A Headstrong Woman (38 page)

Alexandria looked at him dubiously. From the conversations she’d had with her mother and a couple of her married friends that sounded improbable, unless of course he wasn’t attracted to her. The thought made Alexandria feel physically sick.

“I…” she paused to swallow hard. Before she could form an answer, Ted spilled into the parlor.

“I nearly forgot that I’d brought some of your things,” Ted informed his brother. “Want me to bring them in?”

“First, I need to bring in the things I already had with me,” Jonathon admitted.

“I’ll help,” Ted offered and followed his brother to the bunkhouse. A few moments later, the two men, their arms laden, returned.

Jonathon, his gaze direct, looked to his wife.

“Lead the way, Alexandria,” he left the decision of where he was to sleep to her.

Alexandria turned on shaky legs and entered the house to climb the stairs. A million fractured thoughts raced through Alexandria’s head as she made the short climb to the top of the stairs, she would have been hard pressed, however, to make sense out of a single one of them.

She paused momentarily at the top of the stairs, her eyes going from her own room to the room that had been Elijah’s. She squared her shoulders and marched into her room. Her gaze fell on her bed and she swallowed hard. Alexandria shook her head and hurried to make room for her husband’s things; she avoided his gaze as she did so. Ted turned to go for the things he had brought as soon as he had emptied his arms.

Jonathon turned to his wife and smiled at her. Her trust was touching; her wide eyes were disconcerting. He wanted to kiss her; that seemed foolish, however, when he considered the pact he had just made with her. Impulsively, he leaned forward and brushed a light kiss across her lips before leaving the room.

Alexandria bit her lower lip and frowned after her husband. They weren’t off to a great start on this business of him keeping his hands to himself, she thought darkly. No, he hadn’t touched her, he had kissed her, technically he had kept his word; her frown deepened. This could get very sticky, she realized.

Jonathon followed his brother into the barn where Ted had left the trunks in the rented wagon he’d brought from town. He was wondering what his wife thought of his kissing her. He hoped that she liked it because while he wouldn’t press her into anything she wasn’t ready for, he intended to show her that he cared for her. Not only in being kind to her, but affectionately as well. It had only taken him minuets with her and her family to realize that she came from an affectionate family and he couldn’t help but wonder how she had survived a loveless marriage to Eli.

“Jonathon, I had no idea my timing would prove to be so bad. I’m going to get a room in town tonight,” Ted informed his brother as they each lifted a trunk from the wagon.

“That is completely unnecessary I assure you Ted. It would make me and Alexandria feel terrible if you did.”

“Know her that well already?” Ted teased.

“Actually, pretty well,” Jonathon informed his brother.

“Jonathon it’s your wedding night no woman wants…”

“Ted listen I…don’t let Alexandria know you know this but our marriage is one of convenience. I love her, make no mistake about that but she married me to keep from losing this place.”

“Are you crazy? Do you know how many girls at home have shed buckets of tears over you leaving?”

“I love her, Ted.”

“You’re crazy,” Ted was shaking his head as they started back into the house.

“Maybe,” Jonathon conceded with a wide smile. He’d always welcomed a challenge but this might well prove to be more of a challenge than he was up to. After placing his trunks in a corner, Jonathon helped Alexandria get Lilly to bed and saw his brother settled into his room.

***

Alexandria pulled the hair combs from her hair and with trembling hands began brushing her long locks. She had changed into her nightgown and dressing gown while Jonathon was seeing his brother settled and now anxiously awaited his return. This would have been a lot easier if she’d had more time to prepare herself, she mused. No, on second thought less time to ruminate the matter was better, she decided. A light knock sounded on the door and Alexandria stood to open it.

“You don’t have to knock,” she chastised.

“In the future I probably won’t,” he told her.

Alexandria returned to her dressing table and picked up her brush, though her attention remained on Jonathon’s reflection in the mirror rather than her own. He had removed his shirt and she found herself admiring his broad shoulders and well-muscled back and chest. He was an attractive man, she admitted to herself and he was
her
husband. Jonathon sat on the edge of the bed to remove his boots and Alexandria watched the muscles work in his shoulders. Jonathon stood and turned and Alexandria quickly shifted her attention to brushing her hair. Jonathon came to stand behind her and took the brush from her to complete the task.

“You have your mom’s curls but your dad’s hair color,” he commented. “It makes a nice combination.”

“I always wanted Mom’s hair color,” she admitted.

“I think we always want whatever we don’t have; it’s the human condition.”

“Maybe you’re right,” she mused.

“Alexandria, you were put on the spot earlier, if you want me to sleep somewhere else I will,” he offered.

Alexandria froze; did he want to sleep elsewhere? Her heart hammered in her chest and her stomach churned; she felt dizzy. Had he decided he wasn’t attracted to her after all?

“Did you hear me, Alexandria?”

She opened her mouth to respond but couldn’t.

“I understand,” he said and turned to leave.

Alexandria jumped to her feet.               “Wait!” she called.

Jonathon turned to her.

“Don’t go, please, I don’t want to spend another wedding night alone,” she managed despite the fear of rejection her that churned through her veins.

Jonathon came to stand in front of her and gazed into her upturned face. Her comment told him a lot about her marriage to Elijah and the vulnerability that cloaked her made his heart melt. How was it possible for such a remarkable woman to be unaware of her beauty? He frowned when the full impact of her words hit.

“You spent your wedding night alone?” he asked her and watched misery fill her eyes as she nodded. “Did you ever…your relationship with Elijah…”

“He never touched me until the night before he died and by then I was so confused….” Alexandria let her sentence trail and wondered what Jonathon was thinking.

Jonathon recalled her reaction to several of the men’s bawdy jokes, her reaction to his kiss, and other small things that now made more sense. He also realized that her already low opinion of herself had only been confirmed by Eli’s lack of interest in her and felt his heart break a little.

“You’re shaking,” he commented as he rubbed his hands up and down her arms.

“I’m nervous, not scared but nervous,” she admitted. “I want you to stay,” she felt heat climb into her cheeks, “and you don’t have to…that is I want…”

“What, Alexandria? You don’t have to do anything you aren’t ready for,” he reassured her.

Alexandria frowned in frustration; she wished that it wasn’t so hard for her to express herself on this subject. “I am ready, I’m just…nervous.” She forced herself to meet his gaze; she knew that her face had to be as red as the roses in the wall paper.

Jonathon smiled at her. “Can I admit something to you?” he asked and watched dread fill her eyes. She was afraid he was about to reject her, he realized; little did she know. “I’m nervous too.” At his words Alexandria frowned and confusion filled her wide green eyes.

“But…I mean…”

“What? You think just because I’ve been married and this isn’t my first experience that I’m not almost as nervous as you are?” he teased. Alexandria nodded and Jonathon laughed.

“I’m not built like Emily was,” she informed him.

“I haven’t found anything wrong with your build yet,” he told her and watched her blush deepen if that was possible.

“I don’t have any idea what I’m doing,” she admitted.

Jonathon chuckled. “Do you have to have everything figured out and planned out in advance, Alexandria?” he asked; his tone both teasing and affectionate. He watched her smile, the transformation breath taking.

“I prefer to,” she admitted.

“Life will never be boring with you will it, Alexandria?” he asked before kissing her.

***

Alexandria lay in the circle of her husband’s arms aware that things had definitely just changed between them. She would no longer be able to pick and choose what to share and what not to share, not that she had ever been too good at it to begin with. Jonathon dropped a kiss on her neck and pulled her closer. Alexandria had never felt closer to a person than she did at that moment. It was both exhilarating and frightening. She also felt more vulnerable than she ever had in her life. She had believed herself in love with Elijah and may have been, she still debated that, but already in the short few hours since her marriage to Jonathon she felt more married than she ever had in the several months of her marriage to Elijah. It wasn’t just the intimate aspect to marriage, though that certainly played a role, it was Jonathon’s thoughtfulness and consideration of her feelings; the way he treated her in general.

“You’re awfully quiet,” Jonathon remarked. Alexandria shifted until she had her elbow on the bed and her head lay against her hand.

“Why were you so insistent on marrying me?” she asked him. Jonathon considered her a moment and pushed a lock of hair off her face.

“Besides the fact that I find you beautiful?” he asked her. Alexandria frowned but nodded. “And besides the fact that we get along well and are great friends who are both benefiting from this marriage?”

“Are those your only reasons?” she asked him.

Jonathon smiled lightly and shook his head.  “What kind of man attracts you, Alexandria?” It was an odd question to ask your spouse, but the circumstances of their marriage left room for doubt.

Alexandria frowned at him.

“I mean, in the past,” he added.

“I never really suffered from a lot of crushes. There was Robert; he was a flirt kind of like your brother; only he wasn’t genuinely nice under all the flattery. He got a little too friendly; I think his treatment of me kept me from being more interested in boys than I was. Then with Elijah I wasn’t really attracted to him as much as he made me feel needed and useful. The only other guy I ever had a crush on, and no one knows this by the way, was the last teacher I had in school. He was straight from university and I was more drawn to his intellect.”

“So you’ve never been attracted to the whole package? What about physically? Has there ever been someone you were drawn to, you know, that there was just chemistry between you and that person?”

“You,” she answered honestly. Jonathon looked surprised. “I don’t know, it’s more than just a physical attraction though, because…” she paused as she searched for the right words, “I feel very comfortable and safe with you and like you understand me better than most people,” she told him.               Jonathon’s heart swelled at her words.

Alexandria laid her head against his shoulder before continuing. “The first time you kissed me I wanted to pretend it didn’t matter but it did something to me. I didn’t know that I could feel like that, I didn’t
want
to know I could feel like that. I hate feeling vulnerable,” she confided.

“I feel a connection to you too, Alexandria. That’s why I couldn’t let you marry a stranger. I think that connection means something I want to find out what. Besides, believe me when I say that I am very attracted to you and more than a little jealous.”

“Jealous?” she tilted her head back to peer up at him.

“Of other guys who notice you. That kiss did something to me too, Alexandria,” he admitted to her before kissing her forehead.

Alexandria felt warmth flood her. She felt loved and protected, but it scared her because he couldn’t love her. He might be attracted to her but he hadn’t said he loved her. Alexandria, her eyes stinging, rolled over. She hated herself for her weakness. They were fond of each other, shared a bond, but there’s was an agreement, not a love match.

“Hey what’s wrong?” Jonathon pulled her back close when she started to scoot away from him.

Alexandria debated her answer before answering honestly.

“I feel exposed,” she referred to her raw emotions.

“Me too,” he agreed.

Alexandria closed her eyes and forced her mind to still.

***

Alexandria woke to her husband dressing for the day and watched him without his knowledge. He glanced up and noted her a moment later; a smile spread across his face.

“Good morning,” he greeted her. “I was just debating whether to leave you a note or wake you.”

Alexandria sat up and stretched as Jonathon sat on the edge of her side of the bed. He kissed her; then leaned back and studied her. She turned a shade of pink under his scrutiny but to his relief didn’t seem uncomfortable in his presence.