A Girl's Guide to Moving On (29 page)

“I promised you that I wouldn't cook or clean for Sean.”

“No way. I don't care if you be mad. You have serious discussion and it not change my mind.”

Oh, how I loved Nikolai. He made me so happy that it was hard not to love him. “I talked to my son yesterday about his father. Something is going on between the two of them, but I don't know what it is. Jake is angry with his father, but he is refusing to discuss it with me.” It hurt me that Jake felt the way he did.

“I am sorry to hear,” Nikolai whispered.

“This morning I talked to Sean and asked if he'd like me to hire a cleaning service for him. He said he would greatly appreciate if I would.”

“You not clean?” he clarified.

“No, but I'll find a company who can come in and see to it.”

“Sean not able to do this on his own?”

The truth was Sean could, but he hadn't to this point. Rather than admit that, I subtly changed the subject. “He's returning to work in a few days and he asked that I not let anyone in the office know the diagnosis.”

“If it happen to me I not want people to know,” Nikolai agreed.

I was grateful for his understanding.

We walked a short distance before he asked, “That all you do, right? Find cleaning person?”

“Later I might need to hire a caregiver.” I didn't trust that task to Jake or to the elusive Barbara.

“When the time comes, I help. Okay?”

“Okay.”

My arm tightened around Nikolai's. “There's one last thing Sean asked me to do for him this week.”

“Whatever it is I go with you.”

“Not this time, Nikolai. This is something Sean and I need to do alone.”

“Whatever it is he ask you I not like.” He narrowed his eyes. “What it is he want you for now?”

“Sean wants me to help plan his funeral and pick out his casket.”

Nikolai went still and quiet. “I not like. I not trust this man, but if you feel you need to do this, then okay. I not keep you from your promise.”

“Thank you, Nikolai.”

“He not love you.”

“I know.”

“I am the one who love you.”

“And I'm the one who loves you.”

Nikolai beamed me another one of his beautiful smiles and then walked me to my car. I would see him later that evening and I looked forward to it.

Jake asked to see me on Tuesday afternoon and I agreed. We hadn't spoken since Cassie's wedding and I assumed he wanted to apologize. His behavior at the reception was completely out of character for him. I knew, given time, he'd regret making a scene.

We met at a Starbucks close to the high school. He was waiting for me by the time I arrived and was sitting at a table in the corner by the window. I saw that he'd bought me a drink. He stood as I approached, his eyes dark and serious.

“You look”—he paused and cleared his throat—“beautiful, as always.”

“Thank you.” I saw the regret in his eyes as I took a seat. How different our lives might have been if he'd taken into consideration the consequences of his cheating.

“I got you a skinny mocha latte,” he said, scooting the drink a little closer to my side of the table.

He remembered that was my favorite. “That was thoughtful.” It would forever remain a mystery how my ex-husband could be considerate and kind about the small details of life and disregard the most basic.

Jake sipped his coffee. “I thought it was time we talked.”

“I agree.”

“First off, I'm sorry about showing up at Cassie's wedding. That was stupid of me.”

“I agree,” I said, echoing my earlier comment. “I appreciate the apology, Jake. I don't want us to be enemies. We're Owen's parents and it's important that we treat each other with respect.”

“I want that, too.” He shifted and leaned slightly forward. “There's another reason I asked you to meet me this afternoon.”

“Okay.” With Christmas approaching, there could be any number of details we needed to sort through. We had our parenting plan in place and this was his year to have Owen for Christmas Day. I didn't like to think of not having my son with me, but I was a fair person.

“I'm not doing this to start a legal war between us, Nichole. I want you to know that.”

“A legal war?” I repeated, both flustered and alert at once. “What do you mean?”

“The bottom line is I don't feel good about you dating Rocco. I don't know how involved you are with him or if you're sleeping with him—”

I cut him off. “What's between Rocco and me is none of your business.” I could feel my anger rising and struggled to hold on to my temper. My hand tightened around my latte. I didn't care if Jake liked Rocco or not. Jake had no say in who I dated.

“The man has a police record.”

“I know that.” Jake wasn't telling me anything I didn't already know. From the beginning, Rocco had been honest with me.

“He's spent time in jail.”

“I know all that,” I repeated, a bit more forcefully this time. “He paid for his crime and has moved on. He learned his lesson. Rocco isn't the same man he was fifteen years ago.”

Jake's gaze narrowed and his face was full of accusation. “I knew you were going to defend him. You're in love with him, aren't you?”

“That's not your concern.”

“And that's where you're wrong. It is very much my concern.”

“I think we're finished talking here.” I started to get up, but Jake firmly grabbed hold of my wrist.

I wanted to jerk free, and I would have if not for the unyielding hard look in his eyes. “Sit down, Nichole. We need to finish this conversation. Otherwise I'll have my attorney do it for me.”

My heart was pounding erratically and my breathing had gone shallow as I sat back down. Jake released my wrist and I sipped the latte because my mouth had gone surprisingly dry.

“Who you date is very much my concern, because of Owen. I don't want my son associating with a man who has a criminal record. If that makes me a bad guy, then so be it.”

All at once I knew where this was coming from. Jake was afraid Rocco was stealing Owen away from him. “You're jealous because Owen loves Rocco,” I said, hoping to reason with him, “but Jake, our son loves you, too. Owen is only three. The capacity of his heart is huge.”

Jake shook his head, refusing to listen. “Rocco is a negative influence.”

“How can you say that? Rocco has been great with Owen from the moment we met.”

“It's more than that,” Jake insisted.

“What do you mean?”

“Okay, fine, if you must know, I want our son to have bigger aspirations than driving a truck,” he said, and shook his head as though disgusted by the thought.

It probably wasn't a good idea to laugh, but I couldn't help myself. “Owen is three years old,” I reminded him. “He's going through a stage where he loves big trucks. I think it's a little premature to worry about his career choice now.”

“You think this is funny?” Jake demanded, his voice as hard as nails.

“Frankly, yes.”

“Trust me, it's not, Nichole. You have an option here, and if you think this is a bluff then you're dead wrong. I'm as serious as I've ever been in my life.”

“What is it you want from me?” I asked, finding this entire conversation preposterous. I could only hope that, given time, Jake would realize how ridiculous he sounded.

“I want you to stop seeing Rocco.”

I was stunned. “No way. I refuse to let you dictate my relationship with Rocco or any other man just because you don't happen to like the fact he drives a tow truck.”

“It's a lot more than his occupation, Nichole. It's his past.”

I refused to hold Rocco's past against him. “Everything you mentioned happened years ago.”

“I don't care. Either you break it off with Rocco or I'm going to file for full custody of Owen.”

Unable to speak, for one wild moment all I could do was stare at my ex-husband. Anger gripped me, followed by shock. I'd stood up to Jake from the moment I'd learned he'd cheated. I'd been strong, but when it came to my son and the possibility of losing him, I was immediately filled with terror. Jake knew Owen was my weakness. I couldn't lose Owen. I couldn't let Jake take my son away from me.

“As soon as I present the courts with the evidence of Rocco's past you won't have a leg to stand on. Sorry to use the cliché, but you know what I mean.”

“Are you serious, Jake?” I was light-headed from the shock of it. No way on earth could I afford the attorney fees to fight Jake. All at once I felt sick to my stomach.

“I had the papers drawn up already.” He pulled them out of his inside jacket pocket and handed them to me. I unfolded the sheets and read the contents. This wasn't a threat or a joke—Jake was serious. My head was reeling; I was unable to believe my ex would follow through with his threat.

“Will you do it, Nichole, or do you want this to get ugly?”

I stared back at him for a long time, taking into consideration what it would mean to get caught up in a legal battle.

“If you think I'm doing this for selfish reasons, you should know I've met someone, too. Carlie's a good person; we met at work, and she'd make Owen a wonderful stepmother. This isn't a bluff, Nichole. I don't want to file, but I will.”

Jake was serious.

“Either you break it off with Rocco or we're going to court. I won't have my son spending time with a felon. And it isn't just Rocco, it's the men he hires who are on work release. It isn't safe for you or our son to be around this man. What are you thinking, Nichole? Don't you understand the risk you're taking with Owen?”

I closed my eyes, battling down my outrage. “I…I won't let you manipulate me with threats.”

“Fine, then. I'm filing the petition.” He stood and I knew he wasn't bluffing.

“Okay, okay,” I said in a panic, unable to breathe. “I'll do it.” I was sick to my stomach and my head was throbbing. Everything Jake said about Rocco was true. He did have a record; he hired men on work release. I knew how all that would look before a court of law. I'd always been strong, standing up to Jake. I'd made difficult decisions before. Owen made me vulnerable, and Jake knew that. My son was everything to me. As much as I cared about Rocco, I wouldn't risk losing custody of Owen.

“I want to be sure we're clear,” he said. “You are agreeing to sever your relationship with Rocco?”

My heart was in my throat and I nodded.

“Say it.”

“I won't be seeing Rocco again.”

“Thank you,” Jake said, his voice softening. “I know you think I'm doing this for my own selfish reasons, but I'm not. I'm doing this for the sake of my son.”

I sat in my car and phoned Leanne to ask her to pick Owen up from daycare for me. Something in my voice must have alerted her to the fact that I was terribly upset.

“What's happened?” she asked.

“I…I need to talk to Rocco.” I still hadn't completely wrapped my head around Jake's ultimatum. One thing was certain: I needed to end it with him. My stomach was in knots, and the sooner I severed our ties the better. If I thought about it too much I might be tempted to stand up to Jake and take him on. I would if it was anything but custody of my son. The risk was too great.

I drove to Potter Towing and sat in the car for several minutes, wondering what I could say, how I would find a way to do this. Rocco had always been honest with me, never hiding his past. From the first he'd been completely open. It killed me to know I was going to hurt this man who'd only been decent and kind to Owen and me.

He deserved the truth, but I didn't dare tell him, for fear of how he'd react. I was afraid Rocco would confront Jake and it would be a standoff much like there'd been the night I picked up Owen when he was sick. Jake would look for a way to taunt Rocco into a fight and then have him arrested for assault. I could see it as clearly as an Oscar-winning movie.

The crux of Jake's demands wasn't his fear of Rocco corrupting Owen or me. Jake was jealous and he couldn't bear the thought of me loving another man. Nor could his ego take the fact that Owen looked up to and admired Rocco.

Once the trembling had subsided I climbed out of my car and went into the office. The minute Shawntelle saw me, she left her desk and hurried out of the glassed-in area. “You okay, girlfriend?” she asked. “You're pale as a ghost.”

I tried to smile. “Rocco around?”

“He's out on a run, but he should be back in the next thirty minutes. Come sit down. I'll get you some water or coffee or whatever you need.”

“Water,” I said, more to hold on to something than because of thirst.

Shawntelle brought me into her office and sat me down in the chair across from her desk. Rocco had been good enough to give her a chance, and I loved him for his willingness to hire her.

Shawntelle brought me a bottle of water and handed it to me. I sipped from it.

“You feel better now?”

Did I? Doubtful.
“Yes, thanks.”

“You look like someone died,” she said, and then slapped her hand over her mouth. “Did you lose someone, sweetie? Me and my big mouth. I can't seem to keep my foot out of it. I'm sorry.”

“No one died.” Something had, though. It was my heart. I had to remind myself the sole function of my heart was to pump blood, not to become emotionally involved. Especially if that meant I was going to be hurt or hurt someone else.

“I'm still seeing Jerome,” Shawntelle said, blushing a little, “and I haven't let him talk me into going to bed with him, either.” She laughed and sounded a little giddy. “Not that I haven't been tempted. I'm telling you right now that man could get a gold star for the way he kisses. I swear his kisses are strong enough to melt the panties right off me.”

I knew exactly how she felt. Rocco's kisses did the same for me. A stab of pain went through me at the thought of never being in his arms again.

“I'm thinking of introducing him to my kids. The way I figure it, if he still wants me after meeting all five of them, then he's worth keeping around. If he runs as far away from me as he can, I'll know all he wants is mattress time, and I ain't putting up with that.”