A Baby in the Bargain (13 page)

“Must have been a hot kiss...”

“Hardly. It was my first—remember? It was awkward and pinch-lipped and the guy still got chased by a crazy old man with a rake.”

“So I guess I have two things to be grateful for...” Gideon said with an amused smile.

“Two things?” Jani parroted.

The strain that had surrounded their conversation about Lakeview seemed to have resolved itself and Gideon used his hold on her hand to pull her toward him as he repositioned himself so that he was facing her.

“That H. J. Camden is nowhere around with a rake, and that somewhere along the way you managed to get in some kissing practice—because you’re not bad at it now...”

“Not bad?”
She pretended to be insulted even though it was clear he was merely teasing her.

“Maybe you need just a little more practice...” he said before he leaned forward, and kissed her.

The strain had definitely been resolved because from the start there was no anger or resentment in that kiss, no aggression. It was calm and tranquil and somehow soothing, as if they were back on familiar and far more desirable terrain.

Gideon’s lips parted, engaging her right from the start, inviting her in, and Jani breathed an involuntary sigh of relief as she let her lips part and kissed him in return. She knew she shouldn’t be so happy to be back in this predicament, that she should count dinner, getting the check to him, and having told H.J.’s side of the story as accomplishment enough for one night, that she should be saying good-night to him and sending him home.

But she liked kissing him so much.

And when his free hand sluiced under her hair to cradle her head, she just raised her own hand to his chest and surrendered. Their mouths opened wider and his tongue began to circle hers as they picked up where they’d left off the previous evening.

Thoughts of anything else drained away then; what took over was something basic and fundamental and purely sensual. She melted toward him, into that kiss, and met his tongue with her own to answer his every tease and temptation, relinquishing herself to being with this man to whom everything in her was drawn.

She massaged and caressed his chest despite the barrier of his sweater, and she reveled in how hard and strong the muscles of his pectorals lurking just beneath it were. Hard and honed—feeling them made her want badly to see them, except that that would have meant breaking their kiss and she wasn’t about to give that up.

He released her other hand and wrapped his arm around her to pull her up against him. Her own arm went naturally around him, closing even more of the distance between them and leaving only the breadth of her hand still resting on his chest to separate them.

Jani became very aware of how taut her nipples had become behind the double shield of her sweater and its folded-over collar. Taut and so, so sensitive hiding there but striving for more.

She slipped her hand from his chest to his back, freeing the way for him to pull her completely up against him as if he knew how much she wanted that.

Her nipples grew harder still, diamond nubs insistently pressing into him as the kiss turned hungry and primal. But there was so much of his sweater and hers between them that it was an agony of obstruction.

Answering the need for even more closeness, Jani arched her spine, pressing her breasts firmly into the expanse of that powerful chest.

It didn’t help ease much of her need but what did bring her hope was when Gideon found the hem of her sweater and slipped his hand under it to her bare back.

She could feel his long fingers, big and warm and strong, splayed out in the very spot where a bra would have fastened had she been wearing one.

She had the fleeting thought that when he realized she wasn’t he might think she’d planned this, but she couldn’t really care as he caressed her naked flesh and made her yearn for the feel of his hands on breasts that were crying for attention.

Their tongues continued to play a game that intensified as the desires rose in Jani. Gideon massaged her back, his head traveling in a slow path to the left of her spine, then to her side, then to the beginning swell of one breast.

He paused there as if waiting to be warned not to go any further, but that was the last thing on Jani’s mind. Instead she gave the go-ahead with a deep breath that expanded her lungs and her chest in invitation for him to finish that trip.

And finish it he did—bringing his hand all the way over her breast and letting her oh-so-tight nipple nestle in his palm.

Never had she been so glad to be braless. And never had anything felt as good. His hand was the perfect fit; Jani’s breast was like molding clay in his expert grip, yielding to his every touch, his every stroke, to the pure artistry he worked there. As he tugged and tickled and sweetly, sweetly tortured her, Jani felt any wisdom, any will to resist or put limits on him drifting away.

And yet even as she began to think of having his mouth where his hand was, of having his hand travel farther still, of making even better use of that long soft sofa, another thought managed to sneak in.

No matter how sublime the moment was—and it
was
sublime—it was only a moment. A moment right now. It wasn’t what she was really about with Gideon. It wasn’t why they were together, and there was no chance that it could lead to more.

And if it couldn’t lead to more, then it couldn’t be anything at all. Not even for a moment.

Much as she wished otherwise, she came halfheartedly to the realization that this couldn’t go on. With a moan of regret, she resisted the urge to let her hands finish the course they’d set to get underneath his sweater and instead placed them both on his chest to push against him.

“We can’t...” she managed to whisper, coming away from the heat of that kiss and dropping her forehead to the spot where his neck turned into his shoulder.

Gideon didn’t say anything but she could feel the fast pounding of his heart beneath her palm that told her stopping this wasn’t any easier for him than it was for her.

But in spite of that, he turned his face to hers, kissed her temple gently, and with one parting pulse of his fingers into the soft flesh of her breast, he let go of her and took his hand away.

For a brief while they sat like that, in silence, Gideon’s arms wrapped around her, holding her.

Then Jani heard him sigh a soft sigh before saying in a raspy-sounding voice, “I better go.”

Because to stay would make it impossible to practice restraint and not to do more than they already had...

He didn’t say it but Jani knew without a doubt that was what he was thinking.

It was what she was thinking.

She only nodded against him, still caught up in wanting to kiss him again, wanting to have his hand back on her naked breasts. In not wanting to lose those arms around her...

“It’s just too good when it’s only you and me...” he confided in a whisper, almost as if he were sorry it was true.

He kissed her temple again and Jani forced herself to sit up straighter, to veer back from him enough for him to stand.

She was slightly late in following suit because she wasn’t too sure her legs were strong enough to hold her. But by the time he was shrugging into his coat she had joined him in the entry, her hands stuffed into the pockets of her pants, her elbows locked, her shoulders tensed nearly to her jawline to keep herself from reaching for him.

In a more businesslike voice that still bore the huskiness of desire, he said, “This week, blueprints and plans should be in a final form for you to see, if you—”

“Okay,” Jani said too eagerly, glad for the chance to see him again because her mind was spinning out of control with wanting him and she couldn’t think of any excuse herself.

“I’ll be in touch...” he said.

Oh, how she hated the lack of certainty or real plans implied by that phrase!

But she only nodded again because what else was she going to do, ask to hire on as his personal assistant so they could spend every day together?

“I’ll call you,” he said.

Another ambiguous phrase that she’d never hated quite as much as she did right then. Right then, when she didn’t want him to leave at all, when—if he did have to go—it would be so much easier if she knew exactly when they’d be together again.

But that wasn’t how it was going to be and there was nothing she could do about it.

Gideon reached out and clasped one hand around the top of her right arm, squeezing tight and pulling her forward just slightly, enough for him to lean in and kiss her again with barely parted lips and a world of heat simmering behind them that she wanted so badly to tap into.

Then he did a second squeeze of her arm, released it, and let himself out her front door while she stayed standing in the middle of the entryway.

Wanting desperately for him to be in touch all right—in touch with every square inch of her....

Chapter Nine

“S
till looking?”

“I am,” Jani answered the nurse who had poked her head into the small room.

“Not to rush you but just to let you know, we close up at five. We’ll probably have patients until a little after that tonight and you’re welcome to stay until we’re finished with them, but it won’t be too much later. And you know this is your first run through of the donor book. You can take some notes and think about it for a while. You don’t have to make a final decision right now.”

“Okay, thanks,” Jani said with a forced smile.

The nurse closed the door and Jani deflated a little.

She’d been at the reproductive endocrinologist’s office since leaving work at two o’clock. It was four-thirty. And yes, she was having some trouble deciding on a donor, which she’d hoped to accomplish today. As soon as she picked one she could start the artificial insemination process.

But she was no closer to making her choice now than when she’d started. And she’d already been through the loose-leaf pages of the three-ring binder twice.

In fact, she didn’t have even one Maybe.

It had taken her until the last profile on the first run-through to realize why that was.

If the donor didn’t have green eyes, she didn’t read any further.

If he wasn’t at least six feet tall with an athlete’s build, she didn’t read any further.

If he didn’t have sandy, golden-brown hair, she didn’t read any further.

If there was a photograph included in the profile—which was the case for some of them—that was all it took for her to turn the page.

Because none of the men pictured looked anything like Gideon. In one way or another, this lack of resemblance was what had caused her to eliminate the rest on her initial search, too.

When that had occurred to her, she’d wondered if she’d lost her mind.

A brief time ago she hadn’t even known this man. He certainly wasn’t a candidate to father her baby now that she did. And the last thing she should be doing was counting out real possibilities because they didn’t measure up to him in some way.

There was no reason whatsoever that Gideon should have any kind of an influence on this process.

After reminding herself of that she’d started at the beginning of the donor notebook a second time, determined that nothing about Gideon would be included in her criteria.

But her determination hadn’t been enough; she’d reached the end of the book a second time without a single possibility.

It was so ridiculous!
she told herself.

She didn’t have any illusions—despite the chemistry between them, Gideon still had a problem with her being a Camden. And while she might not know what was behind it, she did know that he was devoutly against having kids.

No Camdens.

No kids.

That was Gideon Thatcher’s point of view in a nutshell.

And there was no changing another person’s thinking, another person’s long-held habits or desires or beliefs. There was no changing what was at someone’s core.

Wanting them to be different didn’t make them different. She’d learned that with Reggie.

And while she might think it was a shame that someone as good with kids as Gideon was should be adamantly against having any for some reason, she couldn’t force him to any more than she could force Reggie to stop gambling.

So why were thoughts of Gideon interfering with her mission at the doctor’s office today?

It shouldn’t have come as a surprise.

Thoughts of Gideon had interfered with everything else this week.

It was Wednesday and she hadn’t heard from him since he’d left her house on Sunday night. But there hadn’t been a minute since then that he hadn’t been on her mind. There hadn’t been a single phone call she hadn’t hoped was from him. There hadn’t been a single outfit picked without the idea that he might somehow see her in it. There hadn’t been a single night when he wasn’t the only thing she could think about as she lay in her bed, a single night when she hadn’t relived his kisses, closed her eyes and tried to feel his touch, when she hadn’t wanted him so badly she’d ached.

But where was that going to get her? she asked herself, sitting in that windowless room.

It wasn’t going to get her a baby.

And a baby was what she wanted.

In the same way that Reggie’s need to gamble and Gideon’s resentment of the Camdens weren’t going to change, wanting a family wasn’t going to change for her. It was what she’d always wanted. It was something she was willing to go to any ends to have. It was something she couldn’t be happy or fulfilled without.

Which meant that she couldn’t let anything or anyone put it off any longer.

Staring at the donor profile notebook, she was angry with herself for having let that happen today. She hadn’t succeeded in choosing a donor this afternoon, and that was her own fault.

But she vowed that she wasn’t going to let it happen again.

She couldn’t hurry through making such an important choice now, at the end of the day, when she finally had her head straightened out. So she
had
lost today and however many more days it would take before she could get back here and set the wheels in motion. But she would come in again as soon as she could and read the profiles with a fresh eye and a clear head. Without Gideon being a factor in any way.

Because he wasn’t.

He was just a really—
really—
good-looking guy whom she couldn’t help liking and being attracted to regardless of all the obstacles. The insurmountable obstacles.

Whatever was happening with Gideon was just a little glitch that she had to get over.

And she would.

She’d get over that more easily than she would ever get over not having a family.

She wanted a baby, and she was going to have a baby before her time ran out.

And she wasn’t going to let anything or anyone else put that in any more jeopardy than she already had.

The next time she went through that donor notebook she’d look for someone with
her
eye color,
her
hair color,
her
attributes.

Because it was going to be
her
baby!

But somehow when she got up from the table, intent on arranging another time to look through the profiles, Jani also knew that meeting Gideon had cast a shadow over this.

And all she could do was hope that at some point she’d be able to escape that shadow.

* * *

After leaving the doctor’s office, Jani stopped in to see her grandmother. She wanted to discuss her idea for an additional way to compensate Gideon for what H.J. had done long ago—offer the Thatcher Group the opportunity to build all future Camden Superstores.

“From what I understand, the Thatcher Group is more about city planning than building one building at a time, but maybe our stores are large enough projects that Gideon would consider the offer. It would be another way to make things up to him. I know you want us to make as many amends as we can, and I can’t think of anything beyond that—his life seems to be exactly the way he wants it, his business is successful, he has a beautiful place to live. He’s the one member of the Thatcher family who pulled himself out of the ashes H.J. left and there isn’t anyone else to make amends to. Plus, I don’t think he wants to have that much to do with us—he accepted the community center for Franklin Thatcher’s sake and for the sake of Lakeview, but when it comes to himself, I can’t see him wanting a long relationship with us,” she’d concluded, reminding herself at the same time that that was something she needed to keep in mind.

But GiGi wanted to at least provide an opportunity for more so she told her to make the offer of future building projects. If Gideon declined they would count the community center as his compensation, and move on to the next project.

Jani turned down her grandmother’s invitation to dinner and left, feeling even more dejected at the idea that her excuses for seeing Gideon were dwindling.

At home she changed out of her work clothes into a pair of soft pink flannel pajama pants and a cuddly, tight white T-shirt with long sleeves and a scoop neck.

She’d just brushed out her hair, intending to put it into a ponytail, when her doorbell rang.

She wasn’t expecting anyone. Gideon instantly came to mind the way he had been since he’d left here on Sunday night, so she let her hair fall free around her shoulders, called herself an idiot and ran for the front door.

Even with her hopes high, she’d still learned a harsh lesson with Reggie, so she peered through her peephole the minute she reached her door.

And for the first time in three days her hopes weren’t for naught—it was Gideon standing in the glow of her porch light.

Her heart pounded and her spirits skyrocketed even as she told herself to keep her perspective.

But she raced through unlocking all her locks, then opened the door with a grin she just couldn’t suppress.

“Hi,” she said, conveying her surprise in that single word.

“You can tell me to go away and not bother you if you want,” he greeted in return. “But I have pizza.”

“Pizza that smells really good,” Jani countered as if it was the food she was happy to see. “I was just wondering what I was going to have for dinner.”

“I’ve always been known for my impeccable timing,” he joked with a ludicrously suggestive wiggle of one eyebrow.

Jani laughed, stepped back from the doorway and said, “Come in. But as you can see, I’m not dressed for entertaining.” She was, however, glad that the T-shirt had a sort of built-in bra in the form of a second layer of fabric across the bust, because she wasn’t wearing one.

“I’m not dressed for company, either. I worked alone from home today, got a little cabin fever and decided I could use some air so I ordered a pizza for pick-up. Then I hated the thought of going back home to eat it alone and since I wanted to say thanks, I thought I’d see if I could do it with a pie. It’s from Kaos over on South Pearl. Have you had it?”

“I love Kaos!” she said, laughing at how that sounded as she closed the door behind him.

Kaos was an eclectic little place that made delectable thin-crust pizza.

“Fresh tomato sauce, mozzarella that I guess they make there, and everything else that sounded good,” he said, raising the box. “You can take off anything you don’t like.”

“I like everything,” Jani assured him, thinking that what she liked most was him and that it felt much, much too right to be with him again. “I also have a bottle of wine I can contribute—” That she’d bought as her last hurrah, to enjoy before she got pregnant.

“Why don’t you take the pizza to the coffee table while I get the wine, and we’ll really do this casual,” she suggested.

In the kitchen, she quickly opened the wine and gathered glasses and napkins, and was back just as Gideon was taking off his leather jacket.

He was right—he wasn’t dressed up. He was wearing a pair of old jeans that were threadbare in spots and a V-neck sweater with a white crewneck T-shirt showing underneath it.

Jani was glad that she wasn’t the only one in lie-around-the-house clothes but it didn’t change the fact that he looked terrific. And apparently he’d shaved in order to pick up his pizza. He also smelled of a woodsy cologne that made her want to just close her eyes and breathe him in.

But she resisted the urge.

They each sat down on the floor at opposite ends of her oval coffee table, with the pizza box in the center. Then Gideon opened the lid and Jani surveyed the fully loaded pie.

“Yum! I’m starving!”

They each chose slices from their respective sides and bit off the points, judging the pizza fantastic when they’d savored their bites. A little discussion about the wine followed before they settled into just enjoying the meal.

That was when Gideon said, “The
Lakeview Monthly
reporter emailed me his article. Apparently he talked to you yesterday?”

“He did,” Jani said.

“I read what he wrote and wanted to say thanks. You, uh... You really cleared my great-grandfather’s name.”

“I just told the truth,” Jani said between bites.

“More of it than I expected—”

She hadn’t indicted H.J. in any way. Instead, she’d explained that the reason the original redevelopment of Lakeview had fallen through had nothing whatsoever to do with Franklin Thatcher. That it had been a result of an altercation between H.J. and the people H.J. had lined up to do the work.

“You said something about Franklin falling under the wheels of Camden progress,” Gideon continued. “I didn’t think I wanted him to look like a victim but—”

“He was,” Jani said. “He was a victim who unfairly got the blame.”

“Which you are also quoted saying in the article.” Gideon paused a moment to drink his wine and seemed to consider his next words. “I don’t know if this is crazy or weird or what, but I read the things you said, the way you said them, and it so openly set the record straight that it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.”

Jani didn’t take the bite of pizza crust she was about to take and instead stared at him. “It was such a small thing...”

“I can’t explain it. It was just that seeing it in writing, knowing it will be out there—in print, on the internet,
everywhere
... I don’t know. I just think that anyone left who ever associated the name Franklin Thatcher with lies and deceit, really will know now that it’s unfounded. It’s like my great-grandfather finally received his pardon from the governor. And it was a relief to me that I hadn’t expected.”

Gideon raised his wineglass to her in mock toast. “So I wanted to say thanks.”

“None necessary,” Jani said quietly. All the Camden grandchildren agreed with GiGi that some sort of restitution should be made to the people H.J. had wronged, but until that moment Jani hadn’t realized just how important this mission was. Or how gratifying it might be.

But her own gratification wasn’t the point and she thought it better to accept Gideon’s thanks without making a big deal out of it. So she went back to talking about how much she liked the food even though she couldn’t eat any more.