You're the One That I Want (15 page)

I loved uni life – everything about it. The fact that we were suddenly in charge of our own lives; of feeding ourselves, washing our clothes, keeping ourselves occupied with no guidance from our parents, well, from my mum. It felt like anything was possible – if we wanted to go out until eight the following morning, we could. If we wanted to eat McDonald’s for breakfast and Pot Noodles for dinner, we could. If we wanted to wear the same t-shirt three days in a row, we could (although Maddy would have told me off for that one). We were in control and, as long as we turned up for lectures ready to learn and got all our coursework in on time, we were left to our own devices. We’d been taken from our feeble existence in Peaswood and planted in the midst of university mayhem. What wasn’t to love?

Bristol was incredible. At night we were your typical mischievous students, jumping from pubs to clubs, to house parties, and wandering back to our rooms when the sun had already started to rise. But daytimes were a stark contrast – the city offered hundreds of different things to keep us occupied when we weren’t busy in lectures or studying. There was something therapeutic about the place. Bristol was inviting and vibrant and its leafy
appearance made it seem more like a big town than an overbearing city. It also had more of a laid-back air to it rather than the fast pace found in most others – instantly making it friendlier.

I’m ashamed to admit that I loved it being just Maddy and me, too – a thought I kept berating myself for having as soon as it popped into my head. I just liked hanging out with her. For us it was just like before, except now we were in this little bubble – a bubble for two. It felt like we were sewn together, living in each other’s pockets. Despite living in different halls, taking different courses and having different lectures, we saw each other daily. We’d grab dinner together, go to the library and study together, go out and get drunk together. And, rather frequently, we’d just chill out together. We’d curl up under my duvet and whack on boxsets of some of our favourite shows –
Friends
(mutual choice),
24
(my choice),
Prison Break
(mine again),
Gossip Girl
(hers, totally hers) and
Dawson’s Creek
(hers, but I have to say, it turned into my guilty pleasure). Hours of our time were spent like that and I loved it – it was even better than when Robert dated Daniella when we were fourteen, leaving us as a two. It just felt lovely …

That first instance of her sleeping in my room hadn’t been a one-off, in fact it kicked off a regular occurrence – something that was never planned, but always a likelihood if she was too drunk, or if we stayed up late watching something on the television and she hadn’t the energy to venture back to her own bed. It was easy and there was absolutely nothing sordid in it, certainly not from her part. As she lay beside me, gently snoring (she’d hate me saying that), it was almost weird to think that I wasn’t her
boyfriend. That she belonged to someone else … our other best friend.

It pained me to realize that the reason she was doing that with me was because she felt so comfortable, because she had no idea of the feelings lurking inside of me. The ones I’d been suppressing since the moment I met her. I’d often lie there wondering how she would react if I just blurted it out and told her. Would she freak out? Be angry that I’d kept it from her? Pity me? Love me back?

Even as I thought about it, I knew I’d never just come out and say it – because of Robert. Not just because she was with him, but because I knew he trusted me more than anything. There was no other guy in the world he’d trust to be in his girlfriend’s life to the extent that I was. I’ve often wondered if he found it weird, us being together so much. He never voiced any aversion to it, so I assumed not.

Our third year came along and chomped us on the arse with terrifying speed, leaving us with only a few months to figure out where we wanted to live once we’d finished and what we were actually going to do with our lives once we were handed our scrolled-up certificates and sent on our merry way into the big bad world of reality. On top of that we were craning our necks trying to complete dissertations and final assignments, as well as attending our normal lectures.

On April 16th, a Friday afternoon (I remember the date clearly for reasons you’ll come to understand), I found myself free from lectures. Rather than sitting indoors and fretting over my remaining work, I’d decided to make the most of the freak springtime heatwave and go on a mammoth bike ride along the coast. I’d asked Maddy if she wanted to come but she’d declined, insisting she was too busy finishing off coursework – I pictured her sat on her bed, frantically editing her latest photographs, a worry line forming on her brow. She was such a perfectionist, but it paid off. Her work was always awesome. She had a natural eye for capturing little moments, even if photography was something she insisted was something she ‘fell into’ through being clueless about her future plans.

So, there I was, enjoying the glorious weather and the salty wind blowing through my hair, when Robert called. Needless to say we still spoke on the phone daily, some days two or three times. Maddy always joked that I spoke to him more than she did; I think, back in those days, she could have been right. I pulled over and got off my bike before picking up, perching on a stony wall that was separating me from the sandy beach below.

‘Mate!’ I breathed into the phone, my lungs only just starting to recover. ‘You coming down tomorrow night?’

‘Something’s happened,’ he blurted, steamrolling my chatter with haste.

Everything inside me froze as I heard the fear in his voice. It was far from the calm and cheeky tone I was used to hearing – I knew it was something serious.

‘What’s happened? Are you okay?’

‘No …’

‘Rob, what is it?’ I instantly thought the worst. I thought he was about to tell me something had happened to my mum.

‘I’ve done something really stupid.’

‘What?’

‘I’ve slept with someone …’

‘You’ve what?’

To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I was hit by a wave of nausea as my surroundings slipped away from me, all my senses focusing on Robert’s voice.

‘You heard,’ he muttered, not wishing to repeat it.

‘When?’

‘Last night.’

‘Fuck!’

‘Yeah … what a cock,’ he berated himself.

‘But what about Maddy?’

‘I know.’

‘What are you going to do?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Have you told her?’

‘No! I wanted to tell you first.’

‘Why? I’m not telling her for you,’ I stammered, not wanting to be the one to break her heart – he could do that himself.

‘Of course not, I wasn’t going to ask you to. I just wanted you to know so that you can be there, you know, when I do.’

‘Right, yeah. When you going to do that?’

‘Now. When I get off the phone to you.’

I thought of Maddy going about her day as usual, blissfully unaware that her boyfriend was about to drop the biggest bombshell on her. I couldn’t believe Robert, the guy who we thought we knew so well, who was loyal and trustworthy, could do such a thing.

‘Why’d you do it, Rob? Who is she?’

‘I can’t answer why, it just happened. She’s just a girl. A random, stupid, girl.’

‘Fuck!’

Neither of us spoke for a few minutes – a million different thoughts raced through my head as I tried to make sense of it all.

‘Look, I’ve got to phone Maddy. I’ve got to tell her.’

‘What are you going to say?’

‘I don’t know. I’m so confused by the whole thing.’

‘Right …’

‘Look, just be there, okay?’

‘Of course … aren’t you going to come see her?’

‘I think I should do it on the phone. Just get it over with. Get it out there.’

‘But –’

‘I can’t, Ben. I just can’t,’ he said forcefully.

Anxiety took a hold of me as we said goodbye. I stayed there for a few minutes, perched on the wall looking out to sea, trying to calm myself down and compose myself as I watched the waves relentlessly crash and foam.

I was angry at Robert, angry that he’d messed up in such a huge way. Maddy wasn’t just some girl he’d been dating for a few years, although that would have been bad enough, she was his best friend. Our best friend. One of us. How could he be such an idiot? Why would he risk losing her for some random girl?

I felt helplessly sad for Maddy. She’d never been the jealous type, never uttered a word of worry to me about what Robert was up to in Nottingham without us to hang out with. I knew the news would crush her.

Cursing Robert for not having the guts to come and face up to his actions, I shakily jumped on my bike and started to make my way to hers, ready to pick up the pieces of her broken heart that my trusted friend had so thoughtlessly trampled on.

We’d moved out of our halls and into actual houses in our second year. Despite the fact that we spent almost all our free time together, we’d decided to stay living apart – mainly because we didn’t want to start irritating each other with our bad habits (I was messy, she was a clean freak)
but also because her flatmates, Flo, Pearl and Jennifer, wanted to have some sort of all-female, spotlessly clean sorority house. The deal was sealed for Maddy when she discovered that the bedrooms had en-suites – a luxury she was reluctant to let go of. We were still only a few minutes away from one another, both only a couple of miles from the centre of town.

Maddy was in her room when I got to her house an hour later, after a hectic cycle back into town. I found her curled up on her bed in the foetal position, hugging her pillow, with a handful of snotty tissues in her palm. Her mascara had been smeared all over her cheeks thanks to her tears, and her face was blotchy and swollen. Her lips looked redder and fuller than ever as they pouted outwards with misery.

I’d not seen her in such a state since primary school.

‘Hey,’ I said softly, walking towards her. Suddenly feeling awkward in the space I knew so well and in front of the other person in my life I thought I knew inside out.

She sat up slightly, her big blue eyes looking at me in such a forlorn manner my heart dropped to the floor.

‘Do you know?’ she asked feebly.

‘Yeah, he called a little while ago.’ I hated admitting that. Knowing before her made me feel like I was Robert’s accomplice somehow, even if I had only known a few minutes before. It made me feel guilty by association, or like I’d been there and not stopped it from happening.

‘Oh …’ she said, nodding her head as she sighed. ‘What a twat.’

She moved over onto one side of the single bed, and stretched out an arm to me, beckoning me to her. I took
Maddy into my arms and gave her a squeeze, trying my best to comfort her.

‘Why’d he do it?’ she whimpered after a moment or two, shifting her body so that her head rested on my chest.

‘I don’t know.’

‘He’s such a fucking dickhead.’

‘I think he’s saying the same thing.’

‘He’s not.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I think he wants a break …’

‘He didn’t tell me that.’

‘He said he needs time to think things through,’ she whispered with a quivering voice.

‘Oh …’

I had thought it would be a broken Maddy splitting up with Robert when she heard what he’d done. I hadn’t expected it to be him throwing in the towel instead. I’d assumed it was just a one-night thing, a drunken mistake, I wondered if there was more to it than I’d been told. Otherwise, Robert would surely be there fighting to stay with her – mopping up her tears as he begged for her forgiveness. It upset me that he wasn’t. I couldn’t help but feel disappointed with him as Maddy lay there heartbroken in my arms.

I tried not to think about how Robert’s actions would affect the three of us, but I couldn’t help worrying. After all, it wasn’t just their lives that would be altered – it would be mine too. I knew a fracture within the group would change everything. I wasn’t sure how we’d cope. Or, more to the point, how I’d cope if the two of them could no longer bear to be in each other’s presence. They were my
rocks, the other two legs of my tripod. The disorder felt, in many ways, worse than when my dad had left – at least back then I had my mum for support. I knew she wasn’t going anywhere. But with Maddy and Robert, there was a possibility that there’d never be a sense of calm again. They were selfish thoughts, though, and, at least for that night, I knew I had to be there for Maddy, when Robert had decided he didn’t want to be.

‘Do you think he still loves me?’ Maddy asked softly, after a heavy silence.

‘Of course he does,’ I lied. I didn’t know what was going on in his head and that was the alarming thing. I’d never felt so out of touch with the guy I’d thought of more as a brother than as a friend. His actions were so out of character. ‘But do you still love him? Could you forgive him?’

She let out a sigh before sobbing, ‘Oh Ben. Why on earth has this happened?’

We stayed curled up together on her bed for hours. I let her cry, moan and shout angry words at our best friend – she really did call him every name under the sun. I’d never heard her swear so much, but heartbreak had unleashed a new side to her.

‘Right, I’m done.’ she said dramatically, hours later, picking herself up off the bed and stretching her face as she swept her hands over her cheeks, shaking her body as though she was shaking the stress away. ‘No more tears, that’s it. We’re going out.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes. He’s not here, Ben. He hasn’t realized his monumental mistake and arrived demanding to sort things out.
Hell, he hasn’t even called or texted since he told me,’ she said, picking up her phone and showing me the empty home screen.

‘Well, I –’

‘He doesn’t give a crap,’ she said forcefully. ‘I’m not prepared to go all weak and helpless just because I’ve been dumped by the flipping love of my life.’

As she said it I saw her lip wobble and her eyes glass over with fresh tears, belying the strength she was trying to convey.

‘Mad, it’s okay …’

‘I’m fine,’ she said sternly, mostly to herself as she commanded the tears to back off. ‘Now, I’m going to chuck some fresh make-up on and then I’m going out to get wasted. Coming or not?’

I let out a nervous laugh, ‘Are you sure that’s what you want to do?’

‘Abso-fucking-lutely,’ she boomed.