A Clean Break (Gay Amish Romance Book 2) (21 page)

“It suits you,” David said.

Isaac turned to look at him. “What?” He was still smiling.

“All of this. Being here in San Francisco. Living the English way. The ocean.”

A man and woman walking in the other direction neared, and for a moment David held his breath, waiting for them to sneer and whisper. But the couple only smiled when they noticed David’s attention, and the man called out, “Beautiful day isn’t it?”

Squeezing Isaac’s fingers between his own, David nodded, exhaling.

Isaac bumped their shoulders together. He pecked David’s cheek and laughed delightedly. “I love doing that where everyone can see. It still doesn’t seem real.”

“I wonder how long it’ll take.” Although David hoped he’d never take it for granted. 

Isaac gazed out as they strolled. “That water goes all the way to the other side of the
world
. I can’t believe we’re really here. Sometimes I expect Deacon Stoltzfus to pound on the door and list off all the ways I’ve broken the Ordnung.”

At the thought of the deacon, David shuddered. “He would look at me sometimes with such hate. Not that I blame him after what Joshua did. He lost his daughter because of my brother.”

“It’s no reason to blame you. Joshua made mistakes, but Martha and Rachel chose to do the drugs. It was an accident that they drowned. Besides, isn’t it all God’s will? The deacon can’t pick and choose which things are and which aren’t.”

David smiled ruefully. “Sure he can. As long as everyone falls into line and does as they’re told.”

They walked in silence for a minute, watching a boat cruise by toward the bridge, its white sails billowing. It was Isaac’s birthday in July, and David wondered how much it cost to go for a boat ride. The ferry to Alcatraz had been exciting, and he could imagine how glorious it would feel to really ride the waves.

“After the buggy accident you said God was punishing you for what we did. For us.”

David jerked out of his fantasy. “Uh-huh.”

Isaac stopped and peered at him closely. “I always knew what we were doing was wrong, but I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t want to even try. But here in the world, so many people think it’s okay. Even ones who used to think it was a sin. Do you still think it’s wrong?”

David floundered at the unexpected question as though he’d been dropped into the waves. Looking into Isaac’s amber eyes, the freckles across his nose, and his beautiful mouth that David wanted to kiss forever—how could he possibly say yes? Yet deep in the shadows, the seed of doubt still lurked.

He dropped his shoes in the sand and caressed Isaac’s cheek. “I want to believe it isn’t. That we’re the way God made us, and this is right. From the moment we kissed that night outside June’s, it’s felt that way, even when I told myself it was wrong.”

“You said once it didn’t make sense that all the changes God made in the world before the eighteen hundreds were okay, and those after are vain and sinful. So if the Amish are wrong about that, why can’t they be wrong about this too?”

David ran his thumb across Isaac’s bottom lip. “Good question.”

“I thought so.” Isaac smiled softly. “Besides, I’d never want to be in heaven without you.”

Their lips met, right there on the beach in the middle of the day, with the sun so warm on David’s skin. Isaac explored with his tongue, his little breaths as they kissed going to David’s head like wine. The sand squeezed between his toes, and Isaac leaned into him.

“We should come see the ocean more often.” David rubbed their noses together.

“I’d like that.”

David scooped up his shoes, and they ambled on. “We still need to take you on a train.”

Isaac grinned, swinging their clasped hands. “Yes. I went on the BART, which wasn’t quite the same as a real train that goes across the country. But it was really fun.”

“When did you do that?” David couldn’t help the disappointment that they hadn’t shared the experience.

“After class one day. Chris took me.”

Now a sharp sliver of jealousy burrowed home, even though David knew it was foolish. Isaac was learning so much more about the city, and he already felt like he couldn’t catch up. “Your new friends have shown you a lot of things.”

“They’re so nice. They didn’t even care—that we’re…you know. Gay.” He laughed. “I wonder how long it’ll take before it’s easy to say that. Anyway, Lola thinks you work way too much.”

David tensed.
And what does Lola know?
“I have to. You know we need money. I can’t keep taking from Aaron and Jen.” Besides, in his workshop he didn’t need to ask endless questions about the simplest things. He understood exactly what he was doing. “It’s fine for you to go to school and hardly work, but I don’t have the luxury.”

Isaac frowned as he dropped David’s hand, along with his sneakers. “Aaron and Jen told us we can stay as long as we want without paying rent, and you said you wanted me to go to school. You thought it was a good idea.”

“It is. I just don’t like being criticized by some girl who doesn’t even know me.”

“Lola didn’t mean anything bad. She wants to meet you, but you’re always too busy. I asked you last week to come out to the museum, and you wouldn’t. And the aquarium the week before.”

David huffed and dropped his shoes too. “Because I had a table to finish for Clark, remember?”

Isaac gritted his teeth. “I remember. But an hour or two off wouldn’t kill you.”

“What do you think I’m doing right now?” David waved his arm around. “Here we are at the beach when I should be working.”

“If you didn’t want to come you shouldn’t have.” Isaac crossed his arms.

“I
did
want to come, but—”

“But if you’re going to complain the whole time, what’s the point?”

“I’m not! How was I complaining? I wanted to come, but that doesn’t change the fact that I have work to do.” David pressed his lips together. Minutes ago he’d been blissful, and now he and Isaac were practically shouting. “Just because you’re not very interested in carpentry anymore doesn’t mean I’m not.” The words barreled out before he could stop them.

Isaac’s nostrils flared. “Just because I want to go to school doesn’t mean I’m not interested in carpentry. In Zebulon it was the only thing I could do, and here—”

“If you hated it so much—”

“I never said that! I didn’t hate it. I
don’t
hate it. I love working with wood, and you know that. I love working with
you
. But there’s a whole world out here. A whole ocean!” He spun around to face the waves.

David closed his eyes and rubbed his face, trying to find his footing. Isaac was right—he was being unfair. “I’m sorry.”

Isaac stared at the horizon. “I’m sorry too.”

They stood in silence, watching the ebb and flow of the tide.

“I want to swim in the ocean, David.”

“You will.” David peered around. “We can come back in the summer. See that ledge up there? We can have a picnic. Do you think—” He turned back to see that Isaac was halfway to the water, dropping his clothes behind him as he went. David’s stomach plummeted. “Isaac!”

If Isaac responded, it was lost in the crash of the waves. David’s feet sank in the sand as he ran, and he pushed desperately. As he reached the shore an icy wave soaked him to the knees with the punch of a horse’s kick. He gasped. Isaac was already diving under, and he vanished as the water rushed over him.

For two heartbeats Isaac was simply gone. David thought of Joshua, and a scream clawed at his throat. Then the tide drew back, and Isaac popped up, sputtering. He splashed toward David, wearing only his plaid boxer shorts, which stuck to him limply.

“Are you crazy?” David hauled Isaac against him and propelled him back to the beach. Sand caked their wet feet, and Isaac stumbled. David wrapped him in his arms, rubbing his freezing skin.

“It’s c—cold.” Isaac shivered.

“Of course it is!” He crushed Isaac against him.

“Y—you’ll get wet too.”

“I don’t care.” David yanked his hoodie from around his waist and ran it over Isaac’s soaked hair vigorously. They were garnering stares now from the few people walking nearby, but he ignored them. “What were you thinking?”

Quivering, Isaac half smiled, his teeth chattering. “I don’t know. I wanted to finally s—swim in the ocean after all these years. I didn’t want to wait. What if something happens and this was my only chance?”

Gripping him, David could barely restrain himself from shouting. “Nothing’s going to happen to you!”

With a trembling hand, Isaac brushed David’s cheek. “Mother and Father may think I’m going t—to hell, but they can’t stop me from living. They can’t stop us, David. They’re wrong. They’re
wrong
.”

“Of course they’re wrong.” David cursed himself. He should have known the letter from home wouldn’t be so easy to shake off. His pulse was still flying, and he ran his hands over Isaac’s arms and back, reassuring himself that Isaac was still whole and breathing. “You scared me.”

Face creasing, Isaac shook his head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s not like you to do something without thinking.” David wrapped the hoodie around Isaac’s shoulders, grateful the sun was still out. The icy shock of the water had evaporated his earlier anger, and he was left bewildered and worried.

“Yes it is. Just like when you kissed me for the first time. I dove right in.” He splayed his shaking hands over David’s chest. “I
love
carpentry. But there’s so much out here in the world. Schools, and jobs, and oceans. I want to find out what else I love.”

David swallowed hard. “I just want you to stay safe. Don’t go too far from shore.”
Don’t leave me behind
.

“Oh, my David.” Isaac kissed him softly with salty wet lips. “I won’t. I promise.”

He examined Isaac’s face. Water still clung to his eyelashes, and his smile was wobbly. David took a breath, but couldn’t seem to make a sound.

“You don’t ever have to be afraid of that. Besides, you’re here to bring me back.” Isaac huddled close. “I want to discover the world, but I want to do it with you. Always you. Yes?”

David breathed deeply as his heart slowed, and the tension faded. Isaac was safe, and everything would be all right. Nothing else mattered. He rubbed warmth back into Isaac’s skin, closing his eyes against the glare of the sun on the waves.

“Yes.”

His hair damp with sweat, David woke gasping. Isaac stirred beside him, and he froze in place with his heart racing until Isaac settled.

After the dip in the ocean, Isaac had skipped his study group, and they’d curled up on the couch under a thick velvety blanket and lost themselves in a movie. It had been a good night, but it seemed a distant memory now.

David squinted at the electronic numbers glowing red on the table.

2:14

The nightmare was still vivid in his mind. Blood soaking the snow as always, but this time he heard poor old Nessie’s screams along with his mother’s as they both lay broken on the road. His sisters were there, and he tried to reach them, but they were in the snowbanks, out of his grasp.

Then he’d been at Baker Beach, his feet stuck in the sand as though it was cement. He gestured with his arms and shouted, but Isaac still ran into the waves. When he vanished under the surface he never came up, and David couldn’t save him. Then they’d been back in the bloody snow, and Isaac’s body was bloated and sodden just like Joshua’s.

They’d left the blinds a bit open, and David could see Isaac’s face clearly, his lips parted in peaceful sleep. David’s chest heaved as he watched Isaac breathe for a full minute before he could convince himself that he was all right. He desperately wanted to pull him close again, but it would be selfish to wake him.

David wasn’t sure if it was the moon or streetlights that streamed in, but he was thankful it was bright enough to go to the dresser and fish out a pair of boxers before creeping downstairs. For all he knew, Jen could get paged in the middle of the night, and it wouldn’t be right to be wandering her home naked.

The white light from outside cast the downstairs in a pale glow, and he shuffled silently from room to room, the gleaming wood hardly even creaking beneath his feet. He had to clear his head and fully wake so he wouldn’t return to the same terrible dreams. Yet as the minutes ticked by, the nightmare images refused to fade, and more thoughts tumbled into his mind.

Mother in her wheelchair with the heavy cast on her leg, not able to care for herself yet. Mary and her broken heart. Sarah and the little ones wondering where their brother had vanished to. Anna with his dark secrets brewing inside her, bubbling to the surface.

Isaac drowning because David couldn’t keep him safe.

The helplessness and guilt burned through him like a match set to a hayloft. Suddenly the walls of the dining room tilted, and he braced his hand on the table as his muscles seized and his head spun. He swiped desperately at pinpricks on his face, and there was a crushing weight in his lungs.

He cried out—nothing more than a strangled moan—as cold sweat gathered over his body, his heart hammering so hard he thought his chest would break. His vision went fuzzy and black, and he cracked his knees on the floor as he crashed down.