A Dirty Shame (6 page)

“Well, you know Dickie,” Vaughn said. “He’ll make a mess of it first.”

“So did Jack invite you over for S’mores? We’re going to camp out on the third floor and pretend it’s a good place for me to live temporarily.”

“No, actually.” He seemed to have to collect himself for a minute and stared down into his empty mug. “I needed to come by and see you. There’s something important I wanted to talk to you about. I’d kill for another cup of coffee,” he said. “Maybe with some of that Irish whiskey you keep under the counter. This is harder than I thought it’d be.”

I nodded and grabbed the bottle from under the counter, giving each of our cups a shot.

“Are you in trouble, Vaughn?”

“No, not me, but maybe someone else.” He went pale and I noticed his skin was a little clammy.

I took a deep breath and felt the sweat break out on my own skin as I reached out to take his hand. A rolling sickness washed through me at the contact, but I pushed it away and gave his hand a little squeeze of comfort.

“What’s wrong? Are you sick? Did something happen?”

“That’s what I need to find out. I’ve heard gossip about the body you found this morning. Hell, you can’t help but hear the gossip, even in the next town. I didn’t pay much attention to the details as the store was crowded and I had two employees out sick. Everyone was mostly talking about you being back anyway. Your hair’s longer,” he said with a sad smile.

“We found a body,” I confirmed. “You know I can’t tell you much about it.”

“I just need to know—” He took a quick drink and then met my eyes. “They’re saying the victim is Daniel Oglesby. Is it true? Just tell me that much.”

My hand tightened on his and I shook my head. “Yeah, it’s him. We just confirmed for sure a few hours ago. I didn’t know you knew him.”

Vaughn pulled his hand away and wrapped it back around his cup, bringing it to his lips as if to hide. “We were close for a few months. Things didn’t work out between us.”

“Oh,” I said, the light beginning to dawn. “Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“God, Vaughn. I’m so sorry.”

Friendship warred with my personal needs, but I forced myself to get up and go to him. To put my arms around him and hold him close, even as my skin turned clammy and blackness hovered just on the edges of my consciousness. He dropped his head on my shoulder, and I felt the shudder run through him. And it was his pain that drove my own back. As many times as I’d had to deal with the grieving over the years, it was so much harder when the person hurting was someone you cared about.

“I had to make sure it was him,” he said.

“Of course you did.”

He lifted his head and his eyes were wet with unshed tears. There was despair there—grief and love—but there was also an anger that took me by surprise. Vaughn wasn’t one to lose control of his temper. Not ever. I let him go and went back to my stool, and I watched as he got up and began to prowl around the kitchen like some sort of caged animal.

“I think I knew it was him,” he finally said. “From the moment I got the news. Daniel was the one who wanted to break things off, you know.”

I stayed silent and just listened. He needed to get it all out.

“We cared about each other deeply, but he was afraid of what would happen if anyone found out. He wasn’t ashamed of what he was, but he was always aware of his position and the possible fallout. The church has come a long way in recent years, but he was still worried he’d lose his position. That those who needed him wouldn’t come to him because of what he was. It broke my heart to see him torn in two directions like that, but I didn’t blame him for making the decision he did. I loved him.”

Vaughn finally met my eyes. “I never told him that. It would have made it harder on both of us. I loved him, so when he said he was choosing the church over me I tried to understand. Tried to let it go.” He laughed to himself a little. “Ended up getting roaring drunk for the first time since we graduated high school. You remember that night?”

I smiled and said, “I remember you threw up in my car after two rum and cokes.”

“I never did get the hang of drinking.”

“It takes practice, I’m told.”

We stood there in silence for a few minutes. Him reflecting on a time of his life I hadn’t been a part of, while I tried to come to grips with what this news meant. It was suddenly crystal clear why Reverend Oglesby had been the victim of a hate crime. Things had improved in this part of the world over the last few years. Tolerance was slow but evolving. But like Jack said, we were still south of the Mason Dixon lines, and change was a little harder to swallow here and a lot slower to take place. I had a tendency to agree with the deceased. No matter how accepting the church was, a homosexual priest wouldn’t have fared well in this part of the country if he’d been made public. But it was obvious at least
someone
knew his secret.

“You’re going to have to talk to Jack,” I said. “He needs to know everything you can tell him.”

“I figured as much,” he said with a half smile. “That’s why I’m here. I didn’t think he’d stay away from you for long.”

I rolled my eyes. “I don’t need a damned babysitter. I’m perfectly fine on my own. I managed to function for thirty years by myself without anyone hovering over me.”

“Oh, well, okay then. I don’t know why I’ve been so worried these last months. You’re skin and bones and I could sleep in the bags under your eyes.”

“I’m kind of getting tired of people telling me that.”

“I’m just saying it wouldn’t hurt for you to get a good night’s sleep or eat a cheeseburger for God’s sake. And stop fighting Jack. You know you’ll feel better with him close by for a little while. The boy’s got it bad.” Vaughn arched an eyebrow and my mouth dropped open.

“You’ve lost your mind,” I said, nervous all of a sudden. I’d been doing pretty well putting off the feelings that had begun to stir between us before my accident. I was a champion at ignoring things I didn’t want to see or feel. I had plenty of practice from a lifetime of self-preservation growing up in the Graves household.

“Give the guy a break. It’s painful for the rest of us to watch. He was a bear to be around the whole time you were gone. You wouldn’t even recognize your house.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You haven’t been home yet?”

“Nothing good ever happened in that house that I can remember. And I don’t see any reason to keep it unless I want to use the little cove by the water to smuggle in stolen goods and drugs like my parents did. Though I’m pretty sure the FBI is still monitoring the area, so it probably wouldn’t be smart on my part to start the family business back up again.”

“You should at least see it before you decide what to do with it. He needed something to keep himself busy while you were gone, and it’s been a slow winter. You got a new roof and all the rotted wood was replaced. He hired a crew to repaint the outside and clear away some of the dead brush. Your central heat and air should be in good shape, and he had the floors refinished and the walls painted on the inside.”

To cover the blood stains
. We both knew the reason why that project was necessary.

“He’s been working on your kitchen lately. And he’s pretty damned territorial over the thing if you ask me. Something about pressed tin ceilings and industrial grade appliances.”

I felt my temper start to rise at the news. I’d all but had the thing sold and out of my hair. I’d been okay with never setting eyes on it again—not even to get my belongings from the inside.

“If the house is so great why didn’t Jack mention it when I told him I was going to sell it earlier?” I steamed.

“I don’t know,” Vaughn shrugged. “Maybe it has something to do with being stupid in love with you.”

“That’s ridiculous. Especially since Jack has loved a majority of the women in the state of Virginia.”

“Are you really that blind? Never mind—” he said, raising his hands in surrender. “I can see that you are when it comes to him. Let me impart some wisdom on you, my friend. When a man is friends, especially best friends, with a woman, it’s because he has an ulterior motive. I don’t care what they say.”

“Jack isn’t my only guy friend. How do you explain that?”

Vaughn propped his elbows on the table and held up one finger. “Easy. Take the four of us and analyze, young Jedi. Dickie is in love with himself, and he’s a snob, so he isn’t going to be thinking of the male/female dynamic when choosing his friends. Not to mention, he’s kind of a pain in the ass at times so he’s lucky we all put up with him.” He held up a second finger. “My reason is obvious. If you were a dude, those two dates we had in high school wouldn’t have been quite so awkward.”

“Maybe for you,” I said.

“Yes, well.” He held up a third finger. “Eddie was the wild card. He’s the quiet one, but he’s a nurturer by nature. He might have held a torch for you when we were younger, but he’s a smart guy and knew you and Jack had something special, so he went and found a perfectly nice wife who he’d never stray from.”

“This is ridiculous.” I felt the heat in my cheeks and was sure my face was red with embarrassment.

“Now let’s take Jack,” he said. “Jack’s got something special. We’ve all seen it. And I’ve wished more than once he was my type instead of yours, but that would just make things awkward because he’s definitely batting for your team. He hasn’t been nearly as
outgoing
as he’d like you to believe. I’m not saying the man’s been a monk all these years, but his reputation has been overblown a little. He was just waiting for you to come around and notice the spark. Me and Dickey and Eddie have had a bet going for years. Do me a favor and hold out a couple of months longer. I could use the extra money. Though maybe I should tell Dickie to fork over the cash now before he has to give it to Candy in the divorce.” Vaughn shrugged and looked at me apologetically. “Dickie’s the cynical one. He thinks you’ll turn Jack down because you’re a scaredy cat. His words, not mine.”

“Wh—what?” I asked, completely dazed. I felt like a truck had just run me over and left me flattened in the middle of the street. “Maybe I really am dead,” I said. “It’s the only thing that makes sense.”

“Good grief, Jaye. You know the man loves you. It’s no secret anymore. Not since before you left. We could all see the change between you.”

“Of course I know he loves me. All of you love me. What’s not to love? And I love you guys back, even though you’re a pain in the ass.”

I had the sudden urge to be doing anything else but having this particular conversation. I jerked open the refrigerator and stared into the empty space. There wasn’t even a bottle of ketchup inside. I slammed it closed and stood with my back to Vaughn.

“J.J.,” he said with a sigh. “You’re running scared. Let me tell you from experience that love should never be ignored or neglected. It’s too rare and precious.” His voice choked up and I lay my head against the refrigerator door at the emotion in his voice. It was hard to listen to.

“You know what I came from,” I said. “How the hell do I know what love really is? And why would I subject anyone to what happens after? Why am I alive, Vaughn? Everyone in my family is dead. Do you realize that in the past six generations of my family, not one of my relatives has lived past the age of fifty? That honor belonged to my parents. Everyone before them died much younger. Not to mention I have a gene pool that would make Satan run away screaming.”

I focused on the breathing as I felt the clawing blackness of shame, bitterness and debilitating fear creep around inside of me. It would rip me open and devour me whole if I let it, but I’d gotten better at controlling those emotions and pushing them back. I couldn’t lose control yet. I’d end up on huddled on the floor like all the times before.

“I should’ve died,” I said, my voice steady for once. “I know that just as sure as I know I’m standing here. And I accepted it when Jeremy Mooney’s hands were wrapped around my throat. You know what I was thinking the whole time I was dying, Vaughn? Do you?”

Vaughn had gotten very quiet, and I turned around to face him.

“I thought,
Thank God
. Someone besides me has finally decided that nothing good has ever come from my family. I didn’t particularly want to die, but I understood there was a certain price to be paid for everyone who’d come before me.”

“Bullshit, Jaye.”

I stopped in my tracks because Vaughn never cursed. He never got angry. Except tonight apparently.

“Yes, you’ve got a hell of a gene pool. Your parents were felons. Your grandparents were assholes. And no one with the last name of Graves, as far as I know, understood the meaning of compassion or how to love and protect the people closest to them. They were the bad seeds. Not you. You got all the good that they should’ve had.”

“I can’t talk about this now,” I said, wiping at my eyes. God, I
hated
crying. I never cried. It was a useless reaction to things that were out of my control.

“And that’s okay. Just know that any of us will be here if you need us. And we’ll listen. I’m going to give you one piece of advice,” he said. There was no sign of the teasing man I’d known most of my life. Only a face filled with sorrow and honesty. “If I had to do it all over again I would have fought harder for Daniel. I wouldn’t have let him walk away without letting him know how I really felt. My pride got hung up in it. He might have made a different decision if I’d told him. We might have come to a compromise, or he might have still walked away. But I’ll never know because I let him walk without fighting for him. And now he’s dead. He might still be alive if I hadn’t been such a coward.”