A Cry For Hope (31 page)

I was surprised by my strength with getting through the rest of the day. The burial was heart-wrenching. Again, it brought me back to that horrible moment of seeing my Charlie being lowered into the ground forever. But I remained strong, exactly how Nick would have wanted me to be.

We were just leaving the cemetery to head to the luncheon when I heard someone calling my name. I turned around and found myself staring into Angie's beautiful green eyes.

I gave her a slight smile as she approached me. “That was a beautiful eulogy that you gave. Nick would have loved it.”

“Thanks.”

“I know that you guys were really close and I don't know how much he told you, but I really did love him. People make mistakes and I -.”

I held up my hand. “Really, you don’t have to explain yourself to me. It's not my business.”

“I just don't want you to think I'm some heartless monster. I know that I don't know you, but your opinion of me means a lot. I know how much you meant to Nick and maybe, in some small way, if I could make you understand, then maybe I could feel as if I redeemed myself with him for doing what I did.”

I took her hand in mine. “He did love you a lot, Angie, and just because someone we love makes mistakes, that doesn't mean we stop loving them. That love may turn to anger and hurt, but when you truly love someone, it eventually transforms into forgiveness. Nick just never had a chance to get to that point with you.”

She wiped the tears from her eyes. “That day at his party, he told me that you were the most amazing person he’s ever known. Now I can see why.”

Now it was me that was wiping away the tears. I looked away briefly before looking into her eyes again. “Take care of yourself, Angie.”

“You, too,” she whispered as I walked away, no longer able to keep up my strong façade.

The weeks went by as I buried myself in my photography jobs, losing all sense of reality. I had been avoiding Jamie’s phone calls and knew it was just a matter of time before he would be back and I would be
forced
to face reality. My dizziness and headaches were subsiding, but that still didn’t change my situation or what my future had in store.

It was the one year anniversary of Charlie’s death. I just wanted to stay in bed and not get up until the next day. My stomach was in knots. I had so much on my mind, but the one and only thing that I could focus on today was Charlie. I sat up in my bed, trying my best to face the world.
Charlie, help Mommy do this, baby. Help me be strong.

I finally took the first step and headed into the bathroom to take a quick shower. I closed my eyes as the warm water shrouded me. I felt like my life was in complete turmoil as I battled my emotions.  I finally stepped out of the shower when my brain began to hurt from overthinking. I quickly dressed and headed out the door. I had taken the day off, knowing that I would be a complete mess and useless for anything today. I took a deep breath and got into my car, preparing myself for the long drive ahead.

An hour and forty-seven minutes later, I was turning down the long and winding road that led to the cemetery. I pulled my car off to the side and walked up the hill that led to Charlie’s grave. I looked around and was thankful that I was all alone. The late morning sunlight was beating down and the sweat was already streaming down my face, but I didn’t care. I needed to be with my Charlie. I placed the cupcake that my mother had made just for him on his headstone and sat down on the ground. “Grandma made this just for you, Charlie. She misses you so much. We all miss you so much. I can’t believe that a whole year has passed already. It seems like just yesterday. I hope you know how much I love you and that I am so sorry that I couldn’t be there for you that day. You were my world, Charlie, the reason that I existed, and I’m trying to keep going without you, but it’s so hard some days.”

I couldn’t hold back anymore and soon found myself unable to breathe though my sobs, finally admitting to myself, after a whole year, that my little boy was really gone and never coming back. I wrapped my arms around my legs and buried my face in my knees. I rocked back and forth, trying my best to calm myself, slowly lifting my head when I felt someone standing over me. My heart raced and my stomach dropped when I looked up and saw Jamie’s beautiful eyes staring down into mine.

“Jamie,” I whispered, crying even harder at the sight of him.

He bent down beside me, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me closer. He kissed me on the top of my head as my tears continued to flow.

“He’s really gone. It took me a whole year to come to that realization, but our baby is really gone and he’s never coming back,” I whispered, trying to catch my breath.

He wiped my tears from my eyes. I could tell that he was trying his best to maintain his composure and remain strong for me. I looked at him with gratitude as I breathed in his sweet, familiar scent. I missed him so much and it was only adding to my anguish. He stood up and took my hand, helping me off the ground.

We walked over to a bench at the bottom of the hill and sat down. “I thought I could handle this. I thought I was strong enough,” I said, staring straight ahead.

“You are, Hope. You are very strong. I’m the one that was weak.”
No, Jamie, please don’t do this now.

He moved closer and stared at me intently as he ran his hand through my hair. “You cut your hair.” I bit my lip and nodded. “I like it.” He smiled.

“Thank you.”

“How have you been?” he asked.

I shrugged my shoulders, not wanting to lie.  I was finally able to look into his eyes and my heart began to ache. I was staring at this man that I loved with all my heart, knowing that he would be gone forever once he knew the truth. He leaned in and kissed me softly on the lips. It didn’t seem to be enough for either of us to quench our desire because he pulled me close and kissed me harder. My insides melted as I ran my hands up and down his back, unable to get enough of him.

He pressed his forehead to mine. “Hope, I missed you so much. The way I treated you, the things I did, I’m not proud of myself. I know that Charlie’s death wasn’t your fault. You would have died for him. It was just easier for me to place blame to help me deal with the situation because I still can’t understand why this could have happened to him.” He pulled me close and hugged me. He broke down in tears and my heart felt like it was going to leap from my chest. “I’ve cried every single day for the past year. I cried for Charlie, I cried for me, and I cried for us. I can’t do this without you anymore, Hope. I love you too damn much to say good bye. He was the best of both of us and if there’s no us, there’s no Charlie. I love you so much, Hope, and I’m so sorry for everything. The way I treated you, the cheating -.”

I held up my hand. “Jamie, please stop.”

“Hope, I can’t stop.  I was such an ass to not see what I had in you. I will do whatever it takes to make us a couple again. I will go to counseling with you. I want to be your husband again. The husband that you deserve.”

I began to sob harder. He took my face in his hands. “Hope, what’s the matter? Is this not what you want?”

“No Jamie, it’s what I want more than anything in this world, but it’s too late now.”

He looked at me in confusion. “It’s not too late, Hope. I promise you that -.”

“Jamie, I slept with someone else and I’m pregnant.” I couldn’t get the words out fast enough. He pulled away from me and swallowed hard. “I’m so sorry, Jamie. I really and truly am.” He was speechless as I continued to explain, “I needed someone to take away the pain. The pain of losing Charlie, the pain of losing you, and the pain of knowing that my husband, who I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with, was sharing something that was so special with someone else. I needed to feel worthy again.”

He looked straight ahead. “Does…” He paused for a brief second and bit his lip. “Does he know?”

I put my head down and stared at the ground. “No, and he never will.” His eyes widened. “He died, Jamie. He was a Marine; he was killed two weeks ago in a training mission.” He shook his head and ran his hand through his hair. “It is you that I love. It’s always been you and he knew it. He was -.” I looked away and swallowed the baseball-sized lump that formed in my throat just thinking about Nick. “He was my friend,” I said, finally able to get the words out.

He stared at me intently before looking away like he was deep in thought. I leaned my head back on the bench and closed my eyes, preparing myself for another bout of tears. I couldn’t bear to watch him get up and walk away forever.  I slowly opened my eyes and raised my head when I felt his warm hand on top of mine. “I want to be your husband, Hope. I’m not going to lie and say that the thought of you with another man doesn’t make my stomach turn because it does, but I guess I had it coming.”

“That is not why I did it, Jamie. It had nothing to do with revenge or -.”

He put his finger over my lips to stop me from talking. “This baby is a part of you, which means it’s a part of Charlie. I’m never going to get a chance at being a dad again. This is my chance and I promise you that I will love this child as if it were my own.”

“Jamie, I can’t expect you to raise the child of the man that I had an affair with. I don’t want you to resent me or this baby.”

“And you have my word that I won’t. Hope, you know me better than anyone. You know that I wouldn’t agree to this if I had any doubt whatsoever.” He took my face in his hands and kissed me deeply. My stomach fluttered. “I love you. I’ve always loved you, even when I couldn’t say it. You and Charlie were always in my heart. I’m leaving it up to you, but I want this more than anything in the world,” he whispered in my ear before standing up and walking away, leaving me all alone and more confused than ever. 

I arrived back at my mother's.  After such an emotional day, I was feeling spent. I just wanted to crawl into bed and not wake up until I had everything figured out.

“Hope?” I heard my mother calling from the living room.

I could see the sadness instantly wash over her face when she looked at me standing in the doorway. My eyes were so swollen from crying that I could barely see. She tapped on the couch next to her. I took a seat and she wrapped me in her arms, just like she would when I was a little girl. She kissed me on the head and rocked me back and forth in her arms, trying her best to halt my tears. “You made it through the first year. You did it, Hope.”

“I saw Jamie.”

“Oh, and what happened?”

“He wants to work things out.”

My mother looked at me in confusion as she handed me a tissue. “Is that not what you want anymore?”

I wiped my eyes and looked away. “It's what I want more than anything. It's what I've always wanted.”

“But?” She raised her eyebrow and waited for clarification.

I took a deep breath. “I'm pregnant.”

Her eyes widened. Besides Dr. Draven, my mother was the only other person that knew about the effects that Jamie's radiation treatments had on him.  Her jaw dropped and she shook her head. “How?”

I closed my eyes and swallowed the lump in my throat. “Nick,” I whispered.

Her eyes began to pool with tears. “Oh, Hope.” She hugged me tightly. “Why didn't you tell me?”

I shook my head. “I don't know. I found out two days before his funeral. I just wasn’t ready to share it with anyone.”

“Oh, sweetie. How did you manage to be so composed, giving that eulogy?”

“Nick.” She looked at me strangely. “He was there helping me. I know he was. Just like he helped me face Charlie's death.”

“Does Jamie know?”

I nodded. “He said that it doesn't matter to him. He wants to raise the baby as his own. I just don't know if I can put that on him.”

She raised her eyebrows.  “Hope, you know Jamie better than anyone, but I think I know him pretty well, too. I don't think he would do this unless he was one hundred percent sure that's what he wanted.” I bit my lip and looked straight ahead. “The question you need to ask yourself is if Nick were still alive, what would you do? I know that you know what would be morally right, but what if you had to base your decision completely on what you were feeling in your heart instead of your head? Who would you choose?”