51 Shades of Maggie, Liverpool Style (3 page)

The next day Mr Big texted me sayin to come over an see him cos he wanted to talk to me. And I thought to myself, ‘What am I doin with this man? He's torturin me!' But then I thought about his arse in those chinos ... So, I put on my illuminous yellow miniskirt an my illuminous orange vest top with a blue suede belt to draw his eye down to the Muff area. I wanted to show him what I had that Mrs Robinson didn't – sex appeal.

When I got to his flat he said to me, ‘Margaret I want to take you out. On a proper date. A surprise.'

‘A date? Where to? It's early – the Red Lion's closed.'

An he said, ‘Come with me, I have called a taxi for us.'

So we sauntered down the stairs an on to the street, an he had a fancy taxi waitin, a big silver Merc – not a mini cab with fag burns in the back seat and a dodgy drug dealer driving it. So he took a blindfold out an wrapped it round my eyes an I was worried that he was goin to whip me in front of all the tourists in Hope Street.

An he said, ‘It's a surprise. No peeking.'

When Mr Big took the blindfold off we were sitting beside the big white Liverpool Bus Tour.

At first I said, ‘A Liverpool tour? Mate I could give the fuckin tour.' An then he said, ‘Trust me Margaret – it will be fun.'

Then he smiled at me, one of those wicked smiles an I was moist, so I said, ‘Whores on tour it is.'

So he pulled me on an winked at the driver, who said, ‘No one else on this tour please, it's a private one.'

An I said, ‘Private tour? My ma would be so proud of me!' I felt dead important, like. An there was two big fat Americans standin at the bus stop with cameras round their necks an lookin miserable cos they'd to wait on the next bus, so I give them the fingers on the way past an said, ‘See you – yiz yankers.'

Mr Big trailed me up to the top, an it was an open top bus so it was freezin. Passing the Liver Birds Building, he pulled me over on the seat and snogged the face off me. Everybody was staring at us, but I didn't care. It was like that time in Ibiza, me and Big Sally-Ann were shagging some lads in the sea. Then their mums came and we had to scarper – look, we didn't know they were only 14 – they had chest hair and hard-ons and everything!

Then I stopped kissin Mr Big an said, ‘Oh Mr Big, I've never done it on the top of a bus before, only in the driver's seat an against the side of one!'

Then he said, ‘I'm hard, Margaret. You biting your lip like that is turning me on so much.'

That was like a red rag to a bull, so going past the Mersey Tunnel, I opened the zip on his chinos an said, ‘What about a game of Hide the Sausage?' Then I filled my gob up with him an he loved it!

So there we were, with my head bobbin up an down on his middle leg, an he shouted, ‘What's my name?'

An I shouts, ‘Soooorrrrrrr!' (
Sir
) – that's what it sounded like with my mouth full.

Then he shouted, ‘What's your name?'

An I shouted ‘
baaaaaalllllllll, coootttthhh mm kkknnooocccrrsss rrrr rrooonnnggnnnnnn
!' (
Bell, cos my knickers are ringin
.)

An then, when he was done, he sighed an said, ‘Now it's your turn, Margaret.' Then he flung me across the seat, whipped up my miniskirt, yanked off my thong, an flung it over the side of the bus. It landed on the steps of Liverpool Cathedral. I was mortified.

Driving past Albert Dock, he had me from behind. I shouted ‘I'm King of the world!' He says…

He said, ‘Don't you mean Queen?'

I said, ‘You just concentrate on plunging your anchor in there.'

Then when we were going past Liverpool Town Hall, there was a crowd of councillors standing outside and I couldn't resist the opportunity so I mooned and shouted, ‘Hey ! Take a look at my manifest-hole!'

Then, on the way off the bus, we passed a couple of fat Yanks and I said to them, ‘Wouldn't sit on the top, love – seats are a bit sticky.'

An Mr Big laughed an I think, fuck, I've never seen him laugh before, an it was so gorgeous I was drippin, an I said to him, ‘Mr Big, I think I ...'

But he cut me off: ‘Margaret, don't get attached to me, I'm not good as a boyfriend, I hurt people.'

Then I said, ‘I hurt people too, I nearly bit your cock off goin over them speed ramps on Penny Lane.'

An he said, ‘Let's go back to the apartment and talk more. I don't want to lose you.'

Then I looked at him an his green eyes an his smiley mouth an his chinos with the stain on them an I said, ‘Yeah then.' Then I was sittin in the back of the taxi on the way to his apartment, an I said, ‘These leather seats are makin me slide all over the joint – I'm soakin!'

When we got back to Mr Big's flat I was so shagged out I nearly fell asleep on the bed. Problem was, I was scared of him handcuffin me to somethin or whippin the shit out of me if I fell asleep, so I kept one eye open. I thought he was in the shower cos I heard water runnin but then he came out of the bathroom an he was bollock naked an all sweaty from the steam of the bathroom. I thinks to myself, Holy fuck-a-roo, he's a big ride.

I jumped up to give him a good seein to an he said to me, ‘Hold on, Margaret. I want to take a bath with you.'

‘You what?'

Now I've seen in films, all the twats in the bath together makin love an I think to myself, that's not how you bath yerself. It's in, scrub your box an then out. But then I looked at his smiley mouth an his pecs an his big masterpiece, an I was moist all right. So I said, ‘Okay. But you have to promise not to try an drown me or electrocute me?' Then he laughs again an turns to walk back into the bathroom an the horn overcomes me an I run up behind him like a dog on heat an smack him on the bum cheek.

Then I looked at the bath an my heart sank. Oh fuck! It was one of those fancy ones that looked like half an egg, not attached to the wall nor anything. An I'm worrying about how the fuck I'm goin to fit my big arse an tits in there with him in there too. But as I'm standin, thinkin about causing a bathroom tsunami, he starts undressin me.

Then the next minute I'm bollock naked too an this time I didn't feel mortified – I was empowered. So I did a couple of Jumping Jacks so my tits bounced up an down an Mr Big thinks this is amazin.

So he gets into the bath an then pulls me in an I was sittin in between his legs with my back to him, an then he said, ‘Margaret, I'm going to wash you now.'

‘Wash me? You havin a laugh?'

‘Just go with the flow.'

An he gets a sponge an starts washin my baps, an all I wanted to do was burst out laughin – I didn't know where to look! I was gettin my baps washed by Mr Big from the Dole! They should give out ‘Crisis Bap Washes' or a ‘Back-til-work Bap Wash' for dirty horny whores down in the Dole! That would get some of them off the scratch.

Then he starts rubbin the soap on the sponge an it's all goin frothy, an I have a fair idea of where that is goin next. Then I felt a prick in my back an I said, ‘Fuck, I hope that's a soap on a rope!' An then he laughs, an doesn't he start to wash my Mary with the soapy sponge! An he was going for it – back an forth, up an down, clockwise then anti-clockwise.

After Mr Big had scrubbed my muff to death, he starts massagin it an I said, ‘What are you doin down there? French plaitin or what? Did you scrub Mrs Robinson's fanny?'

An then he said, ‘I don't want to talk about the past.' It got all awkward after that and he said it was time for me to go home. No overnight? Am I some sort of emotionally retarded twat magnet? I jumped up and pulled all my clothes on. He could tell my boiler was about to burst.

‘Margaret, I am trying. There is one thing that I would like … I would like you to come and meet my parents. It would mean a lot to me.'

An here's me, ‘Forget it mate. Mums don't like me an dads wanna ride me – it's not happenin.' But he told me that they lived in a big house in the Lake District, and that it would be a day out from Liverpool. An then he drops the bombshell that he was adopted by them an he was rescued from his cruel birth ma! So I said, ‘That's awful for you, but I can't go to meet your mum an dad. No.'

I just walked out to wait on the taxi, an I had a real cob on. Didn't know if I was comin or goin. He doesn't want a girl one minute, and wants me to go and meet his mum and dad the next.

But Big Sally-Ann phoned me when I was in the taxi an said there was a party in Big Billy Scriven's flat, an to come on over. So I did a detour an ended up there – an ended up drinkin a couple of White Lightnings an sittin on Big Billy's joystick of love. But I felt dead guilty, cos while I was bein twirled round on Big Billy's pole, I was thinkin of Mr Big an I was
moist.

Well, the next mornin I was havin a lovely dream about Mr Big. He was givin me a tit massage with maple syrup an lickin my nips, an I was Bell again, ding-a-lingin all over my
knickers
. But didn't I wake up to see Big Billy Scriven sittin against the headboard, smokin a pipe an starin down at me with a smug grin on his face. Although, with the turn in his eye, it looked like he was starin at the wall, which was even more Disturbia. I was stinkin of fags an sex an the little bump in the sheets under big Billy's crotch area made me think he was ready to use me as a spinnin top again. So I jumped up off the bed, tucked my tits under my arms an ran to the bathroom.

Then I had a quick slash an got dressed quick. Big Billy was a bit pissed off because I had never said no to him before an his good eye was twitchin like mad, an with the other one lookin at the wall, well, he was no oil paintin. An I thought about Mr Big an I said to myself, fuck, he's not that bad. Yes, he rode Mrs Robinson, an she knocked ten bells out of him, but his arse in those chinos is amazin an his tripod is to die for, an his smiley face (when he's not wantin to get me into his red room of pain) is gorgeous. So I decided to give the fucker one more chance to impress me. I decided to go round an get my arse paddled an my nips clamped an see what those silver balls are all about an then I'd know what was what.

So I ran back to my flat to get washed an Big Sally-Ann was standin at the door waitin for me. She was black as your boot from head to toe, hair standin on end, clothes ripped an she was nearly cryin. An I thinks to myself, oh fuck she's been beat up. An then I said to myself, ack no, she boxed for years – she could beat up most of the men in Toxteth. An I said to her, ‘Fuck me, Sally-Ann, what happened to you?'

An she said to me, ‘Oh Maggie, it was awful, awful I tell you. I've singed me minge.'

Then I said to myself, I'm deffo gonna get the long version of this story, so I brought her in for a cup a tea with whiskey in it to calm her down.

Anyway turns out the head-bin had been helping to build the Hallowe'en bonfire, an some scally from Toxteth had set it on fire with her sittin in the middle of it. Now, she wasn't burnt badly or anythin
– she ran out when she smelt smoke – but she tried to save it from burnin down an she got caught in the smoke. So I had to let her have a shower. She even tried to put the flames out with her top, the simpleton.

So when she got out of the shower I gave her some of my clothes to put on an the Fila trackie bottoms were up her shins, an the Burberry hoodie was up her arms an she looked like somebody who'd escaped from a mental hospital. So I decides to tell her all about Mr Big an his whips an his red room of pain to take her mind off nearly getting burnt alive. She was oohin an aahin as I was describin the paddles, the cable ties, the big red bed an Mr Big's arse in those chinos. If I had a tenner, I
'
d have bet she was moist.

An then she said to me, ‘An what's the problem? Let him slap you up if he wants – aren't you gettin shagged every night? An we'll be on the scratch for life, no questions asked, if you keep in with him!'

Then I said, ‘True. But I think I like him more than that. I think I wanna have his babies like.'

Then she said, ‘But the benefits are all getting cut now. You've to go back to work when the kids are seven now. There's no point in having kids anymore.

Then I said, ‘You divvy, it's when they're five!'

Then she said, ‘Ye wha? God, they really are robbin bastards.'

Then away she went to the Red Lion cos she was wantin to get her hole that night. An I thought, you know, life's too short. You never know the minute you could be burnt to death in a bonfire. I'm gonna text Mr Big an tell him I will go to meet his mum and dad tomorrow. What harm can it do? An nobody had ever wanted me to meet their parents before. Ever. Like, one time Big Billy Scriven's mum came to his flat to clean, an do his washin, an I'd been gettin it hard up against the wardrobe at the time. He hid me under the bed an I was bollock naked. She was there for over an hour, hooverin an cleanin. An I was stuck in a twisted heap under his bed with his ashtrays an used condoms. I ended up with a dead leg an ash stuck to my tits – his flat was dead grotty. In the end I just got out from under the bed an said to her, ‘Sorry, love, just look away until I get my clothes on.' She didn't take her eyes off my tits the whole time, the big lesbo. An then she started wallopin Big Billy, so I bolted out the door.

An that's the only time I ever met somebody's mum. An there was Mr Big actually invitin me! The shock! Then I thinks, if they're dicks I can look to see what fancy stuff they have an give their address on to Big Gerry ‘the Housebreaker' an he'll gimme a tenner for it.

So I puts in the text, ‘Rite, changed me mind. Will go to your parents 2moro. Pick me up at lunchtime an wear those chinos. :-) '

Then he replies
,‘
Great. We will have fun. Bring a bathing suit – they have a jacuzzi in the outhouse.'

A jacuzzi in the outhouse? They must be minted like! So I grabbed my Katie Price bikini – the diamante one – an slapped some Fake Bacon on to my baps an thought to myself, Floozy in the Jacuzzi, here we come!