A Beautiful Mess (7 page)

I borrowed one of Jade’s beach bags and put in a towel, sun screen, my Kindle, and a t-shirt. I thought about wearing the t-shirt but I opted against it. Grabbing some sunglasses, I walked out into the kitchen. Jason’s back was to me and he was talking to himself. I couldn’t really hear much of what he had to say. After packing up the cooler he turned around and his jaw dropped to the floor.

Okay, not really, but it was pretty damn close.

I inwardly smiled and gave myself a pat on the back but on the outside I blushed like crazy. He was staring at me like he wanted to rip my clothes off but after a second he shook his head and said, “I better go get changed and then we can go to the beach.”

In this tiny voice I squeaked, “Okay,” and then proceeded to wait for him.

Jason didn’t take any time at all and I almost lost my shit when he walked back into the kitchen with swim trunks on and nothing else. Well, except for the flip flops on his feet and towel draped over his shoulder. I started from his feet and slowly worked my way up his incredible physique.
Who knew that a guy’s feet could be so sexy? Neither did I.

His stomach was, well, I have no words for it. He didn’t
just
have a six pack, it was
wow my panties are soaked
. By the time I made it up to his face he was biting his lower lip and then I looked into his eyes and he winked at me. “Come on Ash, let’s go.” I quickly grabbed my bag and Jason grabbed the cooler and we started to make our way down to the beach.

Thankfully there weren’t that many people out so we had our alone time. I was both thankful and nervous because I didn’t know how to act. We were going into a completely different territory and I didn’t want to mess it up.

We walked a little bit and then settled down. Jason laid his towel out and then plopped down and started going through the cooler. I placed my bag down and took a deep breath. Getting my towel out I laid it next to Jason’s and then quickly unbuttoned and pulled down my jean shorts. I had bent over and when I stood up I noticed that Jason had a sandwich halfway to his mouth but he was staring at me. His pupils were dilated and he was breathing really heavily. In turn I bit my lower lip and then Jason focused on that lower lip.

I giggled and said, “Is that sandwich good?”

Jason blinked a few times and then said, “I don’t know. You want a bite?”

God, yes, I want a bite! I want to suck, lick, and nip! Fuck, I need to go into the cold, salty ocean water and cool down a bit! Ok salty is not helping one bit ASHLYNN PAISLEY MILLER!

I’m not exactly sure who I surprised more; myself or Jason when I nodded my head and leaned in to take a bite of his sandwich. I never took my eyes off his the entire time. I heard him take a deep breath and, just because I could, I moaned and said, “Best sandwich I’ve ever had.”

I had just swallowed the bite when Jason dropped the sandwich and grabbed my face and kissed me. It took me a second but I moaned when he licked my lower lip and asked for entrance. I wrapped my arms around him and moved my head a little so we could deepen the kiss. The second our tongues touched I heard him moan, but just as quickly as he kissed me he leaned back and said, “I’m going to go swim.” And just like that he was up and walking towards the ocean.

I was stunned and couldn’t believe that the same thing happened again, but this time I was beyond pissed. I was enraged.

His feet were just touching the ocean water when I ran up to him and spun him around. He looked at me and I could see that he thought I was going to slap him again but I pushed him. “Don’t you dare, Jason Williams! You can’t play these Jedi mind trick games with me. One second you’re pushing me away and the next you’re attacking me with kisses.” I just started to tear up and lowered my head. Whispering I said, “Please tell me you feel something too because this just isn’t fair.”

Jason placed a finger underneath my chin and lifted it so we were looking at one another. He looked like he was going to cry or scream or something. The reason I knew was because I felt the same exact way. I knew that my face mirrored his with the sad puppy dog eyes, the tears welling up and the biting of the bottom lip while the chin quivered.

Allowing his head to drop to the sand below us he let out a deep breath. Lifting his head he leaned in and lightly kissed me on the lips. Pulling away against my lips he said, “I want this Ashlynn but I just can’t. You are too important to me and I don’t want to mess this up. I’m sorry.”

Pushing him I yelled, “What can’t you do Jason?” Looking out around us I said, “Why the hell did you bring me here then? You can’t just play with people’s emotions like this. It’s not right!”

Trying to catch my breath I shook my head. Turning around I walked back to my beach towel and plopped down. I thought staying in Florida would be different for us but it wasn’t. I thought he would whisk me away to this beautiful place and we would have a beautiful time. Instead, it had turned into a tornado disaster of a mess. I kind of wish we had just went back home because I couldn’t deal with whatever this was between Jason and I for much longer.

I was drowning in my sorrows and feeling sorry for myself when I saw some feet stop in front of me as I played with the sand. I heard Jason say, “Get up Ashlynn.”

Looking up at him with his hands on his hips, looking so damn beautiful I wanted to burst into tears, because I knew this was going to end before it even had the chance to begin.

Just fuck me right now!
Seeing Ash in that gorgeous pink bikini was wow! As soon as I saw her and the way her tits were just begging for attention my dick was up front and center. I’m surprised she didn’t say anything about my hard-on. At first I didn’t think I could walk down to the beach because I felt like I needed to go back in the bathroom for a second or two, literally. I was as hard as cement.
Fuck!
That pales in comparison to how fucking hard I was.

I knew I couldn’t let her out of my sight so I started to think about anything gross. Kids who pick their nose and eat the boogers. Dogs that lick their own assholes. Old men scratching their hairy, wrinkly balls.
Good boy Hardy you’re down!

I knew this whole thing was going to be a complete mess no matter what but I could give my balls for how little I cared. I was a selfish prick and I was tired of hiding away my feelings for Ash. It’s like I’m Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. On one side I’m trying to save her from a huge mess she doesn’t need to be in. But the other side, the more dominant side at the moment, doesn’t give a rat’s ass because I’m too selfish and I just want Ash. The sickest part about it is that I’m so selfish I wonder sometimes if she could actually help me deal with everything going on in my life.

I feel like I’m suffocating and Ash is my oxygen. Not to be a complete girl in these next few seconds but she’s the light in my darkness. The cookie to my cream. The baseball to my bat. She’s … my everything.

Just so we’re clear I don’t care if you just judged me right then and there. Because a real man can wear pink. He can watch The Notebook and find Ryan Gosling attractive as all hell. He can scream at the television and cry when The Biggest Loser Winner is announced between sobs saying, “Yeah you did!” I’m not saying I do that, but ok you caught me. And heads up! If you tell anybody I will not be your book boyfriend. Just so we’re clear on all counts.

As soon as we found where we would be sitting at the beach I plopped down and started rummaging through the cooler. I needed to stick a sandwich in my mouth before I yanked off Ash’s bikini top and sucked on her sweet, round nipple. I was just about to stick the sandwich in my mouth when motherfucking shit! Ash was shimmying out of her jean shorts and her tits were bouncing up and down.
Of course Hardy had to come back!

My jaw dropped and I’m really positive that some drool was on the side of my mouth. She must have noticed the drool or something because she giggled and said, “Is that sandwich good?”

I knew she wouldn’t so I said, “I don’t know. You want a bite?”

Ash had just sat down when I finished asking her the question and I could feel my heart beating out of its chest. I thought for sure she’d slap me on the arm and say something along the lines of, “Oh my God Jason,” or, “Ha ha very funny.” But she nodded her head and grabbed a hold of my wrist. Without taking her eyes off me she took a bite of my sandwich.
Shit pearls, she moaned.

I couldn’t form simple words because all of my blood had rushed to my cock but I was gentlemanly enough to let her swallow her bite and then I just lost my shit completely. I grabbed her face and kissed the living fuck out of her. I was about to just take her right then and there but then everything came crashing down on me and said, “I’m going to go swim.”

I wanted to cut my own dick off for doing that to her again. It’s like as soon as I feel happy I know she’ll be miserable. I was just about to touch the water when Ash spun me around. I knew she was pissed because you could practically see the smoke coming from her ears and the way she was puffing out her breaths. I started to prepare myself for the smack across the face that I knew was coming but she pushed me instead. Poking a finger in the middle of my chest she said, “Don’t you dare Jason Williams! You can’t play these Jedi mind trick games with me. One second you’re pushing me away and the next you’re attacking me with kisses.”

I wanted to grab her in my arms and take away all of the pain I knew I was causing her but then I heard her whisper, “Please tell me you feel something too because this just isn’t fair.”

Taking a deep breath I put a finger underneath her chin and lightly kissed her on the lips and said, “I want this Ashlynn but I just can’t. You are too important to me and I don’t want to mess this up. I’m sorry.” The words stung like a complete bitch but they had to be said. I had finally made my choice. I had finally ripped off the bandage.

I needed her to know that we could never be anything besides friends. That’s why I had brought her here. I’m not sure if I needed it more for me or for her. But why then did I feel like there was a pit in my stomach that something just wasn’t right? When you rip off the bandage it hurts but you feel like you accomplished something. However, with this matter I think I just made a bigger mess than before and I knew in that moment what I wanted.

Ash had just sunk down on her beach towel looking so forlorn and I knew that the decision I was going to make would change everything. She was pushing the sand around in between her fingers and toes when I stopped in front of her and said, “Get up Ashlynn.” She looked up at me and I knew she was going to cry but on wobbly legs she stood up. She was getting ready to open her mouth when I hoisted her up on my shoulders and walked her back to the beach house.
Cave man style.

She was smacking my back and saying, “Put me down Jason. Put me down,” but little did she know that I was never going to let go of her. I was never going to put her down, but she had to know. I had to tell her.

Making my way into the beach house with Ash on my shoulders I dropped her on the sofa in the living room and started pacing back and forth. I knew I needed to tell her. She deserved this but I just didn’t know how to go about it.

She was getting ready to say something when I placed a finger to her lips and said, “I need to tell you something Ashlynn.” With my finger still on her luscious lips she nodded her head. Without thinking I kissed her because I wasn’t sure if it would be the last or one of many but the way she was looking at me gave me the courage to finally speak up.

“Jade’s and my childhood was pretty fucked up. Dad was always belittling me and pushing me to work extremely hard. Even when I did succeed in something he would put me down and degrade me. I kind of learned to look past the verbal abuse because he didn’t matter to me all that much. But the physical abuse was a completely different story.”

I heard Ash gasp and she was about to say something when I shushed her and said, “He’s a drunk but he’s one of the top attorneys in the country so he got away with a lot of bullshit. When we were little there were little shoves here or there but as we got older the physical abuse got a hell of a lot worse. Jade had missed curfew once. I think we were in middle school and he was about to kick her in the side when I pushed her out of the way to protect her. Needless to say, I wasn’t able to go to baseball practice for a week but he never hit Jade again.

The sick bastard knew how to hit me without showing physical evidence where it would be visible. It was all along my chest or legs or ribs. I stopped counting how many times I was in the hospital for chipped teeth, cracked ribs, and broken bones.”

I took a breather because this was really hard for me to say. I had never told anyone this before and neither had Jade. We were both ashamed and we knew no one would ever believe us. Top Defense Attorney vs. two teenagers. Hands down no competition. I also knew that it was a lot for Ashlynn to take in.

I wanted to look up at her but I didn’t know what emotion would cross her face then I heard her whisper, “Where was your mom?”

I looked up at her face and saw tears streaming down. As much as I wanted to wipe them away I had to keep going on in my explanation. “I don’t know. Probably passed out somewhere because of too many cocktails. The spa or lunches with the ladies. Working on the board. Doesn’t really matter because she wouldn’t have done anything either way.

Not only was my dad physically and verbally abusive with his children but he cheated on his wife and had numerous affairs. I wouldn’t be surprised if Jade and I had brothers and sisters out there somewhere.”

Pausing, I sucked in a breath before I looked up into Ash’s eyes and said, “That’s why we can’t be together Ashlynn. My life has been a mess and I don’t want to end up like my dad. Beating up his children. Cheating on his wife. You don’t deserve that. So there you have it. My sob story. My reason for pushing you away.”

She walked over to me and sat down beside me. “I don’t understand why you’re pushing me away, Jason. You’re kind and funny. You’re smart. You’re beautiful.”