A Hoboken Hipster In Sherwood Forest (27 page)

"Outside? Are you mad?" asks Elaine as she squints at me with worried eyes. "The sun has already set. Surely you do not want to leave the safety of our castle walls."

"Who knows the barbarian filth you may encounter outside of Prince John's protection," adds
Avelyn solemnly. "Scoundrels who would rejoice in the opportunity to soil a lady's honor."

"Ooh, yes—like Robin of the Hood," Elaine suggests with a wicked gleam in her eye.

"Aye!" Avelyn's face lights up. "Though for him, I would gladly sacrifice my honor."

"You would sacrifice it for far less,
Avey," Elaine counters.

The two ladies giggle hysterically, and I resist the urge to roll my eyes.
So silly. Still, I'm secretly pleased. My boyfriend is a total rock star, and now I know he only has eyes for me. How lucky am I?

Robin. My heart flutters as I imagine him sitting in the forest, waiting, hoping for me to return. Is he worried? Does he think I've been captured? Killed? Has he been searching for me?

I have to get back ASAP.

I force myself to laugh carelessly. "Nah, I'm not going outside for long," I inform them. "Just wanted to get a little fresh air."

"But we have walled gardens within where you can do that in complete safety," protests Elaine, who thinks she's being helpful. "D'you want me to show them to you?"

"Been there, done that. I think I was interrupting a romantic moment, though."

"A romantic moment?" Now I've got both girls' attention. The fashions may be different, but I can tell women haven't changed much in eight hundred years. "Between who?"

"Yes, Princess Christine!"
Avelyn says, eyes shining. "You simply must tell us."

I grin. "Tell me the way out of the castle and I will tell you all I know."

The girls look at each other, then nod and turn back to me. "Very well. But we still do not advise you to leave the castle gates 'til sunup. ‘Tis dangerous for a princess."

"Sure. No prob. I'll wait 'til morning. I promise." I cross two fingers behind my back as I say this, hoping that this gesture still counts, even though it's likely not yet been invented. "Now where?"

Elaine points her small, white hand down the hall. "Go down yonder, then take a left and then your next right. You'll see a wooden door adorned by a dragon crest. It leads outside."

"Thanks," I say, relieved.

"Now, do tell us! Do not hold anything back!" The two girls crowd me, faces alight with their eagerness for the big scoop.

I laugh, holding up my hands to playfully ward them off. "Okay, okay!" I cry. "Lady Marion and the Sheriff of Nottingham!"

Their squeals are so loud I'm afraid they'll alert the entire kingdom.

"That naughty girl," Elaine says. "She kept it from us this entire time."

"How dare she not share her secret romance with her sisters?" Avelyn says, looking both pleased at learning the secret and offended that Marion had kept it from her.

I shrug. "Well, she's in the garden still, if you want to go ask her,"

"Ooh, shall we?" asks Elaine.

Avelyn
nods in delighted agreement "Thank you, Princess Christine," she gushes. "For such a delicious tale."

"Yeah, sure. No prob. Anytime." I wave them off. They scamper down the hallway to go catch their friend. If Marion wasn't a traitorous bitch, I'd almost feel bad for her. She's about to get
outed.

They turn the corner and I pick up my pace, heading in the direction they told me, praying for no more interruptions. If the sheriff’s truly attacking soon, I don't have much time to waste.

###

I arrive near the hideaway about an hour later. I've worked my stolen horse too hard, and he's foaming at the mouth and soaked with sweat. I slide off of him and give him a thankful pat.

"Sorry about that," I whisper. "We'll make sure you get some yummy carrots or something when this is all said and done "

“Who goes there?" A man's voice cuts through the night

"It’s me…” I cry, ready to say Christian. Then I remember I’m still dressed as a medieval lady. Maybe I should have changed back into my tunic and tights before coming here. No one's going to recognize .me in my current ensemble. Except Robin, of course.

Little John and Much the Miller jump from the bushes, bows drawn and aimed straight at my heart. They circle around, suspicious.

"Another one! It's like bleeding ladies' night around here these days," Much exclaims.

"Who are you, and what pray is your business here, milady?" Little John demands.

I look from one outlaw to the other, wondering how I'm going to get out of this. I guess I've got no choice but to tell the truth. Hopefully they'll be understanding. Who knows, maybe they'll find it all a big laugh. Maybe.

"It's me!" I cry. "Christian! Don't you guys recognize me?"

They give me the once-over. "Christian?" Little John cocks his head. "But you're a... He's a..." Recognition dawns on his face. "Why are you dressed as a girl, Christian?"

"Well, I've got a confession to make, actually." Might as well throw all my cards out on the table at this point. "I'm not actually a eunuch at all. In fact, I'm one hundred percent woman. I just pretended to be a eunuch because you have that sacred code thing and I was afraid of getting kicked out of camp if people learned the truth." I laugh nervously. "Isn't that just so silly?"

Unfortunately for me, neither of the men looks very amused. In fact, they look downright pissed off.

"You have tricked us this entire time?" Much the Miller asks in an outraged voice, his fingers gripping his bow tightly. Uh-oh. This is not going as well as I'd hoped. Why can't they be happy about this, like they were when
Much's wife got to stay the night? When Maid Marion showed up? Sure, Much's wife didn't get to stay longer, but—

"Robin will be sure to hear of your treachery, woman," Little John adds in a menacing voice I didn't know the jolly green giant could muster.

"Uh..." Ugh. What am I supposed to say? Should I admit that Robin was in on the secret most of the time? Or would that threaten his leadership at a time when he needs it the most?

I shake my head. This isn't about me. Not now. They can do with me what they like. My warning is much more important.

"Listen guys, I can tell you everything later. Right now, we've got more important fish to fry. You're in great danger! Where's Robin? I have to warn him."

Little John shakes his burly head. "Nay. You will not see Robin until you explain—"

"What goes on here?"

I breathe a sigh of relief at the sound of Robin's voice through the trees. A moment later he appears out of the brush, his eyes widening as he sees me.

"This lady claims she's our Christian,” Little John says, keeping the arrow in his drawn bow aimed at my heart. "That she's been tricking us all along."

I hold my breath, waiting for Robin's reaction. Everything about us, our relationship, maybe even our very lives hinges on his next move.

He stares at me for a minute, and I'm not sure if he wants to kiss me or kill me. He opens his mouth to speak, then closes it again, then opens it. I watch him struggle to decide how to handle this volatile situation. He knows the stakes are high; his future—and mine—hang in the balance.

"I have known for some time that Christian— Christine, actually—is a woman,'' he says at last. "
‘Twas I who demanded she keep it secret from you all."

Little John's
face hardens. "You lied to us, Robin?" he asks, his angry voice tinged with hurt. "This whole time, you lied to us to protect a woman? You went against the sacred code we all signed when we banded together in the forest?"

Oh no, this was not good.

John throws down his bow in disgust. "You ask us to fight for you. To obey your rules and live under your command. To give up our lives if necessary to do what's right. And all along, you're flaunting your own indiscretion?"

Robin hangs his head. "I cannot make any excuses for my behavior," he says. "I only did what I thought needed to be done."

"Needed to be done? Why?" Much the Miller demands. "So you can sneak off and rut her senseless while the rest of us go without? I've sat alone in me tent each night, dreaming of me wife and child left behind in the village, all because of your insistence on us following the rule. And now I find out you've been breaking it all along?"

"
‘Twas not like—"

"Are you denying that you lay with her while she was a guest in our camp?"

Robin lets out a frustrated breath. "No."

This is not good. This is so not good. Sure, I didn't want to be Robin's dirty secret anymore, but I also didn't want him to completely lose everything he worked for just because of me.
Especially not now. When everything is at stake.

"Look, it's not Robin's fault!" I try to protest. Much raises his bow, and points it at me, a furious look on his usually friendly face.

"Quiet, woman," he demands. "You have done enough."

Little John sighs, his eyes sad, and turns to Robin. "I am sorry, old friend," he mutters, his voice laden with remorse. "But you know what I must do."

Robin nods solemnly. " ‘Tis only right. I would not expect any less, and would do the same 'twere I in your position."

John nods and clears his throat. "Robin of Locksley," he proclaims, "You have been found guilty of violating the sacred code of The Men of Sherwood Forest. Now, in compliance with the laws you created and agreed to follow, you must be arrested and held prisoner until a council is held to decide your punishment."

"Aye, and you are relieved of your command as well," Much adds, more venomously than John. "Liars and traitors will never lead us. Who knows how else we may have been deceived? Perhaps you are in league with the sheriff himself!''

"I would never!" Robin cries, shocked.

"You swore also that you would never let a woman into our home, but we see your treachery now," Much interrupts. He pulls a knife from his belt and points it at Robin. "As John said, you are under arrest until we decide what to do with you." He turns to me. "You and your little whore."

He shoves Robin forward, and John reluctantly gestures for me to follow. They lead us into the camp. Several men jump up and surround us, asking what's wrong.

"Robin Hood is a traitor," Much informs them. "He and this woman!"

"Look, you're making a big mistake!" I cry, realizing this may be my one and only chance to warn everyone at once. "And we've got bigger problems to deal with! The sheriff is launching an attack against you guys very soon. We've got to stop him!''

"The sheriff does not know where we reside, lady," Much reminds me. "Unless 'twas you who told him."

“It wasn't me, you idiot!" I snap, narrowing my eyes at him. "It was Maid Marion. You know, the woman you all let in to your camp no questions asked? I'm not the enemy here. She is!"

“Quiet, or we shall gag you!"

"I will not be quiet! You guys have to be ready for the attack! They'll massacre you if you don't!"

But no one pays any attention to my warnings. Instead, they find lengths of rope and tie Robin's and my hands behind our backs. The cord cuts into my wrists. I bite down on my lower lip, trying to keep a poker face, refusing to give them the satisfaction of seeing me cry. After binding us, they push us into a small, musty-smelling tent and I hear them instruct someone to guard the door. The tent flap closes and we’re alone in the blackness.

“Oh my god, I'm so sorry," I cry, tears finally springing to my eyes. "I've ruined everything!" I sink to my knees and try to get comfortable.

"Don't be daft. This is my fault for lying in the first place," Robin answers. He lowers himself to the ground. "I am just glad you are all right. When you disappeared, I feared the worst. I have been scouring the forest for days searching for you. I thought mayhap you'd been eaten by a wild creature."

Even under these dire circumstances my heart warms at the idea of him looking for me, wondering if I was dead. He cares about me. He really cares.

But, I realize, now is not the time to kiss and make up. We've got to get the men to believe that this attack I've been babbling about is very real, and that they've got to start preparing to fight. All of our lives depend on it.

"Robin, what I was saying before—about the sheriff’s raid—I wasn't just bluffing to get them to stop tying us up."

"How did you learn of it?"

"It's a long story, but basically when I left here, I went to Prince John's castle and applied to be a lady-in-waiting and they gave me the gig. Anyway, while I was there, Marion showed up during a banquet. I followed her out into the courtyard garden where she met up with the Sheriff of Nottingham." I swallow hard, not wanting to be the one to break the news. "They're evidently lovers."

My eyes, now adjusted to the darkness, search Robin's face for a hint of jealousy, but I see none. There's a little disappointment, maybe, but I guess that's to be expected.

Relieved, I continue. "The reason she came out here was to find out the location of your camp and to spy on the number of men and resources you've amassed. The sheriff figured a beautiful woman like her could convince the men to lead her to your camp without the obligatory blindfold and stuff. And, of course, he was right. So after she chatted you up, she headed back and reported her findings to the sheriff. Very soon they're going to launch an all-out attack—first on the villages and then they're coming here to destroy us all."

"That harlot!" Robin scowls, his eyes flashing. "This is grave news indeed. Our small army is no match for the sheriffs forces."

"Yeah, I was kind of thinking that. Though at least now they've lost the element of surprise."

"True. Yet we are not much good stuck here in this tent, charged as traitors."

"Yeah, sorry about that," I say. "I should have changed back into my boy outfit before showing up. I totally forgot."

"Do not blame yourself. The truth had to come out eventually."

"Yeah, right. Eventually." I attempt a shrug. It's difficult with my hands tied. "But not right before our impending demise, rendering us completely helpless in the face of death."

"You are not making this any easier."

I sigh. "You're right. So what's the plan?"

Robin shakes his head. "Forsooth, I am at a loss. If they will not accept me as their leader then I cannot—"

The light bulb thing goes off over my head. "That's it!" I cry.

"Milady?" Robin cocks his head in question.

"You need to give up your leadership. Tell them you're resigning and give Little John command or something. Let him lead the battle."

The outlaw frowns. "But this is my band of men. I found them and trained them.”

"Argh!" I cry. "Don't you understand the art of war? Your men are angry
at you right now. They feel you have no right to lead. But at the same time, if you don't appoint someone else to take over while you're out of the picture, it's going to be chaos if an attack comes."