A Dream of Desire (22 page)

Talia’s anxiety eased a bit as he lifted his head, his eyes filled with both lust and affection. He held her gaze as he gathered her shift and began to ease it up past her thighs, sliding his hand beneath it to touch the warmth of her torso before stopping. Talia knew what he was waiting for, and she pulled the shift over her head in one movement.

“God, Talia…” James’s eyes glazed with lust as he stared at her bare breasts and the tapered curve of her waist.

Emboldened by the heat of his gaze, Talia pushed her drawers off, and then for the first time she was naked in front of a man…in front of the only man she had ever loved and ever would love. She rose to one elbow and brought her mouth to his. After another few minutes of delicious kissing, she felt James’s hand probing gently between her thighs.

“James…”

“Wait,” he whispered against her mouth. “If you’ll let me…”

His thumb brushed against a spot that shocked her with a jolt of arousal; then he pressed his finger inside her. Talia swallowed an instinctive protest, forcing her muscles to loosen. He kissed her again, twining his tongue with hers as he pushed another finger into her and worked her with a deliberate intent toward…

Talia gasped, jerking away from him as a sudden pain spasmed through her. James withdrew his fingers, but kept his thumb circling around the knot where Talia’s pleasure was centered. She tensed, bewildered by the confusing mixture of lingering pain and pleasure.

James murmured a soothing noise, his breath hot as he trailed his lips across her cheek and down to her neck. He licked the damp hollow of her throat as he worked his fingers faster, the simultaneous sensations causing heat to blaze across Talia’s skin. A moan escaped her. She parted her legs wider, straining toward the completion of this mounting urgency. Then the pressure broke and she cried out James’s name, an explosion of stars crashing through her blood.

He captured her cries with his mouth, his tongue sliding over her lower lip as the movement of his fingers slowed. Talia twisted beside him, gasping, already craving that incredible rapture again. She rose to her elbows, stunned by the smoldering look in his eyes.

“Is there…” She swallowed to ease her parched throat. “Is there more?”

James gave a pained laugh, drawing her to him to brush his lips across her cheek. “Oh, there’s more, sweet Talia. So much more.”

She pressed her hand to his chest, feeling his heart thumping wildly against her palm. “Show me.”

His breath escaped on a groan as he grasped her wrist and guided her hand down his abdomen. Talia brushed her fingers against the heavy bulge in his trousers. Curiosity sparked in her as she unfastened the buttons—all apprehension fading in the wake of this extraordinary heat and pleasure. She reached into his trousers and touched the smooth, pulsing stalk.

“I want to see you.”

His jaw clenched as he shifted to rid himself of his trousers. Talia stared at the length of his erection, her heart lurching with both trepidation and excitement at the thought of him pushing inside her. She took a breath and wrapped her hand around his shaft, tracing the pulsing veins and hard knob with her fingertips.

When James let out another muffled groan, Talia stopped to look at him. His face was flushed, his chest damp, and his jaw still clenched in resistance. God, but he was beautiful, all sweaty and disheveled, his hot gaze drinking in the sight of her naked body.

“Should I…?” She suddenly wanted to give him as much pleasure as he’d already given her. “What should I do?”

“Just…touch me.” He reached to wrap her fingers tighter around him, then guided her hand up and down the length of his shaft. “Like that.”

He shifted again to ease her onto her back, half on top of her. Talia parted her thighs, knowing at least this part of the intimate act, but James didn’t move between them. He stayed at her side, one hand delving into her hair as she stroked her hand over his erection and urged him toward the same exquisite completion he’d given her.

He thrust into the vise of her fist. Talia squirmed, turning to open her mouth beneath his as her breasts crushed against his chest and the sound of their breath filled the air. He pressed his face against the side of her neck as she increased the speed of her stroking. Then a hard shudder coursed through him, his growl rumbling against her skin as his seed spilled onto her belly.

Renewed urgency coiled around Talia as she loosened her hold on him. James wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer. She rubbed her hot cheek against his chest, her blood filling with the scent and feel of him.

“Don’t you want to…” Her voice trailed off.

“More than you know.” He stroked her tangled hair away from her face. Tension laced his body. “But I’m not such a bastard that I’ll put you at that kind of risk.”

Talia settled against him, fitting her curves to his side. She slid her hand over his chest and tried to ignore all the underlying implications of his statement.

Silence fell. James coiled a lock of her long hair around his finger.

“I’ll see about procuring a special license,” he finally said. “So we can marry before I leave in June.”

Talia’s heart froze. For a moment, she couldn’t move.

“Marry?” She forced the word through her tight throat.

“I’ll not dishonor you by taking advantage of your virtue without marrying you.”

“Taking…” The cold spread from her heart through her veins, freezing all the lovely warmth still lingering throughout her body. She pulled away from him and reached for her discarded shift, trying to stop her voice from trembling with anger. “You didn’t take advantage of me, James. I offered myself to you.”

He rose on his elbows to watch her as she pulled the shift over her head. “All the more reason we should marry soon.”

“And I didn’t do this with the expectation that we’d
marry
,” Talia snapped.

Her hands shook as she strode to the wardrobe and grabbed a dress that buttoned up the front. She slipped it on and fastened it closed, her breath coming in shallow bursts.

“Then what?” James pulled on his trousers, a current of irritation filling the air around him. “I won’t be the kind of husband you deserve…I
can’t
be…but I swear to you I will do everything in my power to ensure your security and happiness. You will have whatever you desire. I’ll give your school enough money so the union can hire someone else to run the reformatory—”

“Stop.” An ache cracked open in Talia’s heart, so painful that she had to grab the wardrobe door to steady herself. “You…you think I’ll agree to marry you and stop my work with the school simply because we’ve been intimate? Do you not know me at all, James?”

He stared at her, his hands fisting at his sides. “You’re the one who confessed your love for me, Talia. You said you
wanted
to marry me.”

“Over a year ago! And I haven’t spent all these months sitting in my room pining over you. I haven’t been hoping you would return to London and change your mind about marrying me.” A sudden, jagged thought stabbed her. She stared at him. “God, James. Did you think I was trying to
trap
you?”

“No! I thought…dammit, Talia.” James paced across the room, his bare shoulders bunching with tension. “Ever since I returned, I’ve been trying to stay away from you, trying to pretend I haven’t wanted you so badly my blood burns. But I can’t fight it anymore, not with you. I’ll give you whatever you want,
anything
, if you’ll marry me and—”

“Do your bidding,” Talia finished, her voice dull.

“My only request is that, at the very least, you work with the reformatory school at a distance that befits a woman of your status.”

Talia pressed her hands to her eyes. “You sound like Alexander. Like my father.”

“It is not an unreasonable request.”

“And if I refuse?”

“Agree, and I give you my word Northwood will never know of your ventures to Wapping.” His voice tightened. “You deserve better than me, but with our marriage you’ll never again have to contend with overfamiliar young men, never have to wonder what people think of you, never have to choose usefulness over respectability. You will have your own household, an unlimited allowance, the security of marriage, and I hope the approval of your father and brothers.”

Talia lowered her hands to look at him. His hands were fisted at his sides, his expression dark. The ache in her heart expanded, breaking through the walls she’d tried so hard to construct. The walls meant to keep James out.

“If I truly sought all of those things,” she said, “I could marry any number of men. Lord Ridley, for one.”

His jaw clenched. “You will not marry Ridley, Talia, no matter what—”

He stopped, his gaze moving past her shoulder suddenly. A frown creased his forehead. Talia turned to see that he was looking at the open doors of her wardrobe. Too late, she realized what had caught his attention.

Her heart lurched. She hurried to slam the doors shut, but James reached them first. He pushed one door open and reached inside to grab a garment off a hook. He pulled it out and stood staring at it in shock.

Talia swallowed hard, crushing the folds of her skirt in her fists. Anxiety and embarrassment twisted through her stomach.

James extended the coat. “This is mine.”

Certainly there was no point in lying. “You gave it to me that…that afternoon at Floreston Manor.”

A blush crawled over her neck.

James looked at her with bafflement. “And you kept it?”

“It seemed…pointless to discard a perfectly good coat.” Talia almost winced at the ridiculousness of the remark. Nothing could account for a woman keeping a man’s coat as if it were a precious keepsake, except if she believed that it
was
.

She took the coat from him and hung it back in the closet, smoothing her hand over the soft wool that still held the scents of cinnamon and tea.

“This is why I offered myself to you,” she confessed. There would never come a time when she could be less than truthful with him. “Because I told you the truth when I said I’ve often thought of you and dreamed of you. Because even now, I trust you. But I will not marry you.”

“You’ve kept my coat for over a year, Talia! Surely that means you still feel something for me.”

“I won’t marry you, James.”

His eyes sparked. “Why not?”

“Because you will never love me,” Talia said, the words breaking like glass in her mouth. “And because I don’t want to love you anymore.”

She turned, unable to look at him any longer, and left the room.

J
ames scrubbed at his sore eyes. He didn’t think he’d slept at all in the two days since his encounter with Talia. “What about early departure?”

“Doesn’t look promising, I’m afraid,” Mr. Graham said. “We can get the equipment loaded, but Dr. Yarrow’s schedule prevents him from leaving London before the tenth, and you still need to secure a second medical officer.”

“Find me someone quickly, then. I’ll speak to Yarrow.”

Graham blinked. “Don’t you wish to interview the candidates yourself?”

“No. Just ensure he’s qualified and understands the position.” James jerked his head toward the door. “Go.”

Graham gathered his belongings and stood, still looking baffled as he headed out the door. James tried to focus on the papers strewn across his desk, but the columns and rows blurred in front of him. His head ached. He couldn’t even grasp the things flying like gnats through his brain—snippets of details, tasks, plans…all sinking beneath the overwhelming, overpowering thoughts of Talia.

He stared at the papers. Graham had drafted a letter to the bank authorizing a sizable donation to the Ragged School Union, but James hadn’t yet signed it. He had the sick feeling that as much as the union could use the money, Talia would find the gesture an utter insult.

Which, in some way, it probably was.

He groaned and pressed his hands to his eyes again. She’d kept his letters. She’d kept everything he’d ever brought back for her. Bloody hell. She’d kept his
coat
. He wished to heaven he had something of hers he could have kept close.

He wished above all else he had the courage to tell her he loved her. To confess that thoughts of her had only ever made him happy, that anticipation had flared inside him whenever he was going to see her again. He wished he could tell her the secret wish of his heart, the one he’d never dared to acknowledge until now, that some miracle would occur and allow him to live the rest of his life with her.

His throat constricted.

“Lady Sally, milord.” Polly’s voice broke into his thoughts.

James lifted his head and stood as Lady Sally entered the room. Polly dipped into an awkward curtsy.

Sally gave the girl an indulgent smile as she passed. “Good morning, James. The place looks wonderful since the last time I was here. Talia does have a nice touch, does she not?”

James swallowed hard. That was an understatement. His mind flashed to memories of Talia’s slender fingers gliding over his chest, wrapping around his—

“You passed a pleasant morning?” Sally asked as she settled into a chair before the desk.

He struggled to nod. His morning had been bitter with regret and self-recrimination.

“Tea, Lady Sally?” he managed to ask.

“No, thank you, James. I’m on my way to pay a call on Lady Hamilton, but I wanted to stop and let you know that things are progressing well with Lord Ridley.”

Bloody hell.
The woman was going to talk to him about Ridley
now
?

“Er, my lady, I’m in the middle of—”

“Yes, yes. I’ll be out of your hair in a moment, James.” Sally leaned forward, her eyes crinkling at the corners. “Lord Ridley does seem to have taken to Talia. Why, he’s coming this afternoon to take us to the British Museum, which led me to believe you must have informed him how Talia enjoys the Egyptian displays. Then he’s taking us to the Albion afterward for tea. Isn’t that lovely?”

James tried not to grit his teeth. “Lovely.”

“Talia speaks of him quite often too, though she’s still a bit guarded. To be expected, I suppose. Rushton isn’t scheduled to return until the end of August, so we’ve plenty of time to get matters settled.”

James clenched his jaw. “Settled, my lady?”

“To ensure Talia and Ridley’s agreement. I’m certain Ridley and Lord Greenburg will wish to discuss the matter with Rushton.”

“Perhaps it’s best if it’s not rushed,” James said.

“Oh, Talia would never allow that,” Sally agreed. “That’s why I’m thankful we’ve another few months left. By the end of July, she might see what a good match she’s found in Ridley. Except…”

Her voice trailed off. James looked up.

“Except?” he said.

“Oh, nothing.” Sally waved her hand dismissively.

James’s jaw ached. “Except
what
, my lady?”

“Well, it’s a bit silly but…” Sally sighed. “I’ve spoken to Talia recently about my own marriage to my beloved Harold. You remember him, don’t you? Wonderful man. And I’m afraid I might have given Talia the notion that
her
marriage should be one of mutual respect, love, and…well, passion.”

“Passion?”

“Yes.” Sally leaned forward, fixing him with her gaze. “And while Lord Ridley is delightful, I’m afraid I might have misjudged the degree of
passion
he inspires in Talia. I do fear she might hold out for a husband who will provide her with all three of those qualities…in
plenty
.”

That notion sank into James like a claw.

Sally rustled around gathering her gloves. “I still would like to pursue this plan with Lord Ridley, James, but matters haven’t progressed so far that we can’t change our minds. If one of us happens to come up with another more suitable candidate, you know.”

James narrowed his eyes. Sally gave him a bland smile.

“Keep thinking on it, would you?” she asked. “As will I, of course. Remember—mutual respect, love, and
passion
. Shall I write it down for you?”

“Er, no. No, that won’t be necessary.”

Sally waved her fingers at him and headed for the door. “Much obliged to you, James. No need to see me to the door. Do take a rest, if you feel the need. You’re looking a bit peaked.”

She bustled off. James rested his head in his hands. He didn’t care if all of civilization were at stake. He
would not
seek out another man for Talia who could provide her with love and goddamned
passion
.

He shook his head. This business with Ridley was difficult enough. James tried not to imagine his friend with Talia, but of course it was impossible. He imagined them seated beside each other in the carriage, walking together in the museum, their heads bent as they discussed mummies and hieroglyphics…

A growl rumbled in his chest. Although she’d resisted the idea until now, Talia knew that marriage would be a benefit to her—she’d all but told James so. It was marriage to
him
that was an anathema.

Which was exactly how he should
want
her to feel.

James pushed away from his desk and paced to the windows. As frantically as he shoved things around in his fogged brain, he could discern no solution. He abhorred the idea of Talia going anywhere near another man, let alone marrying one, but there was no feasible way to make her marry
him
.

And if he tried to bully her into it by threatening to tell Alexander the truth of the Brick Street school…well, Talia would either call his bluff or resent him for the rest of their lives. Or both.

Which meant James had to leave Talia well enough alone. He gave a short nod as he convinced himself of that indisputable fact. He would leave London as scheduled—earlier, if he could arrange it—return to Russia and make a special trip to visit Northwood in St. Petersburg.

There he would fulfill his promise by giving North all the details of the Brick Street reformatory school; then he would return to his ship and set course for the Amur Valley. North could handle things as he saw fit, and Talia would contend with her eldest brother as she always had. Perhaps her possible engagement to Ridley would soften North’s displeasure.

Good. And James would…

Run away.

He almost winced as Talia’s voice whispered in his head. He clenched his fingers on the windowsill. Let her think what she wanted. If she blamed him for seducing her, for wreaking havoc in her life…fine. He’d take the blame if it would ensure her safety and security.

This time, he wouldn’t fail. He would protect Talia the way he hadn’t done for his own mother. Even if she hated him for it.

“Quite admirable, my lady.” Lord Margate stepped closer to Talia. “Taking a boy like that under your wing. I hope he appreciates it.”

Talia tried to smile. Word had gotten round that the magistrate had granted her guardianship request for Peter Colston. Rather to Talia’s surprise, at this evening’s ball, several members of the
ton
had approached her with remarks of approval, saying that such an act clearly demonstrated her commitment to the reformatory cause. Though the praise made her a bit uncomfortable, Talia wasn’t so noble that she didn’t foresee how this might turn opinion in favor of Brick Street.

“The House committee meeting is next week,” she told Margate. “I hope I can count on your support.”

“Of course. Perhaps we can discuss it in less public surroundings soon.”

“Perhaps.” Talia eased away from him with a murmured excuse and went to find Aunt Sally.

“Enjoying your evening, my lady?”

Talia smiled as Lord Ridley approached, extending a glass of champagne. Unlike Margate, Ridley was a very nice man in whose company she felt comfortable. He was handsome too, with a broad smile and twinkling eyes. He’d only ever treated her with the utmost respect and courtesy, which was certainly more than she could say for James Forester.

Her heart thumped at the thought of him. She ignored the hot flash of memory, the image of her body twined with his atop her white counterpane…

“Don’t you think so?” Ridley asked.

“Oh, er…I beg your pardon?”

“I said the new exhibit at the Zoological Gardens ought to be interesting.”

“Yes, of course.”

“Perhaps you will allow me to escort you one day next week?”

Say yes!

The order shouted in Talia’s brain. She was finished with James Forester. Ridley was a lovely man from a good family. She liked both his parents, who seemed more than pleased to accept her; Rushton would heartily approve of the match; she would gain a respectable union for herself and her family…

A tingle of awareness ran down Talia’s spine. She glanced over Ridley’s shoulder to where James was crossing the room. Her traitorous body surged with heat at the sight of his tall, lean figure, her blood warming at the thought of his fingers exploring between her legs…

God in heaven.
She tilted her head back and downed two swallows of champagne.

Surely James wasn’t the only man who could make her feel such things. Why, Ridley must have a similar expertise, even if he didn’t exactly inspire the flood of arousal that James did.

Still, given some time and intimacy…of course she and Ridley would be able to generate the same kind of crackling attraction. Of course she would be aroused by the sight of his bare chest; of course he would have her moaning and gasping with one gliding touch…

“Poisonous frogs, they said, which shoot venom,” Ridley remarked, plucking another glass from a server. “Ought to be quite fascinating.”

“Fascinating,” Talia echoed.

She tried to focus on him again, feeling guilty and annoyed with herself for even thinking about James in Ridley’s company, let alone remembering their hot intimacy. Very unfair to Ridley. It would be even worse to encourage his courtship while still thinking of James.

Well. All would be fine once James left London again. God only knew when…
if
he would return, so Talia would be able to resume her life as it was. A life devoid of James Forester.

“I’ve enjoyed the time I’ve spent in your company,” Ridley said.

Talia felt his gaze on her face, and her stomach twisted at the sudden expectation surrounding him.

Her heart shriveled a bit. How she wished she could, in all good conscience, even consider the idea of marrying Ridley. Numerous marriages throughout the
ton
were founded upon mutual respect, if not love, and for plenty of other reasons—family unions, politics, business, finances. She would not be a horrible person if she married Ridley simply because he was a kind, respectable man who would offer her a good life.

In marriage, love didn’t have to enter the equation…as her sister-in-law Lydia might have remarked. Except that for Lydia and Alexander, it eventually had. Just as it had for Sebastian and Clara. And Aunt Sally would forever cherish the memory of her blissful union with Uncle Harold…

“I’m sorry,” Talia said, before Ridley could continue. “My lord, I’m very grateful for your kindness, but fear I must decline further attentions.”

A hush descended between them. Ridley blinked. Talia became aware of an immense relief coursing through her at the knowledge that she had stopped matters from progressing. That she would not merely settle for a man she didn’t love, regardless of how kind he was.

“I do apologize,” she said again.

“Well.” Ridley cleared his throat. “I admit that despite your beauty, I hadn’t considered courting you until Castleford suggested it. Though perhaps your…ah, maturity isn’t quite suited to—”

“I beg your pardon, my lord?” Talia shook her head, her ears suddenly filling with a dull roaring sound. “Did you say Lord Castleford suggested you court me?”

“Yes, my lady. I thought he suggested the same to you.”

Talia swallowed past the tightness in her throat. “No. He did not.”

“Oh. I hope…well, I only meant that you weren’t quite an obvious choice for me, but Castleford was quite laudatory about your virtues and suggested we might have quite a bit in common with—”

“Excuse me, my lord.” Talia stepped away, prickles of cold erupting over her skin. “I must…if you’ll…please excuse me.”

Leaving a rather baffled-looking Ridley behind, Talia hurried from the crowded ballroom. Her lungs squeezed tight, making it difficult to pull in a breath. Desperate for air, she went to the doors leading to the terrace and stepped out into the cool spring night.

She pressed a hand to her chest as a riotous combination of dismay and sorrow rose inside her. Anger too, both at James and at herself for not recognizing his manipulations sooner. For secretly thinking that he would never want to see her with another man, let alone try to push her toward one…