51 Shades of Maggie, Liverpool Style (6 page)

Big Sally-Ann was ragin when I told her about that whore from the Dole gettin me in the shit again. We were round in my flat plannin what to do an she wanted to go an wait for her after work an deck her outside, but I said no to that cos she would get us taken off benefits. It was a tricky situation. So, I ended up tellin her all about the mint-choc-chip ice cream sex instead an she said she was going to go out to get some for Igor cos he would like that, an it would stop him wantin sex in bushes an lay-bys. So after she went, I was sittin eatin crisp sandwiches, watchin
Loose Women
, when I heard a knock at the door. So I opens it an there is a courier there with a package for me.

An the courier told me I had to sign for it. An I thought, oh my God, it's from Mr Big – maybe it's a diamond! So, I ripped it open an it was one of those iPod shuffle things. I'd seen young ones down at the Dole with them in their ears with rave music blastin out.

I got settled on the sofa an read the card an it said, ‘
I hope this says everything I can't
.' So, I turned it on an the romantic had made me a modern-day mix tape. An I was fourteen again. Mickey Ryan had made me a mix tape at Christmas that year with East 17's ‘Stay' on it. I was so chuffed, I took his cherry at the back of the KFC. But this was different. It was all the opera music that he had smacked my arse to. Now that's not my idea of relaxin, rememberin gettin arse walloped. Plus, if anybody in Toxteth heard me listenin to that tripe, my street cred would be ruined forever. An it's taken me years to build that up too.

So, I decided to show Mr Big how it's done an made him a proper mix tape on a
cd
cos I didn't know how to work the shuffle thing. So, here are the songs I put on it.

1) Britney Spears – ‘Hit Me Baby One More Time'

2) Michael Jackson – ‘Beat It'

3) R.E.M. – ‘Everybody Hurts'

4) Guns N' Roses – ‘Pretty Tied Up'

5) Ian Dury – ‘Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick'

6) Culture Club – ‘Do You Really Want To Hurt Me'

7) Prodigy – ‘Smack My Bitch Up'

8) Rihanna – ‘Disturbia'

9) Lady Gaga – ‘Bad Romance'

10) Take That – ‘Why Can't I Wake Up With You'

An I was dead pleased with myself. But listenin to all them songs made me want to get a wallopin again so I texted Mr Big, ‘Thanks for the i-shuffle thing. I made you a
cd
too, I'll bring it round tonight.'

Then he texts back, ‘Wonderful. See you later, babe.' then I was dancin about like a contestant in the Eurovision cos he called me babe.

So, later that night, I got to his flat an he had the snooker table set up for us to have a game.

An I said to him, ‘Now you do know I'm a hustler, don't you?.'

An he just smiled an said, ‘We'll see. I never lose, Margaret. At anything.'

Then I thought to myself, you lost your marbles, babe, when you started ridin that Mrs Robinson, but I didn't say anythin because I could see that he was in a good mood.

So he took the
cd
an put it on. The first song started to belt out – ‘Hit Me Baby One More Time' – an he laughed an said to me, ‘Very funny. Are they all like this?' An I laughed an lifted the snooker cue an broke the balls up on the table.

Then he said to me, ‘Now Margaret. If you are being cheeky, you know I will have to punish you.' An then I bit my lip on purpose an passed him the cue. So, he potted a couple of balls an I thought to myself, he is good, but I was determined not to let him win. So I went to take my shot an I leant over the table to line it up when he came up behind me an pushed me into the table with his stiffy.

An I said, ‘You tryin to distract me?' An he started kissin my ear. Then I said, ‘I'll have you know, I won the pool tournament at the pool hall four years in a row when I used to go there.'

Then he said, ‘I bet you did. I'm sure the guys couldn't take their eyes off you bending over the table like this. Tell me, did you wear a short skirt like this?' An he pulled my skirt up over my arse cheeks until it was round my waist an said, ‘What a lovely round ass you have.' An he started squeezin my cheeks. An I just smiled an thought, concentrate, concentrate.

But as I went to pot the ball, he hooked a finger round my thong an pulled it down to my knees. Then he hit me such a slap. So I pretended to ignore it an took the shot an I potted the ball, just as I got another smack. Then, I felt his big tripod tryin to find the Muff from behind.

An I said to him, ‘Make sure you pot the pink an not the brown.'

Then he whispered into my ear, ‘I'll pot the brown another day.' An I thought to myself, never in a month of Sundays, babe.

Then he said, ‘You need to take another shot.' So I went to take the shot an his hand came down on my backside an then he started pummellin me from behind an I missed the ball. But as I was gettin rid over the table, I took advantage of the situation an moved a few of his balls on the table round an snookered the cunt.

So, by the time ‘Smack My Bitch Up' was blarin out of the stereo, he had me lyin on the snooker table on my back with my skirt round my waist an my top pulled up. My legs were up his front an over his shoulders an he was holdin me down with the snooker cue. Then, after we were finished, he said to me, ‘I think we'll have to abandon this game, Margaret.'

An I said, ‘Sure. You were losin anyway.' Then he told me that we were going to take a shower together. So, we trotted into the bathroom an he grabbed me an pulled me into the shower with my clothes still on! An I was laughin my head off as he turned on the water.

Then he said to me, ‘Touch me, Margaret.'

An I thought to myself, oh fuck, he's never let me touch his scars or anythin. So, I carefully peeled off his shirt that was stuck to him with the water an he was all right with it. An then I thought to myself, he must love me a little bit. Then he pulled my top off over my head an I took my bra off an released the baps. Then he started soapin my baps up with a sponge an I had a little tickle of his middle leg. Then he went to take my denim skirt off and it was stuck to me with the water. He yanked it, pulled it, twisted it an it didn't come off. So in the end, I had to lie on the floor with my feet against the toilet while he stood over me an heaved it off me. I decided at that moment that I needed to go on a serious diet. Then he let me wash him too an I thought I might be in heaven. It reminded me of the time Jack painted Rose on the
Titanic
, lookin at each others bits but not actually ridin. So, after that, we put our clothes on the radiator to dry an went into the bedroom. Then he had me again on the bed. No whips, no chains, no ropes this time. An I fell asleep in his arms.

It was the day of my back-to-work interview with Deirdre at the Dole. So Mr Big left for work first an said to me to have some breakfast an to head to the Dole when I was ready. So I got a cup of tea an a fag an I decided to take a look around his flat. I was lookin in his wardrobe when I saw this black box down at the bottom, so I lifted it out an carried it on to the bed. It was full of details of his past subs. Their pictures, their dress an bra sizes, their contracts, everythin. So I picked up one of the pictures an right enough, it was a dwarf woman. An I wonder if he potted her brown on the snooker table. An I was ragin with jealousy.

One of the women was like a model – all cheek bones an eyelashes an I imagined her an
my
Mr Big havin a bath together, or in the red room of pain. An then another picture was of an ugly bag an I thinks to myself, he's not choosy like is he? It was like goin from Pamela Anderson to Deirdre Barlow! Sure she had a face on her that would have turned milk. Then, I looked a bit closer an I nearly had a fit – It was Deirdre-no-diddies from the Dole! So, I shoved all the pictures back into the box an went to get dressed. I was in two minds whether or not to take the pictures down to the backyard an set them on fire but then Mr Big would have known that I was snoopin about his flat an I didn't want that. Even though I was ragin that he had kept all those pictures an details of his ex-subs.

Little did I know, more drama was to come. When I tried to get my clothes on they had shrunk with hangin over the radiator all night. My white belly top was just about coverin my baps an my denim skirt just about went on, but it wouldn't zip up. An for the life of me, I couldn't find my knickers anywhere. I was gonna put somethin of Mr Big's on but he only had suits an ties an all that shit. So I left the flat an headed to the Dole with my red bra pokin out below my shrunken top, an the Muff hangin out of the gap in my denim skirt that wouldn't zip up. I was like a big whore. After about fifty cars beepin me an women tuttin at me, I finally arrived. I tucked what pubes I could back into my skirt an sat down. Then, out came dozy Deirdre with her corduroy skirt flappin down to her ankles an her bowl haircut. An she's horrified to see me with all my bits on show. She totally lost it and went for me with a stapler. She was tryin to staple my head when the security guard an a couple of the other staff pulled her off me. She had to get restrained in the middle of the Dole an all the scallies in the queue were cheerin.

The manager of the Dole came out to me an was apologisin to me, sayin he didn't know what had come over her an askin me if I was going to make a claim. Then I said that I wouldn't put a claim in if I didn't have to go back there for any more back-to-work interviews, on account of it bein too traumatic for me goin back to the scene of the attack. An he agreed!

Then, as I was walkin out, I saw Mr Big talkin to Deirdre an holdin her hand an I was furious. I couldn't say anything because he's not allowed to shag anyone from work an he'd get sacked if he did. So I had to walk out an leave them an I was fit to burst.

As I let myself into the flat, I thought about Mr Big an those chinos and his smile. An I lay on my bed an remembered the snooker table sex an I was soakin. Then I thinks to myself, how can I make Mr Big fall in love with me? What do I have to do? Then it hit me. I have to let him be my master. Call him ‘sir' when he's wallopin me, let him do what he wants to me in his red room of pain an maybe, just maybe, take a look at that contract again. I decided to get my sexiest clothes on – an get rid of the Muff. Shave the beast off once an for all for Mr Big. So off I trotted to the bathroom, chantin, ‘No muff too tough, no muff too tough.'

My Gillette razor was like a rusted door hinge, it had been so long since I'd used it. And so I ended up hacking at the muff like I was de-weedin the garden an ended up with a fanny that looked like a game of x's and o's – stubborn hairs stickin up in all directions. You could have laid me down an used me as a stinger to catch joyriders. But that's what Mr Big wanted an that's what he would get. So I picked out a leopard print boob tube that Big Billy Scriven said my tits looked great in, an a red leather miniskirt that I got in Primark. An I finished off the look with a pair a gold hoop earrings an red stilettos. When I looked in the mirror, I thought to myself, ‘I'd shag ya.' So off I went, no
knickers
on, pure ride material.

When I got to his apartment and he answered the phone, his voice sounded all sad.

An I said, ‘It's Bell, babe. An my knickers aren't ringin cos I don't have any on!'

An then I heard him heavy breathin down the intercom an I thought to myself, I'm in for it now. So I ran up to the flat an he nearly beat down the door down to get to me.

Then I said, ‘I missed you.'

Then he said, ‘Me too, Margaret.'

Then I went bright red. So I said to him, ‘Right, babe. Forget what happened at the Dole an I never want to hear that woman's name mentioned again. Now, do what you want to me – I am still not signin the contract, but if I shout ‘Maggie says
no
' you have to stop, right?'

Then he said okay to that, so I ran into the bedroom, jumped on the bed an hitched my skirt up to show off my butchered Mary an said, ‘Now get stuck into that, babe.'

Then he saw the banjaxed shavin job an went crazy. He whipped off his chinos an took a run at me like he was about to dive-bomb into water.

Molestin isn't the word. I was bucked, screwed, chewed an stripped nude an I loved it! He flung me this way an that, had me hangin off the bed with the blood rushin to my head an then he flipped me over an had me from the back an I was like a rag doll. Every position in the
Kama Sutra
was done.

Then he said for me to go over to this big wooden bar thing so I went an he put my head an my hands through three holes so I'm hangin like I'm about to get my head chopped off or somethin. Then he put that blindfold on me again an I said to myself, Lord what's he up to now. Then I got ready for a whip or a smack but didn't he belt me with somethin that felt like a stick an I screamed, ‘Aaaargh! What the fuck was that?' It was achin.

An he said, ‘Call me sir!'

Then I said, ‘What the fuck was that, sir?'

Then he told me to shut up an I thought to myself, I'm not havin this. So I was about to tell him not to talk to me like that when he walloped the breath out of me with the stick thing and I went, ‘Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!' an he started comin down on my arse with the stick over an over an I could hardly breathe with the pain. Honest to God it was like gettin stabbed in the arse with a pitchfork by a big farmer.

Then I remembered the safe word an I shouted, ‘Maggie says
no
!' But the bastard kept on hittin me an my arse was on fire. An then the rage built up in me an I was goin crazy screamin, ‘Get me out you bastard!' I was wrigglin an tryin to pull my head out of the trap I was in an I was thinkin to myself, he's gonna get decked when I get out of here. An then he must have snapped out of the frenzy cos he stopped an he dropped the stick an was sayin sorry over an over an I said, ‘Get me the fuck out of this thing now!' An then when he finally released me, I jumped up, I was even cryin with rage, an I turned round an stuck my head into the cunt – ‘Liverpool kiss, you ballbag!' He stumbled backwards an fell on the bed, holdin his nose.

Then I said, ‘You fucked up Disturbia cunt.' An he tried to say sorry an asked if I wanted some Sudocrem for my arse an I said, ‘Naaaaa. But you're gonna need your nose looked at.' Sure the blood was pissin out of it – it looked like a busted boot. Then I grabbed my clothes, shoved them on an left him standin there.

An I walked out of his flat thinkin, no man's gonna beat the life out of me no matter how gorgeous he is in those chinos. I'm not havin it, I'm a fuckin goddess, I'm every woman, it's all in me! Girl power! So I think to myself, next stop, Sally-Ann's. She'll cheer me up a treat. So I went round to her flat an we got stuck into the White Lightning.

I nearly died tellin her about that brute canin me, an she said, ‘Now that's a bit too far. Nothin wrong with a bit of bondage – I dropped candle wax on Seamie Smith's bell-end an put a tennis ball in his mouth an he loved it – he ended up with lock-jaw, but he said it was worth it.'

Then I told her about me stickin the head into him an she said to me, ‘Oh you're brilliant, Maggie, no wonder you lamped him!'

Then I realised that I don't need a man anyway, I have my Big Sally-Ann. An mates are thicker than water. So I asked her about Igor an she said to me, ‘He got lifted last night for exposin himself to the public'

An I said, ‘Whaaaaaaaa?'

An she said, ‘We were havin a quickie up against a tree an two policemen were walkin by the railins an saw us at it. So, we bolted an I flew off an hid in the toilets but he ran the other way an they caught him.' So I had to laugh like.

Then she said, ‘Sure, it's better to be single, so you can shag who you want to.'

An then I said, ‘True. Let's head out on the tear.'

So we headed out to the Red Lion an downed a load of shots, and then walked over to some fellas I recognised from the estate.

An she winked at me an said, ‘I bagsy him with the Kappa top on an his mate with the vest top for afters.'

Then I looked at the rest of them an said, ‘Fuck it, let's head out the back an have a gang bang!' So we grabbed the fellas an ran out into the night, laughin our balls off.