Zombiez! (6 page)

But she would have then been launched into
total insanity as the footage would have abruptly cut off (the man
surmised that this particular camera was turned off for a while,
for some unknown reason) and picked up right as Billy “Bobby”
Wengston was yelling “GO!”

The old woman probably would have been forced
to avert her eyes as Phil immediately screamed “UNCLE!” and let go
of Gator's undies. He imagined her horror after turning back out of
morbid curiosity or jurorly commitment and seeing poor Phil's head
nearly hit the ceiling from the upward force of the yank, then loll
back with the rest of his body as he passed completely out with a
gurgle. The whole yank-scream-loll-gurgle process took less than
three seconds, after which this grandmother, who had five grown
boys with presumably fully intact scrotums that they presumably
also find very essential, would have to watch as a drunk and
maniacal Gator held Phil's lifeless body up over his head by the
back of his underwear for a full 10 seconds while yelling
unintelligible sentences ending in “brah.” She would then probably
be unable to turn away as an unmistakable red cascade poured down
Phil's crotch and legs, and would perhaps join in with all of the
other contestants and people on set who were yelling at Gator to
please for the love of God stop. Finally, she would have felt a
surge of relief as several burly security thugs came in with tazers
to separate Gator and Phil's bloody underwear from the rest of
Phil. The camera would then have zoomed in for a close-up on Phil's
slack-jawed and wide-eyed face, and granny would have gotten a
glimpse of some foamy bubbles forming on the sides of his mouth as
a symphony of “bzzts” and “bros” played on and on in the
background.

Then the footage would have cut to black, and
the jury would have probably sat in stunned silence for a while.
Upon reflection, this empathetic and thoughtful woman would
probably have wanted to award that poor man the largest civil
monetary settlement of all time. The man in the red beret couldn't
exactly help her with that, but he could give her what she
really
wanted. Justice was indeed comin' to town, and no
amount of pouting or crying could stop it.

________________

¹
For example, it was the Eater of Worlds that came up with the
ingenious way to launch those electrically charged atoms into the
atmosphere without them dissipating, thus creating the ionic storm
necessary to bring the nearby dead back to life. If not for the
Ancient One's suggestion, the man in the red beret would probably
still be messing around with a microscope, some magnets, and a
potato gun.