16 Sizzling Sixteen (16 page)

You only got one pot, Grandma said.

I had more pots, but they got wrecked when my stove caught fire. I put the garbage bag on the back porch and took a seat at the table with Grandma. Maybe just one piece of coffee cake, I said.

Two pieces of cake and two cups of coffee later, I pushed back and stood.

I need Lula to help me decorate this big black boot, Grandma said. I think it needs some of that glitter, or some rhinestones. Lula has a real flare for fashion.

TEN MINUTES LATER, I was looking for a parking place in front of the bonds office. Cars were lined up on the curb. Some were double-parked. Some were angled in nose first. Soccer mom vans, junkers, tricked-out Escalades, Civics, and F150s. Mooners RV was parked in front of the bookstore. A crowd of people was milling around on the sidewalk. Hard to tell what was going on from the road. And then I saw the sign as I drove past. SIDEWALK SALE.

I parked half a block away and walked back to where Lula was directing pedestrian traffic.

You want genuine first-class handcuffs, you just go to table number three, she called out. You could have a lot of fun with these handcuffs. They fit just right around a bedpost. Handguns are table six. We got a nice selection. Kitchen appliances and jewelrys inside.

Whats going on? I asked her.

Sale, Lula said. Sunflower wouldnt negotiate, so were sellin everything. You want a lawnmower? Its gonna go cheap.

I havent got a lawn.

Oh yeah, I forgot.

Wheres Connie?

Inside. Shes doing credit card sales. Im strictly cash out here.

Lula was dressed in four-inch black micro-fiber heels decorated with multicolored glitter, a short purple Spandex skirt, a gold metallic tank top, and she was wearing a Tavor Assault Rifle as an accessory.

Whats with the gun? I asked her.

Its in case some of these people get unruly.

A big bald guy in a wifebeater shirt and cami cargo pants came up to Lula.

Hey, Lula, he said.

My man, Lula said to him.

Do you want them to be? Lula asked.

No. Shit, what would I want with a legal gun?

Dont know, Lula said, but these suckers are whatever the hell you want them to be. Cash only.

I snaked my way through the crowd to Connie. Whats going on? I asked her.

Connie stepped back, away from a woman checking out a waffle iron. Sunflower wont deal. He wants all the money, so Lula and I came up with the idea for the sidewalk sale. This stuff was all taken in exchange for bond and never reclaimed. It was just taking up space in the back room, so we figured wed sell it.

Lulas selling weapons out there!

Thats great, Connie said. Theyre a high-ticket item.

I think its illegal to sell guns like this.

Connie craned her neck and looked through the front window at Lula. Its okay, Connie said. That guys a cop.

How much are these dishes with the roses on them? a woman wanted to know.

Twenty dollars, Connie said.

A second woman elbowed in. Wait a minute. Those are my dishes. I gave them to you so my nephew could get out of jail.

Connie looked at the sticker on the bottom of a plate. Weve had these dishes for a year and a half.

It dont matter. Theyre mine.

Wheres your nephew? Connie asked.

Tennessee.

The first woman handed Connie a twenty and started stacking up her dishes.

Police! the second woman yelled. Theres a robbery going on here.

Lula ran in with her gun. Did someone say robbery?

It was no misunderstanding, the second woman said. Those are my dishes. This old lady here was gonna walk out with them.

Old? Excuse me, the first woman said. Youre not exactly a spring chicken. And these are my dishes. I saw them first.

They both had hold of a plate, and they were nose to nose, eyes narrowed.

Mooner strolled over with a plate of brownies. Ladies, have a bite of a Moon Man brownie. Were selling them out front, but these are free samples. I made these brownies in my very own test kitchen in the Love Bus.

We all took a time-out so the ladies and Lula could have a brownie.

These are real good brownies, Lula said. These are doughnut-quality brownies.

I changed my mind, woman number one said. I dont want the dishes. Im buying brownies.

I dont want the dishes, either, woman number two said. I never liked them anyway.

Lula took a second brownie and went back to patrol the sidewalk.

If she keeps eating brownies, were going to have to take her keys away, Connie said. I dont know exactly whats in Mooners brownies, but my guess is theyre at least sixty percent controlled substance.

Im surprised Sunflower wouldnt take what you offered for Vinnie.

He was in a vicious mood. He said we were lucky he was holding at a million three. And we have until nine oclock tomorrow morning.

Did you discuss how the trade-off was going to work?

No. He didnt want to talk. He was really cranky. He gave me his demand and hung up on me.

Guess things arent going good in Sunflower Land.

Lula pushed her way back to us.

Watch out. Comin through. Outta my way, she was saying. I just sold all our guns, she said to Connie. We got any more?

No, that was it, Connie said. I saved the good stuff for our personal use. I have them locked down in the back room.

Too bad, Lula said. Theres a couple guys buying up everything. I sold them a case of cuffs Vinnie got at that fire sale. And they bought the box of dynamite that got wet when the roof leaked in January.

Nope. They were from Idaho. They said they were part of some militia, here on a recruiting drive.

Uh-oh, Connie said, looking past me. Morellis at the door, and he doesnt look happy.

Probably, he wanted some of them guns, Lula said. Thats what happens when you dont get here early. You miss out on all the best stuff.

Morelli made his way back to us and clamped a hand around my wrist. We need to talk.

Howdy, Lula said. Youre lookin fine today, Officer Morelli.

Morelli made a half-hearted attempt not to smile. Youre going to have to cut her off from the brownies, he said to Connie.

Id chain her to the street light, but she sold all my handcuffs, Connie said.

Morelli pulled me past the file cabinets to the back door.

What the hells going on? he said. I was driving by on my way to the station, and I saw a couple neo-Nazis loading guns into the back of their van.

They were neo-Nazis?

And theres a line halfway down the block to buy Mooners brownies. I dont suppose you checked the ingredients?

Chocolate, eggs, flour . . . I said.

Theres not a person in that line wholl be able to pass a drug test.

He leaned close to me, nuzzling my neck, his lips brushing my ear. You smell nice again.

You, too. You smell like . . . Brownie!

Morelli grinned down at me. I dont know where hes getting it, but hes got some really good shit in those brownies.

Are you going to shut him down?

No. By the time I get back to him, hell have sold out, and the problem will be solved.

Howd it go with the dead lawyers?

He looked to the front of the office. This is a zoo. Its like vultures fighting over a dead cow.

I looked around. Yeah, getting to be only bones left. Its amazing what Connies sold in two hours.

The brownies helped.

Do you like being a cop? I asked him.

Sometimes. Why do you ask?

Im not sure I like being a bounty hunter anymore.

What would you rather do?

Thats the problem, I said. I dont know. Ive never had a passion for anything. I went into retail after college because I like to shop, but I didnt especially like my job. And Im not sure I was good at it. And then I became a bounty hunter because I couldnt get anything else. And I know Im not the worlds best bounty hunter.

You make a lot of captures, Morelli said.

Wow, are you being supportive of my job?

No. I hate your job, but youre not horrible at it.

Thats the problem. Im not horrible at it. I want to be wonderful at something.

I know a few things youre wonderful at.

Good grief.

Morelli hooked a finger under the shoulder strap on my tank top. Would you like me to list them?

No!

Tonight?

Maybe tonight, I said.

Morelli leaned into me and kissed me lightly on the lips. Youre such a cupcake.

I went back to Connie. She was packing the service for eight in a box while a woman waited. She gave the woman the box and she left, elbowing her way through the crowd.

Im going to cut this off at noon, Connie said. We only have junk left. Nothing thats going to bring any real money.

Is there anything I can do?

Yeah, you can get food. When I shut this down, well count everything up. Lulas either going to be passed out or have the munchies real bad by then.

TWENTY

WHEN I RETURNED to the office a little after noon, the tables were gone from the sidewalk and the cars and trucks were also gone. Mooners RV was still parked in front of the bookstore, but Mooner wasnt in sight. Most likely, he was inside the Love Bus planning out Hobbit Con. I carted the bags of food into the office and set it all out on Connies desk.

Connie was working with a calculator, adding in money shed arranged in stacks on the floor. She had a Glock on the desk beside her phone. Lula was asleep on the couch. Lula woke up when she heard the food bags rustling.

Is that food? God bless whoever brought food. Im starved.

I have meatball subs and potato salad and macaroni from Pinos, I told her.

Connie took a sub and kept working, plugging numbers into the calculator.

How are we doing? I asked her.

I think were going to make it. The guns and the motorcycle helped a lot.

That whole back room is just about empty, Lula said. Only thing left is dust bunnies.

I sat back and ate my lunch and watched traffic move past the bonds office. The rhythm on the street was normal again. I imagined the militiamen were on their way back to Idaho with their dynamite, and some woman in the Burg was setting her new service for eight in her china closet.

Thats it, Connie said. We have a million three for Sunflower and fifty-two dollars left over. I have the fifty-two dollars on my desk. Everything else can get packed. Count it as you go. We want to give Sunflower a million three. No more. No less.

What are we gonna put it in? Lula asked.

Connie collected the lunch wrappers and stuffed them into the Pinos bag. We have a couple duffel bags in the back that were holding guns. We sold the guns, but I kept the bags.

Do you think Sunflower will recognize his money? Lula asked.

No. Its all been rebundled, Connie said to Lula. So far as we know, we werent seen at Choppers, and you were the only one seen at the funeral parlor. I doubt theyd attribute the robberies to you.

Lula and I set to work packing the duffel bags, being careful to count as we packed, and Connie called Sunflower.

He sounded happier this time, Connie said when she got off the phone. I think he needs the money.

Where are we making the switch? I asked her.

He wants us to bring the money to the back door of the bar. I told him we wouldnt go inside, so hes going to have his man waiting for us.

Well take the Mercedes, I said to Connie. Ranger monitors all his cars. If anything bad goes down, well have Ranger backing us up.

I drove the Mercedes to the parking area behind the bonds office, and Lula and Connie lugged the duffel bags out and put them on the backseat. Connie got in the front passenger seat and set her Uzi on the floor, between her feet. Lula squeezed herself onto the backseat next to the duffel bags filled with money. Lula had her Glock in her purse and a sawed-off shotgun wedged between her legs.

I had my gun with two bullets.

Vinnie better appreciate this, Lula said. Im expecting a raise. And I want a company car. Not just any car, either. I want a good one. And I want one of them tower of treats at Christmas. You know, where you get it in the mail, and its a stack of boxes with all kinds of shit in em.

I dont want a raise, Connie said. I want to rescue Vinnie, and then I want to kick his perverted ass all the way from the bonds office to the hospital.

I drove across town and turned up Stark Street. I had my eye on my rearview mirror. No Rangeman tail in view, but I knew Chet was following my blip on his screen. Connie and Lula were silent. We were all in alert mode. I rolled past the bar, took the next cross street for half a block, and turned into the alley.

Three goons were waiting outside the bars back door. No Vinnie. I crept down the alley and stopped at the bar. Connie powered her window down, and the men stepped forward. Connie poked her Uzi out the window, and the men stopped in their tracks.

Do you have the money? one of the men asked.

Yes, Connie said. Do you have Vinnie?

No. Why would we have Vinnie?

You recaptured him.

Not that I know of, the guy said. Im just supposed to get the money from you. You give us the money, and we dont blow up the bail bonds office with all of you in it, including Vinnie.

I need a moment, Connie said to the men. And she powered her window up.

What the heck is this? Lula said. Im confused.

Connie looked over at me. What do you think?

Connie gave a curt nod. Thats what I think.

So whos got him? Lula asked.

Dont know, Connie said, but if we give them the money, they wont blow us up.

Lula opened her door and dumped the money out on the pavement. I want a receipt, she said.

I dont got a receipt, the one guy said. Mr. Sunflower didnt give us no receipt. And anyway, wed have to count it to give you a real receipt.

Are you sayin Im a cheater? Lula said to him. Because you better take it back if thats what you meant to say. You be in for a world of hurt if you slander me.

Cripes, woman, the guy said. I just dont got a receipt. Cut me some slack here.

Hunh, Lula said, and she slammed her door shut.

Guess were done here, I said.

And I drove off.

That was sort of a letdown, Lula said. I expected to get Vinnie back. Not that I even want him back, but we gave those guys a lot of money, and seems like we should get something. I need a doughnut. If you turn onto Broad, theres a doughnut place.

You cant solve all your problems with doughnuts, I said. If you keep doing that, Im going to get fat.

Theres four ways to manage stress, Lula said to me. Theres drugs, theres alcohol, theres sex, and theres doughnuts. I go with sex and doughnuts. I tried the other two and it wasnt any good. You being in a dry spell, you might have to rely on doughnuts.

I turned onto Broad, and a block later, I pulled into a Dunkin Donuts drive-through. Lula got a bag of doughnuts, and Connie got a bag of doughnuts.

I took a doughnut from Connies bag. So what do we think about Vinnie?

I think hes dead, Lula said.

He hasnt turned up, Connie said.

Lula finished off her first doughnut. He could be in the morgue.

Connie shook her head. All the cops know Vinnie. Hed get IDd if he showed up dead.