You Only Love Twice (9 page)

She’d lost her memory. That’s not how it had seemed to him three days ago when he’d practically taken her on her kitchen table. And for three days, he’d stewed about things. When she’d gone missing all those years ago, he’d combed the county for her, he’d combed London, but he’d
never thought to look for her in a convent. And all this time, he’d lived in dread that the constable or one of his friends would knock on his door and tell him that her body or her bones had been found. That’s why he’d been enraged when she’d turned up three years later, safe and sound, with nary a word to him in all that time.

But if she’d lost her memory, that would explain everything.

He had to accept it. For one thing, nuns didn’t tell lies. And for another, Jess was different. In fact, he hardly recognized the Jess he knew in this Tartar of a woman. The Jess he knew had hero-worshiped him. She’d looked up to him from that day, on the church steps, when some upstart girls had taunted her with not knowing how to read and he had sent them scurrying to the sides of their mamas with a look.

He’d never really paid much attention to Jessica until then. She was simply a neighbor’s child who was allowed to wander the countryside at will. While other girls of twelve were learning their alphabets, sewing their samplers and generally learning how to conduct themselves as young ladies, Jess was left to her own devices. William Hayward was notorious throughout the neighborhood even then. He was an inveterate gambler, and an irascible, unpleasant sort of man who had managed to alienate all his neighbors. As a father, he was worse than useless, but no one could ever tell Jess that. For some reason that he could never fathom, Jess had idolized her father.

Something else he could never fathom—why he had decided to take a hand in things. He was a young man of twenty. He had other fish to fry. But there was something about the misty-eyed waif even then that had aroused his protective instincts. Or it might have been the result of his upbringing. Though there was never any money to spare, his father could always be counted on to give a helping hand to anyone in trouble.

For whatever reason, he’d jumped in with both feet.
First, he’d had a word with his mother, and when his mother could not persuade Hayward to take Jessica in hand, he’d enlisted the constable’s aid. And the constable had made life so difficult for Hayward that he’d been glad to send Jess to the Dame’s school in town.

It was only natural that after that he would take an interest in her progress, only natural that she would be flattered and look up to him as her champion. By and large, he’d regarded her devotion with a kind of amused tolerance, even when it sometimes proved annoying. But all that changed not long before he went off to war, when Jess cornered him in his stables.

And he was never to regard Jessica Hayward with amused tolerance again.

He’d tried to let her down gently—hadn’t he always?—but Jess being Jess, naturally she’d taken advantage. He remembered he was telling her that one day she would fall in love with someone who was right for her, someone nearer her own age, when she’d thrown her arms around his neck and kissed him.

He was smiling when her lips touched his. This was Jess’s first kiss, he remembered thinking, and he didn’t want to spoil it for her. And it seemed right, somehow, that he should be the man to give it to her. His next thought had shocked him. What he really wanted was to be her first lover.

He was so stunned by this appalling revelation that it had taken him a moment or two before he could think clearly. Then he grasped her shoulders to push her away, but it was too late. He didn’t know how she managed it, but she toppled him on the hay and rolled with him. He would have laughed had he not heard Adrian and Bella calling him by name. To say that he was guilt stricken didn’t do justice to how he’d felt.

He and Jess were in his stable, in broad daylight, on the floor of an empty stall. She was on her back with her skirts hiked to her thighs, and he was planted solidly
between them. It was a miracle that the closure on his trousers was still buttoned.

When the stable door creaked open, Jess opened her mouth, and he knew exactly what was going through her mind. The little vixen had set a trap for him. She was going to call out so that Bella would find them
in flagrante delicto
, more or less. And that would have put paid to his chances with Bella.

He’d had the presence of mind to cup her mouth with his hand to silence her. And moments later, when he heard Bella and Adrian walking toward the house, he’d given Jess a shaking she would not soon forget. Then, he’d sanctimoniously lectured her on the perils of arousing a man’s passions. And when she’d still protested that Bella didn’t really love him, that she was all wrong for him, that she could never make him happy, he’d deliberately and cruelly told Jess that it was too late. He was deep in love with Bella and always would be.

He’d thought he was speaking the truth, but in hindsight, he could acknowledge that Jess had been far wiser than he. A good part of Bella’s attraction was that she’d been the most sought-after girl in the county, and for some inexplicable reason she’d favored him over her other suitors. Such was the vanity of youth. If her father had been as easily won over, he and Bella would have been married at once. But Sir Henry had put his foot down. He’d wanted something better for his darling daughter than an adventurer who lived from hand to mouth. So he, Lucas, had gone off to war to make his fortune; Bella had vowed to remain constant, and there was no turning back.

But it hadn’t been Bella’s image that had haunted him as he’d chased the French out of Spain. It was the image of the misty-eyed waif who’d sworn her undying love for him. He became obsessed with her, but it wasn’t an obsession he was willing to tolerate. This was Jessica Hayward! She was little more than a child! He should be shot for having these carnal thoughts! Then there was Bella. He’d
asked her to marry him. They weren’t formally betrothed, but they had an understanding. A man of honor did not go back on his word. Though he might live to regret it to his dying day, he had to marry Bella.

When he came home in the summer of ’15, after Waterloo, he was firmly resolved to do the right thing. By this time, Bella’s father had softened, and he was ready to give his blessing to their marriage.

Fate, however, had other plans. Adrian and Rupert had arrived home weeks before he did, and what they told him made him furious. Jess was practically a recluse. She had no friends. He went to Hawkshill looking for William Hayward, but it was Jess he found. And later, that same night, Jess told her father a pack of lies, and Hayward cornered him in the Black Swan.

He’d been so angry he’d wanted to throttle Jess. But that was before he knew that her father had been murdered and that she had disappeared. And for three years, he’d gone through hell, wondering what had become of her.

Now he knew, but he didn’t know what he was going to do about her. It was still there, this strange magnetism that had always drawn them together. And Jess was no longer a child. And Bella was no longer between them. Jess might not know it, but they were standing on the edge of a precipice. The thought made him grin.

He was still thinking about Jessica when he arrived home. Perry was waiting for him in the stable yard.

“You’ve got company,” said Perry, nodding to the vehicle and its team of horses that sheltered under a stand of oaks. “Bella and Rupert,” he added gratuitously, as though Lucas would not recognize the distinctive blue and gray livery of Rupert’s coachmen. “They arrived in Chalford this morning, heard the news about Jess and dropped everything to rush over here to … now what was it Bella said?… oh yes, to lend their support.” He
grinned. “What humbug! She’s foaming at the mouth. Just thought I’d warn you.”

When Lucas alighted from the curricle, Perry jumped into it and took up the reins. Lucas said, “You’re not coming in with me?”

“Hell, no! That is, thank you, no. I’ve already made my apologies. Anyway, Adrian’s there to play host until you show up.” And with one of his insufferably cheery grins, Perry cracked the whip and the curricle took off in a cloud of dust.

Lucas wasn’t surprised. Perry was always complaining that he, Adrian and Rupert were a bunch of old fogies. When they got together, all they ever talked about was the war or the good old days.

Old fogies
, Lucas thought with a chuckle. Perry had never seen them in battle, when they’d been fearless warriors. But now look at them. Adrian was a pleasure seeker; Rupert was a country gentleman devoted to growing his prize roses; and he … he supposed he was drifting.

When he entered the drawing room, he paused just inside the door, undetected, listening to the conversation. The subject was Jessica, and Bella was doing most of the talking.

A truly beautiful woman, thought Lucas. Her brilliant blue eyes were enhanced by the blue of her gown; dark ringlets framed a flawless face. But her beauty no longer affected him. He had learned over time that behind that lovely façade was a vain, small-minded woman, but since she was Rupert’s wife he put up with her.

Adrian caught sight of him first. “I was just telling Rupert and Bella,” he said, “that you’d gone down to Hawkshill to give the nuns notice to quit. What kept you?” He looked more closely at Lucas’s face then sighed. “So you didn’t give the nuns notice to quit. Now why am I not surprised?”

Lucas sliced his cousin a silencing look and ignored the taunt.

“Lucas!” exclaimed Bella. She had risen from her chair and was holding out her hand. “We just heard the news and came right over. Adrian says it’s true, that Jessica Hayward really is a nun.”

He dutifully took her hand and pressed a kiss to it. Though she looked serene, he could feel the tension in her rigid fingers. “Bella,” he said, “as lovely as ever, I see. And no, Jess isn’t a nun.” He repeated what the sisters had told him. “She never took her vows. She’s good with children and is helping the sisters until the orphanage is established.”

He turned to greet Rupert, and this time there was genuine warmth in his smile. Rupert was as fair as his wife was dark. He was tall and slender with a slight stoop to his shoulders. In dress regimentals, there was no finer-looking soldier. Dressed as he was now in the casual clothes of a country gentleman, he looked like a prosperous farmer. The look was deceiving. Rupert had been born to wealth and privilege.

Rupert said, “All is well with you, I trust?”

“Why shouldn’t it be?”

Rupert searched Lucas’s face. “You left town so suddenly, without a word to anyone.”

“Some unexpected business came up,” replied Lucas curtly. When Rupert’s brows rose, he said in a humorous tone, “Ask me that question when there are no ladies present and I’ll give you a different answer.”

“Ah,” said Rupert and a knowing glint lit up his eyes. “It’s time you settled down with one woman, Lucas!”

Adrian cut in rudely. “I’ll thank you, Rupert, not to meddle. Don’t put ideas in his head.”

“You don’t want him to marry?”

“As his friend, yes. But as his heir, no.”

As soon as the laughter died away and Lucas sat down, Bella said impatiently: “We were all shocked to hear that
Jessica Hayward had come back. What’s her game, Lucas? What is she up to?”

Rupert said, “Give the man time to catch his breath, Bella.” He smiled into her eyes. “We’re all anxious to hear about Jessica. Now sit down and let Lucas gather his thoughts.”

After a few sips of brandy, Lucas told his friends as much as he knew about Jessica’s time with the nuns, ending with what he’d learned that morning about the carriage accident and her subsequent loss of memory.

When he finished speaking, Bella demanded incredulously, “And you believe her?”

Lucas didn’t know why the question irritated him since he’d initially had his doubts as well. He said carefully, “The nuns confirm Jess’s story. And it makes sense. Why else would she stay away for three years?”

“Why?” Bella’s laugh was brittle. “Because of the lies she told. Because she was afraid to face the consequences of those lies. Because she knows if she shows her face here, she’ll be shunned.” Bella breathed deeply. “I could go on and on.”

“Then why has she come back now?”

Her voice rose a notch, as did her volume. “Jessica Hayward always had plenty of nerve. She’s setting her cap for you, Lucas, now that she knows you have come into a title and a fortune. She’s a devious little witch, and if you don’t watch your step, she may succeed this time where she failed before.”

Adrian chuckled and Bella rounded on him. “What?” she demanded.

“Jessica Hayward,” he said, “is not the girl we all knew. She is no longer infatuated with Sir Galahad here.” He jerked his head to indicate Lucas. “In point of fact, she took an instant dislike to him, so much so that on their first encounter at Hawkshill, she pointed a loaded gun at him and pulled the trigger. Luckily, the gun did not go off.”

Bella gasped. Rupert chuckled.

“It’s worse than that,” said Lucas gloomily. “Not half an hour ago, she practically accused me of murdering her father.”

There was a long silence, then Rupert began to laugh. He stopped when he caught Lucas’s eye. “Sorry, my friend,” he said. There wasn’t a shade of apology in his voice. “But isn’t this what you always wanted, to cure her of her infatuation? It seems you’ve succeeded. I don’t know why you’re looking so glum. No one would ever suspect you of murder, whatever the girl says.”

Lucas looked first at Adrian, then at Rupert. “If I had shot William Hayward, it would not have been in the back. That was a cowardly act.”

There was another long silence, then Rupert said in his easy way, “Yes, I’ve thought about that. Whoever murdered William Hayward in that reprehensible way is scum, and deserves nothing but our contempt.”

Bella said impatiently, “Whoever murdered William Hayward did the world a good turn, and you’re all hypocrites if you say otherwise.” Having disposed of William Hayward’s murder in these few terse words, she returned to the topic on her mind. “So, Jessica Hayward is staying at Hawkshill? Is that what it comes down to, Lucas?”