A Date with Fate (12 page)

TWENTY-ONE

People were gathering outside the church in dark suits and black hats. Sunglasses were everywhere, hiding red eyes. The priest stood quietly by the door, talking to a haggard-looking couple in grey and black. Ryan's parents, Eve realized with a lurch. She pictured the laughing pair who had often worked behind the bar at the Heartbeat with their son. They looked twenty years older now.

“I can't do this,” Lila blurted. She pushed her sunglasses on top of her head and wiped her red, blotchy eyes. “I think we should go.”

Rhi patted Lila wordlessly on the arm.

“It's important to say goodbye,” Polly said, in a voice thick with tears.

“We have come this far. We have to pay our respects,” said Eve. She was surprised at how steady she sounded.

Lila's eyes were so puffy, she was barely recognizable. Her hair looked lank, and had been scraped back into a tight ponytail that didn't suit her. For once in her life, Lila looked terrible. But Eve couldn't enjoy the fact. She wondered if she'd enjoy anything, ever again.

She smoothed down her black jacket, polished her dark glasses and set them firmly on her carefully made-up face. “Come on,” she said, starting to cross the road. “We're going to be late.”

People looked at them as they approached the door of the church. Keeping her head high, Eve ignored their glances. Lila, Polly and Rhi trailed behind her like bedraggled ducklings.

“You!”

Eve paused in the threshold of the church door. She took off her sunglasses and looked directly into the tear-filled eyes of Ryan's mother. Determined not to be a coward.

“I'm so sorry for your loss, Mrs Jameson,” she said.

“If we could change any of it, we would,” Lila sniffed, and blew her nose on a handkerchief.

Mrs Jameson looked almost wild with grief. “You were no friend of his,” she hissed. “How dare you come here today?”

“We tried to stop him,” Lila cried, “but he wouldn't listen!”

Eve struggled to stay calm as Lila burst into noisy tears. Polly and Rhi stood by helplessly.

The priest moved forward, looking concerned. “Mrs Jameson, perhaps you would like to take your seat? You'll be more comfortable inside the church.”

“I want you to leave,” spat Ryan's mother, pointing at Eve. “You and your friend with her crocodile tears. You aren't welcome.”

She walked stiffly into the church on her silent husband's arm. The priest looked apologetically at Eve, and headed inside as well.

There was a nasty pause. Lila sobbed loudly into her hands.

“What do you think we should do?” said Polly, looking at Eve with wide and hopeless eyes.

Eve took a deep breath. “The important thing is to respect Ryan's family's wishes,” she said. She felt hollow inside. “We've offered our condolences. Ryan's parents don't want them. I think we should do as Mrs Jameson asked.”

Lila was crying so hard that Eve could barely hear herself think. “You two go in,” she went on, looking at Rhi and Polly. “You'll be fine. The others are in there already. Lila and I will meet you on the beach when it's finished.”

She took Lila's arm gently but firmly. Lila allowed herself to be pulled away.

It wasn't far to the beach. Eve was glad of the cold smack of the wind on her cheeks. It helped her think more clearly.

“That was so awful,” Lila hiccupped beside Eve as the wind buffeted them. “I hope I never experience anything so bad, ever again.”

Eve felt restless. She had summoned every ounce of courage to get to the church, and now she felt – lost.
The service will have started by now,
she thought. It was grim, thinking about Ryan lying inside a coffin at the altar. Part of her was glad not to be there after all.

“Why don't we have our own remembrance service for Ryan here on the beach?” she suggested. “It's nice, thinking that we're doing something at the same time as the church.”

Lila wiped her eyes. “I'd like that,” she said, sounding a little calmer. “Let's find some pretty stones and shells.”

It felt good to be doing something. Moving along the shoreline with her eyes on the sand, searching for stones and shells, Eve thought about Ryan's desperate need to impress people, his love of an audience. His determination to be the most daring person in the room.

We couldn't have stopped him jumping
, she realized.

The thought made her feel a little better.

When she had filled her pockets with wet stones and shells of different colours, Eve joined Lila at the water's edge. They arranged their finds to spell Ryan's name in the sand, and then drew a circle around the picture with a piece of wood that Lila had found by the pier. The tide was lapping at the edge of the circle by the time they had finished. But that was OK, Eve realized. Fitting, somehow.

Goodbye, Ryan
, she thought as the waves washed over the memorial they had made.
Sleep well.

“You never know what's coming around the next corner, do you?” said Lila. The pebbles and stones swirled and disappeared by their feet. “Any of us could be struck down by a speeding car, or get a fatal illness, at any minute.”

Eve nodded. “You're right. We think we're so powerful, but we're not.”

Lila blew her nose decisively. “If I've learned anything from the worst week of my life, it's this. Life is too short to play it safe. From now on, I'm going to live like every day is my last day on earth. No more caution. I'll do what I want, when I want. Run naked down the pier. Sing out loud on the bus.”

“Everyone would think you were mad,” Eve said, half-smiling.

Lila smiled back tearfully. “If it makes me happy, that's all that matters.”

Eve wondered what it would be like, not caring about consequences. Just caring about being happy.

Rhi and Polly were coming towards them across the sand.

“How was it?” Eve asked when they reached her and Lila.

“Sad.” Rhi's eyes were red. “But good too. There were some nice readings and songs.”

“Have you been on the beach the whole time?” Polly asked.

Eve nodded at the remains of their stone-and-shell memorial. “We said goodbye in our own way.”

Lila caught Polly by the arm. Polly looked startled by the intent expression on Lila's face.

“I'm sorry about the way I shouted at you,” Lila said. “I had no right to do that. You and Ollie have to grab all the happiness you can. I don't want to fight about it. I don't want to fight about anything ever again.”

Polly's eyes glimmered. “Thank you, Lila. That means a lot. I never wanted to hurt you. I'm so sorry that I did.”

Lila nodded. “I know. I understand now. After all this sadness,” she went on, looking round at everyone, “I think it's important that we are all friends. Real friends. Friends who tell each other the truth, and look after each other, and listen to each other, and never judge each other.”

“Agreed,” said Rhi, wiping her eyes.

“Definitely,” said Polly.

If I don't say something now, I may never say it
, Eve thought as everyone moved together in a big group hug.

Like Lila, she had just realized a crucial truth.

Life was too short not to live the life she wanted.

It was time to be honest about who she really was.

TWENTY-TWO

“I have something I want to say to all of you,” said Eve.

“You look scared,” said Lila, looking at Eve in surprise. “I didn't think you ever got scared, Eve.”

Keep going
, Eve thought to herself. She swallowed hard. “I have been having a few . . . problems lately,” she said, fumbling for the words. “Facing things. About myself.”

Her friends were listening now. Eve felt more scared than ever.

“What Lila said about being honest with each other,” she hurried on. “I want to be honest with you. You've probably noticed I've been kind of . . . angry lately. Preoccupied. Remember when you saw me a few weeks ago coming out of Ms Andrews' office, Rhi?”

Polly started at the mention of her mother's partner.

Rhi nodded. “I remember,” she said. “What about it?”

Eve ploughed on. “I'd been talking to her about something personal. Something that had been troubling me for a while.”

“Go on,” said Polly encouragingly.

Eve felt like she was beside Ryan, jumping off that terrible cliff. It was a long way down. There was no way of knowing if she'd come up again.

“I think I might be gay,” she blurted out.

Lila's mouth fell open.

“What?” said Rhi in astonishment.

“I might not be,” Eve hurried on. “My feelings are all over the place at the moment, to be honest. But I have . . . these dreams, and I don't seem to have much luck with boys, not long-term. And then Caitlin came along. You saw me kiss her. I enjoyed it. More than I've ever enjoyed kissing boys. And I've kissed a lot of boys,” she added, a little wryly.

“You're telling me,” Lila said, recovering. “Wow, Eve. This is big.”

I won't cry
, Eve thought in determination. “Like I say, I might not be,” she said lamely. “But I think that I probably am.”

She stood there, wringing her hands and watching her friends' faces. What would they think? Had she just made the biggest mistake of her life?

“Wow,” Lila said again.

“Well,” said Polly firmly, “I think it's great. Well done, Eve. I'm so glad you told us.”

It was taking Eve a lot of effort to hold it together. “You are?” she whispered, flushing. “You don't think it's weird?”

“I'm hardly going to,” said Polly, grinning. “Am I?”

Eve felt Polly's arms come around her and squeeze her tightly.

“That was really brave,” Polly said, releasing her. She looked at the others. “Don't you think that was brave, guys?”

“I don't know what to think,” Lila said weakly.

Eve realized that Rhi was glaring at her.

“Typical Eve,” she said, her eyes sparking with anger. “Making Ryan's death all about you.”

Eve flinched. “I didn't mean it that way,” she said, feeling a little horrified.

Rhi turned to the others. “Can't you see what she's doing?” she demanded. “She can't bear not being the centre of attention. You stole my boyfriend, Eve, and yet somehow now you're telling me you're gay as if that excuses you for everything you've ever done? You've done some low things in your time, but this is the lowest!”

She hurried away, her arms wrapped tightly around herself and her head down.

“Rhi!” Eve called hopelessly. “Come back! Talk to me!”

But Rhi didn't look round.

It isn't supposed to be this way!
Eve wanted to shout after her former best friend.
I didn't choose to feel like this!

She felt a hand on her arm.

“Rhi will get used to the idea,” Polly said. “Give her time.”

Lila still hadn't said anything other than “Wow”. Now she was staring at her feet, twisting the toe of her shoe into the sand.

Eve suddenly wanted to be by herself.

“You two should go after Rhi,” she said.

“What about you?” said Polly in surprise.

Eve started walking towards the pier. “I want to be by myself,” she said over her shoulder.

She didn't look back until she had reached the sea wall. Rhi and Polly were already specks in the distance. Eve shivered, and rubbed at her arms. The wind was bitter.

You've said it now
, she thought.
And it can't be unsaid.

How did she feel? Alone, that was for sure. Lighter, maybe. Even with Rhi reacting the way she had, and Lila not looking at her. . . Yes. Lighter was the word. It was as if she had been carrying something heavy on her back for weeks. Months. And now she'd put it down.

Eve rested her back against the sea wall and gazed away from the sea towards the town. Heartside Bay looked just as it always did. Rooftops huddled together along the curving shoreline. Boats bobbing in the harbour, gulls wheeling through the sky with their harsh screams. And yet it was completely different too.

She had never realized how much she was hurting herself by keeping her feelings a secret. Even from herself. The relief was indescribable.

Someone was coming towards her across the beach. With a shock of recognition, Eve saw that it was Caitlin.

“Hey,” said Caitlin, coming to a halt in front of her. “Are you OK? Polly just sent me a text.”

Eve wrapped her arms more tightly around herself. “What did she say?”

Caitlin's smile was blinding. “That you just did the deed and came out. And that you probably needed a friend right now.”

Eve pulled a face. “I just told my friends to get lost,” she said.

“Are you going to tell me to do the same?” Caitlin enquired.

“Of course not,” Eve said, smiling slightly. “You're one of just two people I know in the entire world who understands what this feels like.”

Caitlin gave her a hug. “I'm so proud of you,” she said warmly. “I know exactly how difficult that must have been.”

Eve clung to Caitlin gratefully. “I feel pretty alone right now,” she confessed, pulling back. “Do you promise this gets better?”

“Of course it does,” said Caitlin, rubbing her back. “Your friends will come round to the idea. And if they don't, they aren't really your friends at all. Are they?”

Even though Eve felt as vulnerable as a crab without its shell, she took comfort from Caitlin's words. Friendship wasn't friendship if it didn't accept all of you, exactly as you were, warts and all.

She turned her face to the wind, feeling the spray on her cheeks, and thought of Ryan.

I'm still here
, she thought gratefully.
I hope I never forget how lucky I am.

Life, she knew, would never be the same again.