A DEATH TO DIE FOR (8 page)

I had actually had a reasonable nights sleep and only woke when the ‘early’ nurse came into the room, when she opened the curtains I could see that the weather was set to be fair, I looked at my phone to see if anyone had texted me and saw the date and realised that it was Dad’s birthday, he had died in 1974, I remembered that the last time I saw him alive he was laying unconscious in a hospital bed in Winchester, I said to myself ‘Happy Birthday Dad, see you soon’ and raised an imaginary glass in toast to his memory.

Hospitals become strange places at the weekend, the routines and faces change, there is far less hustle and bustle and the people you have come to trust to stick needles in you each day have gone and as very few of the staff know what has happened to you each one that arrives at your bedside wants to know about your condition and when you have very little voice at all you wish that you could hang a placard with the details on it round your neck to save having to repeat the story so many times.

The only text was the one that Helen had sent the previous evening and as I knew that folk would be arriving from about 10.00amI decided to get going, the feed bag was not empty so I switched the pump off and  disconnected the NG tube and headed to the shower.

I made a special effort to wash and shave this morning and with my one good arm managed to rinse through my hair, however cleaning my teeth with a brush proved to be a complete no no so using my finger I rubbed toothpaste around the inside of my cheeks and by leaning forward over the basin I was able to rinse the residue away, I even managed to dig out the deodorant spray from my wash bag and gave my underarms a squirt, after all there was going to be a lot of close proximity today and me being smelly wasn’t the last memory I wanted people to have of me.

I put on a pair of track suit bottoms and struggled into a polo shirt so that I would look reasonable for people when they arrived, I moved the chair as far back as I could without interfering with the feed pump and then sat down and reconnected my NG tube however realising that there was still quite some time to wait and feeling apprehensive of how today would turn out I stood up and moved the TV to where I could see it, plugged in the earphones and watched another documentary to try and take my mind off of things and settle my nerves.

Helen and Alex arrived a bit early, I think as much as anything Helen wanted to make sure that I was presentable for the visitors and then Andy arrived about twenty minutes later with nephews and nieces and other family members who proceeded to take up residence in the visitors lounge and Andy, as acting subaltern, marshalled them in small groups to come and visit me in my chair at the bedside, after a while one group would leave to be replaced by another and so it continued.

In the first round of visits some would arrive in tears while the faces of others showed the disbelief they found themselves in to find me in this parlous state and because of my throat and lack of a voice the conversation tended to be stilted with little exchanged beyond utterances of sympathy and how on earth this could be happening, but as the day wore on and people were on their second or third visit the topic of conversation became lighter and towards late afternoon we were managing to reminisce about the past and the good times we had spent in each others company, so although it had been stressful at the beginning of the visits as time went on we could find little things to smile about and the mood was a more relaxed.

Helen for the most part stayed to comfort and bolster me but the emotion of it all would get to her from time to time and she would have to leave to regain her own composure before she could return.

Early in the afternoon my business partner from Southampton came to see me, we talked briefly of what would happen to the company after I had gone but it was not a subject that either of us wanted to dwell on, however in order to keep things on an even keel he asked me to give him the access codes to my computer records so that he could see what appointments he may have to cancel, invoices to send, money to chase etc. so with Andy’s help I made a list and after assuring me that whatever happened he would make sure that Helen would be looked after by the company he left to go to the house and sort out what he could

By about 6.00pm I was feeling very tired and my irritating coughing fits were becoming more frequent,  it was now dark outside and some of the visitors had already made their way back to the house to start preparing food for the others that were to stay overnight so Helen suggested to Andy that as it had been a long day for everyone, particularly me, it would be best if I had some peace and quiet so that I could be ready for the visiting again tomorrow.

After all the goodbyes and hand waves as people left I received a final hug and a kiss from Helen and I was once again on my own, but my head was still swimming with the thoughts and sounds of the day and all the people who had been there and the things that had been discussed so I laid on the bed and swung the TV around and clicked through the channels until I found another historic piece and just steeped my overactive brain cells in the programmes narration to calm things down.

Half an hour or so went by and realising that I was not following the programme at all I flicked the switch on the TV to off, removed my earphones and as I laid back onto the pillows it surfaced in my consciousness that for some of those who had visited today and who I had known for the greater part of my life, tomorrow would probably be the last time we would set eyes on each other I started to feel very sad indeed.

I was still in this reflective mood when the nurse came in to give me my night time NG food bag and injections, so that the tubes and wires could be connected the nurse helped me put on a nightshirt and I got into bed, once the nurse had sorted out the technical stuff she informed me that they had run out of atropine patches and would not be able to chase up a new supply until Monday, I told her that I was concerned at this news because it was only the drying effect of the patches that was keeping my throat clear of mucus and allowed me to get any reasonable sleep.

She was very apologetic but said there was nothing she could do and as she left closing the door on her way out she said that she hoped that I would not be too badly effected.

Frustrated and with no-one else to talk to I found my phone and texted the information to Helen she texted back that she would try and sort something out for me when she came to the hospital tomorrow and sent me all her love with a line of XXXXXs.

I laid on the bed with the light dimmed, a pile of pillows keeping my head nearly upright and in this way the first part of the night didn’t go too badly but as time went by the niggling cough started and became a real problem once again.

Later I needed the loo so being careful that the food pump was unplugged from the electric socket and with the wheeled bag stand in hand I headed to toilet, there was just enough brightness to do all this without switching on the overhead light and on my return I decided to set the chair adjacent to the bed and move the pillows so that I could sleep head forward on the bed as I had done before and having plugged the food pump back into the electric socket and with its gentle whirring noise providing a soothing lullaby I managed to get some relief from the overwhelming tiredness I had felt following the long emotional day.

In the morning the ‘early’ nurse gently woke me and said that she was surprised to find me out of bed and asleep in the chair, she disconnected the empty food bag and opened the curtains, she asked me if I needed any help to get ready for the day ahead, I said thanks but I felt that I could manage.

Before leaving the room she turned and said that she liked my family and friends, I must have raised my eyebrows in a quizzical expression so she went onto explain that yesterday they had pretty much taken over the visitors room and sat around, chatting, reading or doing puzzles and had quietly come and gone so that they did not disturb other patients which had not always been the case in the past, I said that it was nice of her to mention it, she smiled and left.

I sorted my ablutions out and got dressed, a nurse came and took my ‘obs’ and then I sat in the chair and waited, Helen and Jim arrived first followed by Andy and the others.

There were also some new faces today, Helen said that she would go and see the nurse about the atropine patches and disappeared back into the corridor, she returned after a while and with a look of disappointment said that she had spoken to the nurse who had gone off to search for some patches but that there were none to be had so it would have to be sorted on Monday, not the news I had hoped for.

It must have been about lunch time when Alan (P) and his wife Sue arrived, I asked Andy if Helen and I could have a moment alone with them to discuss the funeral arrangements.

When the room had cleared I asked Alan to come close, I stood up from the chair and we embraced in the way that good friends do, I sat back in the chair and he on the edge of the bed, he told me that he was still trying to come to terms with my situation having known me for so long but that he had thought carefully about his telephone conversation with Helen and felt that he would be able to find the strength to sort out the funeral for us, I said how grateful we both were that he as someone who knew me so well would take over this responsibility from Helen, with that I stood up and embraced him once more.

Alan went on to say that rather than rush things today Helen and I should discuss the finer details of the funeral arrangements when we were quietly on our own and let him know the hymns and readings that we would like and any other requests that we might have Helen said that there was one thing she wanted to make sure of and that was that we should eventually be buried together and that to this end she wondered if Alan could locate a double burial plot for us at a graveyard somewhere, the actual geographical location was not important as long as it had some relevance to both our pasts and also it had to be on a hillside, this was essential to her and I had no reason to disagree.

Alan said he would look into the situation regarding the double plot and get back to us as soon as possible, so with these important things discussed Sue asked whether she should let the others back in now and went to find Andy to let him know.

Family and friends arrived at the bedside and departed back to the visitors lounge as conversations ebbed and flowed and then sometime around mid afternoon Andy said that he had received a text from Kate to say that she had landed safety in the UK and was now in a hire car heading towards the hospital, Helen was relieved and said to me that she just hoped that Kate was not too tired to drive safely for the onward journey.

Not long after receiving this news Joyce and Albert [Mother and Father-in-Law] visited for the first time, this was particularly poignant for me because after the deaths of my own parents many years before I had kept in touch with them almost as long distance surrogate parents and made them aware of the progress of my then family with Christmas cards and the like.

The pair of them had also been instrumental in Helen and I getting back together and Albert had told me in the past that he thought of me more as a son than a son-in-law, so these were the two people who I felt in the absence of my own Mum and Dad I needed to say goodbye to.

I could see that it was going to be as hard for them as it was for me and so I asked Andy if we could have some privacy and he again held the visitors in the waiting room while we talked for a good twenty minutes or so, but then afterwards Joyce was unable to cope with the emotion of it all and so they decided to make a move home saying that they would see me again soon.

 Helen opened another box of tissues and normal service was resumed, then around 6.00pm, Andy came from the waiting room and told us that Kate had ‘just arrived’ at the hospital and would be with us once the ravages of the journey had been attended to.

 However I knew that our Kate did not ‘just arrive’ anywhere, she enters and so it was that after a gruelling 12,000 mile flight from the other side of the world followed by a tiring 150 mile drive straight from the airport to the hospital Kate entered the room resplendent in her perfect make up and beautifully coiffured hair, she swept round the foot of the bed arriving at my bedside and being careful not to get her bag entangled in the NG tube bent forward and kissed me on the forehead, my heart gave up a little smile.

 Then the stress of travelling so far and of being in the company of her mum and siblings for the first time in a couple of years, plus actually seeing me laying in the hospital bed tolled on her, she squeezed my hand as tears welled up in her eyes and when she looked across the bed at Helen they over brimmed and small damp patches appeared on the bed cover.

 Andy seemed to instinctively understand that this was a family moment and quietly asked others in the room if they wouldn't mind giving us a few moments together and as they left with Andy following he closed the door leaving the five of us together for the first time in a long time.