A Girl's Guide to Guns and Monsters (12 page)

Before Helen could ask her what the hell she meant by that, Leis strode into Serendipity’s dining room. It was packed to the gills, full of seated couples and families doing the tourist thing. The ceiling was white pressed tin, and just below it hung the restaurant’s famous Tiffany glass structure that was a mix of pop art, twisted wires, and glass butterflies. Helen thought it stood out against the whitewash of the surrounding walls like a wrecked car on the West Side Highway. Red hearts of all shapes and sizes were stuck to every wall.

As Helen watched Leis walk through the crowd, a few heads turned. Helen shook her head. Leis was stubborn over simple stuff, like policing who ate what food in the common room fridge. God only knew what she’d do if she found James in here . . .

Helen watched the crowd fall silent as Leis wandered through the tables. The waitstaff didn’t quite know what to do about a woman with a crossbow in the shop. They just stood there, holding large cut crystal chalices filled with their signature frozen hot chocolates, an iced slush of chocolate topped with a mountain of whipped cream drizzled with even more chocolate on top. They were so huge a small child could probably bathe in one of them. Helen looked closer at the tables around the room. Practically every table had one or two of them on it.

Never having tasted one, Helen was curious, but turned back to Leis, who was looking at one particular couple a few tables away where she had caught the eye of the man sitting there. Leis dashed over to it and grabbed the well-dressed man by his tie, pulling it tight. The woman he was sitting with started to stand, but Leis pointed her crossbow at her and used her foot to kick her back into her seat.

“Hey!” the woman shouted.

Leis shot her a look over the crossbow that killed any further outbursts.

The man cleared his throat. “Do . . . do I know you?” he asked, looking confused.

Leis tightened her grip, not giving the man an inch of wiggle room. “What’s your name?”

The man looked perplexed, his mouth hanging open, stuttering. “D-D-Darrin.”

“Darrin
what
?”

“Darrin Georgiou.”

Leis searched his face while Helen watched in horror. Something in his eyes told her that there was nothing but fear behind them. Leis let go of his tie, and he slumped back in his seat, not daring to move.

“It’s not him,” Leis said. She straightened, her shoulders relaxing.

“Ya think?” Helen asked. She looked around the room, the eyes of everyone burning into her. “I could have told you that wasn’t James. Can’t you identify your ex? I know you’ve dated a lot, but it would probably help if you could at least remember their faces.” Helen’s gaze met the woman’s at the table and she smiled weakly. She could imagine her later telling the cops all about the attractive, leggy blonde and her shorter, less attractive companion. “Sorry about that. I think my friend is tripping. C’mon, Leis. Let’s get out of here.”

“We’re not leaving,” Leis said. She scanned the sea of faces. “Listen up! I’m looking for a guy.”

Most of the crowd was silent, but one of the men at a nearby table still managed to snicker. Leis turned on him, leveling the crossbow.

“Funny,” she said. “Aren’t all us girlie girls, right?” With the business end of a crossbow pointed at him, the man fell silent. Leis turned from him to address the room.

“Not sure what he might look like right about now, but he probably goes by one of several names. James Valens, John Dearly, Jason Love, Jeffrey L’Amour . . . he gets a kick out of all those names. Me? Not so much. Anyone heard of him?”

The crowd looked back at her with blank faces. Helen thought that if this had been a less touristy kind of place—more true New York, maybe—someone would have been telling them to shut up and sit down by now, but instead the room remained quiet.

“Fine,” Leis said. “Have it your way.
Don’t
talk.”

“Great,” Helen said, feeling a bit relieved. “Your ex isn’t here. Can we leave now?”

Leis shook her head. “He’s been here, though.”

“How can you tell?” Helen asked.

Leis took a deep breath and scrunched up her face. “Love,” she said, tapping a finger against her ear. “It’s in the air. Listen.”

Helen concentrated, listening to the sounds of the room. There was now a low whisper among the crowd, but Helen was sure no one dared raise their voice enough to catch Leis’ attention. Above it all was the sound of tinkling glass . . . from above. Helen and Leis both looked up. The crazy mobile was rocking back and forth, pieces of metal and glass brushing up against each other with the gentle sway. Three small, humanoid
things
moved in and out along the structure. Helen’s heart raced—she had never seen anything like them in her life. The leathery- winged little beasts clung to the art piece with sharp talons, looking like some perverted form of monster children with greasy little mops of hair. At the moment, they were trying to undo the couplings holding the structure to the ceiling.

“What the hell are those?” Helen asked, not quite trusting her eyes.

Leis circled another table to get a better view. “I’m not sure exactly,” she said, unfastening what Helen imagined was some kind of safety on the crossbow, “but they don’t look like anything I’m familiar with. But at a best guess? Cherubim.”

One of the gnarled little creatures looked down at Helen. Its eyes widened and its lips pulled back as it emitted a shrieking hiss, causing the crowd to erupt into chaos as they leapt from their seats screaming. The beast stayed focused on Helen as it leapt into flight. Helen dove under a nearby table as it passed overhead.

Leis hadn’t even moved. She tracked the creature in its flight across the room using the shiny metal tip of the crossbow bolt as her guide. Aiming slightly ahead of it, Leis pulled the trigger. The bolt flew over the crowd and hit the creature square in its chest, cutting through its leathery skin like it was paper. The creature curled in on itself, falling from the air and slamming into the lap of a stunned little girl a few tables away. She let out a scream that was far worse than the one the creature had made. The little girl shoved the monster off her lap and burst from her chair, her shrill screams breaking the spell over the dumbfounded remains of the crowd, sending the last of the patrons running double time to clear the place.

Helen’s table had been overturned in everyone’s rush for the doors, leaving her curled in an exposed ball out in the open. Leis grabbed Helen by the arm, and lifted her to her feet.

“Get up,” Leis said, “before you get trampled.”

“Sorry,” Helen said, shaken. She pulled her arm from Leis and stared at the dead creature on the floor not too far from them. “You sure this is a cherub? I thought they were supposed to be, you know, cute chubby little kids.”

“Doesn’t look that way to me,” Leis said, already pulling back the crossbow’s drawstring and notching another bolt. “That’s what you get for studying for your history of art final on Wikipedia.”

Leis turned back to the other two creatures still high overhead. The closer of the two was hitting one of the restraints holding the mobile in place, causing the structure to sway back and forth precariously.

“Stop them,” Helen shouted. “Before they destroy it!”

“That doesn’t matter,” Leis said, firing off a second shot. “All that matters is that they die.”

The bolt blurred through the air, but the mobile was swaying far too much to get a clear shot at the second monster. Instead, it smashed through one of the panes of glass and kept going, tearing a hole in one of the creature’s wings before lodging in its arm. With a screech, the monster started to fall, flapping wildly to no avail. It caught one of the metal bars along the bottom of the structure, flipping over and dangling in midair.

“Crap,” Leis said, running underneath the struggling monster. The creature’s feet flailed over her head as she jumped up and caught it by a bony ankle. The mobile pitched wildly, but the creature’s grip broke and it came free. Leis used its momentum and slammed its body straight into the floor. In an instant, it rolled like a cat trying to right itself, but Leis’ foot was quicker and she pressed her boot into its neck.

Helen looked on in horror. “Jesus, Leis, when did you become such a killing machine?”

Leis twisted her foot until the creature’s neck snapped. The winged beast thrashed once more, then lay still. “All’s fair in love and war,” she said.

Exasperated, Helen shook her head. “Leis—”

Leis cut her off. “Don’t ‘Leis’ me,” she said, but didn’t get any further.

A cacophony filled the room, and they looked up to see the mobile crash down on them. The last of the creatures rode down with it, cackling maniacally like a “Gremlins” version of “Doctor Strangelove.” There was nothing to do but cover their faces and hope for the best.

The mobile hit the floor with a thunderous crash, pinning them both underneath. Glass and metal was everywhere. The Tiffany butterflies had shattered, their once beautiful wings now jagged shards that hung from broken twists of wire. Helen’s lower half of her body was caught in the tangle and she looked over at Leis to see if she was okay while she cautiously tried to free herself.

Leis was dead center under the mess of it all and looked dazed by the impact, but a second later, she was fighting for her freedom. Pinned, Leis heaved upward and the mobile moved a little, allowing her to lift it. Getting to her knees, Leis repositioned herself to support the broken structure’s weight, then carefully stood and started to work her way out from under it. Helen was impressed by her friend’s strength, but it was a fleeting feeling amidst the chaos of the situation, especially when she saw the last creature climbing up the side of Leis’s body.

Its sharp talons were digging into Leis’ shirt, but Leis didn’t seem to notice. She looked too busy concentrating on the tangle of broken mobile all around her. Helen was too winded to even call out to her. It wasn’t until the creature dug its talons deep into the flesh on Leis’s left side and a small stream of blood began running down her shirt that she even seemed to notice. She flinched and finally looked down at the little monster hanging there with grim determination on its twisted face.

Helen knew that she herself would have been screaming by now, but not Leis. She looked both horrified and repelled, but remained quiet. She let go of the mobile, its full weight dropping onto her shoulders. She teetered under the force of the blow, but remained upright.

With ferocity on her face, Leis grabbed at the monstrosity and pulled. It was reluctant to let go, but in the end, there was no contest. Leis tore it free from her shirt, the creature writhing in her hands. She adjusted her grip, taking it by its wings, making it impossible for the creature to get a good swipe at her.

Helen could see Leis tiring from the struggling creature’s ferocious movements. With the weight of the damned mobile still crushing her, there was little Leis could do other than maintain her current position. Helen had to help her and quick.

“Leis!” Helen called, finally able to move now that the mobile was resting on Leis’ back. She rolled out from under the mobile toward one of the large glass vessels of frozen hot chocolate that had fallen on the floor nearby. Remarkably, its contents were still intact right down to the mountain of whipped cream topping it. Helen wrapped her left hand around it. She pulled her arm back then slid the whole thing forward, launching it across the floor toward Leis. The contents threatened to spill out, but the chalice’s weight and speed helped it bowl any obstacles out of its way. It slid to a stop at Leis’ feet.

Leis dropped back to her knees. The mobile crushed down on her, pushing her down to the restaurant floor, but thankfully not before she got her free hand under her.

The creature was able to get its feet under it as well, giving it a bit of leverage. The creature twisted its gnarled upper torso, pulling its wings free from Leis’ hand. Turning, it pulled back its lips, revealing dangerous rows of tiny teeth. The monster lunged for the hand that had been holding it, but Leis was faster. Her hand flashed behind its grotesque head, grabbing the stringy patch of greasy hair and forcing its face into the frozen drink.

Unable to breathe, the creature went wild trying to free itself, but Leis didn’t let up. The drowning monster thrashed around, flapping its wings like a bug caught in a zapper. Leis held it there until the strength ebbed from the creature as the fight went out of it, and after one last, convulsive effort, it went limp. Leis let go of it and it remained face down in the dessert, unmoving.

Helen worked her way over, lifting the fallen mobile up to help her friend out from underneath. Leis stood after first recovering her crossbow. Helen looked around as she waited for Leis. The shambles of a restaurant was empty, with the sound of sirens rising in the distance, growing ever closer.

“We should go,” Leis said.

Helen dropped the mobile. It fell to the floor of the restaurant and the last of the Tiffany glass fell from it, sounding like an angry set of wind chimes. Helen dusted whipped cream and glass off her clothes. She looked over at Leis. “Go where? He wasn’t here, remember?”

Leis was already walking off toward the door, grabbing the wintery cape she’d left by it. “But he
had
been here,” she said. “Or didn’t you notice the little winged beasties?”

Helen held her arms out as if showcasing the debris around them like some kind of crisis-oriented Vanna White. “We came. I saw. You conquered.”

Leis laughed, despite what had just happened.

Helen smiled back. “So if your ex isn’t here, where is he then?”

Leis held the door open, waiting for Helen to cross the room and join her. “He’s moving downtown,” Leis said. “And I think I know where.”

Helen gestured out the door. “Lead on, McRough.”

 

On the street, Helen had to practically run to keep up with her much taller roommate. For mid-February, it was uncommonly warm. Helen wondered how Leis could stand it under that black fashionista cloak of hers, but she guessed if you wanted to hide a crossbow and who knew what else, it was a small price to pay. Even with all that extra bulk, following Leis was still no easy task.