A Beautiful Forever (22 page)

I leave Naomi flicking through a magazine while I go into
the back room and mix her colour before returning to start her transformation.

“Are you happy about going home?” she asks as I pin the top
half of her hair up.

“I’m happy I’m going with Elliot but I kind of wanted to
stay here,” I admit to her.

“It’s very romantic,” she sighs. “Meeting on a plane and
falling in love.” She stares off, smiling dreamily as god only knows what plays
through her mind.

“You read too many romance novels Naomi,” I laugh at her as
I start to paint the bottom half of her hair with her new colour choice.

“Leave me alone,” she pouts. “I like to see people happy;
that's all.”

I smile at her in the mirror briefly before I focus my
attention on applying her colour evenly.

“It must have been some night away though, to make you
change your mind,” she prods, trying to get me to divulge some details. When I
don’t respond, she pushes further. “Did he tell you he loves you?” she asks
biting her lip as she waits for the answer.

“He did,” I admit carefully.

“Was it romantic? Did you say it back?” she gushes.

“Why don’t you tell me what’s going on with you and that guy
from the Salsa club – you’ve seen him a few times haven’t you?” I ask, trying
to steer this conversation in a new direction. I can’t really tell her that he
yelled it at me because I refused to hear it now can I?

“Oh no Paige! You haven’t told him, have you? But you do
love him; I know you do.”

I can’t answer that, I can’t say that in my thoughts let
alone out loud. Knowing it and admitting it are two very different things.

“Paige, why don’t you say it?”

“Because it’s too hard, Naomi, it’s too hard for me to say
it.” I tell her, keeping my eyes low, so she can’t see into them.

“Oh no!” she says again. “Please don’t break his heart
Paige, he’s head over heels for you.”

I freeze at her words before turning away to place the bowl
of dye on the trolley for cleaning. I take an extra few moments with my back
turned away from her, squeezing my eyes shut as I breathe through the emotion
swelling inside of me.

“Why do you think I would?” I ask, focusing my eyes ahead so
she can’t see my face.

“I just have this terrible feeling Paige. You’re not being
honest with him, or yourself. He’s baring his soul to you, and you’re still
holding back on him. Just be good to him ok? You could ruin him forever if
you’re not careful with him. I’ve seen it happen too many times to count
Paige.”

“Where? In your books?” I question her, not appreciating her
reading me so well, it’s like she’s figured out exactly what I’m thinking.

“Paige, I’m not just a bookworm. I do have a life you know,”
she tells me, looking slightly wounded from my words.

“I’m sorry Nomes, I shouldn’t have snapped,” I tell her,
feeling immediately guilty.

A single tear slides from my eye and I wipe it away secretly
as I pretend to brush back my hair. I think of the beauty that’s inside
Elliot’s heart, and I’m riddled with guilt at the thought of being the one to
rob him of that. What if I do ruin him forever? What if he never finds love
again just because I was the one who was too selfish to say no to him. I never
should have let this happen, I should have been strong enough to stay away from
the beginning. I'm a horrible person.

“Agy!” I call out, embracing her where I find her in the
reception area.

“Elliot, I’m so sad today. Why do you have to leave me? Who
am I going to ogle now?” she jokes, hugging me back.

“You’ll find someone; I'm sure,” I laugh offering my arm and
leading her into the gym.

“What would you like to do for our last session?” I ask.

“Fancy taking an old lady out for a coffee?” she asks
hopefully.

“Sure, let me go and grab my wallet, and you’re so far from
being old Agy – don’t put yourself down.” I jog into the staff room and grab my
wallet from my locker, leading Agy out and letting Celsey now that I’m leaving
the gym for an hour in case anyone is looking for me.

“I like that little American girl,” Agy says to me as leave
the reception area and head outside. “She’s always so friendly.”

“I like her too, although she’s going home soon as well,” I
inform her.

“Oh, all the good ones are going. I'll be left with boring
English people again!” she moans, although I know she’s joking.

I take her into the first coffee shop we come to and spend
the best part of an hour having my final chat with my favourite client.

It’s Thursday night and Elliot's, and my going-away  bash is
tonight. His flight leaves tomorrow at 2pm and he’s expecting me to be on it
too. I’ve gone through all the motions. I ordered my ticket. I've packed my
bags, and I’ve quit my job. I figured that we could have a few more days of
happiness before I told him I wasn’t going, but know it’s the night before he
leaves and times running out – I don’t think I can bring myself to do it.

I know; I'm a horrible person. It's so selfish of me, and I
feel awful, but I can’t stand to miss out on one happy moment with him, not
when there are so few left.

“You ready, gorgeous?” he asks me from the door of our room.

“Ready,” I reply, collecting my purse and moving close to
him so I can kiss him. I’m counting them down. I only have a handful left.

I look at all the faces of our flatmates gathered in the
living area waiting for us. I don’t feel like I have really spent that much
time with them as I’ve been firmly attached to Elliot’s side from the moment I
arrived. Only Naomi and Brian remain from the original group I moved in with,
so I kind of feel like we are going through the motions of a going-away party.
There is a new guy staying at the flat now called Adam, he replaced Gavin when
he left, this is the first time he's coming out with all of us. He and Jolene
seem fairly interested in each other, so perhaps they’ll take our room when we
leave. Who knows?

When we arrive at the restaurant, there are a couple of the
other trainers I know from work already waiting as well as Paige’s boss Andrea,
we’ve hired a function room for the evening, so we can all sit, eat, chat and
linger for as long as we do or don’t want to.

I’m worried about Paige; she's acting a little strange
tonight, she’s smiling and saying all the right things but there’s something
about her that isn’t quite right, I’m putting it down to nerves about going
back to Australia, but I’m not entirely sure it isn’t something else.

“You’re not drinking!” Brian admonishes Paige as he places a
new round of drinks on the table. “Come on Paige, it’s a celebration. You're
letting down the team!”

Laughing Paige picks up her drink and takes a small sip, for
Brian’s benefit, although I notice the level of her drink doesn’t alter much at
all.

“Good girl!” Brian calls out, much louder than he needed to.
He already seems half cut, and it’s only nine o’clock.

“Do you want me to drink that for you?” I ask Paige quietly
as I lean towards her ear.

“You might have to. They keep appearing in front of me,” she
smiles, handing me her drink on the sly and replacing her glass with my empty.

I lose count of how many I have. Everyone wants to buy us
both a drink to say good bye, so they just keep coming. Drinking for two was a
bad idea because now, I’m completely off my face, leaning all over Paige as she
laughs at me while we say good-bye to our guests.

“Are you going to be alright? I can drive you if you like,”
Celsey offers as the group waves us off.

“No, no, it’s fine – you go and have fun with everyone else.
I’ll get this guy home. The fresh air and the walk will do him good,” I hear
Paige say, although it’s all starting to sound very far away to me.

“Alright then, well safe trip home you two, and it was nice
to meet you Paige,” Celsey says.

“You too,” Paige smiles.

“good-bye my loves! I’ll miss you so much!” a drunken Naomi
yells leaning all over both of us and causing us to stumble.

“You’ll probably see us in the morning Naomi. The plane
isn’t until the afternoon,” Paige laughs, trying to keep us all upright.

“Everybody! We’re leaving, thank you so much for coming.
We’re both really thankful for such a great send off, and we’ll miss you all,”
I call out, slurring slightly but still not drunk enough to forget my manners.
My mother really did teach me well.   

We burst out of the door to the restaurant as a noisy group,
still calling out our good-byes as Paige steadies me on the short walk back to
the flat.

“You didn’t have to drink all of my drinks you know,” Paige
laughs again. She’s really happy now, maybe I was wrong before and there’s
nothing going on with her.

“I told you, I’ll do anything for you Paige – even get
rolling drunk so people don’t sulk when you won’t drink with them,” I slur as
we make it to the front door of our building, and I force my feet to climb the
stairs.

God, he’s so heavy. I feel like I’m getting drunk just from
the fumes coming off him. I somehow get him over to the bed and start to drag
his shoes off. He sits up as I’m trying to take his belt off, and pulls me
towards him, kissing me passionately in a clumsy drunken way, his mouth tastes
sweet from all the bourbon he’s been plied with tonight.

Breaking away, I lean up on his chest and look down at him,
trying to keep my hair out of his face. He lifts his hands and starts to
clumsily twirl my curls around his fingers, pulling at it so it hurts a little.

“You are so drunk,” I point out laughing.

His words come out all slurred as he speaks, “I love you so
fucking much Paige,” he says with as much feeling as he can muster.

My heart jumps a little from his drunken outburst, he hasn’t
said it again since he yelled it at me last weekend. “I know you do Elliot.”

He shakes his head vigorously, “Noooo, you don’t know, I
haven’t said it properly,” he grabs my face with both his hands and looks me
dead in the eye, suddenly sounding very sober. “I love you Paige Larsen. I
think I have I loved you since before I even met you.”

I smile down at him, tears emerging from my eyes because I
know it’s time to end this.

“Are you crying? No, don’t cry, you’re always so sad. But
whenever you smile, I feel like I won something amazing,” he breathes, using
his hands to emphasise the last word.

“Elliot, you are so smashed right now. You need to sleep,” I
tell him through my tears, smiling at his openness and doubting that he’ll even
remember this conversation in the morning.

“Alright,” he says, closing his eyes. “But you have to stay
right next to me.”

I nod my head and lay down beside him, resting my head on
his chest and hugging him tightly, breathing in his scent and listening to the
sounds of his life through his chest. I want to savour our last moments
together so I can hold them in my heart and think of him always.

When I’m sure he is asleep I whisper, “I love you too.”
Tears roll down my face as I sit up and touch his sleeping face tenderly. It’s
time to tell him everything. I’ve been too chicken shit before now, but I can’t
let him get deeper in than he already is.

I rise off the bed and walk out of our room, closing the
door quietly behind me. Taking a piece of paper from the printer, I grab a pen
and start to write the words I’ve been too afraid say.

When I’m done, I fold the paper, put it in an envelope with
Elliot’s name on it and tuck it inside his wallet, placing his phone on top.
Then, I leave.

Moving my tongue around my mouth to try to distribute some
sort of moisture, I open my eyes, acutely aware of the fact that Paige is no
longer on the bed with me. Swinging my legs on to the floor, I wince as the
pain in my head hits me. I don’t think I have ever drunk so much alcohol in my
life. This is horrible. It’s going to make the flight home intolerable.

I shuffle out to the kitchen and grab some ibuprofen and a
large glass of water, downing it as fast as I can.

Leaning on the edge of the sink, I wait, hoping the water is
going to stay down. The moment I’m safe I start to move again, looking for
signs of Paige’s whereabouts. Instead, I notice my phone and wallet on the
shelf with some paper sticking out of it.

Dread fills my already queasy stomach as I walk over and
take it out. It’s an envelope with my name on it in Paige’s handwriting. I move
to the table and take a seat before opening it. Actually, I’m just sitting here
staring at it. I don’t want to know what’s inside.

Letting out a huge steadying breath, I slide my thumb under
the seal and tear it open. Forcing my eyes to start reading.

My dear, beautiful Elliot,

I am so sorry that I didn’t have the courage to stick
around and go back to Australia with you. I never actually said it to you
Elliot, but you need to know that I love you too. I love you so much that I
selfishly let you love me back, knowing that I was always going to drive you
away.

I have tried so hard to tell you everything Elliot, but
every time I open my mouth the words just won’t come out. I can’t bring myself
to witness the love leave your face when you find out what I’ve done.

I’m chicken shit Elliot, for doing it this way, and I’m
sorry. Just know that I love you and try to remember that for a short time, you
loved me too. Please keep that in your heart when you look at the pictures of
our time together, I know that I will.

I’ve already told you about my home life and how I was
kicked out at 15, but it's after that, that my life became an unforgivable
disaster.

I didn’t have anywhere to live. Once that $200 was gone,
that was it - I had no job, no money, nothing. I couch hopped at friend’s
houses, for as long as I could but eventually their mothers started to realise
something was up, so I was forced to move on.