2007-Eleven
Authors: Frank Cammuso
Copyright © 2000 by Frank Cammuso and Hart Seely
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. Published in the United States by Villard Books, a division of Random House, Inc., New York, and simultaneously in Canada by Random House of Canada Limited, Toronto.
Villard Books and colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Cammuso, Frank
2007-eleven : and other American comedies / Frank Cammuso
and Hart Seely.—1st ed.
p. cm.
eISBN: 978-0-375-50591-1
1. American wit and humor. I. Title: Two thousand seven-eleven.
II. Seely, Hart. III. Title.
PN6162.S355 2000
818′.602—dc21 99-044112
Villard Books website address:
www.villard.com
Some of the essays in this work have previously appeared in
National Lampoon, The New Republic, The New York Times, The New York Times Magazine, The New Yorker, Slate
, and
Spy Magazine
.
Grateful acknowledgment is made to the Syracuse Newspapers for permission to reprint “Witch v. Dorothy,” which appeared as an editorial in the June 4, 1999, issue
of The Post-Standard
. The Herald Co. © 1999 The Post-Standard. All rights reserved. Reprinted with permission.
v3.1
For Mom and Dad
—FRANK
For Whitcraft
—SEELY
Elm Street
Bethlehem, Pa.
11:51
P.M.
December 24
W
e’re too late! It’s already been here.
Mulder, I hope you know what you’re doing.
Look, Scully—just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine … halls decked with boughs of holly … stockings hung by the chimney, with care.
You really think someone’s been here?
Someone … or
something.
Mulder, over here—it’s a fruitcake …
Don’t touch it! Those things can be lethal!
It’s OK. There’s a note attached: “Gonna find out who’s naughty and nice.”
It’s judging them, Scully. It’s making a list.
Who? What are you talking about?
Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid
entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.
But that’s legend, Mulder—a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely you don’t believe it?
Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive—and in a hurry.
It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained.
It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.
But why would they leave it milk and cookies?
Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.
But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There’s no sign of forced entry.
Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.
Wait a minute, Mulder. If you’re saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down
this chimney, you’re crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get down there.
But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?
You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?
Exactly. Scully, I’ve never told anyone this, but when I was a child, my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white shanks of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I’ll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back, it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.
Impossible.
I know what I saw. And that night, it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully.
It knew that I wanted a Mr. Potato Head!
I’m sorry, Mulder, but you’re asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you’re saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they’ll close the X files.
Scully, listen to me: It knows when you’re sleeping. It knows when you’re awake.
But we have no proof.
Last year on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspaces over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.
But that was a meteor shower.
Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. Nobody—not even the zookeeper—was told about it. The government doesn’t want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist, the public will stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There’s too much at stake. They’ll do whatever it takes to ensure another silent night.
Mulder, I—
Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear?
On the roof. It sounds like … a clatter.
The truth is up there. Let’s see what’s the matter.
IN U.S. DISTRICT COURT, DISTRICT OF KANSAS
WICKED WITCH OF WEST
, a supernatural being and MBA (Mistress of Black Arts) licensed to operate in the merry land of Oz.
Plaintiff.
-v-
DOROTHY G., a minor; EM and HENRY G., guardians; GLINDA, a self-proclaimed “good witch”; OZ, a wonderful wizard if ever a wiz there was; LOYAL ORDER OF THE LOLLIPOP GUILD, INC., a fraternal organization; EMERALD CITY INDUSTRIAL DEVELOPMENT AUTHORITY, et al.
Defendants.
I. INTRODUCTION AND SUMMARY
Plaintiff seeks monetary and damage relief, resulting from denial of Civil Rights, as described under the United States Constitution, through broad-based conspiracy of high-ranking officials; including unlawful discrimination based on religious practice and crossing a rainbow with intent to commit a felony.
II. UNDISPUTED FACTS
1. OIQn or about June 5, 1939, following a dispute over local leash laws, Defendant
DOROTHY G.
ran away from home.
2. Upon information and belief,
DOROTHY G.
secured and piloted a thirty-four-ton farmhouse through a cyclone, relocating said dwelling onto property not zoned for residential use. Furthermore, said dwelling violated numerous codes requiring equal access for Munchkin Americans.
3. Upon learning of fatal injuries to Plaintiff’s sister, Wicked Witch of East,
DOROTHY G.
told bystanders without remorse that “the house began
to pitch, the kitchen took a slitch, and landed … in the middle of a ditch,” crushing to death said witch.
4. After learning that victim was “not only merely dead [but] really most sincerely dead,”
DOROTHY G.
removed evidence in the form of the deceased’s bejeweled footwear, treasured family heirlooms. Defendant then fled crime scene, wearing said evidence, claiming immunity from prosecution because she was not “in Kansas anymore.”
5. Through coercion and deceit,
DOROTHY G.
recruited as agent subordinate a mental incompetent (henceforth known as
SCARECROW
), who was employed in the agricultural industry as a security guard, despite displaying on repeated standardized tests an IQ of zero.
6. Through coercion and fraud,
DOROTHY G.
recruited a robot (henceforth known as
TINMAN
), originally designed for lumber production, by offering said agent a surgical chest enhancement.
7. Through coercion and intimidation,
DOROTHY G.
recruited an endangered species (henceforth known as
LION
), known to exhibit psychotic tendencies
in a stated desire to make “the chipmunks genuflect to me,” by offering said predator “courage.”
8. Blood tests later revealed in
DOROTHY G
. and
LION
excessive concentrations of a poppy-based sedative, a controlled substance under Class C federal drug-law statutes. Also, both later admitted receiving from
GLINDA
a stimulant known by the street name “snow.”
9. Upon arriving in Emerald City,
DOROTHY G.
and said agents entered into a verbal contract with OZ to serve as mercenaries in a mission to steal Plaintiff’s broomstick, her lone means of transportation and a key to her livelihood in the field of commercial skywriting.