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Authors: Katherine Tarbox

A Girl's Life Online (10 page)

BOOK: A Girl's Life Online
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I liked making the cupcakes myself. I liked the feeling of losing myself in a project—measuring, mixing, baking, putting on the icing. I also liked the way the oven filled the kitchen with warmth and a sweet smell.
I inherited a taste for cake batters and cookie dough from my mother. But we're not the only ones who like it. Karen's family used to make cookie dough without the eggs so that they could eat it while their cookies baked. This time I ate just enough to make myself a little bit sick before I poured the remainder into the little floured cupcake tins.
As I turned the timer I decided I would go on-line to pass the minutes until the cupcakes were done. I walked down the ceramic-tiled hall to the study and turned on the new computer that had arrived at Christmas. I watched the waving clouds as Windows began to boot up. I typed in my screen name, which I had changed to katie26, and waited for the connection. While I did this, I reached for a box of Godiva chocolates my parents had given me in advance of my birthday. I don't care for most of the fruity ones, but I love the white chocolate starfish swirled with milk chocolate and filled with hazelnut. Biting off each leg, I watched the computer screen shift from page to page.
When I finally got on-line, I followed my normal routine, which meant starting by looking for Mark. I moved the mouse over the pad, feeling the little trackball slide. I clicked my way to a teen chat room and checked to see if Mr. Vallleyguy was there.
KATIE26:
Hi Mark, it's Katie!
I wrote, seeing his screen name.
VALLLEYGUY:
Hey Katie, Happy Thirteenth Birthday!
KATIE26:
Thanks, but it's Fourteenth you know.
VALLLEYGUY:
I'm so sorry, of course it's 14.
KATIE26:
No big deal.
VALLLEYGUY:
You gotta stop growing up, because pretty soon you'll be too old and you won't want to talk to me anymore.
KATIE26:
Impossible.
VALLLEYGUY:
Isn't it the middle of the night there?
KATIE26:
I couldn't sleep. I came downstairs and decided to bake cupcakes to take into school this morning, for my birthday.
VALLLEYGUY:
What kind of cupcakes?
KATIE26:
Just a mix.
VALLLEYGUY:
I wish I was there to have one.
KATIE26:
I'd give you one.
VALLLEYGUY:
What do you want for your birthday?
KATIE26:
I don't know. Christmas was so big, and it feels like it was only yesterday. I think I might get some clothes. My mother knows I'm in love with this gray wool cardigan with embroidered snowflakes and eye hook clasps. I wouldn't be surprised if she gets it for me.
VALLLEYGUY:
Are you having a party?
KATIE26:
Not this year.
VALLLEYGUY:
When I was a kid I didn't have parties, but I went to some and they were pretty cool, I mean, to kids.
KATIE26:
I got to have some pretty big parties when I was little. Not really fancy like some of the New Canaan kids got, but they were fun. I could invite anyone I wanted. No limit. In fourth grade I had a sleep-over for forty girls.
VALLLEYGUY:
Forty girls, WOW!
KATIE26:
The noise was unbelievable.
VALLLEYGUY:
A lot of squealing?
KATIE26:
I guess so.
VALLLEYGUY:
What are you doing this year?
KATIE26:
Well, my mother is in San Francisco for business, so our family isn't going to do anything until she comes back. Then we'll probably go out for some special dinner or something.
VALLLEYGUY:
Not on the actual birthday?
KATIE26:
Well, the way the whole scheduling thing works around here we're pretty flexible about celebrating things on the exact day. It doesn't feel exactly right to me. But with my mother, you pretty much have to accept things.
VALLLEYGUY:
So you're not going to have anything big on your special day, the actual day?
KATIE26:
No.
VALLLEYGUY:
Nothing at all?
KATIE26:
Well, the cupcakes in school.
VALLLEYGUY:
That's ridiculous. You should have something really good on your birthday, and I know what it should be.
KATIE26:
What?
VALLLEYGUY:
Why don't you come out here for the day?
KATIE26:
What?
VALLLEYGUY:
Come out to see me.
KATIE26:
Mark, you're in Los Angeles, not New York. I just can't pop out to see you.
VALLLEYGUY:
Actually, if you wanted to, you could. People do it all the time.
KATIE26:
Fourteen-year-olds?
VALLLEYGUY:
Some kids out here, like movie stars' kids, fly all over the place alone and it's no problem. You just call up a car service, let them take you to the airport, and then get on a plane and go to California.
KATIE26:
For the day?
VALLLEYGUY:
You can be here by twelve o'clock our time. You spend the day, take the red-eye back, and you're home in 24 hrs.
KATIE26:
It really works that way?
VALLLEYGUY:
I can even call the car service and the airline, give them my credit card numbers, and it would all be paid for.
KATIE26:
I don't have time to get ready.
VALLLEYGUY:
Look outside, Katie. It's 3 AM in Connecticut. You've got plenty of time.
KATIE26:
What about when I get to Los Angeles?
VALLLEYGUY:
I'll meet you right at the gate. If you are really nervous about the time we wouldn't even have to leave the airport.
KATIE26:
I'd really like to see you, but . . .
VALLLEYGUY:
Don't you trust me?
he wrote quickly.
KATIE26:
Of course I do. But how would I explain this to my parents?
VALLLEYGUY:
Tell them you're sleeping over at somebody's house.
KATIE26:
What about getting presents here?
VALLLEYGUY:
Believe me, Katie, if you come out here I'll give you whatever presents you want.
KATIE26:
I'm really flattered, Mark, but you know it's impossible.
VALLLEYGUY:
It's a nice little dream though, isn't it?
KATIE26:
Yes. And when I'm older I'll probably do it all the time.
VALLLEYGUY:
It is like going around the corner, really.
KATIE26:
So what's going on in your life?
I asked him.
VALLLEYGUY:
I'm going to a Super Bowl party over the weekend.
KATIE26:
Football is my least favorite sport, except for the Super Bowl halftime show. Remember when Michael Jackson did that heal-the-world thing? I was in fifth grade. I sobbed through all of it. Nobody lets me forget it, either. Every year around Super Bowl time the people in my family sing that song and ask me if I need a tissue.
VALLLEYGUY:
You know, football's an easy sport, and I could teach you about it, that way you could like it more.
KATIE26:
Did you play in high school or something?
VALLLEYGUY:
No, but I did date a few cheerleaders.
KATIE26:
Cheerleading is another sore subject with me.
VALLLEYGUY:
Why?
KATIE26:
I am totally against it. The little outfits make the girls into sex objects. And besides, women should play sports themselves, not just bounce around in response to men.
VALLLEYGUY:
I think you're wrong about some of it. I mean, some cheerleading is very athletic. They have competitions and everything. Look at the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders.
KATIE26:
I'd rather not.
VALLLEYGUY:
Okay, I get it.
KATIE26:
The cupcakes are done. I gotta go.
VALLLEYGUY:
Okay, Katie, when will we talk again?
KATIE26:
I'm really busy, but I'll look for you every time I'm on-line.
VALLLEYGUY:
Me too.
KATIE26:
Bye then.
VALLLEYGUY:
Okay. Bye birthday girl. Have a great day! I'll be thinking of you.
KATIE26:
I'll be thinking of you too. Bye!
Our calls became an everyday occurrence, along with the e-mails. Talking to Mark was easy, and every day I looked forward to it. I was more open with him than I had been with anyone else before. I usually revealed much more about myself than he did, but this didn't bother me. I thought this was normal. From the articles I had read in women's magazines about how to get men to open up, I thought girls always divulged more than guys. I liked it that he listened, and that he was very funny. He had an intelligent sense of humor, which I found attractive.
VALLLEYGUY:
What do you like on TV?
he asked me one night.
KATIE26:
I know it's silly, but I love The Simpsons.
VALLLEYGUY:
That's not silly.
KATIE26:
But it's a cartoon.
VALLLEYGUY:
The writing is actually very sophisticated. A lot of what they are doing is a spoof on other TV shows or things in society. I mean, Krusty the Clown is a takeoff on all those clown shows that were on TV when your Mom was a kid.
KATIE26:
That's so weird.
VALLLEYGUY:
But it's a parody. It's saying, Look at the violence that kids laugh at. Look at how they are manipulated to accept it.
KATIE26:
I know.
VALLLEYGUY:
Even the way Mr. Burns treats Homer is a commentary on work. Every time Homer walks into Mr. Burns' office, Mr. Burns can't remember his name. Homer's worked for him for years, but he can't ever remember his name.
KATIE26:
And I thought I was immature for liking that show.
VALLLEYGUY:
A lot of adults love that show, Katie. A lot.
Talking to Mark always made me feel good. This made keeping him a secret all the more painful. He was the best thing in my life, and hiding him didn't feel right at all. I needed to resolve my growing feelings about Mark, one way or another. I was either going to have to give in to my growing feelings of love and affection, or let go of him. Soon I would be going to Italy on a school trip. I decided to use this time away from him to settle matters in my mind, and in my heart, once and for all.
Apart
K
aren and I had signed up for the school trip to Italy in August, before we found out her brother was ill, before it became clear that we were drifting apart. When the time came to go, I hoped the trip would give us a chance to get closer again.
I also intended to use the time alone to think about Mark. I was a little worried about how much time we were spending together on-line and on the phone. When I told him I was going away, he wanted me to call him from Italy. This was too much. There was no way I was going to call him. Instead, without phone contact, without e-mail, I would reconsider the relationship without his influence. Part of me hoped I would decide he was not good for me. But I also knew that my feelings for him were strong, perhaps stronger than any I had ever felt for anyone before.
We flew from New York to Rome and then immediately on to Milan. After that it was a weeklong bus trip: Venice, Siena, Florence, Sorrento, Capri, Pompeii, and finally Rome. We saw much of the country, and it surprised me how diverse each region was, even in such a small area of land. It was not, by any measure, a vacation. I wouldn't call getting up early in the morning, visiting museums all day, and riding on a bus a vacation.
My favorite part of the trip was Capri, where we bought sandwiches and then walked up to a beautiful escarpment overlooking the sea. It had belonged to a Roman emperor who made criminals and enemies jump off the side of the cliff into the ocean.
As weird as it sounds, another of my favorite things about Italy was being able to get little green bottles of lemon-flavored Pellegrino. I fell in love with the sour taste and the soft fizz.
As I said, I had hoped that Karen and I would spend more time with each other, but we only shared a room for a few nights. Before we fell asleep, we indulged in what I call a little “girl bitch-out” time, which means we would discuss all the other girls on the trip. We nitpicked their clothes, recalled the annoying things they said, and made fun of everything down to the way they walked. One dorky girl, we called her “horse girl,” couldn't stop talking about riding. In New Canaan you're supposed to be over horses by the time you're thirteen or fourteen. So Karen made her the target of our gossiping, which in some weird way was supposed to help us bond again. It didn't work.
BOOK: A Girl's Life Online
6.63Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
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