A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Heaven (22 page)

M-theory deals with multidimensional realities, which is an extension of string theory. Before you burn this book in protest, let me get to the point on this example: it deals with low-entropy content. For those who do not know, entropy explains that in nature all systems are breaking down. It is one of the reasons why perpetual-motion machines will never work on this plane of existence. So low-entropy content involves cycles that fade much more slowly than others. I include it here because in my intelligent energy idea, it may explain why some ghosts are more cognizant than others are. Even though matter and energy do not break down, the sentient thought may erode. Also, because string theory deals with the eleven dimensions that have been identified, maybe these spirits can transgress the membranes of these dimensions.

Please tell me you are not bored right now. This is fascinating stuff, really. I have never committed the time to looking for answers like this. I know this chapter may have many of you wishing death on me, but this explanation is necessary. For the skeptics this very well may be reasonable doubt. For the believers like myself, it is a valid exercise so we can all say, “Maybe we are not all crazy!” Unfortunately, for the zealots it may give them ammo for the whole heaven thing. But I take my chances and push on. Now the scientific folk may just turn around and dismiss this because I have not based any of this on my own research; I have merely stood on tiptoes and grabbed other people’s jelly on the higher shelves. Fair enough. That is of course a valid point. But the eternal bastard in me may just reverse the poles on that and say it does not mean I am wrong, just lazy.

Moving on!

A zero-point energy field is the minimum energy a quantum mechanical system may have. This means the body can coalesce even with the most slender bit of energy to draw from. So in a zero-point energy field, it could be possible for a ghost to manifest by drawing from the heat in the air, the electricity of any mechanical machinery close by, or even any heat that a live person’s body gives off. We talked about batteries being drained and going dead just prior to paranormal activity. This would mean that the spirit could borrow energy from any number of places. In the Mansion in California, the thermostat was constantly jumping up, until it was unbearably hot. Could this be because the spirits were encouraging the temperature in order to draw that very heat and materialize? It is an interesting concept—this would mean that it knew how to amp up its own manifestation, which would suggest intelligent thought. Of course, it could mean that the thermo was rubbish and I am an asshole of the highest caliber. This is all guesswork, mind you—I have no doctorates, no diplomas, no documentation to suggest my ideas have any basis in reality. I am smarter than the average bear and loaded with imagination—nothing more. But in a sense it does make sense.

This is where it gets tricky, because some of the following theories are not widely accepted. Truly, during my research, a lot of this data carried a disclaimer that some of these ideas required a sort of ratification or endorsement. This was true even on Wikipedia, where anyone and their fucking mom can change information regularly. On Wikipedia, people have changed my own page several times erroneously, making my middle name Josh and saying I had done extensive work with Tech Nine, both of which are not true. It is a website I tend to avoid like a gnarly dose of syphilis, but I found myself on it just doing backup work. So if even Wikipedia is not sure whether or not the following ideas are okay to list, a written caution by myself would almost be a requisite. So you have been warned: some of these ideas are nefarious in nature . . . and Wikipedia is fucking bullshit.

Quantum interconnectivity deals with quantum entanglement, which is a form of quantum superposition, or duality. It reads, “a measurement is made and it causes one member of such a pair to take on a definite value.” It goes on to say that “the other member of this entangled pair will be found to have taken on the appropriately correlated value in a mirror-image action.” This is apparently limited to the speeds of normal space-time. But this is where the debate flares up. The argument is whether or not “a classical underlying mechanism could explain why this correlation occurs instantaneously even when the separation distance is large.” In other words, in this scenario, suppose the mirror-image action is the body and the spirit divorced from one another. Would both have sentient thought? If we just looked at this from the point of view of the NDE, how far can a soul be from its body and still thrive? If we are to take it on face value, this is not possible. And yet we see example after example of just the opposite. In my own experience even those who refuse to take it seriously have described flying during dreams and astral projection. This is not contrary evidence; this is just expounding on my part. This idea raises more questions than answers, so it is just an example of how these spirits might exist.

If you thought that was strange, you are going to love this.

Quantum consciousness deals with the quantum mind. It is a hypothesis proposing that classical mechanics cannot explain human consciousness. I mean let’s be honest: consciousness is still a mystery, even after years of study. We have mapped the brain extensively, but there are still no reasons why “we think, therefore we are.” We are walking, talking miracles of undisclosed information. People go on and on, waxing poetically about the human plights of sentient thought, but there are no facts about the soul and willpower—only really good guesses. Incidentally, when I was doing my research, I tried to find some scientific studies about willpower. The only articles that popped up were seminars on how to be a more positive thinker in the workplace . . . and, of course, how to quit smoking. So this is me putting together some ideas on how willpower may influence things like energy and the human soul. Quantum mechanical phenomena like entanglement and superposition may play an important role in the brain’s function and might someday form the basis of an explanation of consciousness, but at this moment, when we are capable of seeing the light from galaxies that emanated before this planet was even created and is only now reaching us, there are still so many mysteries here in the confines of our own souls.

Quantum synchronicity is a bit of fiddly work. The reason I bring it up here is because I believe it could explain why both sides of this debate may be right. In other words, my chances of being on target are just as good as the folks with the white coats and the PhDs. This is summed up in the EPR paradox, written by Albert Einstein, Boris Podolsky, and Nathan Rosen—the aforementioned EPR, respectively. My ideas may be supported by this paradox, specifically the second half, which says that information—or, in this case, proof—may be encoded in “hidden parameters.” They were trying to debunk another piece of quantum physics and in doing so, basically came up with the idea that just because you have not found the answers, that does not mean the answers are not there. At least that is the way I read it. I happily look forward to your letters of disgust.

Here is a last little bit of my examples of plausibility: gravitational singularity, or space-time singularity. This is “a location where the quantities that are used to measure the gravitational field become infinite in a way that does not depend on the coordinate system.” To me, that may mean that the spirits in question, according to my intelligent energy idea, may be able to sustain themselves by borrowing from different sources of power. Gravitational singularity deals with the curvatures of space-time and includes a measure of the density of matter. Only in the last few years have we realized that the darkness of space—the black shit we see surrounding the stars at night—is matter, not just emptiness. So the idea is that everything has matter, even on a macrolevel, and if everything has matter, that means everything (and I do mean everything) has the potential to produce energy.

So, based on that last paragraph, let me break this shit down like a hardcore band for you. The spirit (a location where the quantities are measured in the gravitational field) can separate from the body (the coordinate system that the location does not need to depend on) and sustain itself through other sources of energy, which I surmise from all of the information I have spewed on the corresponding pages. If the last century has showed me anything, it is that anything is possible. From governing dynamics to thermodynamics, the only basis to support a negative retort to the idea of intelligent energy—or ghosts—is skeptical narcissism. Those who have higher degrees of education are pedantic enough to argue these points until they are blue in the face, and yet there are so many things that can support the idea, and that is all this is—an idea. I am not bucking for a Nobel Prize or even an Ignoble Prize; I am merely trying to make sense of the things I have seen and experienced in the best way I know how—through the many trains of fact and supposition that science has afforded us over the millennia. Even Einstein was not taken seriously when he first theorized that space was curved; it was not until pictures were carefully taken of a solar eclipse that he was proven right. But he knew it all along. Remember: the answers may indeed be in those “hidden parameters.”

I refuse to revert to myth or other tales of the past that tried to explain these things according to tired examples of imagination. I will never subscribe to a method of immediate dismissal, because that is what so many nonbelievers have done based solely on the fact that it does not make sense to them. How can so many people talk about basically the same things and yet still have so many intellects treat these ideas as detritus? How can so many people have the gift of knowledge and not see there may be something there? When imagination and intellect graft themselves together, we find ourselves swimming in possibility, not detriment. If this were the case, people would have never pushed through the veils of prospect to the land of discovery. We would have virtually none of the many wonderful advancements we have today, from pasteurization to space travel. Someone had to go first. Someone had to leave the pack of nay-saying bastards and take the faltering steps toward the unknown. I am in no way saying that person is me—I am just a messenger. But my role is to present possible ideas, not semantics and bullshit. The status quo is not always right, and that, to me, is a relief. If it were, the world would be worse because of it.

Did you know that when a person dies, they are twenty-one grams lighter than when they were alive? This disrupts the whole idea of “dead weight,” quite frankly. Dead weight only means the difficulty of carrying a dead body because the body in question cannot get involved, making it hard to coordinate. And god knows I have carried my share of dead bodies—er, I mean, god knows I have watched several movies in which carrying a dead body looks like it would be uncomfortable and watching said movie in no way means I engaged in any unsavory or illegal behavior and can also account for whereabouts on any given night in question, officer. I have no idea where I was at this point in the conversation . . . something about a movie . . . wait, Sean Penn . . . Benicio Del Toro . . . OH YEAH!! 21 Grams—awesome flick, you should see it. And before you ask, yes, I am feeling much better now.

The twenty-one grams idea has been tested, and it seems to be true. This suggests that the human soul has mass. We already know that the soul is energy. Now we know it has mass. As I said before and as scientific discovery has told us, mass and energy do not break down. They do not go away. So the human soul cannot go away. Seeing as I do not believe in heaven, there are so many plausible instances and scenarios available if you put your mind to it. The energy could be distributed to other systems. The spirit could be recycled into another life form, vis-à-vis reincarnation, which is probable when you put it in context. But by that notion, applying these ideas to the same examples, it is indeed possible for a spirit to exist when it is broken from its host.

So the question now becomes: what kind of energy is it?

Yeah, at this point I am just showing off. Plus I am fairly certain I just triggered thousands of new headaches. I hate to think I am making any of you think. But then again, if you do not think, how else are you going to learn? My Board of Education has holes drilled in it and leaves a vicious wound. In other words, the truth might hurt, but facts only sting, so bite down and bear with me.

Maxwell’s Equation, which I mentioned earlier, deals with commonality between the three major sources of electromagnetic fields: light, magnetism, and electricity. All three travel at the speed of light, which is approximately 186,000 miles per second. These are the Big Three, our major sources of energy. What if the human spirit was a fourth? It is an intriguing idea that unfortunately raises more questions than it answers. I will delightfully give you a respite from all this hogwash for a while.

Here is a great way to change it up: Ouija boards are fucking horseshit.

I cannot tell you how many exasperating arguments I have had with people over the relevance and demonstrative features of these pieces of shit from Parker Brothers. It was not even originally designed for contact with the dead: it was supposed to be an artistic form of automatic writing, a way to contact your “self.” But ever since movies like The Exorcist and Witchboard, Goths and nutbags everywhere carry these things into graveyards and abandoned buildings to “talk to the other side,” like these boards are some type of MagicJack Plus subscription or something. What happens when the dead reverse the charges, I wonder?

It does not get much more beyond the fringe than a fucking Ouija board, and it does not take much more effort to fuck with people than to participate maliciously in a ceremony in which one such board is involved. I have never given them much thought—to me, they are no different than cold readers, tarot cards, and divining the future through tea leaves—the soft-core porn of the astrology sects. But nevertheless people are convinced the Ouija board is a broadband CB radio to the afterlife. They have used them for contacting everyone from Houdini to Elvis. Some friends invited me to one of the things—they called it a séance, which is a nice way to dress up a bullshit session or a meeting of vapid minds. So I begrudgingly acquiesced. But I had silly high jinks in mind.