10 Weeks (7 page)

A nest of baby loons is resting on the edge of the water. Their black fuzz blends them into the background
,
but the light from the top of the hill shines almost directly on them.

“Oh my God,” I whisper. “How did you find them?”

Alex shrugs. “I saw the mother looking for food earlier and followed her. Pretty cute, huh?”

I blink at him and nod. “Yeah. Kind of amazing
,
actually. I don’t think I’ve ever seen loons that small. Not even in ten years of being here.”

Alex shimmies back and props himself up against a tree, his long legs stretched before him. “Yeah. I’m going to miss this kind of stuff next year. But I’ll probably get to see even more in the Costa Rican rain forests.”

I nod. “Probably.”

The wide expanse between us suddenly seems uncrossable
,
and I don’t know how to tell him what I want. So I just sit quietly next to him and lean my head against his shoulder.

“Robin’s in hospice. They think only a few days now.”

“Jesus. Really? I haven’t seen Irene. I should’ve asked.”

He takes my hand in his.
This is us now. He likes holding my hand in this adorably old-fashioned way.
“Irene’s been with her.”

“Are you okay?”

He nods. “Yeah. Sad for her. Sad for Irene. But I said my goodbyes a long time ago.”

“Did you… Did you want me to go to the service with you or whatever?”

He squeezes my hand. “No. That’s okay. It’s too much to ask
,
and I’m not sure how Irene would take it.”

I want to tell him that I don’t give a shit what Irene thinks. All that matters is if he needs me, but I realize this is a childish response and I need to be more patient with him and all his insecurities about us.

“Okay. Well, if you change your mind…”

The air between us is full of questions, but neither of us has any answers right now. We have a dying ex and a nest full of baby loons and a nineteen-year-old girl who has fallen too hard. So we don’t say anything.
We sit beneath a tree, holding hands and pretending that in two weeks, we’re not going to have to say goodbye
.

Three days later Alex disappears. His classes are cancelled with no explanation. Irene’s still gone so I can only assume the worse. Robin’s died. I expected more from him. A note. Something. But kisses and sex and
hand-holding and
all the rest of it appa
rently haven’t translated in
his mind as any indication that he needs to tell me when he’s taking off.

It’s my own fault. I said the L word. I haven’t said it since. He hasn’t asked for it
,
and I certainly haven’t asked him to reciprocate it. Even I have enough sense to know when to protect myself. But still, a quick text or note on my bunk saying, “I’m taking off to deal with Robin stuff. I’ll see you when I get back” would have gone pretty far.

As it stands, I am an archery machine. I
design
an elaborate contest for the campers recreating
The Hunger Games
with archery targets. I go to town and buy a boatload of candy to give away as prizes. In summer camp, candy is currency and by the end of the first day, everyone wants to sign up for the contest, even those girls who’ve never picked up a bow before.

Sam
makes all her campers join and then spends the rest of the day helping me with the contest. By four o’clock, we’re both exhausted and ready for a drink at the Little Minnow.

I choke down dinner and eavesdrop on all the conversations around me to hear if anyone knows anything about Robin or Irene. Unfortunately, most of the rumors are about Alex and how he’s run off with a former camper. The irony of this isn’t lost on me
,
and I secretly smile i
nto my mashed potatoes, thinking
if only they knew
.

Jo is sitting on the hood of her car, waiting for us after dinner. She’s tense and buzzy and I can tell something huge is racing around her brain.

“Ready to go?” she says and hops off the car, clicking the unlock button.

“Yep. In a hurry?”
Sam
says with a smirk. So, whatever is going on, I’m the only one not in the know.

“Did you want to tell me something?” I ask.

Jo shakes her head and bites her lip.
Sam
chuckles and slides into the back seat.

“You’ve missed a lot of fun nights at the Little Minnow” is the only explanation
Sam
will offer me.

Jo throws the radio on too loud and thumbs through her songs to get to one we all know and love. We belt the lyrics at the top of our lungs as we head up the camp road. I glance at Alex’s cabin as we pass it and my breath catches.

“Stop!”

“What?” Jo slams on
the brakes, turns off the music
and looks around. “Did you see a deer?”

“No.” I unbuckle my seatbelt and slide out. “Alex is back. I’m gonna…”

Sam
sighs and climbs over the backseat into my now vacant one. “Shafted for a guy…again.”

I grin. “Sorry. I’ll make it up to you.”

Sam
waves me away. “No, you won’t. You’re worthless. The entire girl code goes to shit when love is involved. This is why I don’t mess with that. Guys yes. Love, hell no.”

I lean down into the car. “Thanks. I don’t know what I’d do without the two of you.”

Sam
grins. “Him. You’d do him. All the time.”

I laugh and then wave. The car accelerates up the camp road
,
and I can hear the music pouring through Jo’s open windows again. I take a few steadying breaths before I tiptoe to Alex’s cabin.

I knock lightly and hear the shuffle of feet inside. He pulls the door open and my heart stops at his look. Before I can say anything, he’s tugged me into the room and lifted me up, his hands cupping the underside of my thighs. My back slams against the door and his tongue is plunging into my mouth, almost choking me in its ferocity.

I press my palms against his chest, but he crushes me closer. All my good intentions about telling him off, telling him that I’m worth a fucking note at the very least, seemed to have escaped me for this moment. His lips and mine tangling and searching for each other.

Finally, he lets me go.

“Thanks for the note,” I say, pulling my shirt back down to my waist.

“I didn’t know how to tell you.”

“A simple,
Hey Kay-Kay, my ex died so I’m gonna take care of that
would’ve sufficed.”

He shakes his head. “I couldn’t see you before I left.”

“Why not? That’s asshole. That’s high school bullshit. Jesus, aren’t you supposed to be the grown up here?”

He rakes his fingers through his sandy blond hair and steps back. “Yes. But when I got the news, I didn’t feel like a grown up. I wanted to come to you. I wanted to bring you with me. I wanted to hold on to you and never let go.”

The breath rushes out of me. “Why didn’t you?”

“Because I can’t feel that way. You’re nineteen. I can’t want you this much. It’s not supposed to be like this. It’s not supposed to hurt like this.”

I’m
suddenly
shaking. Violently. My legs won’t hold me
,
and I slump to the ground. I hiccup a sob. “I know.”

“What am I supposed to do about you?” The desperation in his voice is everything I’ve felt in the last few weeks. The gnawing hunger and the painful knowledge that it can’t be, that
we
can’t be.

“I don’t know.”

He drops down and crawls toward me. “I’m in love with you. You have to know this by now.”

Of course I do. It’s everything I wanted. Everything I knew
in the back of my mind
. And it hurts like nothing I’ve ever known. The shaking won’t stop and he gathers me into his lap and clings to me tightly.

Tears are slipping down my face. He
collects
them
on his fingers
and brushes them away. Then
when they keep coming,
he kisses them away. And kisses me. And I get lost in it again for a moment before I pull back from him.

“We’re not going to work?” I say.

He shakes his head. “You know we aren’t.”

I scrunch my eyes together and beg for the moment to freeze. For us to get to be like this forever. For nothing outside of these walls to exist. But when I open them again, I know I won’t get that. I won’t get to keep him. He’ll walk away from me and he’ll be right to do it.

I pull off my shirt and help him off with his. “Okay. Tonight. Just tonight. Right now. I’ll disappear after this, but right now, I need this. Please.”

He lifts me and puts me on his bed. His fingers brush away the last of my tears and then he’s on top of me, loving me in a way that’s both tender and desperate. And as I cling to him, I know that this is his way of saying goodbye.

The campers left yesterday. It’s the staff’s last day and I haven’t been with Alex since ten days ago. We don’t even look for each other. We can’t. The heartsickness is too huge. The day after the last time,
Sam
saw me at breakfast and shook her head, then mumbled something about the trouble with love. Since then, both she and Jo haven’t left me alone. I love them for
it and every night with them is
solace in a way that I never could have expected.

Though Jo’s been skipping out some nights. She’s up to something big, but still hasn’t let it drop. At least not to me. It’s the end of the summer, she may just let it pass.
And Sam has been more quiet than I’ve ever seen her.

We’re having a campfire and the entire staff is singing. Nancy, the head
cook
, has out her guitar and even Irene has shown up. She returned to camp a week ago to see that everything was still in order. She didn’t mention Robin and none of us asked about her, though by this point, most of
the counselors
had heard the story.

Alex is on the opposite side from me
,
staring into the fire. The s’mores I had earlier sit like a lump in my gut. I can’t sing. I can’t even move. I can only ache. I’m a coward. I should get up and tell him goodbye. I should wish him luck in Costa Rica next summer. I should tell him to send me a postcard. Instead, I blink back tears and gnaw the inside of my cheek.

Jo and
Sam
sandwich me in a squeezy hug
,
and I hold their hands because they have been through it all with me and don’t care that I’m a stupid girl in love. Alex stands up and stares at me. He points to the woods and the question in his face turns me inside out. Yes, I want this. But no, I don’t think my little heart can take much more.

“One life, sweetie,” Jo whispers in my ear. “I might even try to get mine, too. If I can do it, you can do it.”

Sam
nudges me. “She’s right. Go fucking own that.”

I drop a kiss on both their cheeks and stand on shaky legs. Alex is already to the edge of the woods by the time I catch up with him. I expect him to kiss me or at the very least wrap me in his arms, but he merely leans against a tree and stares like he’s trying to memorize me. Like I’m standing in front of him with no clothes on.

A deep blush creeps up my neck and he moves forward to grab my hand.

“Come with me.”

I blink. “What?
Where?
”

“Next summer. Come with me to Costa Rica.”

I let the excitement of possibility buzz across my skin before
I shake my head. “I
don’t have the money
. They won’t send us both.”

“They will. You’re my plus one. I already contacted them.”

“You did what?”

He looks at my fingers laced through his and traces the bones with his thumb. “I contacted them and asked if I could bring someone with me.”

“Wait. What?”

“I told them I was interested in applying for the grant and asked if I could bring someone with me. Like a research assistant.”

“And they said you could?”

“Yeah. I mean we’d have to pay for your airfare and food. But
I could help you with that. Y
ou could stay with me
,
and I bet you could even get college credit for it.”

My mind is reeling. “You want me to come with you?”

He shakes his head. “Yes. Obviously. Why would I bother asking if I didn’t want you there?”

“But, why?”

He releases his hand and lifts my chin. “Because, beautiful, I don’t want to lose you.”

Then his mouth is on mine and we’re kissing and laughing
,
and everything has been solved at the same time that nothing has. There are so many what ifs still. So many things that could happen in the next year. But none of it seems to matter. Not now. Not when he’s gone to the effort of finding a way to keep me.