92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships (16 page)

That shut her up. Barbara had shown her big winner’s badge by using “The Broken Record” technique, the most effective way to curtail an unwelcome cross-examination.

Technique #35

The Broken Record

Whenever someone persists in questioning you on an

unwelcome subject, simply repeat your original

response. Use precisely the same words in precisely the same tone of voice. Hearing it again usually quiets

them down. If your rude interrogator hangs on like a

leech, your next repetition never fails to flick them off. 03 (093-142B) part three 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 136

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36
How to Talk to a

Celebrity

Suppose you’ve just settled in for dinner at a nice restaurant. You look over at the next table, and who do you see? Is it really he?

Could it possibly be? It’s gotta be a look-alike. No, it isn’t! It really is . . . Woody Allen. (Substitute any celebrity here: your favorite movie star, politician, broadcaster, boss who owns the company that owns the company you work for.) And there the celestial body is in the flesh, sitting not ten feet from you. What should you do?

Nothing! Big shots don’t slobber over stars. Let the luminary enjoy a brief moment of anonymity. If he or she should cast a glance in your direction, give a smile and a nod. Then waft your gaze back to your dining companion. You will be a lot cooler in the eyes of your dinner partner if you take it all in your stride. Now, if you just can’t resist this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to press the flesh of the megastar and tell him or her of your admiration, here’s how to do it with grace. Wait until you or the luminary are leaving the restaurant. After the check has been paid and you will obviously not be taking much of his or her time, you may make your approach. Say something like, “Mr. Allen, I just want to tell you how much pleasure your wonderful films have given me over the years. Thank you so much.”

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Did you pick up the subtlety here? You are not complimenting his work. “After all,” he might well ask himself, “who are you to judge whether I am a great filmmaker or not?” You can only speak from your own perspective. You do this by telling him how much pleasure his work has given you.

If it’s your boss’s boss’s boss’s boss whom the fates have sent to bask in your adulation, do the same. Do not say “Bill” or “Mr. Gates, you really run a great company.”

“Lowly geek,” he thinks, “who are you to judge?” Instead, tell him what an honor it is to work for him. Obviously this is not the moment to detail the intricacies of your improvements on imageediting software for digitizing photographs. Then let your body language express that if Woody or Bill or the other megastar wants to leave it at that, you are happy with the exchange. If, however, the megastar is captivated by you (or has had so much liquid merriment that he or she has decided to mingle with the masses tonight), then all bets are off. You’re on your own. Enjoy! Until you pick up the first body-language sign that they would like to end it. Think of yourself as a ballroom dance student waltzing with your teacher. He leads, you follow. And he tells you when the waltz is over.

Incidentally, if the megastar is with a companion and your conversation goes on for more than a few moments, direct some comments at the companion. If the satellite is in such stellar company, he or she is probably also an accomplished person. Felicia, a friend of mine, is a talented trial lawyer who is married to a local TV-show host. Because Tom is on television, people recognize him wherever they go, and Felicia gets ignored. Felicia tells me how frustrating it is, even for Tom. Whenever they go to a party, people gush all over Tom, and Felicia’s fascinating work hardly ever gets mentioned. She and Tom used to love going out to dinner, but now they hide out at home in the evenings. 03 (093-142B) part three 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 138

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Why? Because they can’t stand the interruptions of overly effervescent fans.

“I Love What You Used to Be

[You Has-Been]”

Another sensitivity: the film star is probably obsessed with his last film, the politician with her last election, a corporate mogul with his last takeover, an author with her last novel—and so forth. So when discussing the star’s, the politician’s, the mogul’s, the author’s, or any VIP’s work, try to keep your comments to current or recent work. Telling Woody Allen how much you loved his 1980 film
Stardust Memories
would not endear you to him. “What about all my wonderful films since?” thinks he. Stick to the present or very recent past if possible.

Technique #36

Big Shots Don’t Slobber

People who are VIPs in their own right don’t slobber

over celebrities. When you are chatting with one, don’t compliment her work, simply say how much pleasure or

insight it’s given you. If you do single out any one of the star’s accomplishments, make sure it’s a recent one, not a memory that’s getting yellow in her scrapbook.

If the queen bee has a drone sitting with her, find a

way to involve him in the conversation.

A final celebrity codicil: Suppose you are fortunate enough to have one at your party. To shine some star light on your party, don’t ask the TV host to “say a few words.” Don’t ask the singer 03 (093-142B) part three 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 139

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to sing a song. What looks effortless to the rest of us because they seem so comfortable performing is work for them. You wouldn’t ask an accountant guest to look over your books. Or a dentist to check out your third left molar. Let the dignitary drink. Let the luminary laugh. Celebrities are people, too, and they like their time off.

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37
How to Make Them

Want to Thank You

To wrap up our section on sounding like the big boys and big girls, here is a simple and gracious little maneuver. It not only signals people you’re a top communicator, but it encourages them to keep doing nice things for you. Or complimenting you. Or doing business with you. Or loving you. It is very short. It is very sweet. It is very simple. You can use it with everyone in your life. When it becomes instinctive, you’ll find yourself using it every day. Very simply, never let the phrase
thank you
stand naked and alone. Always make it thank you for something. People use the bare exposed “thank you” so often that people don’t even hear it anymore. When we buy the morning newspaper, we flash a naked

“thank you” at the vendor when he gives us our nickel’s change. Is that the same “thank you” you want to give a valued customer who makes a big purchase in your store? Or a loved one who cooks you a delicious dinner?

Whenever the occasion warrants more than an unconscious acknowledgment, dress up your “thank you” with the reason: Thank you for coming.

Thank you for being so understanding.

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Thank you for waiting.

Thank you for being such a good customer.

Thank you for being so loving.

Often, when I disembark an airplane, the captain and first officer are standing by the cockpit door to bid the passengers farewell. I say, “Thanks for getting us here.” Admittedly, that’s carrying “Never the Naked Thank You” technique to extremes, but it has a surprising effect. They fall all over themselves with “Oh, thanks for flying with us!”

Technique #37

Never the Naked Thank You

Never let the phrase “thank you” stand alone. From A

to Z, always follow it with for: from “Thank you for

asking” to “Thank you for zipping me up.”

Thank you for reading this section of
How to Talk to Anyone
!

Now let us move on to another conversation challenge, how to talk knowledgeably with everyone—from groups of accountants to Zen Buddhists—no matter how little you might have in common.
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✰PARTFOUR

How to Be an Insider

in Any Crowd

What Are They All Talking About?

Has it ever happened to you? Everyone at the party is speaking gobbledygook. They’re all discussing faulty audits, code constraints, or the library market—and you have no idea what they’re talking about. It’s because everybody at the party is an accountant, an architect, or a publisher—and you’re not. So you stand there with a pasty smile on your face, not opening your mouth. If you do, you fear the wrong thing will come out. Paranoia sets in. Everybody will snicker at you. You’re an outsider. So you suffer in silence. In high school I suffered a massive case of Silent Outsider Syndrome, especially around males. All they wanted to talk about was cars. I knew nothing about cars. The only time I’d ever set foot in a “body shop” was to get a suntan.

Well, one fateful day, Mama came home with a gift for me that transformed my teenage existence from shy to sociable. It was a book on all the current model cars and their differences over and under the hood. One reading, and I became fluent in Fords, Chevys, and Buicks. I no longer hyperventilated when boys said words like
carburetor
,
alternator
,
camshaft
, or
exhaust manifold
. I
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didn’t need to learn a lot, just enough to ask the right questions to get the guys talking. When I’d learned to speak “car” with the boys, it worked wonders for my social life.

Cut to today. We grown-up boys and girls also have our favorite topics that usually involve our work or our hobbies. When we’re with people in our own field or who share our interests, we open up like small-town gossips. (Even engineers who have a constant case of cat-got-their-tongue start gabbing about greasy turbines and various projects when they’re together.) To outsiders, our conversation sounds like gobbledygook. But we know precisely what it’s about. It’s our own jobbeldygook or hobbydygook. You fear you’ll find yourself in a party of squash players when you’re the type of person who’d rather be in court than on court?

Don’t panic hearing words like
lobbing
and
hittingrails
roll off the squash players’ tongues. So what if the only experience you’ve ever had with squash was the mashed acorn variety on your plate next to the turkey last Thanksgiving. All you need is the few techniques that follow.

Just as anglers throw out a dragonfly to get the fish to bite, all you have to do is throw out the right questions to get people to open up. Dale Carnegie’s adage, “show sincere interest and people will talk,” only goes so far. As they say in poker, “it takes jacks or better to open.” And in conversation, it takes cursory knowledge or better about their field to get them to really open up. You must have knowledgeable curiosity, the kind that makes you sound like you’re worth talking to.

In this section, we explore techniques that are “Open Sesames”

to get people gabbing with you like an insider.

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38
How to Be a ModernDay Renaissance Man

or Woman

Whenever friends visit my hometown, New York City, I warn them “Never ask anyone riding in the subway for directions.”

“Because I’ll get mugged?” they fearfully ask.

“No, just because you’ll never get where you’re going!” Most Big Apple subway riders know only two things about the subway: where they get on and where they get off. They know nothing about the rest of the system. Most people are like NYC strap-hangers when it comes to their hobbies and interests. They know their own pastimes, but all the others are like unvisited stations. My unmarried (and wishing she weren’t) friend Rita has a bad case of bowler’s thumb. Every Wednesday night she’s bowling up a storm with her friends. She is forever discussing her scores, her averages, and her high game. Another single and searching friend Walter is into white-water rafting. He talks endlessly with his paddling friends about which rivers he’s run, which outfitters he’s gone with, and which class rapids he prefers. Thinking my two single friends might hit it off, I introduced Walter the paddler to Rita the bowler and mentioned their respective passions.

“Oh you’re a bowler!” said Walter.

“Yes,” Rita smiled demurely, awaiting more questions about her big bowling turn-on. Walter was silent.

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Masking her disappointment, Rita said, “Uh, Leil tells me you’re into water rafting.” Walter smiled proudly, awaiting further friendly interrogation on paddling. “Uh, that must be exciting. Isn’t it dangerous?” was the best Rita could do.

“No, it’s not dangerous,” Walter patronizingly responded to her typical outsider’s question. Then the conversation died. During the deafening silence, I remember thinking, if Rita had run just one river, if Walter had bowled just one game, their lives might be different now. Conversation could have flowed, and who knows what else might have flowered.

Go Fly a Kite!

The “Scramble Therapy” technique is salvation from such disappointing encounters. It will transform you into a modern-day Renaissance man or woman who comfortably can discuss a variety of interests. Scramble Therapy is, quite simply, scrambling up your life and participating in an activity you’d never think of indulging in. Just one out of every four weekends, do something totally out of your pattern. Do you usually play tennis on weekends? This weekend, go hiking. Do you usually go hiking? This weekend, take a tennis lesson. Do you bowl? Leave that to your buddies this time. Instead, go white-water rafting. Oh, you were planning on running some rapids like you do every warm weekend? Forget it, go bowling.