1 Assault with a Deadly Glue Gun (20 page)

"Sorry," he said. "It never occurred to me that I'd be igniting a
world war, but you're right. Your sons shouldn't have let me in, not
without first asking to see ID. I guess I figured if you had to go out,
you would've mention I'd be coming."

"Frankly, I forgot you were coming," I said. "It's been a little
crazy around here since I got home."

"So I hear. Two break-ins?"

Here it comes. A perfect excuse to pull out. With all his expensive camera equipment, I'm sure the last thing he wanted was an
apartment in a burgeoning crime zone. "That's right. Two breakins. In two days. So I guess you've changed your mind and now
want out of our agreement?"

"Did I say that?"

He hadn't, but I figured it was only a matter of moments until
he did.

"What kind of security precautions are you taking?" he asked.

"Two-by-fours across the basement windows."

He laughed. The man actually laughed at me. "Two-by-fours?
You've got to be kidding. That's not going to stop someone bent
on getting in."

"It's all I can afford. I plan to bolt them to the walls, not nail
them. That should do the trick."

"Mom, Zack said he could install spy cameras for us," said
Nick.

"Mr. Barnes," I corrected. "I guess along with sucking the common sense out of you, the aliens also made off with your

"He said we could call him Zack."

I turned to the hunk in question.

"As long as you don't mind," he said.

"Fine. If you don't mind, I don't mind." I had bigger battles to
fight. "Did you finish your homework?" I asked my sons.

"Sort of," said Nick.

"Almost," said Alex. "Zack said he's got all sorts of cool equipment, Mom."

"Very cool equipment," said Mama, back in Elizabeth Taylor
mode and letting her gaze drink in Mr. Perfection.

"Mama!"

Zack had the decency to blush. Knowing Mama, the conversation would only get more X-rated from here. I turned to Alex and
Nick. "Homework."

"Just when we're about to get to the good stuff," complained
Nick.

I pointed toward their bedroom. "Now."

As they reluctantly headed down the hall, Mama continued her
full frontal assault. "Can I assume the apartment is for you and
you alone, Zack, dear?"

"Told you so," grumbled Nick. "We never get to stick around
for the good stuff."

"Just me," Zack answered, trying to keep from laughing. It
didn't take a PhD in psychology to realize he was enjoying this
farce way too much.

Mama batted her lashes. I wondered if any of the local amateur
theaters were casting a senior citizen version of A Streetcar Named
Desire. Mama would make a perfect sexagenarian Blanche DuBois.
"No wife?" she said. "How is that possible, a good-looking man
like you?"

Good Lord, couldn't she at least wait until Seamus had turned
into a worm banquet before casting her husband-catching net
upon the available waters? The woman had absolutely no shame.

Or maybe she was just scared to be alone and without a man in
her life. As embarrassed as my mother made me at times, I did feel
sorry for what was turning into an endless streak of bad luck for
her. Ever since my father had died, whenever Mama gave away her
heart, fate threw her a curve ball.

"I was married once," said the overly-accommodating available
man in question. "It didn't work out."

"And no significant other?" continued the Cross Examiner
from Hell.

"Not at the present."

"No children?"

"Wasn't married long enough."

It was time for me to step in as the adult in this situation. "You
don't have to humor her," I told Zack. "And as for you, Mama,
enough with the Flora Inquisition."

Then I turned back to Zack and in my mind, the more pressing
issue. "You're welcome to install whatever you want for the apartment. At your own expense."

"I intend to, but I'd be happy to fix you up with some equipment, too. We could catch this guy red-handed if he returns."

"So you still want to move in?"

"Why are you finding that so hard to believe?"

"You'll have to forgive my daughter," said Mama. "She's not
into men."

"Mama!"

"Hey, whatever floats your boat," said Zack. "I don't pass judgments."

But was that a flicker of disappointment I saw streak across his
face or just my own imagination shifting into overdrive?

"I'm not a lesbian!" I said.

"Well, honestly, Anastasia! Whatever would make you say such
a thing?"

"You just implied-"

"I implied no such thing."

"But it's good to know," said Zachary Barnes. He winked.
Winked! What was that all about? "Want some help putting up
those two-by-fours before I leave?"

Did I ever! But declining seemed a more appropriate response
at the moment.

Unfortunately, Mama beat me to the punch. "We'd love your
help, wouldn't we, dear?

"Oh, and by the way, speaking of lesbians-"

"We weren't speaking of lesbians, Mama."

"Of course we were, dear. You brought the subject up. Don't
you remember?"

"I give up!"

Mama turned back to Zack. "As I was saying, speaking of lesbians, you're not gay, are you, Zack dear? That's not why your marriage ended, was it? Not that I have anything against gays, mind
you. Anastasia's cousin-by-marriage Lawrence Goldberg is gay,
and he's a lovely young man, isn't he, Anastasia?"

"Sure, Mama. Larry's the salt of the earth, but Zachary's sex life
is none of your business. Can it."

"I was only making conversation, dear. No need to get all huffy.
I still say you need a vacation. This stress is getting to you."

What was I going to do with her?

Was Flora Sudberry Periwinkle Ramirez Scoffield Goldberg
O'Keefe setting her sights on becoming Flora Sudberry Periwinkle
Ramirez Scoffield Goldberg O'Keefe Barnes? Or was she trolling
for a new son-in-law? I'd have to read my mother the Riot Act before she went to bed tonight. Meanwhile, I guess I was getting
some help with those studs-from a stud.

"You realize this is a safety hazard, don't you?" asked Zack. Using
Karl's electric drill, he fastened a bolt through one end of the twoby-four I held, securing it to the concrete wall alongside one of the
six basement windows. "It may even be a building code violation"

"How so?"

"What if there were a fire and you were trapped in the basement. You'd have no way to get out."

"If the fire were upstairs, I'd have time to grab the drill and free
up one of the windows."

"What if the fire started from the furnace exploding?" he asked.

I glanced across the room and frowned at the furnace. "I didn't
think of that."

He gave me one of those looks men reserve for women whom
they think aren't as smart as they are. I really, really hate that look.

I thought for a moment, then shrugged. "If the furnace exploded, I'd either be severely injured or dead, so it wouldn't matter. Either way, I'd be in no condition to climb out a window,
bolted or not."

He moved to the other end of the two-by-four and set about
attaching the second bolt. "Now that's a pleasant thought. Do you
always look at the glass half empty?"

"Actually, up until last week I always assumed it was half full."

"What changed your mind?"

"My husband died and left me with a parting surprise-not a
dime to my name and a secret mountain of debt."

He stopped drilling and turned to face me. "Jeez, I didn't know.
For some reason I just assumed you'd been divorced for a few
years. And here I've been-"

Dare I say it? "Flirting?"

He gave me one of those little-boy-caught-with-his-hand-inthe-cookie-jar looks. "Human nature for a red-blooded male. I'm
sorry.

"No need to apologize," I told him. "I'm flattered. And my ego
thanks you for the much needed stroking. It's not every day a slightly overweight, middle-aged working mom receives attention
from someone who's been in People magazine."

"Those were nothing but photo ops instigated by a money
hungry publicist and a well-positioned photographer on his payroll."

"Hey, I could strip down to my undies and strum a guitar in
Times Square. I doubt I'd make it into People magazine."

He eyed me head to toe, and I felt the heat rushing to my
cheeks. "You never know."

"You're still doing it," I said, but I couldn't keep from chuckling. Zachary Barnes had a way of making me forget the shit swirling around me, even though we were talking about that very shit.

"I figured your ego wouldn't mind. But you're right. I'm a jerk"

I shrugged. "Forget it. Shit happens. I just never expected it to
happen to me."

"These break-ins certainly haven't helped," he said. "You've
sure had your share of bad luck lately."

"You have no idea." No way was I going to tell him about Ricardo and Marlys. I'd probably said more than I should already,
but something about Zack Barnes made me feel safe in opening up
to him. To a point.

We moved to the next window. "By the way," I said. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention the debt thing to my kids. I haven't
told them yet. I wanted to give them time to deal with their father's death first."

"No problem. I'm good at keeping secrets"

"So while you were waiting for me to come home, my sons and
mother didn't tell you every single detail of my life, down to the
color of my toothbrush and whether I have an innie or an outie?" Or that I found a dead body in my office Monday night and the police think I killed her?

He grinned. "Nothing about a toothbrush, but there was some
mention of an innie."

"You're doing it again."

"But you haven't whacked me with one of those two-by-fours
yet, so I figure your ego still needs some attention."

"That's totally not fair, you know."

He screwed in another bolt. "How so?"

"Because thanks to my bigmouthed sons and mother, you now
know so much about me-"

"And you think it's only fair to have an even playing field?"

"Exactly."

"You're right. Equality among the sexes." He moved to the
other side of the window and secured the second bolt. "I guess I
should admit that I, too, have an innie."

"Great. I feel so much better knowing that about you, Zachary
Barnes"

"Okay," he said as we moved to the third window. "I'll tell you a
couple of other things."

"They don't have anything to do with unexposed body parts,
do they? Because if so, I'll pass."

"No body parts, exposed or otherwise."

"And nothing that will embarrass me?"

"That I can't guarantee. But I don't think so"

"Oh, you're good. Tease me just enough that I have to know. So
what are these two things?"

He fastened another bolt before speaking. "I think your kids
are pretty cool, Anastasia Pollack. And your mother's a hoot." He
turned to look at me. "Was she really coming on to me?"

I laughed. "Can't get anything past you."

"You'll find I'm a very observant person."

"Mama somehow managed to be born without the Subtle Gene.
She's on the prowl for her next husband. Take that as a friendly
warning.

"As flattered as I am, I'm afraid I'll have to disappoint her."

"How surprising."

"Think she'll be heartbroken?"

"For at least forty-eight hours. That's about as long as it should
take her to set her sights on my next potential future stepfather."