8 Mile & Rion (38 page)

Each night, once I’m asleep, he keeps watch outside my door. It’s him doing that that keeps me from losing my shit. He’s still worried even though the threat is gone. I love him for that and am trying really hard to look past the pestering because Loyal was trying in his own way.

That’s why at four a.m. on a rainy Tuesday, I snuck out from my room with two pillows and a blanket to take up residence on the floor next to him outside my room. Quietly, I set the pillows down, wrap myself up in the blanket and hunker down. “What’s wrong?” he asks, coming fully awake. “You have a nightmare? You wanna talk about it? Ain’t nothing gonna happen to you----”

“Nothing’s wrong, I didn’t have a nightmare, but since we’re up I do want to talk about it.”

“Let’s get you back into bed first---” covering his mouth with my hand, I shut him down.

“I’m fine where I am, Loyal. We can talk here. I’ll even go first. How many nights do you plan spending out here in front of the door instead of in there with me?”

“I ain’t tired,” he grumbles. He’s also full of shit too. His eyes are puffy and he hasn’t shaved in days.

“You
are
tired,” I point out. “You’ve asked me a thousand times if I’m okay and I’m being honest when I say that I am. But, how are you? How are you handling all this?”

“You ain’t gotta worry about---”

“I asked you a question and I expect the truth. Let’s start with how you felt when you found out I was gone.”

“I ain’t got no words for that, Rion,” he whispers. “Don’t ask me---“

“How did it make you feel, Loyal?”

“Like my life was over, that I was a failure ‘cause I couldn’t even use my training. Like I was all out of chances.”

“Because you love me?”

“More than breathing,” he says pulling me toward him. “Without you, I got no air.”

“But here I am,” I say, pulling his face down to meet mine. “Stop living in the past and stay in the present with me, please.”

“I’m trying,” he groans. “He hurt you, my brother---”

Careful of my injured arm and shoulder, I straddle his lap and kiss him right on the mouth. “You didn’t get a chance to know him, I did. Even then I would have never pegged him for the crazy type, okay? People do stupid shit. He’s one of them. You found me, saved me and he’s paying for it. I miss
you,
alright? Like I don’t know you’re out here punishing yourself for something you didn’t do? Don’t let him win, Loyal. Come to bed with
me
. Move forward with
me
.”

“We got the same blood. Don’t think I’ve forgotten how I’ve hurt you too. I could hurt you again and not realize it until it was too late, that fucks with me Rion.”

“So this is the alternative? Sitting on the floor knowing I’m on the other side of the door? I could hurt you too, you know. There are all sorts of hurt and they aren’t all physical. The difference between you and him is that he didn’t recognize a problem, he didn’t want help, Loyal. You do.”

“Just let me work through this on my own alright? Fuck. I look at your black eyes, the cuts on your body and that god damn sling on your arm and know that I could have done that!” he yells carefully pushing himself away from me. Standing up he stomps into the kitchen to take his anger out in there. Following him, I lean against the wall and watch as he slowly comes unglued. He needs to purge this guilt from his system and I needed to let him, but I didn’t like where this was going. “A rolling pin,” he says to himself. “He hit you with a god damn rolling pin. He used his fists on you, undressed you. You couldn’t fucking see!” Throwing the plates that had been dried hours earlier crash against the wall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. “You’re covered in bite marks! He carved his name---” before finishing his sentence his knees buckle and he hits the floor with surprising force. Breaking away from the wall, I cover his body with my own as I watch and listen while Loyal tortures himself over things that were out of his control.

Holding him tight, I let him ride it out. I wasn’t a doctor, but I could see he was in panic mode. I even managed to hold my own panic back until he stopped breathing.

‘If you don't deal with your demons, they will deal with you, and it's gonna hurt.’

~Nikki Sixx

Couldn’t breathe.

This right here is why I don’t sleep. I fucking can’t. Every time I close my eyes I remember her tied to that god damn bed, blinded by swollen eyes courtesy of my brother. She was naked, he was on top of her, she was bleeding and screaming because he was hurting her and I hadn’t got there fast enough. I could have spared her the torture but I was too slow.

I failed my woman.

Thing is, I need her to wig out so I can focus on something other than my own shit. But she won’t because you can see she’s dealing with it just fine, only I ain’t. Replaying it my head complete horror washed over me so swift that I couldn’t stop myself from hitting the floor. One second I was standing, the next my cheek was on the tile. Then she was there covering me while I went off the fucking deep end.

Flashbacks assaulted me from every angle. Every horrific moment of my life was on replay with sound
and
color. The images weren’t in order either; they were mixed up with some events blending into others. Clutching my head wouldn’t make it stop, thrashing wouldn’t either. If I couldn’t disengage from this I
would
be a head case and I knew it. It was the images of hurting Rion that were destroying me the most. I wasn’t good for her, in fact I was toxic. Shame over my behavior was sucking me down into a black hole and I couldn’t find my way out.

Fighting for air, I wondered if I held my breath if I could last longer. There wasn’t enough oxygen, there wasn’t--- just as I figured this was it, I felt air filling my lungs. Hot soothing air that had me begging for more of it. Taking deep pulls I’m rewarded with a measure of calm. That’s when the good images of Rion appeared, all of them. Her smile, her laugh, her telling me she loves me and her mouth as she kisses me.

Finally able to open my eyes, I wasn’t startled when our eyes were inches apart. “There you are,” she says with tears running down her face. “You scared me, Loyal.”

“What the hell happened?” I ask. Slowly she backs away only to lie next to me on the floor with her head on my chest. “I think you had a serious panic attack,” she says while running her fingers over me. “You were hyperventilating and stopped breathing.”

“It was you, filling my lungs.”

“Yes.”

Sitting up fast, I move her away from me gently then grab my wallet and keys. “Gotta go,” I tell her walking toward the door. “I’ll be back.”

“Don’t do this,” she begs me, “god dammit, Loyal, don’t walk out on me again. Whatever it is we can get through it!”

“I ain’t walking out,” I tell her. “Got some shit to do, rest until I get---”

“Unbelievable,” she mumbles getting off the floor.

“Rion---”

“You know what? Just go.” Then walking back into her room, she slams the door and it doesn’t go unnoticed that she engaged the lock either.

Debating on what to do only took a moment. Nope, still going. I had something important to do.

She’d get over it, she had to, she loved me.

Three hours, two stops, a phone call, one parking ticket and line of credit later I was headed back home with a plan.

‘All them years I wasted being angry. I can’t even be pissed about it. Not when I get to wake up to your face every morning. If I could do it, I’d write thousands of poems about that face you make just for me.’

~ Loyal

He’s coming back.

I figured if I said this enough it would come true. These stupid pain meds were making me hormonal. Oh bullshit. He’s making me hormonal. He fucking left. I’m still not over it. For an hour I tossed and turned in bed. An hour later, I finally found a button down shirt I could wear and that only took twenty minutes to put on then it was back to brooding. A half hour after that, I grabbed my keys and went across the hall to work. He had shit to do. Yeah well, I had shit to do to!

Now sitting at my desk all I could do was stare at a computer I couldn’t fucking type on! Why couldn’t he have rolling pinned my left arm? Ugh. The voicemails were generic and not worth the effort, the time cards weren’t in because gee wiz, my two enforcers weren’t active and…

“Why ain’t you in bed?” he says, looming from the door. Looking up at him the first feeling was relief followed by pure bitch. A nicer person would be glad he showed and I was, but now my inner bitch wanted out. You can’t reason with her. “Why ain’t you getting your shit done?” I say in a mocking tone.

“I don’t sound like that,” he says, coming around to my desk. Reaching for me he gently pulls me up, bends at the knees and lifts me into his arms.

“Dammit Loyal,” I growl into his chest. “You don’t just walk out after hitting the floor and you certainly don’t---”

Ushering me into the apartment and setting me down on the couch, he props the pillows for me then kneels in between my legs. “Shut up, Rion.”

“You shut up! I wasn’t done.”

“Got you one of them McMuffins everyone around here brags about,” he says, handing me a greasy bag from McDonalds.

Reaching in, I clutched that McMuffin because they really are delicious. Stuffing it in my mouth, I swallow the first bite and my eyes rolled back. “Fis ith deewishus,” I mumble.

“What?”

Pointing at my mouth I repeat myself, “Fis ith deewishus.”

“Yeah okay,” he says, watching me chew. “I need you to stop stuffing your face for a minute and listen.”

Keeping the food in my cheeks, I don’t swallow I just let it sit there. When the drool starts to form because nothing’s happening I ask him, “Wooyal wus wrung?”

“I wanted to ask you to marry me.”

“Fay at aten.”

“I can’t fucking believe I understand you right now,” he says reaching into his pocket.

Wiping the drool from my mouth, then the wet from my eyes, I smile and like a complete idiot food falls out. “Forry.” I mumble.

“Marry me, woman.”

“Ofay.”

“Is that a yes?”

“Fats uh fuf---oh forry,” I try as food flies from my mouth into my lap. Spitting it into the napkin and swallowing what’s left, I look him in his eyes and whisper, “That’s a fuck yes.”

“You done eating?”

“Mhmm,” I whisper, leaning forward.

“Give me your hand first,” he demands. Moving it slowly because of the sling, I watch as he places the band on my finger with the utmost care. “I’m going to make you a damned good husband.”

“I know you will.”

“Your old man would be proud.”

“He would.”

“You gonna give me babies?”

“Can we get hitched first?” I ask, but then his face turns serious and I didn’t know what to do until he spoke.

“I’m so full of love for you I can barely eat.”

“Loyal,” I whisper.

“That didn’t come out right,” he says running his hands over his head.

“It was perfect. Look at me,” I order him. “When I’m with you I feel like I’m protected by an army, not one man. You are that powerful to me. I love you, especially when you say what you’re feeling.”

“Loving you hurts, Rion. It’s a good hurt, I like it.”

“Hey, Loyal?” I ask, crawling down into his lap.

“Yeah?”

“Just because we’re going to be equals doesn’t mean that I won’t toss a grenade at you if it comes down to you or me. I mean, it won’t be coming from a bad place or anything, but being a Marine doesn’t mean I’ll let you win. I have a reputation to uphold.”

“You got a mean streak,” he says, tightening his grip. “You’d have made a helluva a Marine.”

“Naw,” I mumble kissing his neck. “I’m marrying you. One warrior in the family is enough.”

“I’m still your warrior?”

“You’ll always be my warrior.”

This time when he smiled it was the widest smile I have ever seen. It was a heart stopping smile and I was going to get to see it for the rest of my life. If both my arms worked I’d lift them and shout, Hoorah!