Wrong (2 page)

Elijah was someone that she knew could only bring trouble to her life and her world. And yet, he also seemed to be the only person who could heal her, soothe her, make it all okay again.

Was such a thing possible? Was she simply going crazy?

Most would say yes, she supposed.

But as she lay in her old bed, curling up with her familiar blankets, looking around at the same furnishings and décor that she’d moved into at the beginning of the school year—she couldn’t help but feel that she wasn’t supposed to be there.

I’m supposed to be with him. That’s my home.

But he didn’t feel the same, which was why he’d kicked her out, refused to explain any of it to her, and decided that their relationship was no longer worth fighting for. How could Elijah be anything safe, how could she have a home with him when he didn’t want to have that with her?

Soon the tears came again, predictable and somehow stale and used up. The tears didn’t last very long. She was spent. She’d already cried so much about Jayson and then her family, and now she was mostly cried out.

Eventually she just lay in bed, staring as if in a catatonic state. The thoughts had mostly ceased. There was just a big black hole and she seemed to be falling into it, falling and falling and there wasn’t much left to think about.

Just falling.

And then she fell asleep. She slept a long time.

When Caelyn woke up, the light had changed in the room. From the angle of the sun outside the window, she thought it must be afternoon, and her glance at the clock showed her that she’d slept for hours.

Caelyn’s bedroom door was open enough to see Alicia sitting on the recliner in the middle of the suite, typing away on her laptop.

Yawning, Caelyn got up out of bed feeling groggy but somewhat refreshed, and her mood wasn’t quite as dark as it had been before her nap. She padded out into the common area of the suite.

Alicia had her earbuds in and was writing a paper or something.

Caelyn tapped her lightly on the shoulder.

Alicia started, pulled one earbud out and glanced up at her. “You scared me.”

“Sorry.”

She shrugged. “Something wrong?”

“I just wanted to say that I should have told you more about what was happening to me. You’re my best friend here and I should’ve trusted you.”

Alicia frowned. “I just don’t understand. Did I ever do something to make you think that I wouldn’t be on your side?”

“No.”

But you have now
, she thought.
You’ve shown your true colors.

Still, Caelyn didn’t want to have any awkwardness with her roommates. If she was moving back to the dorms for good, she needed to get along with Alicia. Even if, in reality, she didn’t trust her quite as much as she once had.

“So why don’t you tell me what happened? I’m still completely lost as to why you left school.”

“I didn’t leave, it turns out,” Caelyn grinned. “I’m still here.”

“You still don’t feel like telling me what happened,” Alicia said, nodding as if it all made sense now.

Before Caelyn could respond to her statement, Alicia spoke again, her expression softening. “You must be hungry. Want to grab a bite at the caf?”

Caelyn took a deep breath. Part of her still felt too raw and fragile to go someplace so public, where she might be forced to interact with other students, maybe even teachers, answer questions about her absence.

But then again, she didn’t want to reject Alicia’s offer of support, so she smiled in return. “Yeah. I’m kind of famished.”

“You look it. Get dressed, run a brush through your hair, and we’ll be off.”

Run a brush through my hair?

Caelyn’s belly tightened but she held onto her smile. Now was not the time to call Alicia on her mean remarks. It was just a minor comment and they were finally starting to be friendly to one another again.

“Sounds good,” Caelyn smiled. “I’ll be ready in a sec.”

She got up and went to the bathroom, applying enough makeup to hopefully hide just how emotionally wrecked she felt. She especially needed to cover up the dark circles and puffiness around her eyes.

But she didn’t run a brush through her hair, even though it might have benefited her to do so.

A few minutes later, they were in the quad and headed to the building across the way. Other students were walking inside, most of them people she didn’t know personally—but a few that she recognized.

Alicia kept up a steady patter of conversation as they walked, most of it petty gossip or silly observations about students and teachers they both knew. It occurred to Caelyn that either Alicia had completely changed into a mean girl in the few days since Caelyn had been gone from school, or Alicia was the same as always and it was really Caelyn who had changed.

They went inside the building and down the stairs to the basement, where the cafeteria was packed full of students.

At first, she felt a strong urge to turn and run out of the place. Maybe if she hadn’t been with Alicia, she would have run. But there was just enough fear of looking foolish in front of her roommate, of not wanting to rock the boat anymore than she already had, so she somehow forced her feet to keep moving.

If only Elijah were here with me
,
I wouldn’t be so scared.

But then an opposing voice spoke up.

You shouldn’t need Elijah to do something as simple as go to the cafeteria.

What’s wrong with you? Maybe the two of you really weren’t good together.

“…grab a salad. Okay?” Alicia said, her eyes narrowing. “Hello, earth to Caelyn. Are you even listening to a word I’m saying?” she asked, snapping her fingers in front of Caelyn’s face.

“Sorry, I was just thinking about how I’m going to need to talk to my teachers.”

“Yeah, of course you are. Do you have any idea how much work you’ve missed?”

Caelyn shrugged. “I have an idea. I missed a big test and I’m late on a paper in my philosophy class. I’m way behind on reading with some other tests coming up soon in my other classes. But I can get back on track.”

“Anyway,” Alicia said, “I’ll meet you after I make my salad. If you see a table, grab it, okay?”

“Okay.” Caelyn felt like she was taking orders from a superior officer or something.

She’d only been back at school for a few hours and she was already sick of it, and sick of Alicia’s attitude. But she smiled and faked enthusiasm, not knowing what else to do.

Caelyn knew she had to make it work here, because she was out of options.

Elijah had kicked her out and she certainly wasn’t going home to her parents’ anytime in the near future.

She went to the pasta station and got herself a plate of rigatoni and red sauce, some Italian bread with a couple of pads of butter, and a sugar free vanilla pudding.

Then she went to the cashier and swiped her card.

She was on a meal plan that her parents had paid for and so didn’t have to pay cash. The money was debited from her account on the card.

Caelyn spotted a small table opening up and grabbed it just as the three people were leaving it.

Her shoulders relaxed a little as she sat with her back to the wall and began eating, watching the other students socialize and laugh and eat, feeling invisible as she observed the simple rituals of college life.

They no longer felt like rituals that applied to her own existence—the girls tossing their hair, giggling, talking and flirting with the boys who postured and joked and tried to impress. All of them looked so young, so naïve to the realities of the world, the harshness of what lay outside the Ivy League halls that they so comfortably inhabited.

“You’re doing it again,” Alicia said, startling Caelyn out of her reverie. Alicia sat down at the table, watching Caelyn warily.

“Doing what?”

“Staring off into space. Are you on drugs?”

Caelyn giggled so hard that she snorted and had to hold a napkin over her mouth and nose momentarily.

“What’s so funny?” Alicia asked.

“Nothing,” Caelyn said.

“Well you obviously found it hysterical.” Alicia speared a leaf of lettuce aggressively, then brought it to her mouth and chewed mechanically.

“It’s just the way you said it.”

“Well are you on drugs or not?”

“No, of course not.”

“Plenty of people do drugs and you’re acting like someone who’s doing them.”

“Well I’m not.”

For the first time, Alicia’s face showed real concern. “But you’d tell me if you were?”

“Yes, I’d tell you. But I’m not. Maybe I should start.”

“Don’t even.” Alicia went back to her salad.

For the next few minutes, things almost felt normal again. Caelyn started eating her pasta, finding herself suddenly hungry. Alicia was talking again, snarking on the other girls at nearby tables, critiquing their hairstyles, their shoes, their outfits. Then she was bemoaning the fact that Ben had been less attentive to her lately, had maybe even blown her off the past weekend.

For the first time, Caelyn felt a pang of real sympathy for her roommate. “It sucks when guys change on a dime.”

Alicia looked slightly alarmed. “Do you really think his feelings have changed?”

“No,” Caelyn said, trying to recover. “I was probably thinking of my own situation.”

“You mean Jayson?”

Just saying his name sent a bolt of terror through Caelyn’s heart.

Caelyn swallowed hard, shaking her head. “Let’s not go there right now.”

“Well, you might have to go there, sweetheart,” Alicia said, “because Jayson just came down the stairs.”

Caelyn froze momentarily. She could actually feel the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end. “Please tell me you’re joking,” she whispered through a choked throat.

“No, I’m serious. Why?” Alicia asked. “Did something happen between you guys? Is that why you left school?”

But now Caelyn had turned and seen him, and he had seen her. Jayson was with a couple of his buddies from the rowing team, but he said something to them, and split off as they continued towards the food stations.

Jayson was heading Caelyn’s way, and she could hardly breathe.

Alicia seemed to notice that Caelyn was freaking out. When Jayson approached, Alicia stood up and squealed happily. “Oh my God, Jayson! What are you doing here?”

Jayson looked surprised. “Just eating. Like everyone else.”

“I haven’t seen you in, like, forever.”

Jayson’s eyes flitted to Caelyn, filling her stomach with dread. But then he looked back at Alicia, who continued babbling. Finally, after she’d chatted at him for a couple of minutes straight, he took the opportunity to turn his attention to Caelyn.

“Howdy,” he said.

“Hey,” she replied, her mouth dry.

“Mind if I pull up a chair?”

Alicia saw Caelyn’s face and shook her head. “Sorry, Jayson. We were actually just about to go. I have to run to meet Ben and Caelyn promised she’d come with me.”

Caelyn took the cue to stand up, her legs like rubber. She smiled artificially as Jayson met her gaze with his cold, dead stare. “That’s a shame,” he said. “I thought maybe I’d get the chance to hang with you guys for a bit. Maybe next time.”

“Oh, definitely,” Alicia said. “Tomorrow.”

“Sure,” Jayson said.

Caelyn grabbed her purse, as Alicia started for the exit.

“Come on, we better hurry,” Alicia called out. “Ben is pissed, I’m already late.”

“You’re not even going to clear your trays?” Jayson said.

“Can’t. Gotta go.” Alicia sped up.

So did Caelyn, but then she felt Jayson hand lock around her wrist in a tight, uncompromising grip. “Wait a second. Wait a second.”

She spun to face him, instinctively trying to pull free from his grip. But he didn’t let go, although his face was relaxed and he appeared to be smiling in a friendly way.

Anyone watching wouldn’t think he was hurting her or anything of the sort.

“Let go of me, Jayson.”

“Just hold on a second, Caelyn.” He stepped closer to her. His eyes were deadly still. Somehow, he still smelled vaguely of pizza, as if all ever did was eat the same old greasy pizza that she’d shared with him the night he raped her.

“I need to go, we’re meeting Ben.”

“Yeah, I know.” He smiled again, but his eyes were getting somehow meaner.

“But the thing is, you promised we were going to talk. You promised we were going to give
this
another try, and then you disappeared and I never heard from you. So what’s the deal? Was that just some line of bullshit to get me to do what you wanted me to do?”

Caelyn licked her lips. “Let. Go.” She gave a hard tug and Jayson let go at the same time.

The force of her own effort propelled her backwards, and she stumbled against a group of guys walking into the cafeteria. They laughed as she apologized for her clumsiness.

Jayson folded his arms, smirking, as Caelyn tried to regain her composure.

“We’re going to talk again, one way or another,” he said. “Because this isn’t over.”

“It is over, Jayson. Leave me alone.”

His grin widened. “Whatever you say, Caelyn.”

“That’s right. Maybe you should try listening for once in your life,” she told him, then turned and headed clumsily up the stairs. The adrenaline was flowing through her veins and she was full of pounding fear and terror and her limbs trembled with it as she found Alicia waiting at the top.

“Are you okay?” Alicia said.

“Yeah, just need some air.”

When they got outside, Alicia didn’t say anything for a while. They walked together for a time, and then finally she turned and looked into Caelyn’s eyes.

“Something bad happened between the two of you,” she said.

Caelyn nodded but didn’t say anything.

“Like, really bad,” Alicia continued.

Caelyn nodded again, her jaw trembling.

“Will you tell me?”

“I can’t. I can’t. Not now. Not here”

“Okay. It’s okay,” Alicia soothed. Her voice was surprisingly compassionate.

She reached out and took Caelyn’s hand in hers. “Come on, let’s go home.”

***

Some hours later, Caelyn was finishing telling Alicia the story that began with Jayson raping her in his apartment and ended with Elijah breaking up with her and sending her away.