You or Someone Like You

Author's Note

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Source Notes

Acknowledgments

About the Author

Other Books by Chandler Burr

Copyright

About the Publisher

This is a work of fiction. But my fictional characters live in two worlds—the movie industry of Los Angeles and the media world of New York—and because of the nature of the novel, I have used real people from both these worlds in a fictional context as characters in this book. In the case of figures in the movie industry, the motivation is simply authenticity. Their actions and the words I've put in their mouths, with one notable exception (which I've been granted permission to reprint verbatim), are entirely fictional and of my creation. With those from New York, the reason is more complex; the people who appear as characters here have written extensively about ideas that bear directly on the issues the novel raises. I have added some minor fictionalized dialogue, but the ideas and opinions ascribed to them they themselves have written or said. In the notes, I have identified the sources of, and credited, all such original material.

Regarding excerpts of Pound, Keats, Shakespeare, Yeats, et alia, my source is in almost all cases my very battered volumes one and two of
The Norton Anthology of English Literature
(4th edition). I have changed or abridged certain words in certain quotations to make the quotations clearer in this context. This novel is not a literary refer
ence guide. That said, I have sought to present these quotations with as much fidelity as possible.

One important point. The scene in this novel involving the fictional Samuel Rosenbaum's two weeks in Israel and what happens to him there happened to me, in real life, more or less exactly as described. There are a few minor differences—Sam arrives in Israel on a flight from New York whereas I entered from the Sinai with a backpack; Sam is seventeen, I was twenty-three—but otherwise every detail is identical. Over the years I've come to an understanding of this incident—my interpretation of it, its implications—via friends and strangers with whom I've discussed it and the writing of those presented as characters here who have addressed the central problem substantively and intelligently, sometimes directly, sometimes indirectly, even unintentionally. For example, there is the question posed by Nancy Franklin. What is our capacity to step back and see ourselves as we actually are?

IT IS 4:18 A.M. WHEN I
realize Howard has come home.

I watch his outline in the still, dark bedroom stripping off the trousers of his navy suit, stained with sand and Pacific salt water. After a moment, I ask, Who has the life he wants?

He says nothing, standing in the shadows. I say, Wystan Auden did, one could argue.

Howard cuts in, “We're not fucking talking about Auden, Anne.”

I am, I say with a calm I do not at all feel, talking about Auden.

We wait in the dark, in the silence, and I realize Howard is crying, his shoulders shaking beneath his stained, unbuttoned dress shirt, the tie gone, his chin down almost to his hairy chest, bobbing up and down with every sob, his eyes closed, his fists clenched. I am so stunned I cannot move for a moment, this big man in his underwear, crying, but then I jump out of the bed. I take him in my arms. He is large enough that his jerky, rough sobs push me back and forth, as if I was grasping an oak in a storm.

Howard, I say. Howard.

He is wiping his nose on his sleeve. He turns away from me.

“It's bad,” he finally says, his back to me.

I retreat the tiniest bit. What do you mean, bad?

“No,” he says. “I mean it's really bad. I've thought a lot about it.”

He fills his lungs, and he looks out and down over Los Angeles. The fury in his head and the pain that almost cripples him baffle me. He frowns, turns his eyes from L.A., and I watch him riding it out as they wash through him. They push him, shipwrecked, onto some distant mental shore. After a moment he manages to say, “I can't help feeling like I did something wrong.”

I say after the briefest moment, You mean we.

He doesn't reply. Then he says, “No, actually I mean I.”

Too small for a commercial flight, out the large dark windows the taillights of a tiny plane draw a dashed line across the sky.

I hear the “I.” I feel something very cold start to climb.

The suddenly strange man who is my husband says, “There was something wrong before, and now I see it.” He raises a hand like Caesar and adds in a loud voice, “Don't argue with me, Anne.”

His anger is gasoline vapor filling the room.

I already know, of course, what the anger is: I am now, for him, a different kind of person. Howard discovered this only recently, when he picked Sam up at LAX after our son's flight home from Israel. Simply by telling him what had happened in Jerusalem, the boy made Howard realize that Sam, too, is a different kind. It was inadvertent—Sam, who is asleep down the hall, never intended to lead Howard to the conclusions that have brought him to standing here in the dark, covered in sand and half-naked and sobbing—but inadvertent hardly matters now.

I watch Howard get the suitcase down from the walk-in closet, go to the dresser, and start taking out the soft white T-shirts Consuela folded yesterday. On my bedside table I look at my Modern Library
W. H. Auden: The Collected Poems.
I was reading it last night as the hours ticked by and Howard didn't come home. I have selected it for my next book club—the studio executives—for one very specific reason: Unlike Howard, Auden, the adamant universalist, saw all
people as the same kind. He called the human species “New Yorkers,” and to him they were, otherwise, nameless.

I hear Howard murmur. I have to focus on it to clarify the words. “There's something missing, Anne.”

I cast about for the thing to say. I say, as quietly as if I'm afraid of shattering something, There was never anything missing before.

He merely breathes for a moment, wincing. Then, “There is now.”

He is walking to and from the suitcase in the shadows. The sun will be up in about fifty minutes. I hear his feet.

Howard, I say.

(I can't bear the silence.)

Oh, Howard! I implore him, please talk to me.

“It's not necessarily rational,” he says, his eyes on the things in his hands, and adds, his jaw tense, “To you that means it's suspect. I used to feel that way. Now I don't.”

As he packs, he begins to speak about having left an island long ago and wandering in the wilderness but the little island never forgot him, about a home that he betrayed, about a man in exile (in exile? I ask; in exile from what, Howard? but he doesn't stop), and about longing without realizing he was longing—and my saying, How can you long without realizing it? and his digging in his heels at this, putting his head down, his voice rising by several decibels as if sheer willpower could win the argument.

He wraps some black shoes in felt. There is a suit bag. He is leaving our home.

Who will you be staying with? I ask.

He is struggling with the suitcase. “I'll be in touch,” he says through gritted teeth, working on the lock. He snaps shut the case, hefts the suit bag. Glances heavily at the dresser to check that he hasn't forgotten anything.

Who will you be staying with?

It takes an instant for his feet to begin to move.

I hear his footsteps going down the hall. The kitchen door opening, a moment of auditory void, then the sound of it closing. An eternal period, and the car's powerful German engine wakes again, calm mechanical equanimity. I listen to the recessional down our driveway. The faint sound of gravel crunching under tire comes through the open window, then the engine, the car leaps forward, and Howard vanishes into what is left of the night.

 

The movie cliché is the woman reaching out her hand, touching his pillow, and only then remembering. But I, when I wake again, find by contrast that my brief sleep has been entirely drenched in a blue distillate of his departure, such that even awake I confuse waking with sleeping and believe dreams to have become merely mundane. Unlike in the movies, there is never a single instant I don't know that he's gone.

 

IN THE SILENT LIVING ROOM
(the sky is pale white-blue now) I search the vast, clean, neat shelves for a large dark-blue children's book. The search is merely movement, an attempt to rein in the vibration of my emotional state. I am a very rational person, even though I am at the moment, not altogether rationally, searching up and down for this children's book that is at the moment incidental.

I have a thought in my mind like my pulse, not under my control, and though I am shattered, the thought is crystalline, coherent: Everything that I have done has been connected. All these pieces of literature, the poetry, the novels, all of it. The lines that I spoke to express what I felt instead of using my own words because, to me, the authors were just better. And that connection, that thread, was, in every case, Howard. Now that Howard is gone I realize with a terrible clarity that the quotations were really always and only my way of talking to my husband. Throughout the book club I was speaking to them, yes, of course, and everything I said was meant for them,
but it was also meant for Howard. This narrative, this conversation I have had with Howard from the very start, if it was imperfect and at times obtuse and, most recently, interrupted, it was entirely our own. And those authors' words: When I used them, Howard always interpreted them the way I did. Or I thought he did.

When Sam was a very small boy, I would open the tall French doors of our house up in the hills from which we looked down over Los Angeles and sit him next to me and read to him from a big dark-blue children's book of Bible stories, one my mother had found at Camden Market when I was a girl in London, called
The Lord Is My Shepherd
. I read all the stories to him, as my mother had to me, but
his
story, and Sam made clear the possessive, was Samuel's.

“‘Hannah was barren,'” the story began.

(It means she couldn't have children, Sam. She wanted to, so very, very much; she wanted a little boy, like you. But she couldn't.)

“‘And she vowed a vow, and said, O Lord of hosts, if thou wilt give unto thine handmaid a man child, I will give him unto the Lord all the days of his life.'”

The Lord answered Hannah's prayers. “‘And she called the boy Samuel, saying, Because I have asked him of the Lord. And Hannah took him to the temple in Shiloh and gave the child to Eli, the priest. And the child Samuel grew on.'”

“The sleep part!” Sam ordered, four years old, looking at the book. (I heard a laugh and looked up. Howard was leaning against the doorway, amused. He uncrossed his arms briefly to make a saluting gesture, “Yes, sir!”)

“‘And it came to pass,'” I read, “‘ere the lamp of God went out and Samuel was laid to sleep, that the Lord called Samuel, Samuel. And he ran unto Eli, and said, Here am I; for thou calledst me. And Eli said, I called not; lie down again. And he went and lay down.

“‘And the Lord called yet again, Samuel. And Samuel went to Eli, and said, Here am I. And he answered, I called not, my son.'”

It was years before I explained to my son my reason for reading
him this story. It would have been impossible to explain infertility to a child, and undesirable. The trying and the disappointments—we were still young, and then not so young—our growing fears, our visits to the doctor and sitting in that office with the large gray clock as they gave us the diagnosis. “Never,” they said. I felt Howard's body stiffen at the word. Then the banally horrible fertility treatments, the injections, the needles, the plastic tubes, and all those decisions in those sterile white clinics. The drugs. And then, miraculously, there was Sam.

I used the story's words to say this for me.

“And the Lord called Samuel the third time.” (Sam liked the third time.) “And Eli said unto Samuel, Go, lie down; and if he call thee, that thou shalt say, Speak, Lord; for thy servant heareth.

“And the Lord came again, and stood, and called, Samuel, Samuel.”

Now, I always found this odd. The Lord came and
stood
, it says. When Sam was fourteen, a high school freshman, this came up at the dinner table, and I said intently, Right, I always meant to ask you: The Lord came and stood. How did you understand that? Elbows off, please.

Sam thought about it and shrugged and said, “I always pictured Dad. Standing at the top of the stairs.” And then he laughed, his fork in his right hand.

I looked at Howard, and Howard wore the most indescribable expression on his face.

I have to assume Howard never fully recovered from this comment. What father would? And I thought I understood everything it meant to Howard. I was wrong. “Father” in Hebrew is
Aba
, and that, of course, is in turn “God,” and though I'm certain he was at the time unaware of it, Howard heard Sam's fourteen-year-old remark as he had been prepared to by his parents long ago when Howard himself was a boy at a shul in Brooklyn. The word came back years later and claimed him, and he was defenseless. Words have such power. As a schoolgirl, I had read Jesus' cry, “Aba!” Father! and was astonished,
as a grown woman and my first time in Israel with Howard, when I heard a boy call out on a street “
Aba!
” and a man turned around.

“Samuel answered the Lord,” I read to my son. ‘ “Speak; for thy servant heareth.'”

And then, says the text, God revealed all sorts of visions to Samuel.

I glanced up from my child to my husband. He was watching me, simply listening. He made no comment. At the time, I assumed Howard understood these words the same way I understood them. I still think we do.

When Sam turned seventeen, we discovered that he had had visions, too, though I use that word simply to mean that he was suddenly, in several ways, not the boy we thought he was. To Howard it seemed that Sam was being torn from him, and Howard was in torment.

When I read from this book from lovely old Camden Market, I always tasted the Holy Land in my mouth and nose: the polyester of the 1970s jetways and the fuel vapor from the old El Al jetliners, the hulking X-ray machines, the grim baggage searches for bombs and the faint clink of the automatic guns, the tension, the dry Mediterranean breath of Tel Aviv. Howard when Howard was that younger person he no longer is. The ancient stones and the dust cooked by the sun, the aged date palms, and a sharp, hard something you got in the Israeli air coming through the hotel windows at night.

My only child and I sat on the sofa with the children's book, the world thousands of feet below us outside the open French doors as the desert sun burned through a luminous particulate molecular mesh spun by millions and millions of automobiles on the Los Angeles freeways. When I began going to Israel with Howard, I was struck by the palms, and even after all these years I'm still conscious of them since, where I come from (or at least one place you might plausibly say I'm from), they are potent, exotic symbol and metaphor. (But then so is the place I live now, this dream factory that is Howard's job.) Palm trees look, one discovers, quite the same poking up
beside the ancient, dusty passages of Ramallah shading fly-infested donkeys hitched to knock-kneed Arab carts as the palm trees standing at the foot of our smoothly curving asphalt street as it meets the stop sign on Mulholland Drive, across from Cahuenga Peak, just the other side from Universal Studios and above the 101.

 

THE VARIOUS BOOK CLUBS STARTED
a year ago during one of Howard's Shakespeare recitations at dinner at the Hamburger Hamlet on Sunset Boulevard. Howard told a reporter at some point that the credit was mine because I mentioned something that set him into motion that evening. But it wasn't. It was Howard.

On the other hand, we were eight at the table and had just ordered when Stacey Snider asked me about a reading list, so you could say that Stacey began it.

I had stopped there in the afternoon to make the reservation; it's an industry place, but in a low-key way. “Certainly,” the hostess had said. She wrote it down. She gave me a delicious smile. “So where are you
from
?”

New York, I said. She seemed to find that logical, somehow. Mine is such a strange accent, neither entirely one thing nor another, and naturally people become curious. I thanked her and went outside where the valet, a well-scrubbed boy, had watched over the convertible, and I tipped him.