Authors: K. Larsen
Written By Fate (20 page)
No matter how hard I try I can’t seem to please everyone.
Does this make sense? I don't want to be mean anymore. I didn't mean to make
anyone upset. I don't want to pretend anymore. I disappoint everyone, try as I
may. No one wants to get hurt. Especially me. Dominic is really being
irritating regarding Sawyer. Of course he is going to come over and help out
and see Allie. We’re still treating her with kid gloves, I know, but that’s our
choice and I wish he’d just get used to it and deal.
Sawyer, bless his heart, has really made an effort to be a
non-asshole to Dom. Dom, however, doesn't seem to care that he’s making an
effort for my sake--okay, well, really for Allie’s sake. I’m completely torn. I
find myself falling in love with Dom more and more as the months go by. He is
everything I’ve ever wanted, if you ignore his cash flow. He is tender and
sweet and thoughtful. He loves Allie and treats me like the person I’ve always
wanted to be but am just too...hard to actually be. I know I’m distrusting and
defensive and rough around the edges. I wasn't always this way though, and he
pulls that old me out of myself more and more. I like it.
I’d meant for Clara to be a fresh start. She would be smart,
fun, and not naive. I’ve somehow let her end up being a lying, bitter bitch.
UGH! Dominic comes home tomorrow morning, Monday, from a week-long trip to
California. Our texts and phone calls have been short and curt due to the fact that
I for once haven't lied to him. Sawyer’s been over a few nights and Dom had a shit-fit
about it each time we spoke. He didn't even bother calling or texting me at all
today and my anxiety is at an all time high over it.
“Will you just calm down,” Sawyer grumbles at me while I
fidget on the couch. “He’s not leaving you.”
“How do you know?” I snap.
“Clara, I hate to admit it, but he’s crazy about you. I
should know...I was too,” he says softly.
“Was?” I find myself asking.
“Don’t,” he snips at me. I blow out a breath and rip my hand
through my hair.
“Sorry. I’m just...a mess,” I blow out.
“Look...
The Transporter
is on. Jason Statham always
distracts you, let’s watch it,” he offers and I burst out laughing. One,
because he’s totally right, I have a huge celebrity crush on Jason and two,
because he waggled his eyebrows at me in the most absurd way.
“All right,” I say and snuggle into the couch, resting my
legs over his lap and pull the blanket off the back of the couch over us.
“WHAT THE HELL!” a deep voice, roars ripping me from sleep
so startlingly that I fall off the couch. Wait...the couch? I look up and scrub
the sleep from my eyes and find Dominic looming in the living room.
“What’s your problem, man?” Sawyer shouts at him.
“My problem?” Dom snorts. “My problem is that you and my
girlfriend were sleeping on the couch together!”
“Dom,” I say softly, “it wasn't like that.”
“FUCK YOU Clara! I’m so sick of your lies. I knew you would
eventually go back to him. You can't seem to help yourself can you?” he sneers.
“Don’t talk to her like that. She didn't do anything wrong!”
Sawyer jumps in to my defense.
“Shut up! Sawyer, you don't have the balls to tell her no.
It’s obvious you want her still.”
I sit on the floor gaping at Dom, unsure why his reaction is
so insane.
“Dom,” I try again.
“Clara, enough. The lies are never ending with you. The
drama is never ending with you. Charlie warned me but I didn’t listen. When I
first met you I knew you were the one. Until I showed up and met him,” he snarls
at Sawyer. “I know better than to be friends with girls with boyfriends. You
play the victim and I'll be the bad guy,” he spits.
“He wasn't my boyfriend and what the hell did Charlie say?!”
I shout angrily.
“That you were a lying, gold-digging whore who strings men
along. Guess what Clara...he was right.” His words cut deep and I actually
wince from the pain of them. Tears start falling down my face. His face is hard
and unforgiving as he stares at me.
“I could’ve sworn I was yours,” I choke out on a sob. “I never
played you, Dom. I didn't and don't care about your money. I ruined an
amazingly good man and relationship for you. I love you!” I cry out. His eyes
soften for a moment. Probably because it’s the first time I’ve said “I love
you,” but it passes quickly. I’m too late and it wasn't the right time to say it.
“Mom?” Allie’s sleepy voice bounces off the walls of the
hallway at the top of the stairs. Sawyer jumps up. “I’ll get her,” he clips as
he moves past me to make sure she doesn't witness the scene playing out.
“You know what Clara...you’re an asshole. I don't know
you...how could I? You don't even know who you are or what you want. I’ve been
patient. I’ve tried to gain your trust and even still you can’t truly be with
me,” he snorts, “or Sawyer for that matter. No one will make you happy. You’re
impossible to please.” He finishes and stalks over to me. It feels like it
happens in slow motion but I’m sure it doesn't. He crouches down to me and rips
the butterfly from my chest. “This, this was something beautiful, something you
are not capable of.” He stands and walks out. Dominic Napoli just told me where
to go, how to get there, and left me. I can’t form words. My heart feels like
it’s shattered into a million tiny pieces. That’s the exact moment that I realize
what I lost because I’ve never had my heart decimated like this before. I’ve
never felt this horrible void in my chest over anyone else, not even Sawyer. I
curl into a tiny little ball on the rug as sobs wrack my body and stare
vacantly under the coffee table. I’m almost positive I will never even get up.
Couldn't Put Humpty Together Again
It’s been four weeks and two days since Dominic walked out
of my house with my heart. Sawyer has been so worried sick over my ability to
function that he’s been sleeping in his old room. It’s easier this way, he can
get Allie up and to school, make sure she’s taken care of at night, and that
she has someone able to be there for her, because I sure as shit can't
I’ve had three clients in the last four weeks. I can’t even
seem to lose myself in my work anymore. Hell, I struggle to actually get out of
bed every day. Thank god for sleeping pills, otherwise I don't think I’d even
be sleeping. I’ve tried writing, e-mailing, texting, and calling Dom to try and
beg his forgiveness but I can’t reach him. There are no responses from him,
ever. I heard Sawyer mumbling to Allie that it was nice of Dom to call her and
check in on her at the shop after school a couple times but that she needed to
understand that he and I weren't going to get back together. He called my baby
but he won't even hear me out. I pretty much go from my bed to the couch and to
bed again, unless it’s Wednesday, when I force myself to the school for chorus
class. I miss him so painfully that I wonder if the feeling will ever
dissipate, even just a little. I’m sitting on the couch, like always, when the
doorbell rings. “I got it,” I shout to Sawyer who’s fixing us lunch in the
kitchen. I get up, looking like crap, and answer the door.
So here’s the thing I didn’t tell anyone. My dad died when I
was young after a prison stint and my mom...well, let’s just say our apartment
had a revolving door of men growing up. I despise her. When I started dating
Daniel she was over the moon--about his money. She constantly begged and
borrowed. I hated her for it. We never really had a good relationship to begin
with but it only got worse with Daniel. When I went to college I’d hoped to
lose her once and for all, but with Daniel somehow came my mother. The first
time Daniel ever hit me, I told her. She told me to she didn’t believe me and
that’s when I stopped talking to her but more importantly when I stopped funneling
his money to her. When I left Daniel, I left her too. She doesn’t know about
Allie and I’ve told everyone who’s inquired for the last nine years that my
parents are dead. Oops. Just another little lie to add into the mix I suppose,
but I really never considered her giving a shit or finding me. Apparently, I
never really considered a lot of things when I ran, because here she is, in all
her white-trash glory, standing next to Daniel who is smugly leering at me.
“What. The. Fuck,” I exhale, gaping in shock.
“That’s no way to greet your mother,” she snorts at me,
unaffected as she looks me over.
“Are you shitting me?!” I crow, throwing my hands up. This
is so surreal. Her perfume wafts through the air and I feel physically ill from
the memories it brings with it.
“Your mom? Clara?” Sawyer says on a breath behind me. I snap
my eyes shut and inhale deeply. Shit.
“Allow me to introduce you. Donna, this is
Jade’s...ahh...what do you call him anyways, Jade? Boy toy? Roommate? Lover?
Tell me if I’m getting close. Oh, and where is Dominic?” Daniel’s voice is
dripping with hate. Sawyer’s breathing is ragged and I don’t dare to turn
around and look at him. I already know he’s seething. I’m shit out of luck
though because Sawyer’s arm darts out past me and slams the door shut in our
guests' faces before spinning me around to face him.
“Where do they end, Clara? How many lies are there? Have I
ever known you?” he spits out. I open my mouth to say something, snap it shut,
and then open it to try again when his hand clamps over my mouth. “Don’t. I
won’t believe whatever it is that’s going to come out of your mouth anyway.” He
drops his hand from my mouth as I gape at him. He starts to brush past me
towards the door but I can’t let him go like this. I want to scream at him that
this is the end of them. There is nothing left to uncover, but I don’t. I’ve
used him and hurt him and lied to him and I can see the hate in his eyes. The
one person who probably knew the real me is walking away.
“You’re the only person who’s ever known me,” I whisper. His
steps falter but he doesn't stop and he doesn't turn around, he just opens the
door, pushes past my mom and Daniel, and leaves. Sawyer just left me. He just
walked out of my life. I can feel it in my bones, there’s no coming back from
this.
“Aren’t you going to invite me in?” my mother’s voice breaks
me out of my thoughts and I swallow the giant lump in my throat.
“No. I’m not. You are not a part of my life,” I tell her and
then direct my gaze to Daniel. “You aren't either. I don’t know why you brought
her here, Daniel, but at this point--I just don’t give a shit. You’re all dead
to me. Get the hell off my porch before I call the police.” I slam the door in
their faces and lock it before sliding down against it to the floor and staring
blankly at the patterns in the hardwood floor. Each scuff, each nic, each
scratch is a memory of my, Sawyer, and Allie’s life together. I feel like I’m
suffocating. There are no more secrets left to bear to anyone and there is no
one left to tell them to. Everyone’s walked out of my life. Looks like me and
Fiona Apple will be having a reunion, again. I tuck my head between my knees
and let myself cry until I have no tears left and my eyes feel raw and
bloodshot.
Allie comes home from her play date at six. For a nine-year-old
she’s pretty damned quick, I’ll give her that. “What’s wrong?” she asks
cautiously.
“Grown-up stuff, babe. Nothing for you to worry about,” I
use the age-old excuse. She rolls her eyes, drops her bag to the floor, and
stares me down.
“Try me.”
“Alliecat, really. It’s got nothing to do with you.”
“Where is Sawyer?” she pushes.
“Gone,” I choke out. Her eyes bug out momentarily at me.
“What did you do?” Her voice is calm but her eyes are
furious and her little fists are balled at her sides.
“I...Allie, someday I’ll explain everything to you, but not
now. Sawyer made a choice because of choices that I’ve made and he...it was too
much for him. He walked out today. He loves you though, you know that.” I can’t
give her anything else. She has no idea about life before her. There’s too much
to explain and she’s not old enough to understand it all.
“I. Hate. You,” she spits. “You destroyed Sawyer for Dominic
and then you let him walk out, too! Who are you?!” she wails at me before
darting to her bedroom and slamming the door behind her.
Who am I? Jade McQueen seems to be creeping back into my
life but Clara Lord is making all sorts of messed up mistakes, too. Clara was
supposed to be better than Jade but now they’re just one in the same, somehow
blurred together. Allie’s words burn me with their truth. Things I’m good at:
sleeping, pushing people away, screwing things up. Apparently, that’s it.
I hate it when I plan a conversation in my head but the
other person doesn't follow the script, so I'm writing you a letter, like the
old biddy that I am. I've decided that life is all about ass. You're either
covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, or trying to
get a piece of it. Unless you're me, then you just are one. I'm trying. I
really am. I'm working on me. Best joke ever: my love life. Reasons to date me:
I laugh at my own jokes so you don't have to...I feel like a tampon: in a good
place at the wrong time. UGH! Why can't I just write one real thing, one real
emotion, to let you know how I miss you, want you, and care about you?
I want you to be a part of me, Dom. I really do. I hope
you can forgive me. I’m working on me. Just me. Figuring out all the things
that I need to know about myself so I can be worthwhile for you. Please wait
for me.
I read and reread the letter a hundred times before sending
it. It’s not much in the way of an honest and open dialogue but I hope to God
he reads it and at least sees I’m trying to change. It’s been four months since
Sawyer has spoken to me. We are strangers to each other now. It’s strange and
uncomfortable but necessary. It’s been five months since Dominic has spoken to
me and I still feel his absence like a knife in the back, just out of reach and
painful. Allie still goes to Sawyer’s on his weekends but she doesn't ever talk
to me about him. It took me making a therapy appointment to get her to talk to
me. We started going together and now that we’ve worked out our issues I’m
going alone.
My counselor asks me things like: What makes you happy? And
for the life of me, the list I’m able to come up with is short and shallow. It
took three months to finally start finding myself. Figuring out what I really
want out of this life and why. How to try to get it and how to just be alone.
That was huge. I realized how much I depended on and used Sawyer without even
meaning to. That session had been so tough. I’d bawled like a little bitch the
entire time wondering when I had turned into such a bitter jerk. Even though I
let him in, I never really let anyone in. I protected myself and Allie. I never
let anyone see in total who I was, who I am. I was so guarded and jaded. We
talked a lot about my childhood...turns out I have some serious repressed anger
and issues surrounding my mom. Then we talked about college, and finally Sawyer
and Dominic. Once we started working through all those problems, one at a time,
the light bulb went off for me. Sawyer and Dominic made sense after dealing
with the things that came prior to them.
Now that things in my brain are falling into place I’m stuck
dealing with the guilt of all my actions over the last decade. Jesus, the
guilt. It’s a slow process but I’m getting there. Allie and I are good. We have
a dinner date once a week now, her choice of restaurants where we just laugh
and have fun and talk. Our evenings and nights are quiet. We always do dinner
together and watch a smidge of TV before she’s off to bed. I’ve become a crazy
reader. I devour almost a book a night now. I enjoy it so much. It’s something
outside of my child and my work that I love doing. I’ve poured myself into the
chorus at school and back into my clients at work. Both things I’m passionate
about and make me smile at the end of the day. I’ve also started running again.
It’s been almost as therapeutic as therapy. I try to get out every morning
after Allie goes to school and before I’m due in to work. One fabulous side
effect is my body looks amazing. I didn’t really have weight to lose but I did
lose some and I’ve toned up everywhere. Amanda and Margaret finally came to see
me. I’ve never asked them down before and they’ve never met Allie. We had the
most amazing and cathartic girls’ weekend ever and now everything’s out in the
open. They help keep me sane and make me laugh most days. And Allie was enamored
with them almost instantly. They are like long lost aunts to her and it was
amazing to see them all interact.
Marg: BITCH!
What?
Marg: Oh good, you know your name!
Hahaha thanks.
Marg: Love ya honey
Ditto bitch
Marg: ;)
Without them, the last five months would have broken me. I’m
sure of it.
Dear Dom,
There have been too many casualties. Everyone's better
off without me these days. I'm doing the best I can to hold on. I miss your
arms. I miss your face. I miss your smell. I miss you. Please know that I’m
changing. I’m alone and will not date any time in the near future, and that
includes Sawyer. We’re over. He won’t even accept a friendship with me. I hope
you’re doing well. I hope you’re smiling. I hope you can forgive me someday. I
really do hate that you hate me. My therapist told me to write down all my
feelings, but I’m crap at that. I fell in love with you, even though I
shouldn't have. I want you to know that. I want you to know that I did love
you. I do love you. I...
Clara
I send a letter to Dominic once a month. I just need him to
know that I think about him. That I want him and that I’m trying to do right by
everyone. I haven't received a single goddamned response to the last five
letters. I’m not going to lie: it hurts. It cuts deep, but I’m not going to
give up. I walk to the end of the driveway, put letter number six in the
mailbox, and raise the red flag. I let out a deep breath and try to calm my
nerves. Every letter I send makes me anxious. I want him to read them, to write
back. Something. Anything. But once the letter is picked up I have no way of
knowing any of that. Maybe he doesn't even get them. Maybe he refuses to read
them and tosses them in the trash. Who knows? The hole where my heart used to
be is still a gaping wound but I’ve gotten better at living with it.
“Mom!”
“Allie!” I shout enthusiastically back at her.
“Carmen’s sick! We don’t have anyone to sing the solo
tonight!” she freaks out on me.
“Allie, you can sing it or what about Nina?” I offer
encouragingly.
“No...Nina doesn’t know that part. I don’t want to do it,” she
says glumly.
“Why not? You have a gorgeous voice!”
“Mooom. I just...”
“Allie. You can do it. Is there anyone else who can replace
Carmen besides you?”
“Not really.”
“All right then. Let’s get you warmed up and practiced
before we head back to the school.”
Allie and I prepare for her solo in MGMT’s “Kids” song and
end up having a really good moment together. I enjoy her so much. I’m thankful
for the one-on-one time that we have so much of now. At six, Allie steps down
from the risers, ready for her part. She kills it and I couldn’t be more proud
of her! We follow with “Paparazzi,” “The Climb,” and “Just Dance.” The parents
go wild with a standing ovation for the talented little rugrats in front of
them. The kids rush me and tackle me in a hug as they knock me down to the
ground. I can’t stop the giggle that bubbles up and out of me. One by one the
kids back off and get back on the risers.
“Hey! You’re done! Go find your parents!” I call above the
cheering. Allie shakes her head at me and smiles. The piano starts playing and
I whip my head around to see who’s playing it.
Dominic Napoli is beaming a wide, warm smile at me as he
plays. The kids start singing “True Colors” and my eyes start watering. I turn
back to the kids as tears drip down my face. They sound amazing and they’re
singing for me. I’m flabbergasted. Did Dom do this? Did he talk to the kids? Is
this song from him to me? Questions swirl around my head as I listen to their
little voices sing so sweetly to me. The last piano note sounds and although
I’m not one to show weakness I drop to my knees. They just can't support me
anymore and I sob. Two strong arms pick me up and set me to my feet.
“It shouldn't bother me, but it does. I shouldn't care about
you, but I do. I should hate you, but I don't. I’m in love with you, Clara,”
his voice rumbles and makes me tremble. Did I just hear him right? I stare up
into his black eyes and blink once. He grins at me. “Yes, you heard,” he answers
as if he can read my thoughts. I leap into his arms, wrapping my legs around
his waist and squeezing him insanely tightly to me. The kids go nuts and soon
the parents join in as well. I peel my face from Dom’s neck and take his cheeks
between my hands as I look him over. His face is warm and soft and I can’t stop
myself from pulling his lips to meet mine. I kiss him, in front of everyone, as
if my life depended on it. As if we were never going to see each other again
and I needed him to know just how much I loved him. He kisses me back just as
passionately before pulling me off him and setting me to my feet. “Clara,” he
says on a breath.
“Yeah?” I answer breathily.
“Will you go out with me?” he keeps a straight face while he
says it but I can’t control the laughter that rips from me.
“What?” he says. “We are in an elementary school.” His deep
laugh rumbles through me. I pull him into a hug, relishing the way his arms
feel wrapped tightly around me. Leaning back, I look up to his handsome face.
“Yes,” I breathe. “Of course I will.”