Wynn in Doubt (18 page)

He took my hand and led me upstairs to my room. The window wasn’t letting in much moonlight, but I could see his eyes. They were full of love and compassion. I couldn’t stop crying as he made love to me. We held each other for a long time after. This morning I watched him sleep until the sun came up. His beard is scruffy and as black as his hair, but his heart is pure. He’s saved me.

30th August 1929

Today is Elizabeth’s ninth birthday. Michael took me to Lexington last week, and I bought a silver necklace with blue glass in the shape of a teardrop attached to it. He’s promised to try to figure out a way to get it to her.

Since coming out with the truth, I’ve been thinking of ways I might return and bring Elizabeth back with me. I just don’t see how.

Dutch would never let me take her, and no court is likely to let a woman living with a bootlegger have custody of a little girl after she abandoned her, as I did.

Perhaps I’ll write to her. Maybe I can convince her that I’m sorry. I think she’ll like the necklace. It’s the same blue as Michael’s eyes.

12th October 1929

He’s done it. I don’t know how, but he managed to get the necklace and my letter to one of Dutch’s sisters, Kate. And he brought back a letter from her to me. It said:

“Dear Lola, It was such a relief to know you’re alright. Dutch didn’t tell us about your letter until weeks after you disappeared. At first I was worried harm had come to you. Now I hear you’re safe and happy, and I’m grateful. Whatever happened, you became my sister the day you married that poor soul I call brother. Your friend has given me a letter and a necklace for Elizabeth, and I promise you I will get it to her somehow. It’ll require secrecy. Dutch doesn’t speak of you at all anymore. When he lets something slip, it’s vile and unkind. But I promise I will get it to her. She’s turning into a lovely young lady. She has good marks at school and a few new friends since you’ve been gone. She is different, though. I debated whether or not I should say, but she’s become a little cold and formal like my brother. I know it may ache your heart to hear it, and I tell you not to hurt you but to speak honestly about what your absence has caused. Maybe if you were to return, some of that coldness would give way. Please think about it. All my love, Kate.”

My heart did ache reading those words. I don’t want Elizabeth to lose the childish wonder I gave up everything to get back for myself. But I have hope.

29th November 1929

No further word from Kate. Michael was in Chicago two weeks ago and left her, in a post office box he rented for our correspondence, a new letter and a doll that I made. Perhaps she hasn’t had time to pick up the mail. It’s torture to wait.

8th December 1929

Michael brought me a letter this morning. It was from Elizabeth. I recognized her tidy penmanship right away and began crying big, happy tears. She still makes her
r
’s the same way, even though the rest of her letters have become more refined and mature. Her note was written with great care. It broke my heart to read it.

“I don’t wish to hear from you,” it said. “Father says we should think of you as dead, and that’s what I do. Please don’t write to me again.”

There’s a pain in my chest like it’s been torn open. Not even Michael’s sweet, comforting words can help.

14th May 1930

I don’t know why I bother keeping this journal. I can’t bear to read anything I’ve written. It only upsets me. But there are rare days when I need to get everything out and I have no one to burden with my words.

Michael and I just came back from the lawyer’s office. I petitioned Dutch for a divorce over Christmas. He refused. I can’t imagine why. It’s not like I’ll ever go back to him. But he won’t give up his hold on my life.

The lawyer says it’s no use unless he agrees. Michael was upset. He’s said before that he might just drive up there and confront Dutch. But all that would do is land Michael in jail. We need him here.

There was a raid a few weeks ago on the house and farm. The sheriff came out with a Treasury agent to investigate a claim the boys were in the business of moonshining. Of course they didn’t find anything. Michael’s too smart for that. There’s no way they’ll ever find the stills. They’re too well hidden in the woods, and none of the boys would dare speak against him.

Tomorrow he’s promised to take me on a picnic to celebrate our sinful love. I giggled when he called it that. I guess if I can’t be his wife on paper, at least I can be his wife in spirit. I already am, really, but he wants to make it official. I have a feeling that means a lot of kissing under the open sky.

26th June 1930

Cece lost the baby. She was four months along this time. I think maybe Daniell caused the miscarriage, but she won’t say. I see the bruises on her arm, and she flinches whenever he comes home drunk. Michael confronted him about it, and Daniell was so angry. I was worried he might do something violent. He’s left the house for now. I hope for Cece and the girls’ sake he never comes back.

4th July 1930

Michael is taking me to Chicago with him when he and Jimmy head out in the morning. Good old Jimmy. He’s like a true brother to me. We’re staying only two nights. One of the nights, the boys have business with some clubs up there.

I’ve hatched a plan, and I hope Michael won’t say no. I’m going to go see Kate. She sent a letter a few weeks ago and said Dutch would be traveling for business this week and that Elizabeth would be staying at their house.

It’s my first real chance to see my daughter in nearly three years. I made her a dress out of the green-and-yellow-checkered frock I wore to tea at Mrs. White’s house last month. I hope I’ve guessed her size right. I’m so excited and nervous I can’t sit still. I know it’s silly, but I hope if I do see her, she’ll be wearing the necklace I bought. It makes me feel connected to her somehow.

5th July 1930

Michael and Jimmy left twenty minutes ago. They won’t be back until late. The concierge at the front desk was able to come up with some wrapping paper and a red ribbon for my present to Elizabeth. Michael isn’t sure it’s a good idea but says he can never say no to me. Anyway, I’ve made up my mind.

Kate’s house is about forty minutes from the city. Michael’s agreed to take me there at nine tomorrow morning. I’m glad for the solitude tonight. I’m sure I’m no fun to be around. My nerves are completely frazzled. So many questions running through my mind! Will she be there? Will she want to see me? Will Kate let her see me? Will she remember my face?

6th July 1930

Today was the best and worst day of my life. Michael and I arrived at Kate’s house just before ten. I knew immediately Elizabeth was inside. I could hear her voice through the open windows. She always had such a lovely voice.

I was shaking so bad as we walked up the drive, Michael had to put his arm around me to keep me from falling over.

Kate’s youngest, a little boy with red hair and freckles, answered the door. I couldn’t believe it was the same little Tucker I held just hours after he was born. He didn’t remember me, not that I expected him to.

Kate came to the door in the same brown housedress she had on the last time I saw her. She looked stricken at first. She just stared at me from the other side of the dusty screen. Then she cried out and threw the door open and wrapped her arms around me. We both sobbed into each other’s shoulders. I forgot Michael was there until she asked his name.

I think she thought he was very handsome. He is, especially in his new green suit and tan hat. His hair was adorably untidy when he took it off to introduce himself.

She invited us inside, and the first thing I noticed was how quiet everything had gone. No singing, no kids yelling and running around. Kate’s husband, Jonah, was out helping a neighbor, and I’m grateful I didn’t have to see him again. He’s a nice enough man, but looking into the eyes of the people you hurt is draining. I had to save up my strength for Elizabeth.

Michael and I waited in Kate’s little sitting room when she went to get her. Every minute that passed was a torment. I’d almost given up hope she would see me when, suddenly, there she was.

Her blonde hair was plaited down the middle and her white dress was crisp and proper. She’s a lady now. I know Kate must’ve told her who I was, but I still said, “It’s me, your mama.”

She didn’t say a word, but Kate persuaded her to take a seat on the chair opposite mine. I handed her my present, but she wouldn’t take it. Kate accepted it and placed it on the floor. Elizabeth looked at Michael. Her eyes reminded me too much of Dutch’s.

I wanted so badly to wrap her in my arms, but I was worried about expecting too much of her. So we sat and I talked. I asked her questions and after a while she answered. She said she was fine and that she was doing well in school.

I asked if she’d gotten the necklace I sent. She blushed and looked away. Then she said she’d given it to a friend. I admit, it hurt me, but I also know I’ve hurt her greatly and shouldn’t be surprised.

When I introduced Michael, she nodded stiffly at him but wouldn’t say a thing. He told her how much I miss her and how often I speak of her. She looked at me with such pain in her brown eyes. It felt like an arrow to my heart.

I got on my knees and told her how sorry I was and that I loved her. I reached for her hand, and she let me take it for a moment. I felt her soft skin and the pulse in her wrist before she slowly took it from my grasp. To feel her again, to touch and see her with my own eyes, was the greatest joy I’ve ever known, no matter how short a time it was.

I promised to keep writing to her and to visit again. I couldn’t keep from embracing her as we left. I had to feel her one more time and try, somehow, to show her how sorry I am.

She didn’t push me back, and I felt her body relax against me some. It’s the best she could do, and I understand.

We’re at the hotel now and I keep replaying the meeting in mind. I wish I had said so much more. I don’t know when I’ll see her again, but I know I will. My heart feels light and heavy at the same time. I got to hold my baby. It’s enough for now.

Light is touching the sides of the curtains as I sneak back into the hotel room. I lower myself to the bed, careful not to make noise. Oliver’s back is to me, and I’m glad. I’m too tired from the hour and everything I’ve read to talk about any of it right now. My eyes are heavy, but I fight sleep. I keep thinking of Grams’s hands. Of how warm and strong they were. There was so much love in those hands. Yet she was unable to forgive one of the people in this world who is supposed to love you most.

I turn my face into the pillow. I don’t want to dream tonight.

sixteen

“Wynn.”

I turn my face into the pillow, ignoring the voice calling to me.

“Hey.”

A kiss on the side of my head.

“Time to wake up, beautiful.” Oliver’s voice is insistent.

I roll over, taking the covers with me, but he pulls them away.

“Come on, we’ve got to check out in like ten minutes.”

I crack open one eye and follow his movement around the room. He’s dressed and ready to go. I didn’t make it to bed until after four. I turn my head toward the clock on the nightstand. It’s almost ten. “Why’d you let me sleep so late?” I ask, stretching.

He kisses me as I pass him on my way to the bathroom. I’ve never been a big fan of morning kisses, but he doesn’t seem to mind, and I’m not in a position to turn down a kiss from Oliver Reeves.

“I thought you could use it. I knew you were up late.”

The look on his face tells me he knows exactly what I was up to last night—or was it early this morning? I lock myself in the bathroom and stare over the sink at my reflection. My hair is a tangled mass; there are bags beneath each eye and what looks suspiciously like a pimple forming on my chin. We’re going home today. The spell has officially broken.

I brush my hair and teeth quickly and rub some moisturizer on my face. I don’t bother with makeup. He’s seen me naked. I doubt he cares whether or not I apply mascara for the five-hour car ride. When I step back into the room, he’s gone. My suitcase lies open across the mattress. I swap out Oliver’s shirt and boxers for a blue sleeveless blouse and shorts and slide my feet into my Keds, which are on the floor near the small desk.

The door opens, and Oliver reappears with a white paper bag in one hand and a manila envelope in the other.

“What do we have here?” I reach up to distract him with a kiss, pulling the paper bag from his hand.

He points at me. “Devious.”

Two glazed donuts are inside. I remove one and take a large bite. The flaky sugar sends a moan through my full mouth. “So good,” I mumble.

He zips the suitcase closed, sticking the envelope beneath his arm.

Three bites and the donut is gone. I offer him the bag, but he shakes his head.

“I already had some. Those are for you. Because you’re sweet.” He smiles, proud of himself. “See what I did there? With the sweet thing?”

I kiss his lips, unhampered by the grin on mine, and follow him toward the door. I try to swipe the envelope, but he’s too quick.

“Sorry, too slow,” he teases.

“What is it?”

“This”—he holds the envelope over my head while I jump for it—“is a surprise.”

“Ooh. Yeah, we haven’t really covered this yet, but, uh, I’m not a big fan of surprises.”

“Really?” He looks at me skeptically.

“Yeah, you could say I’ve been a victim of some bad surprises in my life.”

“Such as . . .”

We step into the hall and I check my purse to make sure the diary is still safely tucked inside. “Such as finding my sister making out with my boyfriend in a closet during a game of seven minutes in heaven—”

“Tabby?” he asks, pushing the down arrow on the elevator button.

I tilt my head toward him. “You’d think, but no, it was actually Franny.”

“That is surprising.”

We step into the elevator and Oliver presses the button for the lobby. “Oh, that wasn’t the surprising part.”

“No?”

“No. The surprising part was that she married him.”

Oliver laughs loudly in the confined space. It bounces off the walls. “You’re kidding me.”

“Nope.” When we arrive, the lobby is full of guests checking out or enjoying a late breakfast. “So you can see why, when you say surprise, I’m cautious.”

He places my suitcase and his backpack on the ground near his feet and removes the wallet from his back pocket. I begged him to let me pay for at least half the expense on the first night of our trip, but he insisted on covering everything. He told me it was a small price to pay for allowing him to tag along, and besides, he’s got more money than he knows what to do with. My own bank account is abysmally low on funds, so I didn’t argue.

I keep my eye on the envelope as we make our way through the parking lot. “Oliver?”

“Yes?” He pops the trunk and places the bags inside.

“What’s in the envelope?”

He sighs but doesn’t hand it over. I watch him climb into the driver’s seat before I open my door and do the same. He tucks the envelope between the seat and console on his side. “It’s a surprise and not a bad one.”

“At least give me a hint.”

He puts the car in reverse. He’s so good at deflecting me. “It’s some research I ordered from Frankfort.”

It’s on the tip of my tongue to ask who we know from Frankfort when it occurs to me. “The kooky receptionist?”

He nods and turns the car onto the highway that will take us most of the way home. “I called in a supersecret rock star favor.”

I raise my eyebrow at him, interested to hear how much the pretty—though possibly certifiable—receptionist was bought for.

He smiles, and my eyes go straight to the chip in his tooth. “Don’t look at me like that. I just had our agent send her some Lumineers T-shirts.”

“She didn’t want Multitude swag?”

“Oh God. I don’t think there’s anyone left on this planet that would want our crappy band T-shirts. I certainly don’t.”

I stare at the envelope a little more but decide to let it rest, for now. We listen to two of the CDs he made for the trip and enjoy our final hours alone together. As we pass Indianapolis, Oliver asks me to tell him what I uncovered in the diary last night. I tell him everything. How Lola went to live with Michael and his brothers. How she and Cece became close, about Daniell’s jealousy, Michael’s wife and son dying, and finally about Grams. How she’d seen her mother, spoken to her, how Lola even held her.

“Do you think your mom knows about that?” he asks, one hand slung casually over the steering wheel.

“I don’t think so. When I talked to her last week, she seemed pretty confident Lola had never tried to reach Grams after she left.”

“You think it’ll change your mom’s opinion of her grandmother? Knowing she at least tried to make up for her mistakes?”

I watch the buildings grow smaller out the window as the city and suburbs fall behind. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

He’s quiet for a while, then asks if I’ll read the rest of the diary to him.

“Now?”

“You got someplace better to be?” he asks.

He reaches over to run the backs of his fingers against my cheek. He’s so patient with me. So genuine. I didn’t think it was possible to be more infatuated with him than I already was, but I was wrong. Spending this time with Oliver has given me new insight into my feelings pre-Kentucky. I always fancied myself in love with him. But what I felt before is nothing compared to what stirs inside me now. If that was love, this is something considerably stronger. Or maybe I’ve just never been in love before and didn’t realize how powerful it can be. I look at him and a lot of times, it’s like the wind’s been knocked out of me.

I take the diary from my bag and turn to the end. Only a handful of unread pages remain. As excited as I am to find out what happened next, I don’t want the story to be over.

18th August 1930

Michael and I promised ourselves to each other yesterday. We can’t officially marry, since Dutch refuses to agree to a divorce, but we wanted to do something formal to vow our love to one another.

Cece made me a beautiful ivory cotton dress and stood beside me as we pledged our lives to each other under a tall oak tree near the stills. It was just the four of us, Michael and me, Cece and Jimmy. It was enough.

I love this man more than I ever thought possible. He’s saved me, stood by me, helped me when I needed it most. His love has never failed, never faltered. I vowed to never love another, and I know I never will.

24th December 1930

It’s Christmas, and Patrick’s gone and gotten a proper tree for the house. Sophia and little Maybelline helped Cece trim the branches while I baked a pudding for dinner tonight.

It’s been pretty merry around here, even with Daniell back home. I’m excited to give Michael his Christmas gift. It’s a gold ring I bought from the Sears catalog last month. I spent pretty much every dollar I had to get it, but I think he’ll like it. I haven’t taken my own band off of my finger since he placed it there four months ago.

With the winter coming, the boys have been busy building up a supply of apple moonshine to keep us in cash until spring. Moonshine whiskey isn’t meant to be stored, but the apple stuff tastes better the longer you let it sit. They’ve been accepting orders for it for a few months. I’ve been helping with the books a little. Michael says I’m the only one he trusts to keep it straight.

I think he’s starting to warm to the idea of me helping more with the business. He thinks it’s too dangerous, but that’s what I enjoy about it. Every day, my new life feels like an adventure. Some days are hard, but I feel alive and feel like all things are possible. I wouldn’t trade hope for anything in the world now.

11th February 1931

There was a new Prohibition agent sneaking around town last week. Eby said his name’s Murphy and called him something I won’t repeat. Michael says we should go on with business as usual but be more cautious. I guess this Murphy ran down a couple of local boys on their way to Louisville three days ago. Knocked them right off the road in the middle of the night.

Daniell wouldn’t let up about it. He says the agent’s got a car as fast as any of the moonshiners, except us. Elijah is a genius mechanic and he got the old Ford running like a rocket. I don’t think there’s a car anywhere that could outrun it. I hope it stays that way.

For now, Michael’s having the boys take a different route out of the county on every delivery. They’re also leaving at different times of the night to try to keep a step ahead of Agent Murphy and the sheriff’s boys.

I’ve got the books sorted out and am worried about how long we can keep up with the demand without getting caught. With the talk of repeal, we may not have to worry about that much longer.

3rd April 1931

Kate’s written and said Dutch may grant my petition for divorce! He met a woman and wants to marry her. Kate says she’s a widow with two young sons. I replied that she can have him!

I told Michael, and he picked me up and spun me around the kitchen. We were still kissing when Cece came in and caught us ten minutes later. I’m so happy I could burst. I’ll be able to truly marry the man I love and take his name. Can this really be happening?

I’m so scared Dutch will change his mind. I’m tempted to drive up to Chicago and chain the poor woman naked to his bed. I really shouldn’t think those things, knowing Dutch as I do, but I’m just so happy! Mrs. Michael Craig . . .

24th April 1931

Michael came back from the lawyer’s this afternoon with the divorce decree. Dutch won’t allow me to see Elizabeth, but he is finally granting me the divorce.

I know I can win Elizabeth back. I just know it. Michael said Prohibition is going to end soon, so he’s going to use the money we’ve saved and the money he’ll make this year to start a hardware shop in Bardstown. Once he’s established himself as a respectable businessman, we’ll be able to go to court for visitation rights.

I’ve got to go and help Cece with the wash. I think I’ll bring the paperwork for her to read. She’s been very low lately. I think it’ll cheer her up to know Michael and I will be truly married soon. She already feels like my sister. I can’t wait to make it legal.

1st May 1931

Agent Murphy came to the house today with another Treasury agent and Clive Melling from the sheriff’s department. The young Treasury agent didn’t say anything; he just leaned against the car and looked at Murphy in awe.

Daniell didn’t help matters by spitting at the agent’s feet when he stepped onto the porch. Cece and I were watching from the window. When the agent saw me, he smiled and tipped his hat in my direction. Michael saw, and I could tell he was worried. He doesn’t want me involved in any of this business. Soon, though, I’ll be his wife, and it’ll be my right.

Agent Murphy didn’t come inside, but he told Michael he knew they were hiding a still in the woods and that it was only a matter of time before they found it.

Before he left, he asked my name. It sent a chill up my spine. Michael told him it wasn’t any of his concern. The agent smiled and said I was lovely and that Michael was a lucky man. After he left, Michael went up to our room and stayed inside alone until dinner.

We should be happy and celebrating getting married soon. Instead, a gray fog has settled over everything. Uneasiness hangs in the air like the threat of a wolf outside the door.

I can’t stop hearing the agent ask my name. His voice was oily and quiet. It reminded me of a weasel. What makes it worse is Michael. He’s nervous about something, and it’s not like him. Everyone is on edge.

26th June 1931

Kate sent me a letter. She says Dutch told Elizabeth that Michael is a bootlegger. Was I a fool to think she’d never find out? The thought of losing her now, after I’m so close to being able to see her again, twists me up inside.

22nd July 1931

Michael and Daniell came to blows this afternoon. Daniell got drunk and went to the stills in the middle of the day. Not entering the woods during the day is the one rule Michael has insisted never be broken, especially now that we’re being watched so carefully.

Anyone could have followed Daniell, and we all would’ve been carted off to God knows where. Daniell rushed Michael, and they fell in a heap on the floor. Michael’s nose was bleeding terribly, and Daniell got a cut over his right eye.