You're the One That I Want (32 page)

I.

LOVE.

YOU.

That was what I’d wanted to say in those three little squeezes.

I knew I meant it.

I really did …

Being in that setting, with the emphasis of the occasion one of love and happiness, it was hard to escape the intense desire that took hold of me – making it impossible to ignore. I had an overwhelming urge to open my mouth and say the words out loud, but I couldn’t. Instead I found another way to express what I was undoubtedly sure I felt. The words pulsed through my body and out of my hands into hers, the one I loved inexplicably.

Of course, it would be easy to brush the whole thing off and insist it was a crush, a silly little case of puppy love, but it wasn’t. It was far more than that.

From the moment I saw Maddy she’d captured me. She had me completely gripped. I was fascinated with everything about her – the way she looked with her fire-like hair and flushed cheeks, the way her heart-shaped lips spoke with a softness and warmth, and the way she
appeared so vulnerable as she exposed her caring heart. I adored her – it was that simple.

With Maddy in my life I felt whole. She added a magical sparkle that I’d never wanted to live without. And so I told her, with those three little squeezes. I had no agenda, no hidden plan or desire for anything to change between us – my only thought was to relieve myself of those feelings by communicating them in the only way I felt I could.

Three squeezes of love.

From me.

To her.

It was enough to know that she felt the same way back. I couldn’t have asked for anything more from her. I wanted Maddy and my best friend to have a lifetime of happiness together, knowing that I would always be there by her side, loving her unconditionally in return.

As I let her go, into the arms of the best man I’d ever known, I felt a sadness knowing the best man had won – it just wasn’t this best man.

As I dropped my son off for his first day of school, I watched with a swell of pride as he gaily ran into the playground and played with anyone who showed the slightest bit of interest – he wasn’t picky, yet. A friend was simply someone who flashed a smile in his direction and included him in whatever they were doing. He had no reason to be cautious or wary of their intentions. I hoped he had many more years of that delectable innocence ahead of him – before the school politics kicked in and taught him otherwise.

I wasn’t the only one to become overwhelmed at that momentous milestone in my son’s life. His mother, my wife, hastily fished around inside her brown leather handbag – searching for a tissue to mop up her falling tears.

‘Hey – you okay?’ I asked, as I put my arm around her and pulled her into my chest for a hug, kissing the top of her head and taking comfort from the familiar smell of her shampoo.

‘I’m being silly. Sorry …’ she mumbled, shaking her head slightly at the emotion continuing to mount inside of her. Unable to regain control of her breathing, she allowed soft sobs to escape as she continued to talk. ‘He’s just so grown up. Where did the time go?’

‘He’s still our little Scruff,’ I assured her, using the nickname we’d given him on account of the fact that no matter what we dressed him in, and no matter how much we scrubbed him clean, our little tyke always looked like he’d been on some great grubby endeavour. His rosy cheeks and unruly dark curly hair didn’t help to make him look any smarter.

She pursed together her lips and gave a little nod of agreement before exhaling and pulling her golden-brown hair away from her face. ‘I just hope he likes it,’ she shrugged.

‘He’ll love it.’

‘But what if he misses us?’ she frowned, turning to check on his whereabouts, her bottom lip pouting out in the same way our son’s did – it was hard to decide which of them had picked up that little habit from the other. I wondered if she’d always pulled that expression, and whether it was just amplified now I had two gorgeous faces showing their scrummy bottom lips whenever they were worried and looking for comfort. Either way, they both had the ability to melt my heart within seconds. I wanted more than anything to resolve their woes, for them to know I was there, with them unconditionally – that they’d always have me for support. I was never going to be a dad who upped and left, or a husband who deserted his wife without a second thought. But then, why would I when I knew the two of them brought out the best in me and that I had everything I’d ever need within the four walls of my family home? Nothing would ever tempt me into tearing our happy existence apart. I knew that unquestionably.

‘Kate,’ I breathed, unable to stop a smile from spreading across my lips – she really was adorable. ‘We’ve been stood where he left us for the last five minutes and he hasn’t looked round once to check if we’re still here. He’s far too excited about getting up those monkey bars and having a swing.’

‘True,’ she sighed, as she brought her crumpled tissue up to her hazel eyes once more.

‘He’ll be home in a matter of hours, chewing our ears off with every little detail.’

With a nod, she smiled up at me, ‘I know. You’re right. We’ll never be able to shut him up.’

‘Exactly,’ I laughed, leaning forward and planting a kiss on her forehead.

‘Nice to see my wife’s not the only one who’s an emotional wreck,’ Robert mockingly grunted before laughing, as he walked towards us with Maddy clinging on to his arm. Her face was as red and swollen as Kate’s, leaving no doubt that she’d been finding the morning our little ones gained some independence just as tough.

‘Shove off,’ she choked, nudging him with her elbow, before covering her face and dissolving into laughter herself.

‘And to think you used to laugh at your mum for doing the same thing,’ I reminded her.

‘God, I know. I’m an embarrassing mother already!’ she sniffed, taking the tissue Kate was offering her and wiping her dewy face. ‘I swear I saw her roll her eyes at me this morning too. Such attitude! She’s five!’

‘And it’s only the beginning,’ added Kate. ‘It’ll be worse in ten years’ time when they’ve got all those teenage emotions flying around.’

‘They probably won’t even talk to us then,’ Maddy muttered sadly.

‘Yep. And everything will be our fault,’ nodded Kate.

‘Speak for yourself, I’m always going to be the cool dad,’ answered Robert with a grin and a wink in their direction.

‘Of that we’ve got no doubt,’ Maddy replied with an eye roll. ‘Shit – did she get that from me?’

We all laughed at the shock on her face.

‘Seriously, though, I wonder what they are going to be like …’ I marvelled aloud.

A silence fell upon the gathered group of adults, as we looked over at the children in the playground and started dreaming up different versions of the futures that lay ahead of us as we watched our babies grow and develop into fully functioning adults. What would become of us? But more importantly, what would become of them?

I was envious of my innocent little boy starting out on his first big adventure. Because school, no matter how insignificant and annoying it may seem as we get older and can’t wait to get away, sets us on our life’s path. It plants ideas for us to thrive upon, teaches us where we want to go and who we want to be – feeding us the notion that our dreams are limitless, that we can do anything if we believe in it enough and truly set our minds to it. But best of all, it encourages us to seek the friendships of others, to learn to lean on them for support and to console them in return. After all, it’s the people you meet along the way who really make a lasting impression and who will, if you’re lucky, stick with you for the rest of your life.

‘We could spend a lifetime standing here thinking about
that,’ mused Robert, breaking the moment. ‘Want to come back to ours for some coffee instead?’

‘We have biscuits!’ grinned Maddy. ‘Chocolate ones!’

‘Sold!’ laughed Kate, looping her arm through my red-headed best friend’s and nuzzling her head onto her shoulder.

The two mothers had become exceptionally close – probably because our children had become as inseparable as Robert and I had been at that age. It was a comfort to see how much each of them valued the other’s friendship – and how far we’d all come.

Before any of us had even nudged from our spot at the school gate, we all took a collective (and tentative) look into the playground, making one last check that all was calm and happy (and that our presence was still unrequired), before tearing ourselves away.

I left Isaac in the comfort of his new surroundings, but for the rest of that day, in fact, for many days, weeks, months and years to come, I wondered what stamp school would end up leaving on his heart. I hoped with every ounce of my being that he would have the pleasure of knowing love and heartache in the way that I did. It might sound strange me wanting my five-year-old son to experience heartache, but without it I wouldn’t have met his mother – a wonderful woman who taught me just how uncomplicated falling in love can be when it is with the right person, as well as highlighting the notion that timing is everything. If I had met her earlier in life I’ve no doubt that I’d have made a complete mess of the whole thing. I wouldn’t have been ready to receive her love or to give the
love I’d spent years accumulating. I was unaware that it had been building up so intensely inside of me, longing to be given and bursting to cherish another being in all its entirety. When Kate came along I knew I was ready to open my heart again, but was as surprised as she was to discover its magnitude and strength – love oozed out of me like an uncontrollable tidal wave, happy to be freed as it quickly enveloped her in a tight embrace – promising never to let go.

Without it I wouldn’t have him – my biggest challenge, yet my greatest achievement. Nothing on earth could make me happier than watching my son discover the world. He fills each of my days with happiness and pride, a feeling I know I’ll savour and never let go. Ever.

Without that love and heartache I also wouldn’t have the unconditional friendships I have with his godparents Maddy and Robert. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what my life would have been like without the two of them by my side – if I’d become friends with other kids and hadn’t even known them. Without them, I wouldn’t be me. That’s something I can be sure of.

Nor would my little boy have such a close relationship with Emily Miles – the beautiful little redhead who’s every inch as wonderful, magical and spellbinding as her mum.

I tell myself that there’s no significance in the way his eyes twinkle when he looks at her, that he talks about her nonstop, or the fact that he holds her hand whenever possible … but you never know.

Writing book one was easy – I didn’t really have a deadline and was simply writing it for fun. Book two, however, was a whole other story thanks to the expectations I placed upon myself and the fact that life has gone a little bit crazy.

So, for keeping me sane I’d have to say a massive thank you to my agent Hannah Ferguson. Not only for continuing to believe in me, but also for getting me to believe in myself again once the self-doubt had started to seep through. Apparently it was all part of something I like to call ‘Second Book Syndrome’. Phew. A special thanks to everyone at The Marsh Agency (who work alongside Hannah), for looking after me and making everything so simple.

As
Billy and Me
’s editor Claire Pelly took some well-deserved time away from her MJ desk to look after baby Tara (she’s so cute – I’ve seen photos), I was left in the capable hands of Celine Kelly. Thank you for your ideas and inspiring pieces of cake.

Katie Sheldrake, Kim Atkins, Fiona Brown, Beatrix McIntyre and the wonderful PR, marketing, digital and sales teams at MJ – thanks for being so enthusiastic about my books and being lovely bubbly people.

To everyone who’s messaged me on Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr demanding to know when they can get their
hands on my next book – thank you for the support, I hope you enjoy it.

To all my wonderful friends – you rock my socks off!

Mum, Dad, Debbie B, Giorgina, Lee, Mario, Bob, Debbie F and Carrie – thanks for being the best family on the planet … my life is a lot easier and happier with you guys in it!

Tom, thank you for inspiring me with your many talents and encouraging me to nurture some of my own.

Crumb, you are our everything. I hope you grow to love with all your heart, to follow your dreams and to laugh daily. Thanks for all the kicks along the way – they weren’t distracting at all.