365 Ways to Live Happy (27 page)

If it becomes apparent anytime during your confrontation with an adversary that the situation is moving out of control and may even become violent, walk away. Your adversary cannot continue the battle without you. As you walk, use breathing and counting techniques to feel calmer. Ask yourself why you are angry, what was the hot button your opponent pushed? How did things escalate to the point where they were getting out of hand? Be truthful with yourself about your role in the escalation. Whether it is your wife, your boss, or a colleague, think about what you will say to your adversary when you next face him or her. You don't want to say anything that you will later regret.

You may gain valuable insights and possibly a breakthrough with your adversary by taking anger's opposing position of tenderness and understanding. If talking about what you are feeling or expressing your anger doesn't completely diffuse it, try some mind-body techniques like meditation. Then when you are calmer, approach your husband, boss, friend, relative, colleague, competitor, or whoever is your adversary with a clear statement of desire to work through the seeming impasse. Make it absolutely clear that you desire understanding and that you will do whatever it takes to reach a resolution.

You don't have to do all the work. Ask your adversary to come up with three ideas to resolve the conflict that you two are facing. Simultaneously, you can be brainstorming three ideas as well. With six ideas to discuss, the balance of power will be moving back and forth between you. Also, when you move out of your old entrenched positions to new territory where you explore ideas for solutions, you both are shifting the paradigm that kept you entrenched and stuck. You move away from acting out on negative triggers and instead move onto positive ground.

Many times, negotiating a solution that is acceptable to all parties means each side must give up something. For example, your boss wants a report completed by the end of the workday on Friday. It is past quitting time on Thursday and you are already late for your child's parent-teacher's conference. As you think about the mountains you will have to move in order to give her what she wants, you feel your anger building to the boiling point. What can you do? First, think about what your boss wants and why she chose to give the assignment to you. Perhaps she has more confidence in you than anyone else. Ask to have the day off so that you can work on the report at home without meetings, phone calls, and other interruptions. She'll have to do without you for the day if you are to deliver the report by the close of business.

There are occasions in life when you might need a mediator or otherwise independent third party to negotiate a resolution to an impasse. Whether it's a divorce or a dispute with a business partner, using a mediator to negotiate the settlement can oftentimes be a lot cheaper and quicker than involving a lawyer, especially if the dispute is fairly straightforward. If you want to remain on good terms with your adversary because you will continue having a relationship with that person (such as a relative, coworker, landlord, or neighbor), then mediation to quickly solve the dispute will prove invaluable.

Having a notepad and pen with you isn't just for formal debates. Make a mental note when you detect a shift, however slight, in your opponent's position, and write it down along with date, time, and circumstances when the shift occurred. Then use it to bolster your argument that his position is not absolute. For example, your boss might not feel you need a raise, but you do. You ask him for it. He says not now. You tell him it can even be a modest amount, but he still says no. The next month, you ask again and he says unlikely, but that he'll think about it. That's not the same as the absolute no you heard earlier. Months later, you ask again and he tells you it is likely you'll get the raise when there's a new fiscal budget. When that new budget comes through, you can approach your boss and state your case, using your notes to show him his last comment. Doing so may help you leverage your position for achieving a positive outcome.

You want something from someone but are anxious about asking for it. Never approach a negotiation with the mindset that you will not get what you seek. Instead, remember that you have to first mentally claim what you want. You also have to seek it and ask for it believing that you will get something and possibly everything you ask for. Once you have affirmed to your angels, wife, boss, competitor, children, and friends, for example, exactly what it is you want, you put yourself into a positive mindset for believing that you will actually receive it. You can let go of the anxiety and feel positive and hopeful.

If you look back over the past week and discover that you had moments of happiness, albeit fleeting ones, but moments of stress, anxiety, frustration, exasperation, sadness, resentment, jealousy, impatience, worry, concern, anger, and fear dominated, grab a cup of your favorite tea, put your feet up, and consider this: happy isn't something that you feel only after you've accomplished everything you want to achieve in life. Nope. It's available to you during every step of the journey. But you make the choice of whether or not you experience it.

Your adversaries might express different points of view and approaches to life than you do, but in reality, they really aren't that different from you. Try to develop empathy for your adversary. Imagine being inside his skin, understanding (to the degree you can imagine) his life experience, and seeing the world through his eyes. You might discover that there is more that connects you than separates you. Read the universal declaration of human rights at
www.un.org/Overview/rights.html
. Then write in your journal about unity in diversity. Permit your writing to become a lens for seeing through to underlying truths.