A Fate Worse Than Death (15 page)

“That’s not true,” I interjected. “People are constantly talking about your words.”

“How do you know they’re my words?”

“I guess I just assumed—”

“Exactly. You assumed you knew what I was saying. Everybody thinks they know more about my words than I do. You wouldn’t believe some of the things I’ve supposedly said. But I’ll tell you one thing. As soon as people have got problems, who does everybody come running to? ‘Help us, oh Lord,’ and ‘save us, oh Lord.’ Well what about me? I’ve got problems too. Who am I supposed to pray to?”

I didn’t have an answer. I wasn’t sure it was a question that even had an answer. Then again, God was now on such a roll that even if I did have one, I don’t think He would have paid any attention to it anyway.

“Being God is a full time job, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, 100 years a century. I’ve never taken a holiday. Never had a chance to relax on a beach or take a tropical cruise or enjoy a walk in a rainforest or scuba dive in a coral reef or—”

Suddenly the door burst open and Gabriel came charging in. His face was whiter than a peroxided albino in a snowstorm.

“Excuse me, Master, for breaking in, but I’ve got awful news. Peter is gone!”

As God was no longer in any state to respond, I figured I’d better do the honours.

“What happened to him?”

“Nobody knows. He’s just disappeared.”

Gabriel had barely finished speaking before I was legging it out of the palace, leaving God to His self-pity, and racing to the Pearly Gates. My foes had made their next move. I only hoped I wasn’t too late.

* * *

Chaos reigned at the Pearly Gates. The queue had disintegrated, and everyone was making a mad dash towards the Gates, pushing and jostling like a herd of roller-skating wildebeest. But most alarming of all, nobody seemed able to stop them. Despite the efforts of a handful of red-uniformed inspectors, people were streaming past the booths and through the Gates. All procedures for verifying bona fides for entry into the Kingdom of God had been abandoned. The Gates of Heaven had been flung open to all comers.

As I observed this crazed inrush, its true impact hit me as if a hammer had struck a giant bell inside my head. More was going on here than just an attempt to take on the Devil. This was an assault on Heaven itself. I knew that I couldn’t salvage this situation alone. I grabbed hold of the nearest person and spun him around. Instantly, I discovered that I hadn’t made a bad choice. I’d made an absolutely appalling one.

“What’s happening here?” said Lizard Neck with a smirk. “Must be the criminal returning to the scene of the crime.”

“You always thought you were so smart,” sneered his frying-pan-faced sidekick, who as luck would have it was standing alongside him. “Well this time you made the biggest mistake of your life.”

Before I could move, Lizard Neck had me pinned to the ground, while Frying Pan was pulling my arms behind my back and sticking on the cuffs.

“You have to let me go!” I screamed. “You don’t understand what’s happening here.”

“Oh we don’t, do we?” said Lizard Neck. “Then perhaps you’ll be able to explain it to us through the bars of your cell.”

I yelled and swore and struggled with all my might, but against the two of them my resistance was futile. There was nothing I could do to stop myself from being trussed up and dragged away. But then another voice spoke.

“You don’t have to take him. Why don’t you leave him with me? I’ll look after him.”

We all turned. Standing right behind us was my old friend, the bellhop. I couldn’t help but recall every charming detail of him, from the arrogant tilt of his head to the intense stare of his green eyes and the feel of his rank breath on my face.

The cops looked at each other, clearly unsure about whether they’d be breaching any of their non-existent protocols.

“C’mon fellas,” said the bellhop. “I’m in charge of the Gates now. If anyone is responsible for dealing with Peter’s kidnapper, it should be me.”

That seemed good enough for the two cops. They mumbled something about it being close to bedtime and then disappeared.

I looked at the bellhop. It seemed like a longshot, but I didn’t think I’d have another chance.

“I know we didn’t get off to the best start, but you need to listen to me now. This situation is extremely urgent.”

The bellhop didn’t say anything. For a moment, he looked at me with a lopsided kind of grin. The next moment, his fist was on a collision course with my face.

Something had to give. It wasn’t going to be his fist.

I OPENED
MY EYES
.
IT WAS DARK.
I was lying on a concrete floor. Fortunately, some kind soul had removed the handcuffs from my wrists. Unfortunately, that same soul had replaced them with a couple of lengths of rope, tied tightly around not only my wrists but also my ankles. I had all the mobility of a stuffed walrus.

“Awake at last,” said a voice, but it was a friendly voice. As my eyes began to adjust, I could dimly make out my companion. Although he was lashed up in a similar fashion, I recognised the beard at one end and the spindly legs at the other. It was Peter.

“Are you all right?” he said.

“I’ll live,” I replied.

“Ah Jimmy, always the joker,” Peter chuckled. “I can rely on you to cheer me up.”

I rolled across the floor so that I was closer to him.

“Listen to me, Peter. The time for jokes is well and truly gone. I need to know exactly what’s been happening. Can you tell me who brought you here?”

Peter made a strange twisting gesture with his shoulders that probably would have been a shrug if he hadn’t been tied up like a pig on a spit.

“I can’t tell you much. It all happened so quickly. I was in the middle of sorting out the paperwork after a food poisoning outbreak in Japan when a couple of masked men burst into my office and placed a wet cloth over my mouth. Next thing I knew, I was lying on the floor in this cold, dark room with a beast of a headache. And then you arrived.”

“So you’ve got no idea who these masked men were?”

“No idea. I couldn’t even start to describe them. I’ve also got no idea how they got into my office. Since the riots twenty years ago, we’ve operated under the tightest security.”

“I’ve got a pretty good idea how they got in. You remember when we first met, how you told me good help was hard to find? You were right.”

Peter gasped. “You don’t mean?”

“Yes, I do. This is an inside job.”

“But I don’t understand. Who would want to—”

“Don’t worry about not understanding. You’re not the only one with that problem. But time is running short. Do you at least know where they’ve taken us?”

Peter made that shrugging gesture again. “I haven’t the foggiest idea.”

I looked around the room. With my eyes now well-adjusted to the dark, I could see that we were in some sort of cell. The floor, ceiling, and walls were all featureless concrete. There were no windows and only one door. The room looked like the creation of an interior designer with all the imagination of a commercial television programmer.

“I guess our location isn’t so important,” I said. “The main thing is, how are we going to get out of here?”

Peter made a different gesture this time. I think this one was supposed to be a nod. “So what’s your plan?”

“What’s my plan?”

“You do have a plan, don’t you? You must have been in situations like this hundreds of times before. I bet you’ve got all sorts of escape tricks hidden up your sleeve.”

“I’m terribly sorry to disappoint you, but I’ve never been in a situation remotely like this before. I was once locked in a public toilet for a couple of days, but I don’t think that’s quite the same. I’m also sorry to say that the only things I have up my sleeves at the moment are a couple of large bruises.”

“You mean you don’t have a plan?”

“No plan. I have no idea how we’re going to get out of here.”

“Then we’re trapped.” Peter rolled away from me and lay, facing the far wall.

I rolled after him. “Just wait a minute. I said I didn’t have a plan. That doesn’t mean we can’t put our heads together and come up with one.”

Peter rolled back to me. “You think I can help you come up with a plan?”

“Why not? You’ve read lots of detective books. You must have a pretty good idea about what an escape plan involves.”

“I’ve got lots of ideas,” said Peter, his enthusiasm renewed. “We could knock down the door with our heads and then roll under the feet of the guard and away. Or we could bite through the concrete floor, discover a hidden underground river beneath this cell, and swim to freedom. Or we could lure the guard into our cell, remove his wooden leg, and use that as a weapon to escape.”

“Those are great plans,” I said.

“You think so?”

“Most definitely. If we should ever find ourselves with a group of children to entertain, I’m sure they’d love to hear them. Unfortunately, I’m not sure they’ll be much use in our current predicament.”

“What do you mean?” Peter sounded just a little hurt.

“What I mean is those plans will work fine as long as the guard happens to have a wooden leg, or there actually is a miraculous underground river underneath this edible concrete floor. But those seem like pretty big assumptions to make. This isn’t some fantasy. This is real life.”

“No it isn’t,” said Peter. “This is Heaven. At least I assume it is. Maybe they’ve taken us . . . down below. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never been down there.”

“But I have,” I said.

Given that the rest of his body was virtually immobile, Peter’s face did an excellent job at exhibiting his surprise. “You’ve been down below?”

“Yes, I’ve most definitely been to Hell, and I know exactly what it’s like. In Hell, nothing works. Whatever you try to do, no matter how simple, always turns out wrong.”

“So if we’re in . . . Hell, any escape plan we try is bound to fail.”

“Exactly, which gives me an idea. I think I know a way we can at least discount the possibility that they’ve taken us to Hell.”

“What do we have to do?”

“Pretty much anything. Whatever we try, we know it won’t work in Hell. So if we manage to make it work, then we’ll know for sure we’re not in Hell.”

“Brilliant,” said Peter. “What do you suggest we try?”

“In our current state, I think just standing up should represent enough of a challenge.”

I rolled away from Peter to give myself a little space. Then I attempted to raise my upper body away from the ground, while at the same time flipping my legs underneath. It was a hopelessly complicated maneuvre that should never have had any chance of success, but suddenly there I was, standing up straight in the middle of the cell.

“I think we can safely assume we’re not in Hell,” I said to Peter, who likewise had somehow managed to raise himself to his feet.

“So we must still be in Heaven.” said Peter. “Does that mean any escape plan we make is bound to work?”

I lowered myself to the ground and tried to think through the logic behind Peter’s presumption, but only succeeded in tying my brain into three types of knots simultaneously. Sure, I knew that in Hell things always went wrong, but did that mean that in Heaven they always went right? The idea was alluring, but it had hardly been confirmed by my recent experiences. “I suppose it means that it won’t definitely fail,” I said at last.

“If it won’t definitely fail, that means it might just have a chance of succeeding,” said Peter, coming down to lie beside me.

Peter had a point. A plan with a slim chance of succeeding was better than no plan at all. What did we have to lose by trying? After all, this was Heaven. Maybe things here didn’t always turn out right, but surely the big things, the ones that really mattered, would work out in the end. If I couldn’t believe that, then what could I believe?

“So tell me more about that last plan you mentioned,” I said after a quick assessment of which of Peter’s ideas was least implausible. “The one with the guard and the wooden leg.”

“You really want to hear it?”

“I’m not going anywhere, so I might as well.”

“Well, first of all we have to lure the guard into the cell.”

“How do you propose we do that?”

“I don’t know. Tell him it’s his birthday and we’ve baked a cake?”

“Sounds reasonable to me. What happens next?”

Peter thought for a moment. “We’ll have you lying on the ground just inside the door, so as soon as he comes into the cell, he’ll trip over you. Once he’s on the ground, I’ll sit on him while you unscrew his wooden leg. It’s a right-hand thread, make sure you remember. You use the leg to hit him over the head and knock him out. Then, if you shake the leg, you’ll discover there’s a little knife hidden in a secret compartment inside. All we have to do is cut our ropes and we’ll be free.”

“Perfect,” I said. “You’ve covered every angle.”

“Do you really think it will work?”

“Well, we know it won’t definitely fail, and that’s good enough for me. Are you ready? One, two, three.”

Peter and I began to sing Happy Birthday at the top of our lungs. Almost immediately, there was a response.

“What’s going on in there?” It was a gruff voice from the other side of the door.

“What do you think?” I shouted back. “It’s your birthday.”

“It’s my birthday today?” The voice didn’t sound too certain.

“Of course it is. How could you possibly forget?”

“We’ve baked you a cake,” added Peter.

“What sort of cake?”

“What sort do you like?” I said.

“Double choc-fudge with strawberry fondant, sprinkled with icing sugar, and topped with a single glacé cherry.” I could almost hear the voice salivating as it spoke.

“That’s the one,” I said. “That’s exactly the cake we’ve baked for you. Are you going to come in and try some or do we have to eat it all ourselves?”

There was a pause for a couple of seconds. “I’m not sure if I should.”

“Come on,” said Peter. “You can’t mean to tell us we’ve spent all this time baking for nothing.”

“All right, I’ll have a piece. But only a small one, understand?”

“Of course,” I said. “You’ve got lots of important work to do.”

There was the sound of a key being placed in a lock, and a click as a bolt was pulled back. In a flash, I rolled across to the door just as it opened to reveal a tall, stocky shadow.

“Wait a minute,” said the shadow. “I don’t see no cake in here.”

Then he took a step into the cell. His feet caught on my prostrate body and he went sprawling to the ground.

With a cry, Peter launched himself into the air, coming down with a thud on top of the shadowy figure’s back. The figure let out a yell and began to twist and flail, nearly sending Peter flying. But the old man was just able to hang on, balancing precariously atop the heaving, tossing mass like a wizened surfer atop a particularly treacherous wave.

“Quickly, Jimmy,” he called. “Get the leg off.”

I twisted around so that I was lying on the floor facing away from the man on the ground. Then I reached backwards with my hands and grabbed at the nearest leg. It was a normal leg, no different from mine, apart from the fact that it was probably three times as thick. I rolled around the thrashing figure and reached for the other leg. I stretched my hands back as far as I could, desperately hoping my fingers would touch cold, hard wood, and trying not to remind myself how ridiculous this plan really was.

My fingers found the leg. It was cold and hard and definitely woody. I grasped the leg firmly and gave it a twist. The guard howled in pain and began to writhe even harder, rocking Peter like a wild bull in a rodeo.

“Hurry up!” he cried.

“The leg isn’t coming off,” I cried back. “I can’t unscrew it.”

“Right-hand thread!” Peter screamed. “Right-hand thread!”

I turned the leg the other way, and suddenly it gave. I kept on turning until finally the leg came out of the man’s trousers and fell with a rattle onto the ground. I rolled towards it, but immediately found another problem. With my hands tied behind my back, I could pick up the leg but that was about it.

“How am I going to hit him with the leg? I can barely move my hands.”

“Your feet,” Peter yelled, his voice quavering from the strain of staying atop the bucking figure. “Grab it in your feet.”

I dropped the leg, twisted around, and picked it up between my feet. Then I slithered along the floor like a seasick caterpillar until I was lying adjacent to the man’s head.

“Quickly,” Peter cried. “I can’t stay on much longer.”

I raised my legs and then lowered them again, bringing the wooden leg down upon the guard’s head with all the force I could muster. Straightaway, his movements ceased. Peter rolled back onto the ground and lay there panting.

“The knife,” he said. “Shake the leg and the knife should fall out.”

I raised my legs again, holding the wooden leg up above the ground and shaking it for all I was worth, but nothing came out of it.

“You’re holding it the wrong way,” Peter said. “Give it to me.” He lifted his feet up and somehow I managed to pass the wooden leg across to him. He deftly flicked it over, and a small knife fell to the ground with a clang.

Peter dropped the leg and rolled towards the knife. He picked it up in his hands and rolled back to me. We both twisted around so that we were lying back to back, and he cut the ropes at my wrist. I took the knife from him and cut the ropes at my ankles. Then I cut the ropes on Peter’s wrists and ankles, and we both stood up, unbound at last.

The guard was still lying on the ground with the keys in his hand, completely oblivious to everything around him. I grabbed the keys, and then Peter and I walked out of the cell and into a dark tunnel, closing and locking the cell door behind us. We were free.

“Do you have any idea where we are?” I said to Peter as we made our way along the tunnel.

“Nowhere in Heaven I’ve ever been before.”

We continued walking. It was damp and musty. Water dripped down on us from the ceiling and cobwebs brushed our faces.

“What made you think of that plan?” I said. “The wooden leg, the right-hand thread. How did you come up with all those details?”

“Simple,” said Peter. “It’s how the detective escapes in the book I’m writing.”

“So what happens next?”

“I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know? You’re the one who wrote it.”

“Yes, but that’s as far as I’ve gotten.”

“Well I guess I can take it from here. Our next plan should be to find a way out.” I paused for a moment, listening intently. “Before someone else finds us.”

Peter stopped too. We could both hear it now. The sound of footsteps, ahead of us and approaching quickly. We turned and hurried back the way we had come, eventually finding a small alcove in the wall. We squeezed in and waited as the footsteps grew louder. Then, out of the shadows, a figure emerged. Short and skinny, he appeared as threatening as an anorexic kitten.