You (61 page)

“Shit, go away.”

He didn’t really resist, his hands found your hips, but he was weak, he was stoned and exhausted and couldn’t get you off him.

“Taja, what the hell’s going on? Piss off!”

You took one of the cushions and pressed it down on his face. You wanted to scare him, you wanted him to be really terrified and understand how bad it all was for you. He immediately lost it and started flailing his arms at you. It was ridiculous. You’d fought stronger girls. He tried to press his hands against your belly, he tried to push you away. Then you got really furious. What was he doing? You were just trying to scare him, why was he freaking out? His right fist struck your face, the remote control scratched your forehead open. It hurt, blood flowed into your eye, it hurt like hell. You yelled at him to calm down.

“CALM DOWN, DAMN IT!”

Not a chance, he was pure panic, rearing up against you. So you lay down on the cushion with all your weight. You knew you didn’t deserve this, not the panic, not the blows, not all this damned unfairness. You’d done so much for him, you’d even had your hair cut, and you were always there for him, you gave him your love and he dumped you, just like one of his many women.

And he wanted to go to fucking France.

Without you.

In the end his leg twitched once more, then he sat still, head thrown back, no panic now, just calm. But you couldn’t ease the pressure, the switch had broken, you couldn’t just let go, and you kept the cushion pressed on his face, minute after minute. Eventually your body gave up and you collapsed exhausted over your father, and leaned your forehead against his. There was only the cushion between you.

For a whole day. For a whole day you didn’t take the cushion away. You looked at your father, you stalked through the house like a cat and took the batteries out of his phones. Silence was important. You drank everything you could find in the bar, and looked at him sitting there with the cushion on his face.

On the second day you took the cushion away. He was so peaceful. You sat your father up, his eyes were open, you didn’t want him to stare at the ceiling. You looked into his eyes and it felt as if he could see you, as if he could understand you. You didn’t want to close his eyes. It meant bringing it all to an end, really parting. You didn’t want it to come to an end. Your father sat on the sofa as he always did, with the remote in his hand. Only his eyes stared absently past you.

On the third day you took the drugs from the metal case. They made the situation bearable, but soon they led to the fact that you couldn’t bear the sight of your father any longer.

After you’d dragged him to the cellar, a century went by in slow motion. You lived on sleep and heroin, the sofa was your ship, the days’ light playing on the walls. And that was how your girls found you.

They were shocked and sympathetic, and even though you’d sworn to tell them everything, in the end you just couldn’t. They would have hated you, they would never have been the way they’d always been with you. No admiration, no love, nothing.

They’d have called you
fatherfucker
, and you couldn’t risk that.

The lies spilled from your lips like new truths. And so you won your girls over. You were the victim, they wanted to save you, you allowed yourself to be saved and made a new reality for yourself.

Stink went along perfectly. You knew the buttons you had to press, you predicted her reactions. That was why you showed her the drugs in your father’s hiding place. You wanted to disappear with your girls, but on no account could it look like your plan. It would have been too striking, it would have been wrong. You goal was your dream, your goal was Ulvtannen. You were sure that if you could start all over again far, far away from Berlin, everyone would forget you, and then your soul would have a chance of a new beginning
and everything would be forgiven. You wouldn’t lose each other after school, and you’d be able to stay together. Every cloud has a silver lining. You and your girls. There wasn’t really anything to keep you in Berlin. Somewhere in Oslo or Bergen you’d be bound to find a dealer who would pay good money for your uncle’s drugs. If Darian could do it as a matter of course in the clubs, you were bound to pick it up without much trouble. And then there was the beach hotel that you could live in. It belonged to the family, and you were family. You firmly believed that Norway would welcome you with open arms. And if the money ran out, you’d get a job at the power station. Like your father, like your mother. You wanted to grow vegetables and become a real Norwegian. And you were sure your girls would love it. You’d always have a full house, you’d be inseparable and that would be your new life.

You wanted so much.

Your first mistake was not telling your girls who the drugs belonged to. Your second mistake was that you thought you knew what made Stink tick. How could you have been so stupid? Stink is unpredictable. She took the drugs and offered them to your cousin. You’d never have seen that one coming. Never. The worse the situation got, the tighter you clung to your lie. And you lost Ruth.

It really isn’t a heroic moment for you. You lied to us. To protect your own dark soul, you sullied our souls. And we believed you, naïve as we are—we fell for the lie about the phone call from Norway, we swallowed the argument with your father, the idea that your grandmother had died and left the hotel to you, and also that your father was a vile liar who hid your mother from you fourteen years before—we swallowed all that, because you’re sixteen and sweet and you were in need of help, who wouldn’t have fallen for that? You could have done that to us, we are standing here on the sidelines, it would have been okay, but lying to your girls, making them believe that your mother was still alive, who knows if they’ll ever forgive you that.

But you did give us one truth. It really was your sense of guilt that drove you to drugs. You couldn’t sleep, you were eaten away inside by guilt and looked for an emergency exit. Your guilt was and is genuine. Your father was never supposed to die. You’re sorry. You know you can’t take it back. It’s the only truth you gave us.

You tell your girls every single detail because you hope they’ll understand. During those minutes your uncle stops existing. There’s just you and your girls. After the last sentence silence falls, a genuine silence. Your uncle lowers the gun and lets you go. Then Stink steps forward. Of course it would have to be Stink. The warrior is there. You fear her judgment most of all. Her judgment. Her fury. She steps forward and hits you. With the flat of her hand, right across the face. Once. Then once again. And you don’t turn your face away. Your sweet Stink, with tears in her eyes, your beloved Stink, whom you have betrayed. When she raises her hand for the third time, your girls hold her back. Stink scolds and curses.

“And what about Ruth, you piece of shit? Just because you couldn’t keep your panties on, Ruth had to die!”

She struggles to break free.

“Damn it, let go of me, she lied to us, I’m going to kill the bitch, let go of me, damn it.”

“Let her go,” says your uncle and puts his gun away. “She has a right to be furious.”

Schnappi and Nessi reluctantly let go of Stink. Your eyes meet. You’re not going to defend yourself, whatever happens, Stink can do what she wants with you. For Ruth, for all the shit you’ve come out with.

Stink walks past you to the rubbish heap and picks up a pipe the length of her arm. She holds it like a sword, utters a growl, and runs toward you. You weren’t expecting this. You have no time to react. You stand there helplessly and keep your eyes shut tight.

That’s it
.

Your arms are heavy, your muscles dead, your blood boils and your eyes hurt as your brain tries to understand what’s going on here.

Taja did what?

You try to understand it, but there’s nothing to understand, however you twist and turn it. And then Stink starts laying into Taja, one slap, then another, and the other girls intervene and hold Stink back and your father says, “Let her go. She has a right to be furious.”

Your father’s wrong. It’s
your
job to be furious. Yours alone.
How could she do it?
You want to step in, you want to say you’re the one who should be beating your psychopathic cousin. Without her you wouldn’t be here. She’s destroyed everything, she’s destroyed the fairy tale of Ulvtannen. Before you can say a word, Stink grabs a pipe and runs at Taja.

That’s it
, you think.

You can see your father’s pleased, he doesn’t have to get his hands dirty, Stink’s doing it for him. He looks at you, standing there helplessly with the gun in your hand, unable to make sense of the world. Your father did his homework, he knew all along and he didn’t warn you. That’s why you never got to see the camera recordings. He didn’t want to give it away. Not even to Tanner. And now he’s smiling at you contentedly.
That’s how you do it, son
, his face says to you.

You miserable fucker
, you think as Stink runs past Taja and brings the pipe crashing down against your father’s temple. He crashes to
the ground, and you stand there and simply can’t process any of this anymore.

What …

Your arms sink down, a dull groan leaves your mouth. The girls look at you in horror, as if they don’t know what’s just happened here either. Stink stands beside your father, there’s blood on the end of the pipe, she too looks at you and looks at you, then she drops the pipe, turns around, and yells to her girls, “RUN!”

They run to the hotel. You have their backs right in front of you, you have the gun in your hand and you raise your arms, you support the gun and hold it still. Nessi brings up the rear, pushing Schnappi in front of her. Taja’s right behind Stink. Red and black and blond hair. Your finger is on the trigger, their footsteps are barely audible on the ground, it’s only when they reach the paved area in front of the hotel entrance that a hectic rhythm rings out from under their feet and this noise releases you from your frozen posture. You breathe in and hold the air in your lungs. There’s ice under your feet again, and the sky is over your head and you know,
If I hesitate now it’s over
. That’s what the rules are, so don’t think, don’t even think about hesitating.