A Family for Christmas (14 page)

Lydia
choked back a sob of relief.

“She
hit her head, so she must have a concussion, but she doesn’t seem to have
broken any bones. As long as she wakes up soon…Ellie.” His voice was brisk and
authoritative. “Ellie, wake up.”

Ellie
made a little sound in her throat.

Encouraged,
Lydia moved closer. “Ellie, can you wake up, honey?”

“Wake
up.” Thomas’s voice was much sterner than hers.

Ellie’s
eyes fluttered open, and Lydia almost dissolved in her immense relief.

“We
should take her to the ER,” Thomas said, looking over at Lydia. “Just to be
safe.”

“Yeah.
Is it okay to move her?”

“Yeah.
I think so. Ellie, does anything hurt?”

“My
head.” Ellie’s face was twisted, and she looked pale and bewildered. “Did I
fall down?”

“Yes,
when you were climbing down the tree,” Lydia said.

“You
caught me?”

“Well,
sort of. We both fell down.” Lydia wished she could hug the little girl.

“You
have a bump on your head,” Thomas explained. “Does anything else hurt?”

“My
wrist.” She lifted her arm to show him.

He
felt her wrist and when she winced as he moved it a certain way, he said, “A
little sprain, I think. Anything else?”

Lydia
knew this side of her brother. Curt. Professional. Completely in control. It
used to drive her crazy, but now it was exactly what she needed to get control
of her fear.

“I
don’t think so.”

“Can
you move your legs?”

She
shifted them around and nodded her head.

“And
both arms?”

She
moved them too.

“Very
good. Can you turn your head from side to side?” When the girl did so, Thomas
nodded. “Okay. You’re in good shape, but I’m going to pick you up and carry you
to the car, if that’s okay. I’m going to get a doctor to fix up your head.”

“Aren’t
you a doctor?” Ellie’s voice was weak, but she seemed to understand fine, which
was a great relief.

“I’m
a different kind of doctor. I’m only good if you need surgery on your heart. Do
you need surgery on your heart?”

“No,
thank you.”

He
chuckled and picked her up in his arms. Then he smiled over at Lydia. “Don’t
look so scared. She’s going to be fine. We’ll just stop to grab Mia, and we’ll
be on our way.”

Lydia
had no reason not to believe her brother, but she prayed all the way to the
hospital anyway.

***

Three hours later, she
was sitting next to Ellie’s bed in the ER, so exhausted she wanted to drop.

Thomas
had been right, and Ellie had a concussion. They didn’t think it was serious,
but they wanted to observe her for a while before they sent her home. She’d had
to have six stitches to sew up the gash in her head.

Ellie
had dozed off a few minutes ago, so Lydia had leaned her head back and closed
her eyes. She’d called Gabe on the way to the hospital, and he’d gotten in his
car to drive home immediately. He should be here soon.

She
wished he was here now.

“Lydia,”
a soft, male voice came from the doorway.

She
opened her eyes and straightened up with a jerk, but it was just Thomas
standing there. She stood up and walked over to him, so their conversation
wouldn’t wake up Ellie. They stepped out into the hallway to talk.

“Are
you okay?”

“Yeah.
She’s fine, I think. At least, that’s what everyone says.”

‘I
know. She really is fine. I was asking how
you
are.”

“Oh.”
She was kind of embarrassed, since she felt uncharacteristically weak. “I’m
fine.”

“Do
you need anything? Coffee or something?”

“No.
I’m okay. I—” She broke off when a motion from down the hall distracted her.

Gabe.
Striding down the hall toward them, as if nothing could stand in his way.

She
gave a little whimper at the sight of him, so glad was she to see him.

He
pulled her into his arms as soon as he reached her, giving her a brief, hard
hug.

“She’s
fine,” Lydia said against his chest, unable to even imagine how she’d be having
this conversation if Ellie hadn’t been fine. “She’s resting now, but she’s
fine.”

She’d
called to tell him, after she’d heard from the doctor, but she hadn’t expected
Gabe to relax until he could see his daughter for himself. He walked into the
room and stared at Ellie, who was still sleeping.

“She’s
thinking well and seeing well and moving well,” Thomas said from behind them.
“No worries at all. Just the stitches and a headache.”

Gabe
took a raspy breath and nodded. Some of the tension in his body relaxed. Lydia
could feel this palpably, since his arm was still around her. “When did they
say we can take her home?”

“In
a few hours.”

“Okay.”
Gabe went to sit down in the chair next to the bed and pulled Lydia down beside
him, even though there wasn’t really room for both of them in the chair.

Thomas
gave her a little smile. “I’ve got to get Mia home. Call me if you need me.”

“Thanks,
Thomas.”

When
he was gone, Gabe murmured, “What happened?”

Lydia
gave him a fuller account than she’d been able to manage on the phone earlier,
and Gabe just listened and nodded.

“I’m
so sorry,” Lydia concluded, her voice cracking. “I shouldn’t have let her climb—”

“It
wasn’t your fault.”

“It
kind of was. I was the one who told her about climbing the tree. I was the one
who let her. I didn’t think it would be a problem, but I should have been smart—”

“Lydia,
stop. She’s fine. We can’t protect her from everything.” He leaned down to kiss
her forehead softly. “All we can do is the best we can.”

She
exhaled, feeling better, but she couldn’t help but wonder if he’d have come to
the same conclusion if Ellie had been seriously hurt.

“I
have to trust God with Ellie,” he added, his voice rough with feeling. “There’s
no other way I could make it through the day.”

Lydia
nodded, understanding exactly what he was saying. And realizing that he was
sharing with her one of the deepest truths of his life.

***

A little while later,
they went down to the cafeteria, since Gabe insisted she needed something to
eat.

Lydia
didn’t feel like eating, but she went anyway, since she didn’t have energy for
an argument.

They
picked out sandwiches and flavored waters and brought them over to the cash
register. The woman who was supposed to be waiting on them was talking on a
cell phone.

Lydia
was briefly annoyed, but she didn’t dwell on it. At least, she didn’t until
they’d been waiting for a few minutes and the woman made no move to take their
money.

She
started to get tense as they continued to wait. She just wasn’t up to
controlling her impatience today. She was taking a breath to say something to
get the woman to do her job when she felt Gabe’s hand on her back.

She
glanced up at him in surprise, but he wasn’t even looking at her. He was
checking something on his phone. Probably a text from Ellie’s mother. He’d
called her earlier to let her know what happened, and she always replied to his
messages with just a text.

She
didn’t know why he’d put a hand on her back, but it reminded her that there was
no reason to take out her bad day on some poor woman, so she bit back her pushy
comment.

Fortunately,
the woman hung up just then so Lydia could feel rewarded.

***

That night, Lydia went to
bed absolutely exhausted.

They’d
gotten Ellie home and watched TV with her for a while. But Lydia was so tired
that she’d taken a shower and gone to bed just after Ellie had.

She
felt weak and anxious and strangely confused, and she wanted Gabe desperately.
But it had been just as hard a day for him as it had been for her, and she
couldn’t imagine he would be remotely interested in sex.

She
wasn’t in the mood either. She just wanted to be with him.

But
she huddled under her covers, still praying and hoping she’d be able to sleep.

She
was still awake an hour later when there was a soft knock on the door.

“Yes?”
She sat up in her bed, surprised and confused.

The
door swung open, and Gabe stood silhouetted by the light from the hallway.

“You
can come in,” she said, when he just stood there.

“Did
I wake you up?” He took a few steps into her dark room.

“No.
I wasn’t sleeping. Did you want to—” She stretched an arm out toward him.

He
closed the door behind him and made his way to her bed. Then he climbed under
the covers and pulled her into his arms.

She
exhaled loudly and snuggled against him.

“I
thought you might come to my room tonight,” he murmured, tightening his arms
around her almost painfully.

“I
didn’t think you’d feel like sex.”

“I
don’t. I don’t.”

And
she realized then that he hadn’t come to her for sex. He’d come to her for
comfort. The same comfort she needed herself. She made a little whimper.

“Are
you okay?” he murmured.

“Yeah.
I was so scared. I was…so scared.”

“I
know. So was I.” He adjusted her so he could hold her more comfortably, his
body relaxing a little. “Do you ever cry?”

“No.
Not really. Not much. Occasionally, but not much. But I felt like it today.”

“Me
too,” he admitted. “For so long, she’s been all I’ve had.”

“I
know.”

He
leaned down to kiss her. “And it’s so strange that now I have you too.”

“You
do have me,” she murmured, clinging to his big, warm body. “I hope you know
that.”

He
didn’t answer, just held her even tighter, like he couldn’t seem to let her go.
The urgency in his grip thrilled and terrified her both. She wanted his need—it
matched her own—but she couldn’t help but wonder if he was afraid she would
slip out of his grip.

She
wanted him to trust her.

She
wanted him to know she wasn’t going to leave.

She
wanted him to trust God with their marriage, the same way he trusted God with
the other parts of his life.

And
she just wasn’t sure if he did.

The next morning was
Christmas Eve.

Lydia
woke up to find that Gabe wasn’t in bed with her, and she was ludicrously
disappointed. She hoped he hadn’t gone back to his own bed to sleep some time
during the night, although it was certainly possible, and she had no grounds to
complain, even if he had.

Theirs
was a marriage-of-convenience, after all. A practical marriage with no
emotional expectations. Either of them could sleep on their own if they wanted.

Lydia
just didn’t really want to anymore.

She
sighed and stretched, suddenly remembering that poor little Ellie had fallen
out of a tree the day before. Lydia jumped up and sprinted up to the third
floor to check on her.

In
the doorway, she collided with Gabe, who was just leaving the room.

“Oomph,”
she gasped, as Gabe reached to stabilize her after the impact.

“You
okay?” Gabe was wearing his pajamas. He’d obviously done the same thing she had
on waking up.

“Yeah.”
She kept her voice low so as not to wake Ellie, who was sleeping on her bed
across the room. “Just coming to check on her. Is she okay?”

“She’s
fine. Let’s let her sleep longer.” He put his hand on her back as they walked
back down the stairs, and then he came into the bedroom with her on the second
floor.

Since
it wasn’t even six yet, Lydia crawled back under the covers, and she smiled
when Gabe got back in bed with her.

She
scooted over to nestle against him.

Gabe
wrapped his arm around her, and they lay together in pleasant silence for
several minutes.

Then,
following the line of her thoughts, Lydia asked, “Do you think Ellie will be up
to singing in the Christmas Eve service tonight?”

“I
hope so. We’ll just let her decide.”

“She’s
been really excited about it.”

“I
know. Hopefully, she’ll feel up to it.”

“She’s
a good little girl.” Lydia smiled at the thought of Ellie. She’d met the girl
for the first time less than three months ago, and she already cared about her a
lot. So much so that she was actually dreading the idea of being away from her
so long during the year when she was in India and Ellie was going to school
here.

She
was also dreading being away from Gabe.

“I
know she is,” Gabe said. “Thanks for being so good with her.”

“I
don’t think I’m that good.” Lydia shifted to look up at his face. “I’ve got a
lot of learning yet to do.”

He
shook his head, his expression fond. “You’ve been great. And I’m so grateful
that she’ll have a woman in her life who she can look up to—especially as she
starts to get older.” He sighed. “Sometimes it terrifies me to think of what
I’ll do when she’s a teenager.”

“You’re
wonderful with her. You’re a wonderful father.” She reached up to stroke his
bristly cheek. “I’m really happy to be part of her life, but you’d be fine,
even without me.”

There
was something in his expression now that made her heart feel like it was
flying. “Maybe. But I’m even better with you.”

She
took a shaky breath, almost dizzy from the emotions. “Me too.”

He
smiled and looked like he did when he kissed her, but he didn’t pull her up to
his mouth. Just kept gazing at her.

“I
kind of love her, you know,” Lydia said, so full of feeling she had to express
it. She’d always been honest and forthright, and there didn’t seem to be a good
reason not to be now.

His
smiled broadened. “I know. You have no idea how much that means to me.”

She
cleared her throat. “Well, you know…” She trailed off, hesitating for the first
time, since what she was going to say felt so big. But it was true. It was
true
.

So
she said it.

“And
I kind of love you too.”

She
saw a fire blaze up in his eyes for just a moment at her words. She was sure
she didn’t imagine it. But then she saw a clear sequence of emotions follow the
initial reaction.

His
face was just as hard to read as it had ever been, but she knew him now. And so
she saw and understood each emotion as it passed to the next.

Recognition.
Surprise. Confusion. Fear. Withdrawal. Fear. Fear.
Fear
.

And
the flying of her heart suddenly dropped with a sickening thud.

“What?”
he asked, the word strangling a little in his throat.

She
gave a little cough, suddenly wishing she hadn’t said it. Things had been so
good, and she’d just ruined it.

Sometimes
being open about everything that went through her mind wasn’t the best thing to
do. She’d learned that as she’d grown up.

She
should have learned it better.

“Nothing.”
She glanced away, something aching in her throat that was difficult to speak
over. “I was just…It’s no big deal.”

“But
you said—”

“Don’t
worry about what I said. It was just a passing thought.” She tried to smile at
him naturally, although she felt crushed. Devastated. She pulled away from him
and sat up on the bed, hoping the position would get her mind to work better.

Gabe
sat up too, looking at her soberly. The fear she’d seen in his eyes had
disappeared, but so had all the feeling she’d seen before. “You’re not
expecting…”

“I’m
not expecting anything. Things are great between us.” Her cheekbones ached from
trying to keep her face in a smile.

“Because
this marriage was always—”

“Practical,”
she interrupted. “I know. I’m not complaining or expecting anything else. I’m
not
.”

“Okay.”
He took a strange, shuddering breath. “Because I told you from the beginning that
I don’t think I can trust another woman with—”

“Your
heart.” She knew she was finishing his sentences, but she just needed to get
this conversation over with. “I know. I’m not expecting you to trust me with
your heart. I’m not expecting
anything
. I’m sorry I said anything.
Things are great between us.”

She
knew exactly what had happened. He’d suddenly realized that they were getting
too close, and his heart was potentially in danger. And he’d retreated.

After
what had happened with his first wife, she could hardly blame him.

And,
if it cracked her heart to think that he didn’t believe he could trust her with
what was most important, than that was her own fault.

She’d
known what she was doing when she entered this marriage.

“Are
you sure?” Gabe looked stiff, awkward, horribly uncomfortable. “Because I
thought we understood each other. But if you—”

“I
do understand. Stop obsessing about one random comment. How many times do I
have to say that everything is fine?” She got out of bed, needing to escape
from this conversation. Really soon.

“Okay,”
he said slowly, getting up too. “Maybe we should take a step back, just to make
sure things are okay between us. I don’t want there to be any confusion.”

And
that hurt even more, although she should have known he would do that. Because
he’d suddenly realized what was happening between them, and it terrified him.

“Okay.”
She nodded and headed for her bathroom. “That’s a good idea. I’m going to take
a shower now.”

Her
departure was kind of rude and abrupt, but she didn’t have a choice. She had to
get away from him before she started to cry.

She’d
just been telling him yesterday that she never cried.

***

She was fully dressed in
jeans and a sweatshirt when she came downstairs an hour later.

Gabe
and Ellie were at the kitchen table, with the remains of waffles on their
plates and a tablet between them. They were obviously playing a game together.

They
looked so domestic, so dear, that she felt a hard pain in her throat at the
sight. They looked like a family—a family she had never really been a part of.
But she pushed through her reaction.

She
might have cried—just a little—in the shower, but she wasn’t a fool or a child.
If Gabe didn’t want their marriage to get any closer, then she could live with
that.

After
all, in a few months, she’d be heading to India and she could start over there.
She could focus on her work—the most important thing—and the family she didn’t
have after all simply wouldn’t matter that much.

She’d
lived for several years convinced she would never have the kind of marriage so
many other women had. She’d thought that meant she would never be married at
all. Now, she realized she hadn’t been wrong. Even though she was married, her
initial understanding had been correct.

Her
life wouldn’t be about loving a husband and family. It would be about her work.
She’d always been satisfied with that.

She
could be satisfied with it now.

All
of this processed in her mind as she stood briefly and watched them.

Then
Gabe looked up and saw her, and she smiled brightly. “Good morning! How are you
feeling, Ellie?”

The
girl looked up with a smile. She had a big bandage on her forehead, and her
hair was a tangled mess. But she looked a lot better than she had the day
before. “I’m doing fine. My head doesn’t hurt today, but it feels weird around
my stitches. Daddy says that’s normal.”

“I
think it is. I’m glad you’re feeling better.” She could feel Gabe watching her,
but she kept her eyes on Ellie. “I hope you’ll feel up to singing at church
tonight.”

“I
will. I’m sure I’ll feel up to it tonight.”

“Good.”

“Aren’t
you going to make her a waffle?” Ellie asked, turning to her father.

“Sure,”
Gabe said, starting to get up. On the surface, he looked natural, but she could
tell that he’d withdrawn. Like he was hiding himself behind his quiet reserve,
the way he had at the beginning.

Lydia
hated the sight of it, but she reminded herself it was no big deal. “I don’t
need a waffle,” she said quickly. “I’m not very hungry this morning.” She went
to get herself some coffee, hoping it would clear the painful fog in her head.

“Oh.
But they were really good,” Ellie said. “Dad makes the best waffles.”

“I’m
sure they were. But I’m not very hungry.”

She
got her coffee and then made herself a piece of toast, but even the normal
activities felt fake somehow, as if it wasn’t real, as if none of this was
real, as if she was just going through the motions, as if this wasn’t really
her
at all.

She
tried to look at Gabe a couple of times, to prove that everything was fine, but
it was too painful so she mostly just avoided his eyes.

She
sat down at the table, and they had a conversation about their plans for the
day. And all the time the pain in her chest and the lump in her gut only
intensified.

It
felt like Gabe wasn’t really with her, even though he was sitting about a foot
away from her. It felt like she wasn’t really with either of them—as if she
were an outsider intruding on their family.

It
shouldn’t matter to her, but it did.

“What’s
wrong?” Ellie asked, after a stretch of tense silence.

“Nothing
is wrong,” Gabe told her.

“Something
feels wrong.” Ellie looked between the two of them. “Are you fighting?”

Lydia
gave her another bright smile. “We’re not fighting. We were having a normal
conversation, weren’t we?”

The
girl’s brow lowered dubiously. “Something seems wrong.”

And
that hurt too, since the idea obviously worried her. Lydia wanted to comfort
and reassure her, but there was nothing she could do. Nothing she could say.

Something
was
wrong. At least, it was wronger than it had been the day before. But
it wasn’t something Lydia could fix.

It
had been Gabe’s decision, and now they all had to live it out.

***

Lydia wrapped presents in
the morning, mostly so she could be alone. She’d bought some for her own
family—her real family—and also a few for Gabe and Ellie. Then she went to have
lunch with her parents, as another excuse to get away.

She
was convinced she would eventually be perfectly happy with this situation—it
would just take a little transition time.

Obviously,
her emotions were far more involved here than she’d ever intended.

But
she’d never been a particularly emotional woman. She could deal with this, just
like she’d dealt with everything she’d faced before.

When
she returned to the house, Ellie wanted her to play a board game with her and
Gabe, and Lydia forced herself not to refuse. She didn’t want to ruin the
girl’s Christmas, after all.

Lydia
managed to focus on the game and on Ellie, and not to focus on Gabe very much,
so she got through the game without revealing anything she was feeling.