Your Ex-Boyfriend Will Hate This (13 page)

Chapter Twenty-Two

The Myth of Full Disclosure

I’m just going to come out and say it right now: the “whole truth” is wholly overrated.

As the famed wit Oscar Wilde wrote:

“The truth is rarely pure and never simple.”

We lie to each other, even to the people we love most, and sometimes especially to the ones we love most. Take, for example, our discussion about past sexual partners. In a survey of two thousand ladies by
Glamour
magazine, they were asked, “How many women has your boyfriend slept with?” Here are the results:

• None – he was a virgin – 16.7 percent

• One – 8.8 percent

• Two – 5.8 percent

• Three to five – 14.8 percent

• Five to ten – 14.5 percent

• More than 20 – 11.4 percent

• No idea, I don’t want to know – 28.1 percent

There are a couple of notable things about these results. First, men clearly underreport their number to their girlfriends. By most conservative estimates, the average number of sexual partners for men is above ten, whereas the survey results suggest the opposite. The other notable result from the survey is the last entry, which, by my estimate, is about 71 percent too low. So I’ll ask the question to you again in a more direct fashion, dear reader:

Do you honestly want to know how many women your boyfriend has penetrated?

We talked earlier about why I think you should never share your number. Short of STDs or undisclosed children, your sexual past is irrelevant and no one else’s business. Nothing good comes from this discussion, ever. A prime example is the story of my friend, Rebecca. Her last boyfriend initiated the discussion of sexual history early in their courtship. Against her better judgment, Rebecca revealed her number, and it turned out to be higher than his. Fortunately, the guy took the news reasonably and reacted in a mature fashion, responding with a good-natured perspective.

Just kidding. He flipped out.

Want to know why you should never tell your number? Because when you’re honest, you get responses like this:

“The guy is supposed to be the one with a bigger number,” said Rebecca’s boyfriend, exhibiting a vice grip on rationality and fair play. “That’s just how it is.”

Whenever someone’s only argument for something is “that’s just how it is,” you can be sure that’s just how it isn’t. Among my friends, this is by no means the only example of this ridiculously specious argument. Plenty of men, even normally rational ones, honestly support this idiotic double-standard. Whether it threatens his male ego or contaminates his perversely warped idea of female “purity,” this kind of retrograde dope needs to feel more experienced.

If you don’t want to avoid his type altogether (which is my heartfelt recommendation), don’t answer the question in the first place. If he insists on an answer, lie right to his big, stupid face. Tell him you’re not only a virgin, but that your priest says you’re so pure that you won’t truly lose your virginity until the third mating.

In the case of my friend Rebecca, she wasn’t accused of being a slut only on that first night. The discussion flared up over and over during their four-year relationship whenever a fight became particularly bitter and she was clearly winning the argument. Men often accuse women of not staying on point or playing fair during a fight, but men employ the same dirty tactics when cornered. Given that Rebecca was far and away her boyfriend’s intellectual superior, his response in a fight usually devolved into:

“Yeah, maybe I don’t [get a job/clean up after myself/ever take you anywhere nice/tell you I love you/etc.]! But you’re a goddamned whore!”

Rebecca got this form of thanks repeatedly, just for being honest. And it probably wasn’t the only time when a denial or skillful half-truth would’ve served her better. The idea that full disclosure is warranted is patently ridiculous, especially early in relationships. I don’t know if it’s the influence of daytime talk shows or therapy or self-help books far more misguided than this one, but we’ve been sold the idea that the unvarnished truth is necessary, early and often. Live by this credo if you wish, but don’t be surprised when your relationships end, early and often.

There has been a mountain of research on the subject of online dating. People who meet online are presented an opportunity to create an image of themselves that face-to-face interaction doesn’t offer. In person, we present a series of non-verbal cues (facial expression, body language, etc.) that can counteract the message we’re attempting to convey. In short, our bodies give us away, making it possible for the absorbed message to differ greatly from the intended message. Online interaction takes place in a vacuum capable of allowing us to shape how we’re perceived. Studies have repeatedly shown that the more successful we are at presenting our best selves, the more successful the ensuing relationships tend to be.

This doesn’t mean you should out and out lie about who you are. If who you are is wildly divergent from the image you present, your relationship is doomed. There no point in trying to get your partner to fall in love with a false representation of you. It will take all of your energy to frantically preserve false pretenses and struggle to maintain a love that, for all intents and purposes, does not exist.

Though there is no use in perpetuating an unsustainable lie, there is real value in presenting your best self during the early stages of courtship. The idea that online dating is the last bastion of the perpetually lovelorn is absolutely rebuked by fact. A study by Bath University in Great Britain reported that 62 percent of respondents thought it was easier to locate someone compatible online than through conventional methods.
[lxiii]
94 percent of these matches resulted in at least a second date. Moreover, one in five people who used online dating services married someone they met online.

Putting to bed one of women’s chief complaints about men since our species first began walking upright, men reported that they found it much easier to open up online than in person. So, not only is it potentially easier to find a proper match online, the relative anonymity of online communication makes the “getting to know you” phase of the relationship much more seamless.

Like everything in life, however, this new openness should be viewed with a cool head. The rush to reveal everything about ourselves doesn’t pay nearly the dividends that our tele-therapists would have us believe. In a study by Nancy Collins and Lynn Carol Miller entitled “Self Disclosure and Liking,” the researchers noted that, while self-disclosure is often seen as positive, there are a myriad of opportunities for things to go wrong.
[lxiv]
The process of getting to know someone is just that—a process. It occurs incrementally and marks the negotiation of a complex relationship. It isn’t enough for each party to hear what’s being said. Far more important is understanding, and understanding doesn’t occur immediately.

This highlights the essential problem in immediately launching into a laundry list of your past actions, your former misdeeds, your dashed hopes, your fears both real and imaginary, the dark corners of your upbringing, and the sum total of your neuroses, past and present. It’s too much, too soon, for any real understanding of the complex person at the center of your list. You would honestly be better off reading New Guy an actual laundry list, which would yield about the same amount of insight and has the added benefit of not scaring the shit out of him.

I’m not saying that who you are isn’t wonderful. Unlike
The Rules
, I’m not suggesting that you maintain a veil of mystery for fear of someone discovering the real you. I’m saying quite the opposite—that you’re a richly sophisticated human being with many layers who can’t be easily explained by a night worth of revelations. It took your entire life to form the person you are today, and you can’t explain all that in a matter of hours, no matter how articulate and self-aware you are.

Don’t try.

Self-disclosure isn’t about spilling out the deepest, darkest recesses of your soul at the first opportunity. It’s about getting to know someone and having him earn your trust. You don’t talk about how you lost your virginity to a business client over lunch. Why would you tell some new guy over dinner on a first date? Or a second or third date, for that matter? Make any new person in your life prove his worth before allowing him into your confidence. As Collins and Miller note, self-disclosure is a skill, one that involves knowing what information about ourselves to give and when to give it.

One of the problems with presenting too much, too soon, has nothing to do with the potential for scaring someone off. Assume that you’ve deluged a new guy immediately with your entire back story, warts and all, and he sticks around. Where do you go from there? Collins and Miller note that couples who rush through an initial stage of “frantic self-disclosure” often find the opposite is true later on. Having unburdened themselves to such an extreme degree early in the relationship, couples have less of an impulse to do likewise as it progresses. This is fine if neither you nor your partner ever changes or leads a separate life, it is less so if you’re stuck down here on planet Earth with the rest of us.

Relationships thrive on momentum. Stasis kills. After the shine of lust fades, what remains is conversation. Lots and lots of conversation. Don’t minimize the joy of discovery. It’s what allows relationships to blossom over time. Besides, as much as you believe you know yourself, there’s a lot you may not know. That’s one of the wonderful things the right person can do—help you to see things about yourself that you’ve never realized before. Spinning a giant origin story for your partner may elucidate certain facts and your own personal theories as to what makes you tick, but it may obscure his own observation. As the earlier survey on body image bears out, we’re our own worst critics. Thus, it’s likely that any appraisal of our own faults is likely to be far worse than those faults appear to other people.

So when you feel the impulse to tell New Guy all the things that are wrong with you, fight it. You’re painting a picture he may never see otherwise. Accept that you look more beautiful than you realize. If you can’t accept it, at least learn not to make a fuss.

Let New Guy earn his way into your heart and mind gradually. If he can’t be patient while getting to know you, it’s unlikely he’ll be patient during the natural growing pains every relationship experiences over time. Like sex, love doesn’t profit from hurrying. Slow down and savor it.

In the last chapter, an entertaining summation of our entire discussion will be provided, and a victory lap will be taken by your author and those of you who are patient enough to see the finish line.

Chapter Twenty-Three

The Grand Design

So you’ve kindly waded through almost fifty thousand words thus far, and the question still remains:

What have you learned?

I hope you’ve learned that the quest to find the right person begins and ends with you. It cannot sincerely begin until you’ve sorted out that funny little person walking around in your skin. Within you is nearly everything you need to be happy—all the questions that need to be asked, and all the answers that have always been yours to discover. Throughout your life, the questions will change, but don’t look upon this fact as a source of consternation. As I said, one benefit of age and wisdom is the ability to ask better questions, and better questions yield more meaningful answers.

If you haven’t sorted yourself out yet, take the time to try. Remember the essential questions:

Who are you?

Where are you?

Where are you going?

Who are you going with?

These questions can’t be addressed out of sequence, either. Each answer begets the next. You can’t sort out where you are in life without first knowing who you are. You can’t envision where your life is going without knowing where you are right now. And you definitely can’t sort out the passengers on your journey without knowing your journey destination. Not everyone is suited to go with you, nor does everyone deserve to. Those worth sharing your life are a chosen few, and they can’t be selected carelessly.

Answering these questions takes real time, time without distractions. Half measures won’t do. The “commitment vacation” is a silly name for something that can’t be treated frivolously. The quest for self-discovery is something you must address in absolute earnest.

In many ways, you’ll have to go it alone. That doesn’t mean you have to live like a monk. Go get laid if you want (or need) to. Have fun! You see, as serious as the need for self-discovery is, an essential part of it is discovering what gives you joy. Discover your passions. Find out what you love to do. Find out what you love, period. Find out exactly who you are.

Whoever that person is, embrace her with all your heart. You’re stuck with her for the rest of your life.

If you’ve always been with someone, this period of introspection probably won’t be easy. The era of defining yourself principally as someone’s girlfriend is over, effective now. If you’re not comfortable being alone, it’s time to confront that and find out why. Your discomfort doesn’t refute the need to take some time for yourself. There’s conclusive proof that it is exactly what you need. It’s time to take the training wheels off your life and see if you can ride.

Retire all childish ideas about what love is supposed to be. We’ve been taught from childhood that romantic love is essentially a magic lottery. It’s entirely beholden to chance or to its self-important cousin, fate. Love either happens at-first-sight or not at all. We’re told that love is an all-consuming force that pays no mind to reason. In fact, we’re taught that love is the enemy of reason. All the stupid sayings we’ve heard reinforce this idea.

Love is blind.

The heart wants what it wants.

Love is blind for people who choose to be blind. The heart doesn’t operate independently of our brains. Your heart is as capable of choosing well as it is of choosing badly and, in any case, it’s always at your direction. Don’t scapegoat a dumb organ for your former idiocy. It’s time to hang all your bullshit out to dry.

You aren’t going to find love by winning some cosmic romantic lottery. Prince Charming isn’t coming, ever; but that’s okay.

Prince Charming was always a bit of a douchebag anyway. You don’t need anyone to sweep you off your feet. You need someone to prove he deserves to be with you. The market is open, but you’re no longer the product. You’re the buyer, and you’re going to survey the entire meat market (to reuse a rather gross metaphor) before choosing who you want.

You’ve earned the right to be choosy. Exercise that right to its fullest.

It’s also time to retire your “type.” Whatever it was, you can gauge its usefulness just by the fact that you picked up this book in the first place. Your old idea about who you should be with is outdated. It’s time to update it to the smarter, wiser person you are now, or at least want to be. Your type is no longer a list of superficial traits. Height, hair color, and choice of career are no longer the chief mitigating factors. You’ve learned to ask the compatibility questions that truly matter. What personality types do you gel with? What core values and beliefs are really important? It’s not just about who turns you on.

It’s about whom can you build a life with.

There are men out there who’ll try to tear you down. If you’re lucky, you only know about them secondhand, but many of you know their kind too well. You have the scars, both real and figurative, to prove it. You don’t experience those dysfunctional relationships in the normal way. You survive them. Though you can’t reverse the steps that led you to be with these abusive men, you can be vigilant in preventing it from ever happening again.

Anything taken from you—whether it be your dignity, your self-respect, your ability to trust or experience intimacy—can be reclaimed. The process of recovery won’t necessarily make you stronger, but it will make you wiser. That wisdom puts you one step closer to discovering someone who’ll honor your love in kind.

The terrible men out there are a small minority. They’re resolutely outnumbered by guys whose hearts are in the right place, even if their heads aren’t. Many guys aren’t ready for commitment. Some never will be. That’s okay. When you’re ready to settle down, you’ll find just as many who can’t wait to build a future with you. There are great guys looking for an opportunity to make the right person happy. They know themselves as surely as you do (or will), and they too know what they want.

There’s someone out there who’ll want to be with you, can’t imagine being without you. He’ll recognize, just as you will, that it’s what you’ve both been waiting for all your lives. And you’ll never look back.

There aren’t any “rules” to help you find the kind of love I’ve just described. Rules are arbitrary. Life is complex, messy, and contemptuous of restrictions. A well-known joke crystallizes the issue perfectly:

How do you make God laugh? Make a plan.

The dating “rules” you’ve been told to observe are now, and have always been, a rigged game designed to cement your subservience. They’re shamelessly unfair and baldly hypocritical. Ignore them. Recreate the rules in your own image.

If anyone else tries to tell you how you should behave, politely invite him to fuck off.

Part of evolving into a happier, more actualized self is observing the failures in your past and learning from the mistakes you’ve made. This often means accepting the hard truth that certain relationships can never be saved. Your ex-boyfriend has earned that title. Loving him isn’t necessarily enough to repair what’s broken. That you’ve invested a lot of time, emotion, and energy isn’t an excuse for continuing to toil in an unhealthy, hopeless relationship. That someone else will eventually replace you isn’t a reason to stay, either.

Just let go.

As much as our culture overvalues youth, there’s so much to gain from growing up it has almost become an underrated achievement. When we no longer guide our lives based on ephemeral pleasures, we create a plan for deeper, sustained happiness, and real fulfillment. Sex is fantastic, but the drive to get off is just as often the enemy to our best-laid plans (pun intended).

Very few decisions can be made without the full command of your faculties. Sex is a drug as potent as any other, so try not to make any life-changing decisions under its influence. Hastiness is your enemy in almost all things, and that’s doubly true for all those decisions that have far-reaching implications. Life isn’t a game show, so you don’t have to make choices against a countdown. The same options available now will also be there tomorrow and the next day. The ones that aren’t are likely best avoided anyway.

To find the right person, you need to have a clear idea of what you’re looking for. That discovery can’t happen overnight, so if you meet someone new and, in your excitement, you’re convinced he’s the one, take a moment and breathe. All you know in the first few months is that you’ve found a guy with the right combination of pheromones. Whether he has any of the other necessary traits can only be borne out by getting to know him. The level of intimacy you want to share is your decision, but be aware of your limitations. If you can’t engage in casual sex without obscuring your ability to view him objectively, don’t have sex until you have a much clearer idea of who he is.

A measured approach will nearly always serve you well. As I’ve noted before in these pages, precious little in life profits from hurrying. (Again, bear attacks are the exception. If you are currently being attacked by a bear, feel free to hurry. Throw this book at the beast, if that will help. Your author won’t be offended by his tome being used as a projectile.) You’ve probably heard people comparing life to a marathon, rather than a sprint. That’s true, but life is really more like a marathon inside a hedge maze. Running indiscriminately in any direction is no better than running backwards. Keep your eyes on the map, and you won’t have to sprint to beat everyone else to the finish line.

Those dumbasses are going to be stuck inside the maze for a long, long time.

Another big part of dating is proper evaluation. This means evaluating both yourself and others honestly. What qualities does someone need to have in order for long-term happiness to be possible? What flaws prevent that happiness? What are your shortcomings within a relationship? Do you have realistic goals for yourself and your romantic partners? What have you wanted to change about the people you’ve dated, and were those expectations fair? How easy would it be to change comparable flaws within yourself?

Asking yourself these kinds of questions in earnest will yield the answers you need to find what you want. The responses may not come easily, and they will change a little over time but you have to keep asking them. They will reveal all you need to know to be happy.

I titled this book
Your Ex-Boyfriend Will Hate This
for a few different reasons, not the least of which was that I wanted a title you would notice on the shelf at your local bookstore. I explained my other reasons in the chapter of the same name (that’s Nineteen, if you need a refresher), but as I type the final few words, I hope the title has become nearly irrelevant. If you take to heart what we’ve discussed and proceed accordingly, you won’t worry about some dumb guy from your past who never appreciated how special you are. You’ve got greater things to consider, greater goals to pursue, and it all starts with you.

Ex-boyfriend? What ex-boyfriend?