2007-Eleven (13 page)

“Well,” he said, when finished. “She’s certainly no angel. Forgets chores. Won’t go to bed. Cries, shouts, pouts. Looks naughty to me.”

“She’s a nice kid,” I said.

“Yeah, and I’m the Easter Bunny! Listen, Sleigh, this chick sat right on my lap, swore she’d be good for goodness sake, put in for a Barbie Play Set. And look at her room, look! Swaddling clothes. Stockings hung from a chimney—whew, that’s gotta stink. Should all offenses just be forgot? Bah!”

“She’s just a crazy, mixed-up kid,” I said.

“She’s bad eggnog, Sleigh. This nymphet, she’s been playing you like a string of silver bells. Read your own Yule log! You, yourself, said she doesn’t believe.”

“Well, why should she? Kringle, you’re just like her old man. You show up once a year, make merry, and then it’s, ‘Up on the rooftop, click-click-click.’ ”

“I don’t write the songs, Sleigh. I just enforce them.”

“Go tell it on the mountain.”

He gave a strange smile, eyes all aglow, then
flicked a package onto the desk. “Feliz Navidad, chump,” he grumbled.

Then he was gone. Outside, bells were jingling, and it had begun to snow. I unwrapped the package, counted up five golden rings. It was just enough to get the grinches off my back. But they didn’t matter anymore. The fat man had made his list. And I had made mine. I glanced at the clock. The toy store closed in twenty minutes. To make it, then get to Cratchet Street, I’d have to fly.

The authors would like to thank the following people for their inspiration, assistance, expertise, and/or cold beer: Tom Peyer, Erin Duggan, David McCormick, Dan Menaker, Jeanne Tift, Toby Harshaw, Chip McGrath, Jeff Z. Klein, Ratso Sloman, Chris Knutsen, the former Susan Kelly, Bill Glavin, Jim Johnston, Sharon Green, James Gorman, the Scooter, the Boss, the guy who invented cable TV, and all the people at that extended family of ink-bleeding fools that makes up the Syracuse Newspapers. We owe you big.

F
RANK
C
AMMUSO
draws editorial cartoons for the
Post-Standard
newspaper in Syracuse, N.Y. His work has appeared in
Newsweek, USA Today, The New York Times, The New Yorker, The Village Voice,
and
The Washington Post.

H
ART
S
EELY
is an award-winning reporter for the
Post-Standard
newspaper in Syracuse, N.Y., whose work has appeared in
National Lampoon, The Village Voice, The New Republic, The New York Times, The New Yorker,
and
Spy
magazine. He is married and has three children.

Throughout 1992, Seely and Cammuso collaborated on a monthly feature called “The Answering Machine,” which aired on National Public Radio’s
Sunday Morning.