A Cowboy for Christmas (21 page)

“Not even,” she echoed.

He nodded. Somewhere a horse nickered along with the sound of trailer doors clanking closed and cowboys in muted conversation.

Gone. This was it. Their time together. Gone forever. It had blown by so fast.

She whimpered. No. Not more loss.

Rafferty gathered her to him and kissed her for a good long time—at least a solid minute without stopping to take a breath. She unzipped his jacket, slipped her hands up underneath his shirt. His skin was so warm. He wrapped the edges of his down jacket around her, pulled her as close as two people could get with clothes on. They huddled together enveloped in the down cocoon.

His supple mouth went back to hers. He tasted so good. Like Christmas. Too bad Christmas came and went so quickly. She felt drugged, dizzy with the flavor of him, like a kid jacked up on a sugar cookie high.

This had to stop. It was torture dragging out a long good-bye. “Rafferty—”

He cut off the rest of her words with his lips. She sagged into him. His hands rose to thread through her hair, holding her in place while he kissed her thoroughly, letting his mouth carry his feelings.

They delved into each other, sending messages through their nerve endings, a physical love letter. Communication empty of words, yet deeper, richer because of it.

Finally, they both parted at the same time, in mutual agreement, but although their mouths were separate, their gazes stayed fused. They stood enthralled, trembling, and deeply melancholy.

“Do you think selfish people are happy?” he asked.

“No doubt. They're selfish. They don't worry about what other people think or need from them.”

“I'm jealous. I wonder if there's a vaccine you can take that cures you from caring about others.”

“Don't think so.”

“Maybe I should add that to my superpowers wish list.” He pantomimed pulling an invisible list from his pocket and jotting that down.

“If you were selfish, Rafferty Jones, I wouldn't admire you the way I do.”

“Ditto, Lissy Moncrief.”

“We're damned,” she said woefully.

“Pretty much.”

“This stinks.”

He laughed, but his eyes were sad. “In the words of my mother. Sucks like an Electrolux.”

“I think she stole that from Stephen King.”

“Actually, it was a failed advertising campaign slogan put out by Electrolux themselves. My mother said it so often—usually in regards to something I wanted to do, but couldn't because I had to watch my brother and sister—that I looked it up.”

“Look at you. All bookish and everything.”

“I'm more cerebral than I look,” he teased. “Got books on my MP3 player and everything.”

“
Hank the Cow Dog
?”

“Now you're just giving me a hard time.”

“Louis L'Amour?”

“You know me too well.”

“Easy to figure. You have a romantic soul. That book of poems you checked out from the library was a dead giveaway.”

“And look where that's gotten me. Lovesick in the Lone Star State.”

Lovesick?

He might fancy himself in love with her, but this wasn't love, Lissette told herself. They had compatibility, yes. They made good friends. And certainly the sex with him was amazing, but neither one of them was in a place where they could evaluate whether they were really in love or if this was simply a stopgap relationship.

They filled each other's needs for the time being. It wasn't enough to base a long-term relationship on, and there were so many complications. Easier to pretend this was nothing more than mutual attraction. You didn't change your life and upset the people you already loved for something you couldn't be sure of.

“You have to go get Slate,” Lissette said, spoiling the moment.

It had to come to an end. Unfortunately, Rafferty couldn't freeze time. From the Tex-Mex restaurant down University Drive wafted the scent of cumin, chili powder, and garlic. The aroma mingled with the horsey smell clinging to Rafferty.

“And you have to get home so you don't have to pay the babysitter overtime.”

“Jones!” Cordy called from the back entrance. “You comin' to get your horse?”

“Be right there.” Rafferty raised a hand but never glanced at the man. His eyes were full of Lissette.

“You better go.”

“I don't want to.”

“I know, but once you're home things will go back to normal again and Jubilee will be nothing but a memory.”

“No,” he said loudly, causing Lissette to jump. “That's not true. You and I, we will
always
be connected.”

“Because of Jake,” she murmured.

“And Kyle. He's my nephew.”

Were those the only reasons?
Don't play mind games with yourself, Lissette. It's counterproductive.
She stepped away from him, stuck her fingers in the pockets of her blue jean jacket, and curled her hands into fists.

“Jubilee will never be just a memory. What we have—what we did—will never feel wrong.”

“That's a sweet thing to say, Rafferty, but you can't make me any promises and I can't make you any either. We don't know how we'll feel once we're away from each other. Once everything returns to normal.”

“Nothing is ever going to be normal again.”

“Out of sight, out of mind.”

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

“Familiarity breeds contempt.”

“Are you trying to chase me off?”

“I'm trying to give you the distance you need to make an informed decision.”

“I get it. You're scared. I am too. We'll do it your way.” He reached for her hand. “Let me walk you to your truck.”

Reluctantly, she took her hand from her pocket. This was just dragging things out. “I can't take another good-bye.”

“It's not forever.”

“It might be. It could be. We have to step away from this foggy cloud we're under. Let our heads clear before we know if this is something substantial or just the effects of losing Jake and digging up the past and—”

“Shh. Stop explaining.” He kissed her again, then took her hand and led her across the parking lot to her truck. “Give me your keys.”

She pulled the keys from her pocket. He opened the door. Stood there while she got inside and started the engine. He kissed his fingertip, and then pressed it to her window. He gave her a lonesome smile, just before he turned and walked away.

Chapter Nineteen

I
t took everything Rafferty had in him to walk away from her. This was killing him. Tearing him into two pieces. He wanted to stay here, but he had a ranch and employees that he'd already been away from too long and he was homesick for his horses.

But here were Lissette and Kyle and the promise of a whole new kind of future. Except Lissette didn't believe in the feelings he had for her. Jake had gotten everything Rafferty had not. A father. A functional mother. A beautiful wife. A son. A home. A prizewinning horse.

And here was Rafferty with castoffs again. Jake's cast-off horse, his cast-off wife . . .

No. He did not think of Lissette that way and he was ashamed of that passing thought.

He had never intended on starting a relationship with his brother's wife. Staying out of her bed had been his central goal and he'd failed. Miserably.

But once begun, however, he wanted more. Much more. A simple fling would have been easy. Keep it quiet until it burned out. A secret that brought a smile. But that wasn't enough for Rafferty. He needed more.

Except Lissy didn't.

She couldn't say it to him. He'd seen it in her eyes. She didn't want to hurt him, but she was still grieving. Still sorting out her life. Still learning to deal with Kyle's disability. She didn't have any room in her heart for a complication like him. So he was going home. He would not go to her on this last night as he'd planned. He would spend the night in the garage apartment. Would not slip into her bed one final time, and in the morning, he would head back to where he belonged.

Because it was the only option that his conscience would allow.

L
issette left the back door unlocked, hoping against hope that Rafferty would join her when he got back, but he did not come to her.

She never slept.

Finally, she got up at four
A.M.
and spied his truck parked in the driveway. So he was still here, but he had not come into the house. She understood why he had not come in, but understanding did not soothe her.

Might as well get to work. Nothing calmed like the reassuring act of measuring sugar and sifting flour and rolling out dough.

She'd been working for about an hour when the back door opened.

“Lissy?”

She glanced up. A strand of hair had fallen across her face. She tossed her head to get it to move. Her hands were dusted with flour. “You didn't come in last night.”

“No.” Rafferty looked more handsome than ever in his Stetson and cowboy boots. “I thought it best not to string things out.”

“So,” she said. “I guess this really is good-bye.”

“I wish—”

“You don't have superpowers, Rafferty.” She stiffened, fighting everything inside her to keep from running across the kitchen, wrapping her arms around him, and begging him to make love to her on that marble amid the muffins.

“Let me finish.”

“Go ahead.”

“I wish there was some way to know if what's going on between us was the real deal or just a consequence of losing Jake.”

“There's no way to know for sure without separating.”

“I realize that.”

“Here,” she said, slipping muffins into a Ziploc bag. “Have a Mockingbird Muffin for the road.”

“Mockingbird Muffin?”

“It's my newest pastry. It's like a hummingbird cake but with a secret Texas ingredient. So good it will have you singing like a mockingbird.”

“Your bakery is going to be a huge success, Lissy.” He picked up the muffin bag, turned to leave, stopped, and then came back. “I almost forgot,” he said, “that I got you a good-bye present.”

“You didn't have to do that.”

“It's a Christmas cactus. It's supposed to bloom on Christmas Day. I left it in the apartment.”

She smiled and her heart clenched.

“I'm gonna miss the hell out of you.” He came over and pressed his lips against her neck. Hot. Blistering. Masculine lips. Not soft, but tender.

Rafferty!

And then he was gone, his feet padding away. Lissette stood at the counter, the spatula curled in her fingers, tears streaming down her cheeks. This wasn't fair! She wanted him. Wanted him more than she'd ever wanted any man and that included her husband. But she couldn't claim what she wanted.

She was in love with him.

No, no. She was not in love. She was mixed up. She was lonely. She had needs and Rafferty was a sexy man. She didn't love him. She couldn't love him. Yes, he was kind to her son. Yes, he had made her heat up in places she had no business heating up in. Yes, he helped her in the way of a real helpmate. But that did not equal love. Gratitude, yes. She could not mistake this for something it was not.

She slung down the spatula, spun around, ran after him. “Rafferty!”

Lissette could see him through the window inside the back door, the blinds partially pulled up.

He stopped.

So did she.

Lissette reached out a hand, clamped down on the knob.

Rafferty shook his head, and then he was moving again. Running now. Running away from her, across the yard toward his truck.

She flung open the door. “Rafferty!”

He stopped. His back was to her. His shoulders went down and he slowly turned around. That's when she saw the mist of tears in his eyes.

“Your feelings are probably going to change once you get to California,” she said. “But just in case they don't, then let's make a pact.”

“What kind of pact?” he asked.

“If you want to be with me, then be back here by Christmas Eve. If you're not back by midnight on Christmas Eve, then I'll know you got home and had a change of heart. No harm. No foul. How does that sound?”

A faint smile curled his lips. “Wasn't there a movie like this?”

“
An Affair to Remember
, but pay attention. This is important.”

“I saw it a long time ago. Amelia used to love old movies. I don't remember much about it except that it didn't have a happy ending.”

“What do you mean? It had a happy ending.”

“No it didn't, the woman he loved ended up in a wheelchair.”

“You're missing the point. They ended up together.”

“But she was in a wheelchair.”

“This from the man who taught me that deafness isn't a handicap.”

“You're right. I'm looking at this the wrong way.”

“So we have a deal? Midnight? Christmas Eve? If you don't show we never mention it again. No hard feelings.”

“Deal,” he croaked. “I've got to go.”

“I know.”

A slice of dawn shone down on her.
Nah-nah, lovesick fool. He's never coming back.

She watched him drive away, pulling Jake's horse trailer behind him. He waved. She waved. Good-bye.

For the longest time she stood there, willing him to come back to her. She stood until the smoke alarm went off, blasting an ear-splitting shriek, and the smell of burning muffins singed her nostrils. At least it wouldn't wake Kyle up, she thought ruefully.

Finally, she went back inside. Dumped the burned muffins in the sink, pulled the battery from the alarm until the smoke dissipated, and then she started all over again. Because these days, that was what she did best.

Start all over from scratch.

C
laudia couldn't stand it any longer. The guilt was too much to bear. After she'd confessed her sin to Stewart, he'd told her she needed to forgive herself, but she couldn't do that until she asked Rafferty for forgiveness. Then Stewart had told her he loved her no matter what she'd done in the past and he took her to bed.

She heard through the grapevine that Rafferty had been training Jake's cutting horse and entered him in the futurity and that he'd been winning. She'd been trying to work up a head of courage to go apologize to him, but it was so difficult. What if Rafferty refused to forgive her? What then?

When she heard that one of Joe Daniels's horses had won the amateur division, she knew Slate had finally lost. This was her opportunity to go to Rafferty and congratulate him on a good showing and then confess everything.

She got dressed that morning on December 4 and faced herself in the mirror. She had to do this. It was the only way to move on. More than anything, she wanted to see Lissy and Kyle, and this was her ticket back into their lives.

Unless they didn't forgive her either.

But Stewart had forgiven her. He understood.

Yes, but he wasn't the one she'd wronged.

Finally, before she chickened out, she got into her car and drove to Lissette's house.

She parked in the driveway and she was more than relieved to see the red dually with the California plates wasn't here.

You're not getting off that easy. Go find Lissy and ask where he is.

She forced her legs to move, and started around to the back door. Her heart pounded as she remembered the last time she'd been here. When she'd peeked through the French doors into the kitchen and seen Lissy and Rafferty together. Her hand pressed against his heart.

Her stomach roiled and she almost turned and ran, but then she saw that the door to the garage apartment was open. Was Rafferty up there and his truck was simply closed up in the garage?

This was it.

The time had come.

Drawing on whatever little courage she had left, Claudia forced herself up the stairs. A vivid green Christmas cactus in a bright red planter was sitting on the landing. She hesitated at the threshold, curled her fingernails into her palms, braced herself and peeked inside.

There was Lissette bent over, stripping sheets off the bed.

Claudia's gaze darted around the room. No sign of Rafferty. The air seeped from her lungs, hissed through her clenched teeth.

Lissette's head shot up.

Their gazes met. Stuck.

“Lissy,” Claudia said.

Her daughter-in-law smiled sadly. “Mom.”

Mom! Hope lifted her spirits. She'd called her Mom. “Is Rafferty here?”

“He's gone.”

“When will he be back?”

“He's gone for good. Home to California.”

Claudia's knees almost gave way with relief. Rafferty was gone, but that didn't absolve her. She had to set things right and confessing to Lissette would be a start. “Can I . . . can we talk?”

Lissy dropped the sheets to the floor, sat down on the bare mattress, and patted the spot beside her.

Her legs moved toward Lissy, but she was barely aware of the journey, her mind busy with how to begin.

“I've missed you,” Lissy said.

“I've missed you too.”

They sat there looking at each other.

Claudia's bottom lip started to tremble. “Lissy, I'm so sorry.”

“I know you didn't mean to hurt me,” Lissy said.

“I didn't! I didn't!”

“I know you were just hurting. That's why you lashed out at Rafferty.”

“I was.” Claudia plastered a palm to her forehead. The ache in her heart was so acute that she had to stop and catch her breath. She gulped, desperate for more oxygen. Lissy looked so calm, so put together in a simple sweater and black slacks. She was such an elegant woman. “Where's Kyle?” she asked, suddenly desperate to see her grandson.

“He's at Mother's Day out. I had to get some baking done and while the bread was in the oven I thought I'd come clear out the apartment.”

“You're in love with him, aren't you?” Claudia's voice came out high and reedy.

“Who? Rafferty?”

Mutely, she nodded.

She glanced away but not before Claudia saw the mist of tears in her eyes. Lissette didn't answer her question, instead she said, “This is the way it has to be.”

“Because of me? Did you send him away because of me?”

“Only partially.” Lissette picked at imaginary lint on the knees of her slacks. Finally, she raised her head and her gaze locked with Claudia's. “The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but I'm not going to apologize for anything I've done.”

She knew then that Lissy had slept with Rafferty. “You love him more than you loved Jake.”

“He's different than Jake,” Lissy said. “Kinder. More understanding.”

Claudia pressed her lips together, fighting back the tears. She considered jumping up and running from the room so they did not have to have this conversation, but she made herself stay rooted to the bed. “I know.”

“Jake and I—”

“I know.”

Lissy put a hand to her nose. “He gave me Kyle.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Because of Jake I have you.” A single tear rolled down Lissy's cheek.

“Lissy, before you say anything else, there's something I have to tell you.”

Lissy's face paled. “I'm listening.”

“It's about Rafferty. About what I did to him when he was young. That's the reason I lost it when I met him in person. Not because I was jealous that he was with you. It's because I was so ashamed of what I'd done.”

Lissette put a hand to her mouth. “What did you do?”

Claudia's shoulders slumped. She felt as if her bones were shrinking. “It was at Christmas time. Jake was six years and I was putting Gordon's jeans in the laundry. There was a letter in the back pocket. I took it out and instantly smelled perfume.”

“It was from Rafferty's mother?”

She nodded. “Amelia Jones. In the letter, she told Gordon that he had a two-year-old son and she wanted him to come to California for Christmas to see him.”

They sat there in the awkward silence.

“What did you do?”

“Well, at first I was hurt, betrayed, but then I started thinking what would happen if Gordon went back out there? Would he leave me for her? What would this do to our family? What would it do to Jake?” She paused. “I knew what I had to do to protect Jake. I couldn't let my son's life be unraveled by his father's indiscretions. You're a mother. You know what I'm talking about.”