A Family for Christmas (11 page)

He
tightened his arms again. “I want to.”

It
was something. It was enough—at least for now. It made Lydia feel safer,
warmer, closer to him than she’d ever been before.

When
they finally pulled apart, Lydia felt strangely self-conscious, embarrassed in
a way she rarely was. She noticed a few people were watching them, and she
couldn’t help but wonder what they thought had just happened between them.

Ellie
was on her way over, her cheeks brightly flushed and her hair messy.

“Are
you ready to head home?” Gabe asked, sounding natural again, although he kept a
hand on Lydia’s back.

“Yes.”
Ellie looked from one of them to the other. “Are you fighting?”

“No.
We were just hugging. You don’t fight and hug at the same time, do you?”

Ellie
narrowed her eyes in a look that was eerily like her father. “I don’t know. You
guys do.”

Lydia
couldn’t help but smile. When the girl was right, she was right.

***

A few hours later, Lydia
hesitated in the hallway outside of Gabe’s bedroom.

They
hadn’t had sex since the first time. She’d talked herself into thinking it
would be simpler that way.

But
she really wanted to spend the night with Gabe tonight. And not just because
her body wanted it.

It
felt strange, though. To want it so much. She wasn’t in the habit of acting on
feeling. She’d been practical and reasonable all her life.

So
she stood for a few minutes before she summoned up the will to make a move.

She
really wasn’t sure what the move was going to be until she saw herself knocking
on his door.

She
was breathless when the door swung open and Gabe stood in front of her, wearing
nothing but a pair of boxers.

“Sorry,”
she said. “Were you in bed?”

He
just stared at her with those heavy-lidded eyes.

“It’s
fine if you’d rather not, but I was wondering if you want to…to—”

She
was still getting the words out when he suddenly reached out for her and pulled
her into a hard kiss.

Her
mind thrilled with his obvious passion, and both her heart and her body reacted
as he pulled her over to the bed, laid her down, kissed and caressed her into
arousal, and then sank into her body.

She
wrapped her arms around him and hung on as they started to move together
rhythmically, both of them wordless, breathless. He wasn’t quite as urgent this
time, and her body was worked up into greater heights of pleasure, but she
wasn’t quite there when he fell out of rhythm and came with hoarse grunts of
release.

She
didn’t have time to be disappointed, since she loved the feel of his relaxed
body on top of her. And then he started to kiss his way down her body until his
mouth had settled between her legs.

It
didn’t take long for her to cry out as her body shuddered through a more
intense orgasm than even last time.

He
was smiling as he raised himself back up to the pillow, and she had to admit
that she was smiling too.

“Thank
you,” she gasped, settling into the crook of the arm he wrapped around her. Her
whole body was deliciously relaxed.

“What
for?”

“Well,
you did something really nice down there, you know.”

He
chuckled. She could feel it all through his body.

“I
just mean I appreciate you making sure I got there too.”

She
wasn’t looking at his face, but she could feel that he was still smiling. He
brushed a kiss into her hair. “Evidently, when it comes to sex with you,
patience is not my virtue, so I figure better late than never.”

She
giggled. “Definitely better late than never.”

They
lay together for a while, and Lydia found herself wondering what it would be
like to share a room, a bed, with him. There was something nice about lying
against him like this, even though the sex was over.

But
soon they would be spending a large portion of the year apart, so she really
needed to not get in the habit of it.

To
distract herself from fuzzy thoughts, she murmured the first thing that entered
her head. “It’s kind of strange being married.”

She
felt him tilt his head to look at her face. “What do you mean?” He sounded
almost wary.

Worried
he’d misunderstood her random comment, she rushed through an explanation.
“Nothing bad. I actually like it more than I thought. But it just feels kind of
strange sometimes. I was thinking I wouldn’t ever get married, and then here we
are, in bed together.”

“What’s
wrong with that?” He still sounded confused, almost cautious, as if he were
expecting her to say something that might hurt him.

She
hated that feeling. Hated that he would even think that—when she was so far
from wanting to hurt him. “Nothing’s wrong with it. I’m sorry if I’m saying
this wrong. I have a bad habit of just saying what’s in my head, whether it
makes sense or not.”

He
shifted a little so he was on his side and they could look each other in the
eye in the darkened room. “It’s not a bad habit. In fact, it’s really…I want
you to say what’s on your mind. I’m just not sure what you mean.”

She
let out a relieved breath when she saw his expression was natural. “I don’t
know if I even mean anything, really. Just that I never would have expected to
be here, like this. It’s just not how I imagined my life. I guess a lot of
women live waiting for this, but I never did. So now it’s sometimes hard to
wrap my head around it. But I like it. A lot.” Realizing she’d rambled on and
maybe said too much, she backpedaled a little. “I mean, it’s better than I was
thinking it would be. It’s strange, but…but kind of good.”

He
smiled just a little. “It’s better than I was thinking it would be too.”

She
let out another long exhale, relaxing as she realized she hadn’t bumbled them
into a misunderstanding. “Is it ever strange for you too?”

He
gave a little shrug. “Yeah, I guess it is. I was thinking I’d never get married
again, so sometimes I wake up and go through this moment of realization as I
remember I’m not alone—I mean, as I remember I’m married.”

“I
do that too. And I guess maybe it’s even stranger for you, since you were
married before.”

“I
don’t know.” His eyes were sober, even in the dark. “Being with you is
completely different from being with Michaela.”

He
didn’t talk about his ex-wife much, so Lydia’s breath caught in her throat. She
murmured, “In what way?”

“In
every way. Being with you feels different in every way. It’s a different kind
of marriage—and it was from the very beginning.”

Of
course it was, Lydia realized. He’d been in love with Michaela, and he wasn’t
in love with her. Naturally, it would feel completely different. She felt
irrationally deflated, but she fought against the feeling. It was silly to
dwell on things like that.

“But
I think it’s working out pretty well,” she said, holding onto the hope she’d
been feeling earlier. “I think we can really make this work.”

“I
think so too.”

She
smiled at him. “And I’ll try not to blurt out random things I think about.”

He
chuckled and reached out to stroke her hair back from her face in an oddly
tender gesture. “No, I don’t want you to hold things back.”

“You
have no idea what you’re asking for,” she said, her voice tinged with laughter.
“I think a lot of crazy, random things.”

“Well,
go ahead and tell me them. I want to know what you’re thinking and feeling. I
never knew…with Michaela, I didn’t know what she was…”

Lydia’s
breath caught again, and the laughter dissipated immediately as she realized he
was trying to say something hard. She prompted as gently as she could, “You
didn’t know what she was thinking?”

“No.
I had no idea. She acted like everything was perfectly fine in our marriage,
right up to the day she walked out the door.”

Lydia
froze for a moment, trying to process the words that still lingered in the
silent air between them. “You never fought or anything?” she asked at last.

“We
never fought. Ever. I’m not saying I did everything right. I made plenty of
mistakes. And maybe I should have realized how unhappy she was becoming. But I
didn’t know. I didn’t see it. She never told me. She put on this mask of being
a content wife and mother, and I believed it. And then I was blindsided when
she walked out. And sometimes I’m…” He trailed off, his voice rough with
emotion.

“You’re
what?”

“Sometimes
I’m scared it’s going to happen again.”

Lydia
sucked in a sharp breath. “It’s not. Gabe, I’m committed to this marriage. I
thought you knew—”

“I
do know. But things happen anyway.”

“I
know they do. But I’ll tell you if I’m unhappy. I promise I will. I’ve always
basically said what I thought, and I pretty much suck at hiding my feelings
anyway.”

He
was almost smiling again. “I’m glad. That you suck at hiding your feelings, I
mean.”

She
giggled, feeling better, like they were really understanding each other. “I
guess that’s why you’re always asking me if everything is okay.”

“I
didn’t realize I did that, but, yes, it probably is. If something is worrying
you, I want you to tell me.”

“I
will. I’ll tell you. But I’m pretty sure that, if something is really bothering
me, you’ll know.”

His
smile broadened, and he pulled her back against him, so she was pressed up
against his side, his arm surrounding her.

And
she felt good. Really good. Really close to him.

Like
this marriage was more than it really was.

She
wasn’t going to lie to him, but she also wasn’t going to lie to herself. So,
after several minutes, she stretched against him and pressed a soft kiss on his
jaw. “I’m going to bed, I guess.”

Better
not to start to indulge in silly thoughts, if she could possibly help it. And
distance seemed wiser at the moment.

“You
don’t have to,” he said, loosening his arm with what felt like reluctance.

“Thank
you. But I think I will.”

She
went back to her room and went to bed alone, still wishing she didn’t have to.

A week later, Lydia was
hiding a smile at the way Gabe looked as he waited for his coffee to brew on a
Friday morning.

His
hair was sticking straight up on end, and his t-shirt was on inside-out. He
desperately needed to shave, and he was glaring at the one-cup brewer, as if he
could will the coffee to stream into the cup faster.

She’d
gone to his room every night for a week except last night, when she’d started
to worry about how hard it was to leave and go to her own room after they’d had
sex. She was starting to feel too dependent, less in control than she was used
to, so she’d stayed in her own room last night.

She
hadn’t slept very well, and it didn’t look like Gabe had either, if his grumpy
expression was anything to go by.

But,
unlike her, Gabe was kind of cute when he was in a grouchy mood.

“What
are you laughing at?” he muttered, without even turning to look at her.

“I’m
not laughing.” They’d gotten up at roughly the same time, so she was now
leaning against the counter, waiting for her turn with the coffee pot. “What
are you talking about?”

He
turned to check her face. “It feels like you’re laughing.”

“What
happened to your hair last night?” she asked, feeling oddly tender. Without
thinking, she stepped over and reached up to smooth down his hair. It just
sprang back up when she pulled away her hand.

“Your
hair doesn’t look entirely neat itself.” As if in retaliation, he reached over
to touch her messy hair, but there was a new warmth in his eyes that she liked.

“Well,
mine is at least responding to gravity.” She was smiling up at him now as he
stepped in toward her, trapping her against the counter. “Why are you in a bad
mood this morning?”

“I’m
not in a bad mood.” He’d planted his hands on the edge of the counter on either
side of her.

“Well,
you were until I laughed at your hair.” She was getting a little breathless at
his proximity. She’d lain in bed a long time last night, thinking about him.
She hadn’t really thought that sex would ever be a major part of her life, but
her body was definitely getting used to it and didn’t appreciate the fast from
it last night.

He
leaned in even closer. “You said you weren’t laughing.”

“Maybe
I was laughing a little.”

“Why
didn’t you come to my room last night?” His voice was low and thick, and his
eyes took on that sultry look she loved.

Her
breath hitched. “I…don’t know. Were you waiting for me?”

“I
thought you might come.”

“You
could have come to my room, you know.”

“What
do you mean?”

“I
mean, you’re allowed to initiate, if you want.” Her body was shivering now, and
she was starting to wonder if it was appropriate to have sex at 6:15 in the
morning—from time to time.

“I
didn’t want to apply any undue pressure,” he murmured, his lips glancing
briefly against hers.

Her
body was responding quickly to the tension she sensed in his and to the heat in
his eyes, but she managed to arch her eyebrows. “And what exactly constitutes
undue pressure?”

“Maybe
me showing up in your bedroom at night with a raging hard-on.”

She
choked on a burst of amusement and wrapped her arms around him. She’d had no
idea three months ago that he was so funny and smart and surprisingly
sensitive.

He
was a very good husband to have.

And
maybe it didn’t really matter that she was growing accustomed to having sex
with him, being with him in other ways too. He was her husband, after all, and
this marriage was working out a lot better than she’d ever imagined.

“So
should I come to your room tonight?” he asked, brushing his lips against hers
again. He tasted faintly like coffee.

“If
you want to.”

“I
want you to want it too.”

“If
I don’t want it, I’ll send you away.” She couldn’t seem to stop smiling.

For
the first time that morning, his lips turned up in an answering smile as he
kissed her. When she tightened her arms around him, the kiss grew deeper. She
arched her body into his as she was swept with waves of pleasure—more emotional
than physical now.

He
made a soft, husky noise in his throat when they were jarred from the embrace
by a voice coming from the entrance to the kitchen. “Dad.”

Both
of them jerked, and Gabe turned his head abruptly, still imprisoning Lydia with
his arms. “Good morning, Ellie,” he said after a moment of orienting himself.

“What
are you doing?”

What
they were doing should have been self-evident, but Lydia figured the question
was more an accusation that a genuine inquiry. Ellie didn’t look happy at all
as she stood, fully dressed and with her hair in a ponytail, glaring at them.

“We
were talking,” Gabe said, managing to sound mostly natural. “You’re up early.”

“I
woke up.”

“Are
you ready for breakfast?”

“Yes,
please.”

“Okay.”
Gabe turned back to Lydia, a faint wryness in his expression, causing her to
smile in response. He’d been getting into the kiss but not so much that it was
a real problem for him to pull away from her body. “Do you want eggs or cereal?”

“Cereal,
please.”

While
he went over to the cupboard, Lydia stuck her cup under the coffee maker and
hit the brew button. “What do you want to do today, Ellie?” she asked.

“I
want to go Christmas shopping.”

“Oh,
that would be fun. I’ve got to do some shopping too. I can take you, if you
want.”

“I
want Dad to take me.”

“I
can’t, pumpkin. I have a lot of work I need to do today.” Gabe had returned to
his coffee and emptied half of it in three long gulps, the box of cereal in his
hand.

Ellie
frowned. “But I wanted to go shopping with you.”

“You
can go with Aunt Lydia instead.”

“We
can go to that big bookstore in Dalton if you want. We can find some good
presents there.” Lydia tried to make her voice sound bright. She’d been getting
along better with the girl for the last week, but she was still pretty sure Ellie
would be just as happy not to have her around.

Ellie
sighed. “Okay.”

Gabe
walked over and ruffled his daughter’s hair. “Well, you don’t need to sound so
excited about it. If you don’t want to go happily, then you can stay at home
and not go at all.”

The
girl’s face adjusted, as if she’d realized that her disapproval wasn’t going to
get her dad to change his mind. “No, I’ll go.”

“What
do you say?”

“Thank
you,” Ellie said, looking up at Lydia.

Lydia
sighed. “You’re welcome.” She was actually happy to take the girl shopping,
since she felt more comfortable around her now than she used to. But she hated
the feeling that she’d somehow gotten the girl in trouble with her dad.

It
still kind of felt like they were a family, and she was just hanging out with
them.

And
that feeling bothered her a lot more than it used to.

***

The shopping trip
actually went well. Once Ellie was in the car, she perked up, and they spent
the forty-minute drive talking about the book series that Lydia was now almost
through reading.

They
went to the bookstore first and spent an hour looking through the children’s
section and then another half-hour having hot chocolate and cinnamon rolls in
the attached café.

They
went to the mall afterwards and visited a big department store and a kids’
clothes boutique, looking for a couple of cute Christmas sweaters for Ellie and
a pretty Christmas dress for her to wear.

Everything
went well until Ellie decided that she wanted to buy her dad a tie with books
on it.

It
all went downhill from there.

It
was late in the afternoon before they finally got home. Ellie was crying, and
Lydia was nearly in tears herself.

“Look,”
she said softly, hoping to calm Ellie down before Gabe emerged from his office.
She held her phone down to Ellie. “I found this really nice tie with books on
it online, and we can order it and have it here in two days. Isn’t this what
you were looking for?”

Lydia
knew it was what the girl had been looking for, but just like before it didn’t
seem to satisfy her. Her cheeks streamed with tears. “I said we should keep
looking.”

“We’d
looked at every store in the mall, and I called the rest of them in the county.
We wouldn’t have been able to find it.” Her voice cracked—since she was both
frustrated and upset. “Let me just order this for you and—”

“No,”
Ellie interrupted with a scowl. “I don’t want it.”

“Ellie.”
Gabe’s voice snapped from down the hall. “You know better than to talk that
way.”

The
girl jerked, obviously taken aback by her dad’s presence.

Lydia,
on the other hand, felt a deep wave of relief.

“Go
up to your room. I’ll be there in a few minutes.” Gabe looked at her sternly.

Ellie
ducked her head and ran upstairs with a little whimper.

Lydia
smothered a groan and dropped the shopping bags on the floor.

“What
happened?” Gabe asked, stepping closer to her.

“I
don’t even know. She wanted a certain tie for you for Christmas, and they just
didn’t have it at any stores at the mall. She got so upset about it. I wasn’t
sure what to do.”

Gabe’s
eyebrows drew together, and he put an arm around her. Lydia slumped against him
gratefully, feeling a little guilty for wanting his support so much but not
about to turn it down.

“Are
you okay?” he murmured, stroking her hair.

She
exhaled, her cheek against his shoulder. “Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just upsetting
when she was so upset and nothing I did seemed to help.”

“I
don’t know why she was so upset about something like that. She doesn’t usually
make a big deal about such little things. Was she talking to you the whole time
the way I heard just now?”

Lydia
was relaxing, feeling better, responding to his warmth and his strength. “It
wasn’t that big a deal.”

“Lydia.”
There was a warning in his voice, and he raised her head to meet her eyes.
“Tell me the truth.”

“She
was really upset. She wasn’t thinking about how she was talking. Don’t be too
hard on her.”

“I’m
not going to be too hard on her, but I can’t let her behave that way.”

“I
know. But she’s had a rough time.” Lydia dropped her eyes briefly, feeling
uncharacteristically self-conscious. “With the marriage and all. She’s had a
rough time.”

Gabe’s
expression changed. “Has she been behaving this way with you before?”

Lydia
shook her head. “No. Not like this. She hasn’t…I mean, she’s been having trouble
adjusting, but it’s normal. I need to be patient. I know I need to be patient.”

“What
do you need to be patient about? Why the hell didn’t you tell me you’d been
having trouble with her? You said you would tell me if you were unhappy about
anything. You said you would tell me the truth.”

He
looked hurt as well as annoyed, and Lydia felt suddenly guilty. He was right.
She should have told him. She’d been keeping it from him, and that was just
wrong. However small, it was a betrayal of his trust.

“I
know,” she said, her voice cracking. “I’m sorry. But I haven’t been unhappy.
It’s really not that big a deal.”

“But
you’ve been having trouble with her.”

“I
haven’t. I mean, we’ve been doing as well as can be expected. I’m certainly not
going to go whining to you about not getting enough warm-fuzzies. It’s getting
better. She’s a good kid, and it’s getting better.”

“Damn
it, Lydia.” He turned his head, breathing heavily, obviously thinking. “I wish
you would have told me. I could have helped.”

“How,
exactly?”

“I
could have talked to Ellie.”

“And
then she might have acted differently but not felt differently. We can’t force
her to like me, Gabe. It’s going to take time.”

“I
thought she
was
liking you. I thought…” He drifted off, looking away
from her again. He felt strangely vulnerable in a way she just wasn’t used to.

“I
think she likes me more now than she did. I’m trying to be patient.” She gave
Gabe a ghost of a smile, wanting him to be himself again. “You know how hard
that is for me.”

He
returned her smile with a tilt of his lips. “I do.”

“I’m
sorry I didn’t tell you. I shouldn’t have held it back. At first, I just didn’t
want to complain, and then I didn’t want you to worry. But I should have told
you. I’m really sorry.”