A DEATH TO DIE FOR (5 page)

Being somewhat cocooned gave me the opportunity to think and gradually the realisation dawned on me that I had to make a decision, probably the most important decision left for me to make and I knew in my mind I had to do this before I met my brother face to face, how was I going to cope with the end of my life, could I be strong for those around me or would I let my wait for departure dissolve into a drawn out recriminatory, blame the world for my ills session, all I knew for sure was that I wanted to die with dignity and I think that it was this determination which set the course for the following days and weeks.

By now time had moved on, I would guess that it was about 6.30pm, I was still sat on the bed when there was the rustling of someone trying to find the gap in the curtain and then Helen appeared in my world again with Jim at her side, although Helen found the strength to smile I could instantly see from Jim’s expression that the leap in thought process from Dad who was ill to Dad who was dying had taken a lot out of him, his eyes were puffy and ringed in red.

Jim came and sat on the bed next to me, not sure what to say or do, Helen carefully worked her way around the stand and drip feed and sat in the chair, she gently took hold of my left hand which had the cannula in it and I put my right arm around Jim’s shoulders, he said the phrase that I would hear many times, “I don’t know what to say”, how could anyone under such circumstances, then he said “I love you Dad” and with that we all dissolved into tears.

Helen managed to grab a handful of tissues from the box on the over bed table and hand them around and as we all blew our noses in unison, the strangest thing happened, we started to chuckle through the tears in the way that families do, I again put my arm around Jim and pulled him tight and said “I love you too son” while trying to squeeze Helen’s hand at the same time with my weak left arm.

Although the mood had picked up a bit, the weight of the situation soon bore down on us again and the smiles quickly faded, Jim asked how was I feeling, I managed to wheeze to him that it wasn’t too bad at the moment apart from not being able to speak, the frequent coughing fits and not being able to use my left arm properly.

However inside myself I actually felt that the release of tension had lifted the black fog which had enveloped me for the past hour, Helen unpacked some more bits that she thought that I might need, some underwear, a pair of lightweight loose walking trousers, my slippers and a couple of sport shirts and I asked Jim if he would pull back the curtains.

Helen said that she needed to go to see her office manager to let her know what was happening so that they knew she would not be coming in to work for the foreseeable future.

Not long afterwards Andy arrived at the door of the ward having made very good time, he paused to register where I was and then walked quickly towards me, Jim helped to me to stand and making sure he did not catch the drip feed Andy embraced me, I managed to raise my right arm and hold him tightly and we patted each others backs in the way that men do, he used that phrase again and as we pulled apart, we both had tears welling up in our eyes he said that he had been in touch with Helen on his mobile while driving up and knew roughly what the situation was and what could he do to help.

Andy was stood in front of me with Jim stood just behind him, I said to Andy as best I could that if what I have been told was true then things would quickly be out of my hands as I would be on serious pain killing drugs and wouldn’t know much about what was going on, I told him that I loved Helen dearly and wanted to be with her and I was prepared to undergo some treatment if it would give me more time with her and Jim but I told him that the most important thing for me was that I should die with what ever dignity could be afforded to me and I asked him to solemnly promise that he would help me to do this.

Without a pause for thought Andy said that he would do whatever he could to uphold my wish and with that I looked over his shoulder, Jim had heard what I had said and was surveying the scene in front of him intently, I caught his eyes with mine, raised my eyebrows and nodded to him to see if he had taken in the meaning behind my words, with tears in his eyes he nodded back to me which said to me that he understood.

Helen came back to the ward and we all stood and looked at the lop sided bed, Andy and Jim set about it with some gusto no doubt venting some of their pent up emotional energy and after a couple of strong tugs and a few kicks whatever was holding the corner of the bed down suddenly released itself and the bed became level again, another small victory which allowed us to smile.

It was now close to 8.00pm and it had been a very long and trying day for everyone which showed in all our faces, I was particularly tired and as Helen had already arranged for Andy to stay overnight to save him having to drive back South I said that they should get off home and after some tearful goodbyes they slowly left the ward, briefly waving before they disappeared along the corridor.

I saw my mobile phone on the bedside table, so manoeuvring the drip stand along with me I carefully moved around the bed and picked it up, using just my good hand I managed to text to Helen’s phone “Missing you already”, within a few moments my phone bleeped and message appeared on the screen I clicked on select and “Missing you too, all my love XXX”.

I worked my way back round the bed and sat on the new restored corner, it was only now that Helen had gone from view that I realised that at each parting I would have no way of knowing if we would see each other again and more tears fell from my bowed head forming wet patches on the floor where they fell.

Through the tears I noticed a blurred white shape approaching and as I looked up I could just make out the face of a nurse stood in front of me, there must have been a staff changeover I thought, she bent over and placed her hand gently on my shoulder and quietly asked me what was the matter, she had genuine compassion in her voice and through the sniffs and the sobs I managed to squeeze out what had gone on and how low I felt, I asked her if she could please pull the curtains around the bed as I just wanted to be on my own.

She said we might be able to do better than that and turned to walk away, I watched her disappear out of the ward and the next thing I heard was a clap of hands and her voice calling to the other night staff, I couldn’t catch what she was saying but about twenty minutes later she returned with two other nurses, they gathered my belongings from the bedside locker and the nurse in white helped me to my feet, she then put my gown around my shoulders and with her pushing the drip stand along side me we slowly paraded out of the ward and along the corridor in the opposite direction that I had come earlier.

This odd little group processed passed the admissions ward and then passed another ward, in both heads turned with inquisitive eyes to see what we were doing.

We came to a set of fire doors across the corridor, there was a window and an open door in the wall to my left and the nurse in white lead me into a private room with an all singing all dancing bed, an ensuite shower and toilet.

In the far wall there was a window with the curtains drawn shut, the over bed light was dimmed, the nurse in white said that this room had become free and I was the one in most need of it’s quiet surroundings.

My belongings were stowed away once more and the nurse in white helped me get on the bed and moved the drip stand near to me, she piled up the pillows behind me so that I was sat upright and showed me how the emergency call button worked, she then asked if I wanted to have an oxygen nose tube, when I said yes I thought it might help she went to locate one which she duly did and on her return fixed it into the wall socket behind the bed and fitted it to my face.

This was a surreal time for me and my religious education had pretty much petered out after I left Sunday school but I am pretty sure I know what to look for in angels and this apparition in white seemed to have all the right attributes even though I was unable tick the wings box.

The nurse in white drew the curtains to the corridor window and shut the door on her way out, for the first time in three days I was left entirely on my own, I was too tired to think and quickly fell asleep, however it wasn’t long before I came crashing awake again gasping for air as though I was drowning and after gaining some composure I decided to pull a blanket around myself and sit in the lounge chair with my head laid on the side of the bed and like this I managed some sleep.

I never asked the nurse her name and don’t remember ever seeing her again after this happened but I very much appreciated what she had done for me which must have been near to a miracle in today’s health service.

I woke fairly early after a short spell of deep sleep with a very stiff neck and shoulder from laying with my upper body prone on the bed, at first in the half grey light I wasn’t sure where I was but the awfulness of the previous day came readily to mind, I straightened up and determined to give my brain something else to do I set about ‘discovering’ my new room.

Just then the functioning of the hospital began in earnest with the ‘early’ nurse coming  into the room, first she carried out the ceremony of opening the curtains which let in the day, then she checked my saline drip, when she saw that bag was empty she removed the line and I was left sat on the edge of the bed free from attachments so I started to examine the detail of my surroundings for the first time.

The room was basically square and with the curtains opened I was able to see that the window looked out onto a closed roof top courtyard area and although it faced onto three red brick walls if I laid on the bed I could see the sky and today was looking like it was going to be bright and sunny.

It must have been about 3.5m x 3.5m and in the wall facing the foot of the bed there was a door which lead into the ensuite shower room, on the wall opposite the outside window there was another window which overlooked and gave borrowed light to the corridor and the bed head wall had all the paraphernalia of a hospital ward with the pipes, sockets, switches and lights you would expect plus an angle poise flat screen television, each of the windows had sets of curtains so privacy would not be a problem.

The colour of the room was generally a mid blue, there was the high backed arm chair that  I had slept in along with the over bed trolley table and a cupboard under the window to the corridor, altogether I thought that it compared favourably with some of the hotel rooms I had stayed in over the years and I came to the conclusion that if I had to die somewhere then this small warm private cocoon of a room would be better than some places I could think of and I took a strange kind of comfort in this thought.

I managed to get myself through my ablutions without having to drag the wheeled drip stand with me and avoided knocking the cannula in the back of my left hand which was still quite painful, I then changed into a clean nightshirt, put on my towelling dressing gown and sat back down in the bedside chair and waited for Helen.

I looked down and saw the blue script ‘HHH’ on the breast pocket of the gown and fond memories of the wonderful weekend Helen and I had spent at the Hartwell House Hotel in Buckinghamshire came to mind, I had bought the robe as a memento and smiled as I remembered that no sooner had I brought the garment home than the ‘HHH’ had become the families acronym for ‘His Holy Highness’ whenever I wore it.

Apart from the bed making duo I saw no-one else, so time dragged by until Helen arrived, I could have texted her about the new room but I wanted to see if the change of location could even for a brief moment help to lift the hollow eyed expression that haunted her face.

After her initial surprise she managed a smile and asked how it had come about, I explained what had happened and she said that she was so glad that we would have privacy over the coming weeks and that later she would try and find out the name of the nurse in the white uniform so that we could thank her.

Helen told me that she had managed to get hold of our other daughter Kate who had emigrated to New Zealand with her husband Gary and our two grandchildren Ruby and Ivy, she said that Kate was extremely upset and was making arrangements to fly over to see me as soon as she could.

Helen asked whether had I managed to get any sleep and I told her how I had sat in the chair with my upper body laid across the bed which had allowed me to get some fitful dozing between the coughing, but that now after nearly five days of not having a drink I felt so very thirsty and was worried that I might lose the ability to swallow altogether so when the tea trolley came she suggested that maybe I should try to have some milky tea to see if I could swallow that, after all I had managed to swallow the jam yesterday.

With a mug of warm tea in hand there followed a period of what can only be described as extreme tea drinking with me attempting all sorts of contortions with the cup even to the extent of trying to drink out of the back of it as you do when you have hiccups, but all to no avail.

Every attempt ended in a coughing fit with tea dripping off my chin and hands and leaving a large stain on my towelling dressing gown and night shirt, Helen caringly wiped the spilt tea from me each time with tissues from the ever present box, I explained that I could not feel where the lukewarm tea was in my mouth and throat so she suggested that I try some cold water which although I could feel where it was proved every bit as impossible to get down my throat as the tea.

After a few disastrous minutes it was decided that tea drinking was not the best of ideas and we gave up, I changed out of the tea stained dressing gown and night shirt and had to put on one I had worn the day before so that Helen could take the dirty ones home for washing.

I got back onto the bed and Helen sat in the chair, there was a knock and the door opened, the consultant came in and said that it was the start of his rounds and that he had called in to let me know he would like to run some more tests to see how things were progressing he also said that he had arranged for me to have a nasogastric tube inserted so that I could be fed using a pump which would give me sufficient nourishment plus all of the fluids I would need.

He then left and we were on our own again and after skirting around each others emotions with small talk it came to the point where the conversation had to deal with the serious matters that lay ahead of us, Helen said that every time she left the hospital her mind was all over the place and so to make sense of things she was going to have to make lists of what needed to be done, with that she reached into her voluminous handbag and pulled out a lined note book and pen.

I first told her that I needed to see Matt my business partner to discuss what was going to happen to the company, I then said that I needed to see my good friend Bill as he had offered me a senior position working together in our Masonic Lodge for the year starting in December which I would not now be able to fulfil.

Helen was leaning over the pad as she wrote and I saw a tear fall from her eye onto the page as she started to consider the awful task of having to talk to the extended family, our friends and the people we were linked with through our work and my masonry, I reached over and took her hand she looked up and her eyes were brim full, she leaned forward in the chair and placed her head on my arm and quietly sobbed, as we carried on producing the list I too started to fully appreciate the way that my life was going to peter out, the plans that would not be fulfilled, the people I might never get to see again, we stopped and sat in reflective silence for a few seconds, but then we realised that we had to continue.

The next two items were the worst of all to list, firstly I asked her to make contact with our solicitor and ask if he would come into hospital so that I could update my will and secondly for her to get hold of Alan (P) my friend since primary school who had been several years in the undertaking business, he had at my request and in my opinion valiantly undertaken the responsibility of preparing my son Justin and officiating at his funeral some 15 years previously in consequence of an incident with a car and I hoped that he could find it within himself to do the same for me.

With that Helen put the pen and pad back in her handbag, she had no wish to check the list twice, she then leaned over so that her head was just under my chin I put my good arm across her shoulders and we again stayed like this in quiet contemplation until a there was a knock at the door.

Helen said “Come in “ and the door was opened by Gordon who ran the clay pigeon shooting club I belonged to and who also worked for the facilities management company that ran the hospital, he had just started to ask how I was when a nurse came in saying that she had to do my ‘obs’ but that she could give us some time if we needed, Gordon said that he would come back later and Helen said that this would be a good time to go home so that she could put the washing on and make a start on some of the phone calls, I asked her if she would be OK, she sighed that she would and left as the nurse completed noting the relevant data on the bed chart.

I was on my own again and the earlier listing of requests and the inevitability of the outcomes had markedly changed my mood, I blanked out the normal hospital noises around me and my thoughts turned once more to trying to envisage how the end would come, how much pain I might be in and most of all how would I know when it was over, I puffed up the pillows, laid out on my left side and closed my eyes.

I came to sometime later, I could see the clouds against a blue sky through the courtyard window and for the briefest of moments I felt that I must have been having a bad dream but then as I looked around at the hospital paraphernalia that surrounded me I quickly fell back into the dark mood I had earlier.

There was a knock at the door and Richard, a friend from the village came into the room, but I said that I wasn’t really up to seeing anyone at the moment, he said he understood and placed an envelope on the over bed table said his goodbyes and left, when later I opened the envelope I found contained a lovely card with kind comments referring to an ongoing village project which I had been involved with in my role as Chairman of the Parish Meeting.

Later in the afternoon two people in white coats entered the room and stood at the foot of the bed, they introduced themselves as trainee doctors, one was a shortish, about 5’6”, a stocky man of Asian extraction with a round clean shaven face whose spoken voice made me think that he had probably been born and educated in the UK while the other was taller probably 6’0” plus, he was thinner with an accent that made me think that he was probably an overseas student from India or Pakistan, he wore glasses with thick black rims and he had quite an exuberant moustache.

Both wore stethoscopes around their necks seemingly as a badge of recognition of their status as doctors, but in all the time they dealt with me I never actually saw either of them use the instruments for their intended purpose.

They confirmed that they had come to fit the nasogastric tube which they had brought with them along with an open cardboard box containing a pump and some see through plastic packs of what seemed to be liquidised porridge which they placed on the over bed table that they had moved to the end of the bed, they asked me if I would please move onto the chair which I did.

The taller one of the two seemed to want to take control, he cleaned his hands with alcohol gel and then opened one of the packs taking out a coiled thin plastic tube which he unrolled and placing one end in my lap he proceeded to measure what length was required by holding it against my stomach and then my chest followed by my neck and cheek up to my nose, I can’t remember if or how he marked the tube, he may have just held the position with his thumb and forefinger.

With the shorter doctor bent forward close into me staring up my nose the other doctor squeezed some lubricant from an applicator onto the end of the tube and then also leaning in close he proceeded to insert it into my left nostril and very slowly and tentatively started to push the rest of the tube into my nose, from the corner of one eye I could see that Helen had arrived and was watching most amused at the scene before her and as I turned my eyes forward all I could see was the sleeve of a white coat, a slowly moving hand, three wide open eyes, half a pair of glasses and a moustache all in very close proximity as progress of the tube became a very intensely observed operation.

All the time the tube was being inserted I was asked to please keep swallowing and whether the process was at all uncomfortable or did I need them to stop, but things went fine and once they got to the predetermined point on the tube they both stood upright and smiled first at me then at each other, obviously very pleased that the tube had been inserted without incident, then with a small plaster the tube was stuck to my left cheek.

They said that they now had to take me to the X-ray department to have a picture taken of my abdomen to see that the tube was in the right place, the taller doctor asked the other one to go and locate a wheelchair and he disappeared out of the door to return with one a short time later, he looked at his colleague, then the wheelchair and then at me, the look on his face suggested that he was quite pleased with himself that he had found one so quickly.

They helped me transfer from one chair to the other and then with some gusto they pushed me at fair speed down the corridor to the X-ray department where I was taken straight into a room while the doctors waited outside, I was asked to stand in front of a vertical panel and the radiologist moved the equipment into position then stood behind a screen, I was told to hold my breath.