A Cry For Hope (15 page)

I pulled into my mother’s driveway and was surprised to see Tina sitting on the front porch. I normally called her once a week to catch up, but I had been dodging her phone calls since I left Jamie because I just didn’t feel like explaining myself to anyone.

“Well, well, well, she
is
alive,” Tina said as she stood up and watched me approach the front porch.

“Hey, what’s up?” I asked.

“Umm…I think that’s a question for you. I’ve only called you six times with no return phone call. So I resorted to calling your husband who, by the way, is just as bad at returning phone calls as you. Hope, what the hell is going on? I just came here to see your mom to invite her over for Mother’s Day tomorrow, and she told me you’re staying with her.”

Shit…Mother’s Day.
My stomach dropped at the thought of spending my first Mother’s Day without my Charlie. Tina pushed a strand of her short blonde hair behind her ear and stared at me inquisitively. “I really don’t want to talk about it, Tina.”

“Hope, come on. You can tell me anything.”

“Okay, fine. Jamie had an affair. He’s in San Diego till God knows when, and I don’t know what’s going to happen with us when he gets back.”

She sighed heavily and placed her hand on my shoulder. “Oh, Hope, I am so sorry. I had no idea. You know that Alex hasn’t even talked to him in well over a month.” I took a seat on the front porch swing and Tina sat down next to me. “Who was the girl?”

I looked straight ahead. “Someone he works with.”

“Why? Did he say what the hell possessed him to do it?”

I finally turned my attention back to her. “Because he hates me. It’s his way of punishing me for...” I couldn’t even finish my sentence; the tears wouldn’t allow it.

“Oh, Hopie. I’m so sorry, sweetie. You don’t deserve this. This was not your fault and Jamie knows that. He’s just hurting and -.”

“He’s hurting?! Really?!
He’s
hurting?! Well, you know, I lost my son that day, too!” I shouted. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was sick of feeling like my feelings were inadequate.

“I know, Hope, and I’m not saying that what he did was right,” she said, trying to calm me down. “All I’m saying is that -.”

I cut her off once again. “You know what, Tina? I don’t really care what you have to say. I don’t fuckin’ care what
anyone
has to say because it will always be
poor Jamie
all because his incompetent wife couldn’t watch his son in the ocean.”

“Hope, that’s not what I was saying.” I could tell that she was upset by my harshness, but I didn’t care.

“What’s wrong?” my mother asked, sticking her head out the front door.

“Me! I’m what’s wrong! I’m a horrible wife, a horrible mother, and I deserve everything I’m getting!” I stormed into the house and up the stairs to my bedroom. I threw myself down on my bed and let the tears fall onto my pillow. I knew that Tina didn’t deserve my wrath and I owed her an apology, but I just couldn’t think about that right now. My mind was flooded with worry. Jamie. My marriage. Nick. And the fact that Tina had to bring to my attention that tomorrow was Mother’s Day and I would no longer be celebrating it the way I had for the past eight years.

I didn’t even look up when I heard the light knock on my door. “No one is blaming you, Hope, except for you,” my mother said, moving my hair out of my face as she sat down on the side of my bed.

I finally lifted my head from my pillow. “Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and I don’t have my baby here to celebrate it with me. I’m not a mom anymore and it just hurts so -.” I couldn’t speak over the sobs that escaped my throat.  I sat up and my mother took me in her arms, hugging me tightly.

She took my face in her hands as she tried to hold back her own tears. “Hope, you will always be Charlie’s mother. Nothing will ever change that.”

“I miss him so much, Mom. When is it going to get easier to think about him, to talk about him, or even just to say his name?”

“I don’t know, sweetie. This is such a double-edged sword for me. I lost my grandchild, and now I’m watching my daughter suffer. I just wish I could take away some of the pain for you because I would if I could.”

She sat with me for a while longer until I calmed myself down. She placed her hand in mine. “Why don’t you get yourself together and the two of us will go out for a late lunch.”

I nodded as she got up and walked out the door. I wiped my eyes and took a deep breath. I picked up the picture sitting on my nightstand and traced my finger over Charlie’s face. How I wished that I could feel his warm skin instead of the cool glass beneath my fingertip. I closed my eyes, remembering the sweet smell of his breath and his salty lips touching mine for the very last time. It was a bittersweet memory that would haunt me for the rest of my life, yet one that I wanted to preserve forever. I moved the picture closer, looking directly into Charlie’s beautiful blue eyes. “Mommy loves you so much, baby, and I’m so sorry. I wish it could have been me instead of you.  I would give up anything in this world to have you here with me today, tomorrow, and forever.”

The heavenly aroma of freshly brewed coffee woke me from my sleep. I smiled as I opened my eyes to Charlie standing next to my bed with a coffee cup in his hand. “For me!?” I asked as I sat up.

Charlie nodded and smiled widely “Happy Mother’s Day!”

I took the cup from him and placed it on my nightstand. Tapping on the bed, I motioned for him to sit down next to me. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tightly. “Thank you so much, Charlie.”

“You’re welcome. Daddy is trying to make you breakfast, but he burned the pancakes and had to start all over again.” We began to giggle. We both knew that Jamie and cooking was not a very good match.

I kissed him on his head, inhaling the smell of his favorite grape shampoo. “I’m so lucky to have the greatest kid in the world, you know that?”

Charlie shrugged his shoulders and smiled. “Mom, what happens to kids that don’t have Mom’s on Mother’s Day?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, my friend Zach doesn’t have a mom. She died when he was really little.” My heart broke at the pain that I had seen in Charlie’s eyes at that moment.

I took a deep breath. “Well, she’s still his mom and always will be. Just because she’s not here anymore doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have a mom.”

“Oh, but that would really stink to never be able to see your mom again. It would make me really sad if that happened to you.” I could see the tears building in his eyes.

I hugged him tightly and kissed him on the head. “I would never leave you, sweet boy. I love you way too much.”

He leaned his head into me and we sat in comfortable silence while I softly caressed his face. Charlie was the center of my world. He was the greatest gift that I had ever received, and sitting with him at this particular moment and seeing his empathy for others at such a young age made me realize just how truly blessed  I was to be celebrating Mother’s Day with this beautiful child.

I was broken from my trance when Jamie appeared in the doorway. “Hey, a little birdie told me that you were making me breakfast,” I giggled.

“Yeah, well….I don’t think you would really want to eat that,” Jamie said.

“That bad?” I laughed.

“Oh, yeah! So how about if I take you guys out to breakfast?”

“Wow, breakfast with two handsome guys!? This is going to be a great Mother’s Day!”

Charlie eagerly jumped off the bed. “Yay! Now I can have real pancakes instead of eating Daddy’s!”

Jamie got him in a bear hug and began to tickle him. “What was that?” 

Charlie tried his best to catch his breath between his laughter. “I’m kidding,” he said. “Hey, Mommy?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I invite Zach over to play after we get done with breakfast since his mom isn’t here?”

I felt my eyes burning with tears at Charlie’s request. “You know, Charlie, that is an awesome idea. I’ll call his dad in a little bit.”

“Okay!” Charlie said as he ran off to his room to get dressed.

Jamie sat down on the bed next to me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him softly on the lips. “Thank you,” I whispered.

“For what? Attempting to make you pancakes?” he laughed.

I shook my head. “For that little boy. He is the greatest gift in the world and I cannot even imagine my life without him.”

Jamie smiled and pressed his forehead into mine. “Me, either.”

“We do good work, don’t we?” I smiled.

“The best.”  

I arrived at the bakery way before opening time, waiting for my brother to arrive. We were working for my mom so she and Patty could enjoy their morning at the spa. Even though they had begged me to go with them, I felt more comfortable celebrating Mother’s Day this year as a daughter and not a mom. I decided to face what I had been putting off for weeks…calling Jamie’s mother. Jamie’s parents were still down in Florida, where they would always spend their winters. Normally, they would come back in March, not able to stay away from Charlie for long. This year they had extended their stay and I knew exactly why. I dialed her number and waited for an answer. I had no idea if she had spoken to Jamie, but I was about to find out. “Good morning, Hope!” she answered in her always cheerful voice.

“Hi, Kate. Happy Mother’s Day.”

“Oh, thank you, sweetheart, and Happy Mother’s Day to you.” Her voice cracked with emotion. “I know this has got to be a tough day and I hope that my son is doing something special for you.”
Okay, that answered that question. She hadn’t talked to Jamie.

There was an uncomfortable silence. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to lie, but I didn’t feel like getting into all of the agonizing details, either. “Hope, is everything okay?” she asked. I could hear the fear in her voice.

“Umm… yeah. Jamie is in San Diego for work. I’m sure that you’ll be hearing from him later on today.”

“Hope, what’s wrong, honey?” She obviously wasn’t falling for my act.

“Kate, Jamie and I have decided to separate for a while. We just need some time, you know…”

“Oh no!” I could tell that she was almost in tears.

“It’s just a lot right now. We’re both still hurting so much that it’s better off this way for now.”

“You know, when I talked to him last week, he didn’t say a word to me about it, but I could tell that he wasn’t himself. Oh, sweetie, I wish I could be there to be spending the day with you. One of our shopping marathons would take your mind from it.”

“Yeah, that would be fun.” I did my best to force a laugh.

“Well, I will be back in a few weeks. It’s already getting way too hot for me down here. I want to get together as soon as we get back. It will be perfect timing for your birthday!”

“That sounds perfect. Have a wonderful day, Kate.”

“You, too, sweetheart. And, Hope, I know that you and Jamie will get through this. I really do. Call it mother’s intuition, but I just know that you will. You both love each other way too much.”

I took a deep breath. “Thanks. I hope so.”

We said our goodbyes and I was feeling even lower. The last thing I wanted to do was ruin Kate’s Mother’s Day by delivering that news to her, but I didn’t want to lie to her, either. I had just finished putting on the coffee and was preparing to open. I texted my brother to find out where he was and shook my head when I saw his reply:
Overslept. Be there in twenty.
I unlocked the door and propped it open, letting in the warm spring air, doing a double-take when I looked out and saw Penny sitting all alone on the bench.

“Good morning, Penny! Where’s Marty?” I asked.

She slowly got up and walked into the bakery. I could tell right away that she wasn't herself. She wasn't wearing her signature bright pink blush or lipstick, and the spryness in her step seemed to be missing. She took my hand in hers and I could see the tears in her eyes. “He's in the hospital, sweetie. They think that he had a heart attack.”

“Oh, Penny, I'm so sorry.” I motioned for her to sit down. I grabbed a jelly donut for her and prepared her tea the way she liked it. I poured myself a cup of coffee and took the seat across from her.