92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships (29 page)

Be Chosen”

When given this unfamiliar and uncomfortable assignment, the participants assume everyone will make a beeline for the most attractive people. It never happens. Something mystical occurs when people take the time to really look at each other. Everyone discovers a distinctive beauty in one or two other people that is very personal, very special, and speaks uniquely to the seeker. The dearest friend in my life was a homely little fellow named Chip. He was only 5 feet 2 inches tall. Chip had a huge nose and funny little eyes peeping out through thick glasses. At a party, without using this technique, I probably would never have noticed Chip. However, my concentration was on him the day we met because he was giving a speech. When I gazed intently into his eyes and watched his lips moving, I saw such subjective beauty coming from his face. He became my best friend for twelve years until a tragic disease took his life. Nevertheless, Chip remained beautiful to me until the end because, no matter how twisted his body became with illness, the beauty shone through his spirit. As the seminar participants explore each other’s faces and movements, they discover the subjective beauty in their faces, in their spirits. No one can explain why one person chooses another as one of his or her special four. Yet practically everyone returns from the break having made a new good friend. Never is anyone left unchosen.

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When you seek people’s special qualities by exploring their faces, you will find them. If you want to walk out of any gathering with your life enhanced, spend time with people you choose, not just those who choose you. Be choosey in who you pick. But don’t wait to be the choosee.

Technique #73

Be the Chooser, Not the Choosee

The lifelong friend, the love of your life, or the business contact who will transform your future may not be at

the party. However, someday, somewhere, he or she will

be. Make every party a rehearsal for the big event.

Do not stand around waiting for the moment when

that special person approaches you. You make it happen

by exploring every face in the room. No more “ships

passing in the night.” Capture whatever or whomever

you want in your life.

“Sure, in a Seminar, It’s Easy, but

What About Real Life?”

Sometimes, after the break, a participant will say, “It was simple to go up to people I wanted to talk to this time because you gave it as an assignment. But what about at a real party?” Recently, one of my participants named Todd asked me this question in front of the group.

I asked, “Todd, how did you make the approach this time?”

“Well, I just went up and said, ‘Hi, I’m Todd. I wanted to talk to you.’ ”

“Well?” I asked.

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It dawned on him that he could use this opening phrase to meet anyone at any party. To smooth a potentially awkward moment, you quickly follow up with an innocuous question like

“How do you know the hostess?” or “Do you live in the area?”

Now, you’re off and running just as though the host had introduced you. Of course, other choosey people will be prowling around the party. Some of them, after scrutinizing you, will decide you are one of the special people they choose to talk to. The following is a subliminal maneuver to make it easy for them come over to confirm they made a wise choice. 08 (265-292) part eight 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 278

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74
How to Subliminally

Lure People to You at

a Gathering

Have you ever noticed how comfortable you feel sauntering into certain rooms? The chairs are arranged in a way that welcomes you as if saying, “Come right on in and sit on me.” Conversely, you enter other rooms where you must navigate a circuitous route around tables and dressers before you finally find a free chair. Likewise, some people arrange
their
body furniture, their arms and legs, to say, “Hey, come right on over and talk to me.” Yet other people’s body furniture shouts, “Keep out! Approach at your own risk.” Shy people inadvertently say “stay away” when they fold their arms. They give off insecure signals by clutching a purse, clasping a drink, or smoking a cigarette.

Controlled studies show that party goers are more comfortable approaching people who stand with an open body, arms uncrossed and hanging at their sides, legs slightly separated, a slight smile on their faces. Any object between you and the crowd is a subliminal cutoff—even your purse. More people approach a woman who sports a shoulder bag than one squeezing a handbag. The shoulder bag hangs behind her back, thus leaving the path to talk to her open.

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Give Them the Ol’ Wrist Flash

Now, here’s the pièce de résistance. Next to your face, your wrists and palms are one of the most expressive parts of your body. Palms up speak volumes of good sentiments.

The Pope’s wrists and palms are up when he beckons “Come unto me my brethren.” The burglar’s wrists and palms are up when he says, “I give up, don’t shoot.” The innocent man’s wrists and palms are up when he’s saying, “I don’t know who took the money.” Vulnerable, open palms signify “I have nothing to hide.”

They also signify acceptance. When you are listening to a business colleague to whom you want to signal acceptance, make sure your wrists and palms are up. Even if you’re resting your head on your chin, turn your wrists forward. Whenever you are chatting with anyone, give yourself a constant hand check. Make sure you don’t point your knuckles directly toward anyone. Let them have the pleasure of seeing the soft, tender “come hither” skin of your wrists and palms, not the wrinkled “go away” hide on your knuckles.

Romance on your mind? Ladies, let your hands do some talking for you. Women instinctively turn their wrists and palms upward when a man excites them. (In fact, the ol’ wrist flash while talking with males subconsciously gives them a sexy jolt.)
Pave a Clear Path for People Who

Find You Special

Frightened little jungle cats crouch behind rocks and logs so no bigger animals will spot them. In the social jungle, shy people do the same. They instinctively seek out corners and sit in seats where they won’t be seen.

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Technique #74

Come-Hither Hands

Be a human magnet, not a human repellent. When

standing at a gathering, arrange your body in an open

position—especially your arms and hands. People

instinctively gravitate toward open palms and wrists

seductively arranged in the “come hither” position.

They shy away from knuckles in the “get lost or I’ll

punch you” position. Use your wrists and palms to say

“I have nothing to hide,” “I accept you and what you’re saying,” or “I find you sexy.”

Whereas lynxes and lions stroll confidently to the center of the jungle clearing, human big cats in the social jungle also stand confidently in a clearing so others can see them. Like a politician, position yourself near a doorway since everyone must pass your way at some point in the evening.

Now we come to a technique all politicians use. In fact, some political pundits have credited the election of both John Kennedy and Bill Clinton to their mastery of the technique I call “Tracking.”

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How to Make ’Em Feel

Like a Movie Star

In the 1940s, movies were different. Before experimental films, cinema verité, and nouvelle vague, they had stories. Americans hopped in their Buicks—a foxtail tied to the radio antenna and baby boots suspended from the rearview mirror—drove to the movie house, and watched a story unfold before them.

Almost invariably, the hero and heroine on the silver screen would meet, fall in love, overcome seemingly impossible obstacles, get married, and (presumably) live happily after. Oh, the stories varied slightly. But there was always a leading man and maybe a leading woman. Then there was the rest of the world. The supporting characters could live or die without much brouhaha. But every minor event in the star’s life was significant.

Well, movies may have changed. Human nature hasn’t. Everyone feels like the star of a 1940s movie. Every trivial event in their lives is momentous. “There’s ME. Then there’s the rest of the world.”

What someone had for breakfast, what shoes he chose to wear, and whether he took time to floss his teeth can be more important to that particular someone than the fall of faraway nations or the rise of global temperatures.

Husbands and wives sometimes share their spouse’s minutiae:
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“What did you have for breakfast, Honey?”

“You didn’t wear
those
shoes, did you?”

“Did you remember to floss?”

To create an interesting intimacy, big winners make a point to remember minute details of important contacts’ lives. They obviously don’t feign interest in what they had for breakfast or whether they flossed or forgot. But to make someone feel like a big star, they remember details their contact does happen to share. Take their lead. If a prospect mentions he had Rice Krispies for breakfast, allude to it later. If, in chatting, your boss tells you she wore uncomfortable shoes to work one day, find a way to refer to it on another. If your client mentions he’s a resolute flosser, compliment him at a later date on his discipline. It hints he or she is a memorable star in the galaxy of people you’ve met. It’s called

“Tracking” their lives. When you track their minutiae, you make them feel like 1940s movie stars and that minor events in their lives are major concerns in yours.

Don’t Leave It to Chance

Politicians make a science out of Tracking. They keep a little black box either on their desk, in their computer, or in their brain of the last concern, enthusiasm, or event discussed with everyone in their life. They keep track of where the people were, what they said, and what they were doing since the last conversation. Then the first words of the next phone call or meeting with that person relates to that information:

“Hello, Joe. How was your trip to Jamaica?”

“Hey Sam, did your kid make the baseball team?”

“Hi, Sally. Have you heard back from your client yet?”

“Nice to hear from you, Bob. It means you survived that Szechuan restaurant you were going to last time we spoke.”

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When you invoke the last major or minor event in anyone’s life, it confirms what they’ve known all along. They’re the most important person in the world.

One of the most powerful forms of tracking is remembering anniversaries of people’s personal achievements. Did your boss get promoted to her present position one year ago today? Did your client go public? How much more memorable than a birthday card to send a one-year congratulations note.

Remembering people’s private passions is another. Several years ago, I wrote regularly for a magazine. My then-editor, Carrie, was obsessed with her new kitten named Cookie. Recently I ran into Carrie at a writer’s conference. In early conversation I said to her, “I guess Cookie’s a full-grown cat by now. How is she?”

Carrie’s astonished smile was my reward.

“Leil,” she squealed, “I can’t believe you remember Cookie. Yes, she’s fine now and . . .” Carrie went on for another ten minutes about Cookie, the now full-grown cat.
Technique #75

Tracking

Like an air-traffic controller, track the tiniest details of your conversation partners’ lives. Refer to them in your conversation like a major news story. It creates a powerful sense of intimacy. When you invoke the last major or minor event in

anyone’s life, it confirms the deep conviction that he or she is an old-style hero around whom the world

revolves. And people love you for recognizing their

stardom.

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A week later I got a call from Carrie asking me if I’d do a big story for her magazine. Did she think of me because I used the Tracking technique and remembered Cookie? Nobody can say, but I have my suspicions. I’ve seen the Tracking technique work on too many people to assume the rewards are coincidental. How do politicians remember so many facts to track about so many people? They use the following technique.

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How to Amaze Them

with What You

Remember About Them

Several years ago, I attended a political fund-raising event in a Midwestern state. One guest intrigued me. Sometimes I’d see him in animated conversation with several people. Other times, he’d be standing alone scribbling something on a card in his hand. Then the next time I’d look up, he’d be chatting it up with someone else. The next minute, he’d be scribbling in his hand again. He repeated this pattern for over an hour. I became as curious as a nosy neighbor. Who was this fellow?

At one point during the evening, I was standing alone by the refreshment table. He came up to me with a big smile, a warm handshake, and introduced himself. “Hi, I’m Joe Smith.” He asked me what I was drinking. I told him white wine and we started discussing preferences. I happened to mention my favorite white was Sancerre. While we talked, I had to bite my tongue to resist asking him what he’d been up to with the feverish note taking. A few minutes later, I spotted a friend across the room and excused myself. He asked for my card and, as I walked away, I peeked over my shoulder. I knew it! There he was, scribbling on my card. That was my opening. I turned back and, trying to pass my inquiry off as a joke, said, “Hey, I didn’t give you my measurements. What’s that you’re writing?”