776 Stupidest Things Ever Said (14 page)
Read 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said Online
Authors: Ross Petras
an American officer in Vietnam in a 1968 report on the razing of Vietnamese village Ben Tre
You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy campers you have been, and as far as I am concerned, happy campers you will always be.
Vice-President Dan Quayle, addressing a group of Samoans during a Pacific trip
Notice to Teachers: All teachers seem to have the wrong conception of the course of study about teaching the grades. I say to all teachers that “All grades are to be taught every year.” Do not quibble about this with your patrons. It must be as I say.
The Odd Grades as Major Grades and Even Grades as Minor Grades to be taught in the Even Years. And the Even grades as Major Grades and the Odd Grades as Minor Grades in the Odd Years. Respectfully, T. J. Leathers, Supt.
Kentucky notice to teachers, 1924
No. 1, to determine what it is, at different age and ability levels, that children ought to know, believing that we can never determine if children know what they ought to know if we haven’t determined what it is we think they ought to know.
Kentucky Governor Wallace Wilkinson on his education reform package, in the 1970s
And Kansas City is at Chicago tonight, or is that Chicago at Kansas City? Well, no matter. Kansas City leads in the eighth, 4 to 4.
Jerry Coleman, Padres announcer, going through the scoreboard on air
You call this a script? Give me a couple of $5,000-a-week writers and I’ll write it myself.
producer Joe Pasternak
Yogi Berra:
You mean you get seasick?
Rube Walker:
Do I ever!
Yogi Berra:
On water?
as reported by sportswriter Phil Pepe
God hath kindled a seed in this nation.
Oliver Cromwell, seventeenth-century Lord Protector of England, in a famous address to the nation
I saw no corn standing in ricks, a thing I never saw before and would not have believed it had I not seen it.
William Cobbett, late eighteenth-and early nineteenth-century English writer and champion of the poor, in his most famous book.
Rural Rides
If you think the football game was exciting, wait until you hear the report from Tom Aspell from Amman, Jordan.
Tom Brokaw, NBC News anchorman, just after an NFL game had been broadcast, in his lead-in to a story about the Gulf War
Hi, folks, I’m Jerry Gross. No, I’m not, I’m Jerry Coleman.
Jerry Coleman, San Diego Padres announcer on air
We often pursue the shadow until the bubble bursts and leaves nothing but the ashes in our hands.
from a sermon by a British clergyman
We have spoken of that sanguinary year, 1793. In those troubled times it was that French domestics set an example of the greatest devotion. There were many even who, rather than betray their masters, allowed themselves
to be guillotined in their place, and who, when happier days returned, silently and respectfully went back to their work.
Figaro, Paris, February 1890; from an essay on home life during the French Revolution
Making love is a mental illness that wastes time and energy.
People’s Republic of China, official Communist Party proclamation, 1971
Sex will outlive us all.
movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn
Sexual orientation is against everything in this book [said while waving a Bible].
Robert Shaw, Chicago alderman, in a city council debate on gay rights
Letter from A.M., Mc.W. to
Watertown
(New York)
Daily Times
:
Is it possible for a doctor to determine the sex of an unborn child by listening to the fetal heartbeat? (A.M., McW.)
Answer:
No. In any case, anybody’s guess is as likely to be right as wrong. About half of all babies are boys or girls.
Ladies, without distinction of sex, would be welcome.
from a handbill for a political demonstration in the early 1900s
My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.
Chuck Nevitt, basketball player at North Carolina State University, as reported in
Sports Illustrated
The Great Synod of 1920 will always be memorable for having at length admitted women to be enrolled in the list of registered vestry men.
the Very Rev. Dr. Ross, speaking about the Tuam Diocesan Synod
I don’t know. They were wearing a paper bag over their head.
Yogi Berra after he had seen a streaker and was asked if the person was male or female
As poet, actress, literary critic and artist, Mrs. Wyatt Cooper, better known as Gloria Vanderbilt, has often been called an up-to-date and very feminine version of the many-faceted Renaissance man.
a
Life
magazine staff writer in the introduction to a series of photos of Gloria Vanderbilt (October 4, 1968)
You should hear her sing. She’s a female Lena Horne.
producer Joe Pasternak
Sexual harassment on the job is not a problem for virtuous women.
Phyllis Schlafly, conservative activist and founder of the Eagle Forum
We’re well aware of the male homosexual problem in this country, which is of course minor, but to our certain knowledge there is not one lesbian in England.
Lord Chamberlain of England to Lillian Hellman during a discussion of the play
The Children’s Hour (
from
Lilly
by Peter Feibleman)
Quite a number of people also describe the German classical author, Shakespeare, as belonging to the English literature, because—quite accidentally
born at Stratford-on-Avon—he was forced by authorities of that country to write in English.
from the
Deutscher Weckruf und Beobachter,
1940
I asked one of the principal actors of the dramatic theater about Shakespeare, and he told me that he is just learning German, so that he may soon be able to read Shakespeare in the original.
from the Soviet literary magazine
Literaturnaya Gazeta,
1940
Shakespeare has not only shown human nature as it is, but as it would be found in situations to which it cannot be exposed.
Samuel Johnson, great eighteenth-century English writer
I never put on a pair of shoes until I’ve worn them five years.
movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn
A tax on leather would press heavily on the barefooted peasantry of Ireland.
Crofton Moore Vandeleur, British statesman
Lead us in a few words of silent prayer.
ex-Houston Oiler and Florida State coach Bill Peterson
Wait a minute! I’m not interested in agriculture. I want the military stuff.
Senator William Scott (R-Va.) during a Pentagon briefing in which army officials began telling him about missile silos
Me and George and Billy are two of a kind.
Mickey Rivers, Texas Rangers outfielder, on his warm relationship with Yankee owner Steinbrenner and manager Billy Martin
They were singing without accompaniment. You know—acapulco.
director Gregory Ratoff, telling of hearing a singing group
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
attributed to Senator S. I. Hayakawa
I usually take a two-hour nap, from one o’clock to four.
Yogi Berra, explaining what he does before night games
The time has come to strip to the waist and tuck up our shirt sleeves.
overheard during political debate
I didn’t inhale.
Bill Clinton, as Democratic presidential candidate, answering rumors that he had smoked marijuana
We appeal down to the fundamental principles which underlie the tossing waves on the surface.
former Archbishop of Canterbury, in speech in House of Lords
Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.
Vice-President Dan Quayle
Space travel is utter bilge.
Sir Richard Woolley, 1950s Astronomer Royal of Britain, predicting the likelihood of space travel
I think space exploration is very important and can yield a lot of knowledge.
contestant for Mr. New Jersey Male, when asked what he would do with a million dollars
Mr. Speaker, if I had said that I would not have been allowed to.
anonymous speaker during British parliamentary debate
I am not going to trouble the House further than to express my unutterable disgust at the way in which I have been treated.
John O’Conner, M.P. in House of Commons, 1907
Ladies and gentlemen, if this coercion measure is passed no man in Ireland will be able to speak upon politics unless he is born deaf and dumb.
Lord Charles Russell, Liberal Member of Parliament, in an 1880 speech
Having a speech writer would definitely be too plastic. I just try to remember six key words before every talk.
Mark Spitz, swimmer and Olympic gold medalist, on whether or not he had people write his speeches for him
Ladies and gentlemen, it is a great pleasure to be with you today. For immediate release only.
New Mexico Senator Joe Montoya, at a dinner speech in Albuquerque. He had rushed in late and read straight from his press release.
Brooks Robinson is not a fast man, but his arms and legs move very quickly.
Curt Gowdy, network sports announcer, on air during the 1971 World Series
Mr. Speaker, this bill is a phony with a capital F.
congressman during a heated congressional debate
This portion of “Women on the Run” is brought to you by Phillips’ Milk of Magnesia.
Harry Von Zell, radio announcer in the 1950s
[It was a] semi-planned spontaneous stop.
Douglas Scamman, 1992 Bush New Hampshire presidential campaign manager, on a staged campaign stop at a farm
Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.
Yogi Berra
Now Juantorena opens his legs—and really shows his class.
David Coleman, broadcaster at the 1976 Montreal Olympics
No manager is ever going to run a tail-end club and be popular because there is no strikeout king that he’s going to go up and shake hands with and they’re going to love you because who’s going to kiss a player when he strikes out and I got a shortstop which I don’t think could have been a success without him. If you mix up the infield, you can’t have teamwork. It’s a strange thing if you look it up that the Milwaukee club in the morning paper lost a doubleheader and they got three of my players on their team and you can think it over.
Casey Stengel, Yankees manager, talking about how he managed
Luis Tiant comes from everywhere except between his legs.
Curt Gowdy, on air discussing pitcher Luis Tiant during the first 1975 World Series game between the Reds and the Red Sox
Anyone who can’t tell the difference between a ball hitting wood and a ball hitting concrete must be blind.
Yogi Berra, while arguing with an umpire’s call. The umpire said the ball had hit a concrete outfield wall and was in play; Berra said the ball hit a wooden barricade behind the wall and was a home run.