A Crazy Case of Robots
Read A Crazy Case of Robots Online
Authors: Kenneth Oppel
Kenneth Oppel
for Graham Mills
Danger! High Voltage!
“Kevin and Tina Quark! Local geniuses!”
Giles Barnes smiled to himself as he weaved through the crowds at the school science fair. He recognized Kevin’s voice instantly, even though he couldn’t see him yet.
The gymnasium was packed. It was difficult for Giles to even get close to some of the displays. So far he’d seen five entries on dinosaurs, three on volcanoes, one on optical illusions, and another on venus flytraps. He’d also seen an enterprising girl dressed up as an electron, whirling around the gymnasium and crashing into people. It was causing quite a stir.
“Local geniuses!” came Kevin’s voice again, rising above the general din. “Capable of just about anything! Reasonable rates!”
Giles steered around a knot of people and finally caught a glimpse of a boy with curly red hair and a face splotched with freckles. He was standing in the middle of the aisle, trying to hand out business cards to passers-by.
“Hi, Kevin!” Giles called out, drawing closer. “Drumming up some customers?”
“Public relations,” said Kevin wisely. “That’s the key, Barnes. Good public relations. And this is the perfect place for it. Look at all these people! Oh, hang on a second!”
Kevin swivelled round to face an elderly man sidling past. “Excuse me, sir,” he said, offering him one of the business cards. “My name’s Kevin Quark and I’m a local genius and—”
The man hurried by without taking a card.
“His loss,” said Kevin with a shrug. “Let me tell you, Barnes, it’s not easy being a genius.”
Giles nodded, hoping he looked sympathetic. He’d never forget the first time he met Tina and Kevin Quark. They’d appeared on his doorstep, introduced themselves as geniuses, and told him there was a good chance his house was haunted. Since then his life simply hadn’t been the same.
It might be difficult being a genius, Giles thought. But what about being the friend of geniuses? He couldn’t remember the last time Tina had made a mistake in class. She could memorize whole pages from the encyclopedia. She could divide huge numbers faster than a pocket calculator. She even knew what all the buttons did on her parents’ remotes! And Tina and Kevin always seemed to be cooking up some new invention for their genius business—fantastic contraptions that shot out sparks and steam and made shrill beeping noises.
“Wait until you see our science fair entry,” Kevin told Giles proudly.
“Where is it?”
“Well, the thing is,” said Kevin, lowering his voice, “it’s not quite ready yet. Tina’s still working on it. Some last minute touches. I’m a little worried it won’t be finished in time. But come on, I’ll show you.”
Kevin lead the way through the throng to Tina’s booth.
Giles frowned.
“What’s going on?” he said in bewilderment.
The booth was completely barricaded with large
sheets of cardboard. Written across the outside in fierce black letters was DO NOT DISTURB and TRESPASSERS WILL BE PROSECUTED, as well as DANGER! HIGH VOLTAGE!
“Tina’s taking this awfully seriously, isn’t she?” Giles asked.
Orange light flashed through the gaps in the cardboard hoarding, accompanied by sharp crackling noises. Then came a high-pitched drilling sound.
“It seems she has some fairly big equipment in there,” said Giles.
Kevin nodded in admiration.
“So, what is it?” Giles asked.
“Well I, um, don’t know, to tell you the truth,” Kevin replied, his face colouring. “She wouldn’t even let me help out on this one. I’ve been banned from the workshop altogether for the last two weeks!”
“It must be something pretty special,” said Giles.
“It makes sense, I suppose,” said Kevin matter-of-factly. “After all, I’m only a little bit of a genius, so I can’t expect her to let me in on all the inventions.”
But Giles couldn’t help noticing that Kevin looked a little hurt.
Quite a crowd had gathered round by this time, and whenever a puff of smoke drifted up into the air, or an electric snap sounded, there were
oohs
and
ahhhs
from the audience, as if it were all some marvellous fireworks show.
Kevin tapped respectfully on the cardboard.
“Tina?” he said.
“Who’s there?” came a muffled voice.
“It’s Kevin.”
“Kevin who?”
“Kevin Quark, your brother!”
After a moment, Tina squeezed out between two panels of cardboard. She was very tiny, with precise blond braids hanging on either side of her head. There was a smudge of grease across her cheek.
“Good day, Barnes,” she said with a perfunctory nod.
“Hello, O Great One,” said Giles with a grin.
“How’s it going in there?” Kevin asked.
“I’m finished,” Tina replied. A small smile shifted across her lips as she looked around. “I see we have
quite an audience. Well, I hardly think anyone will be disappointed.”
People were jockeying for position around the stall, standing on tiptoe, rocking their heads from side to side, hoping for a good glimpse of what was behind the barricade.
“What’s going on in there?” someone asked.
“Is it alive?” another wanted to know.
“Is it dangerous?”
“Is it fit for children to see?”
“Stand back everyone, please!” said Tina.
With a flourish, she pulled a long piece of twine, and with an airy sigh the walls of the cardboard barricade fell gracefully outwards to the floor.
Everyone gasped.
A robot.
Tinatron
“Ladies and Gentleman,” Tina proclaimed, “this is the Tinatron 1000!”
Giles took a few steps closer for a better look.
The robot was roughly the same size as Tina. Gauges and switches covered its boxy metal chest. Two spindly metal arms jutted from its sides, each with a rubber-glove hand at the end. Tinatron’s head was long and rectangular, with what looked like a flashlight and a camera lens for eyes, and for a mouth, a portable iPod speaker.
Two thick silver cables connected the robot’s head to the top of its chest. Giles didn’t know what its legs looked like, because they were hidden beneath a kind of metal skirt which extended almost to the floor. Poking out from
the bottom were a pair of mismatched running shoes.
“Hey!” said Kevin, pointing at the robot’s head. “That’s my camera!”
“As a matter of fact, it is,” said Tina. “It was perfect for my purposes.”
“And that’s my speaker, too!” Kevin exclaimed.
“Kevin, please,” said Tina, “you’re making a scene.”
“You might have asked! I’ve been looking for that stuff!”
“You should be delighted that I’ve been able to make use of it in such a remarkable invention.”
“But why does it always have to be my stuff?” Kevin wanted to know.
Tina pretended not to hear.
“Where did you get all the other parts?” asked Giles.
“The metal salvage yard down by the river. There’s a wealth of raw material there.”
Giles imagined Tina, skulking around with a flashlight at night like a grave robber, pocketing automobile parts and bits of gutted TVs.
“Does it talk?” someone in the audience wanted to know.
Tina smiled indulgently, and turned to the robot.
“Introduce yourself,” Tina said to it.
“Good morning,” said the robot in a strange, metallic voice. “I am Tinatron 1000, created by Tina Quark. I am a high-performance, low-maintenance, super-efficient, multi-purpose, hyper-intelligent robot. I am programmed to perform any task without error.”
The audience hummed in amazement.
“Its voice!” Kevin hissed to Giles. “It sounds—”
“I know,” said Giles. “It sounds a little like Tina’s.”
“Spooky, isn’t it?”
“Very.”
Giles couldn’t help thinking that the robot even looked a little bit like Tina. The two silver cables that dangled from its metal head weren’t so unlike Tina’s blond braids. And there was even something similar about the way the robot stood, very straight and serious, its hands folded calmly together in front.
“I will now give a demonstration of Tinatron 1000’s abilities,” announced Tina grandly.
She ordered the robot to balance on one of its metal legs, then to pick up eggs without breaking them. She
asked the robot to multiply large numbers and write the answers in clear handwriting on a chalk board. Then Tina invited the audience to ask Tinatron anything it wished. The robot answered questions on astrophysics, ancient history, and biochemistry. It did not make a single mistake.
“May I may have everyone’s attention, please!”
Giles turned to look at the stage. Mr Lunardi, the school science teacher, was speaking into a microphone.
“It is now time to announce this year’s science fair winner. The judges and I have seen some very impressive entries today, but there is one entry which we feel surpasses all others. I would like to ask Tina Quark to come to the stage and accept first prize!”
“But what about me?” said Kevin. “I thought we were partners!”
But Tina was already marching up to the front, the robot keeping pace at her side. Mr Lunardi looked a little taken aback as Tinatron expertly climbed the steps to the stage and extended its rubber-glove hand for the trophy. Mr Lunardi hesitated for a moment, and then handed it over. As Tina stood by, smiling faintly, the robot gently pushed Mr Lunardi away from the microphone.
“This is a great honour,” said the robot. “Thank you very much indeed.”
The gymnasium erupted into more applause. Cameras flashed.
“Sometimes it makes you want to gag, doesn’t it?” said Kevin to Giles.
It Can Stay
Giles dabbed some model glue onto the edges of the two plastic pieces, and pressed them firmly together.
From the ceiling of his bedroom hung an assortment of model airplanes. There were modern jet fighters and old fashioned biplanes, huge 747s and angular spaceships. Giles took great pride in his collection. He wasn’t one of those model builders who simply slapped them together, forcing parts, leaving globs of glue oozing between joints to harden. He took his time. He’d learned that patience was absolutely essential.
Tina and Kevin might be geniuses, but he was a master model builder.
Spread out across his desk right now was a bomber
he’d been saving up for for ages. It was the biggest model he’d ever built, and the most difficult, too.
There was a knock at the front door.
“Typical,” Giles groaned. He couldn’t just let go of the pieces now or they’d dry crooked.
Another knock.
His father, he knew, was out back in his workshop, going over the plans for home renovations. And his mother was in her study, with the door tightly shut, working on some huge math equation to torture her university students.
He sighed. It would have to be him. He carefully put down the pieces and thumped downstairs.
It was Kevin and Tina, both looking rather awkward. Behind them stood the robot.
“I was in the middle of something,” Giles said a little testily.
“Good afternoon, Barnes,” said Tina. “We seem to have a bit of a problem.”
“You do?”
Giles wondered what it could possibly be. Just this morning Tina had won first prize in the science fair,
everyone had called her a genius, and her picture would undoubtedly be splashed all over the local newspapers tomorrow morning. She’d probably be invited to take part in the next space launch, and knighted by the Queen before the school year ended! What could the problem be?
“Mom won’t have the robot in the house,” Kevin explained simply.
“Why not?” Giles said.
“She thinks it’s off-putting,” said Tina, rolling her eyes.
“She thinks it’s inhuman,” said Kevin.
“She thinks it’s unwholesome,” said Tina.
“She thinks it’s a lot of things,” added Kevin in confidential tones, “but I won’t repeat them here. They’re kind of nasty.”
“What we’re wondering, Barnes,” began Tina, avoiding his eyes, “is if you might possibly do us just a little bit of a favour—not much of a favour really, just a very small one.” She paused to take a deep breath. “Could you let Tinatron stay here, while we give Mom a chance to calm down?”
Giles glanced at the robot, standing very still and serious behind the two Quarks.
“Well, I can ask,” said Giles uncertainly. “But I don’t think my parents are going to be too pleased. You know how my Mom is about your inventions, Tina—especially after that incident with the super carpet cleaner.”
“Ah, yes,” said Tina, pursing her lips and frowning as if it had all happened a very long time ago. “That was somewhat of a disappointment, wasn’t it?”
“Our carpet used to be blue,” said Giles.
“It’s kind of green and purple now,” quipped Kevin.
“Yes, thank you, Kevin,” said Tina, “I haven’t forgotten.”
Now that Giles thought about it, he wasn’t at all sure about having the robot to stay either. Tina’s inventions were often unreliable. To be fair, some of them were huge successes, like her ghostometer. But often, they also had a nasty habit of shrinking things unexpectedly, or making them frizzle up like bits of burnt spaghetti. It was not uncommon for Mr and Mrs Quark to ban Kevin and Tina from their basement workshop after a particularly disastrous experiment.
“I thought I heard someone at the door,” called out Mr Barnes, coming in the back door from his workshop.
“It’s Tina and Kevin,” Giles called back. “And their robot.”
There was a brief silence.
“Oh,” said Mr Barnes. “Well, maybe they’d like to come in—all three of them.”
The robot was already squeezing past Kevin and Tina into the hallway. It shone its flashlight in Giles’s face for a moment, studying him. He was reminded of a visit to the optometrist.
“Did Tina Quark create you as well?” the robot asked in its metallic voice.
“No way!” exclaimed Giles indignantly.
“It asked me that, too,” said Kevin sympathetically. “In fact, it’s asked everyone that, including Mom and Dad. They were pretty annoyed.”
“I bet!” said Giles.
“It’s simply curious,” said Tina. “It has an inquisitive mind, unlike some people I’m acquainted with,” she added, giving Kevin a withering look.
But the robot seemed to have lost interest in Giles and was ambling down the hallway as if it were in a public art
gallery. The it turned and disappeared into the living room.
“Whoa,” came Mr Barnes’s voice from around the corner. “What have we here?”
Giles ushered Tina and Kevin inside and hurried after the robot.
“I take it, Tina, this is one of your creations,” said Mr Barnes, folding away his construction plans.
“That’s right,” she replied. “It’s the Tinatron 1000.”
“They wanted to know if Tinatron could stay here for a few days,” Giles said.
Mr Barnes’s gaze fell to the carpet that had once been blue.
“Mr Barnes,” said Tina hurriedly, “you have my assurance that Tinatron is perfectly safe. It won’t be any trouble at all.”
At that moment, Mrs Barnes walked into the room. Everyone turned to look at her. Giles drew in his breath sharply. His mother’s eyes fixed on the robot for a few moments. Then she glanced quickly over to Tina and Kevin Quark, who were standing rigidly side by side, with huge, hopeful smiles frozen on their faces.
“No,” Mrs Barnes said. “Not on your life.”
“Elizabeth,” said Giles’s father with a smile. “It’s a robot orphan. Where’s your compassion?”
“I want it out,” said Mrs Barnes with a flinty-eyed stare at Tina. “I want it out before it blows up the house.”
For once, Giles was on his mom’s side. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but there was something about Tinatron that rubbed him the wrong way!
“It’s completely out of the question!” said Mrs Barnes. “I’ve got a great deal of work to do on this new series of math equations, and I won’t be interrupted by some walking nine-volt battery!”
While all this was going on, Tinatron had meandered over to the coffee table and was peering intently at the textbook Mrs Barnes had brought into the room with her.
“The Quintilliax equations are unusually complex,” the robot said. “Only those of advanced intelligence are able to solve their many intricacies.”
Tina beamed like a proud mother whose baby has just burbled its first words. Mrs Barnes’s mouth fell open slightly. Then a smile broke out across her face.
“It can stay,” she said.
“What is that?” asked the robot, pointing at the jumble of plastic pieces on Giles’s desk.
“It’s a model airplane kit,” he explained. “You glue it together. This is going to be the best one yet. It’s going to be perfect.”
“Those two pieces are crooked,” said the robot.
“Yes, well,” said Giles, slightly flustered, “I was in a hurry to open the door.”
Tinatron stood in the centre of his room, swivelling its head around to take everything in. Giles felt a bit at a loss. Robot-sitting! What was he supposed to do with it? Was he supposed to talk to it? Play with it? Somehow he couldn’t see this robot rolling dice and plunking a plastic counter around a board. This was a very serious robot.
It had been almost impossible to get Tina to leave. She’d fussed over the robot as if she were sending it away for two years instead of a few days! She’d reminded him of all the proper procedures three or four times, until Kevin had gently but firmly guided her out of the room and out the front door.
“Your drawers are not properly closed,” announced Tinatron gravely.
“Yeah, well.” Giles slammed shut a few drawers.
“There is an accumulation of dust on your shelves.”
“It’s always like that!”
“That poster is drooping slightly in the upper right corner.”
“So what?”
“It is not perfect.”
Giles just looked at the robot.
“Look, you’ve had a long day,” he said, “why don’t you get some sleep?”
“Sleep?” said the robot.
“Oh, right. Should I plug you in, then?”
“My battery does not yet require recharging.”
“Well,” said Giles, “I’ve got to do some homework for tomorrow.”
“I will do it,” said Tinatron immediately.
“No thanks,” said Giles. “Besides, it’s got to be in my own handwriting, or they’ll think I cheated.”
“I can copy any style of handwriting,” the robot replied. “I am programmed not to make a single mistake.”
Giles looked thoughtfully at his model kit. If Tinatron did all his homework, he’d have more time to work on the bomber. It was awfully tempting. And why not? If he had to look after this robot for a few days, why shouldn’t he get something out of it! He could hand in flawless homework, too, just like Tina! He could hardly wait to see the look on her face when his scores were called out!
“All right,” he told Tinatron. “I’ll get the books for you.”
Maybe, he thought, this robot-sitting wouldn’t be so bad after all.