A Lesson in Forgiveness (24 page)

“One thing at a time, Bethany.”

Pearce entered and announced dinner. Dr. Cummings took his wife's arm and escorted her out of the room. Colin stood and held out his arm to his wife. Ginny took it begrudgingly, not wanting to make a scene. Walking slightly behind the other couple, he said in a hushed tone, “That was very kind of you to bring them together.”

“I needed someone to be happy.” As the words left her lips, Ginny realized how catty they were. She spent the better part of the afternoon trying to figure out how she was going to get past this. Was she going to spend the rest of her life throwing his behavior back into his face?

Colin could not respond. He was fairly certain that making up to his wife was going to be infinitely harder than he first imagined. Not that he ever expected her to just forgive him. He just hadn't realized that his honest wife would be so passive-aggressive. He had expected, and was willing to bear, the screaming and yelling. This side of her was new to him. A lot had happened in one year to change his wife, and not for the better.

Dinner was subdued, although Ginny did try to appear cheerful. She was happy for Charles and Sarah. They had been trying to conceive since their wedding night. Fortunately, Dr. Cummings took it as a sign that the recently reunited couple wanted to be alone. So as soon as could be done politely, he and his wife took their leave.

Ginny walked them to the door, with Colin close behind. “Good night, Charles, Sarah. Congratulations again. Please let me know if I can help.”

After the door closed, Ginny turned and began to walk up the stairs. She didn't acknowledge her husband, couldn't acknowledge him. Every fiber of her being screamed for her to get away from him. She wanted to yell and scream, but wouldn't do it in front of the staff. Despite the past year, despite her own behavior, she had too much pride for that.

“Will you not join me for a drink, Bethany?”

Without looking over her shoulder, she replied, “No.” Ginny kept walking up the steps until she was safely in her bedroom. After ringing for Tabby, she began to take off her jewelry. There was an empty feeling in her stomach. As much as she wanted to move on, she couldn't fake her feelings after what had happened. After not speaking up to his treatment on their wedding night, she could hardly just let it go now.

Tabby entered the room and went about preparing Ginny for bed. Hot water was left in her pitcher and Ginny went about her nightly routine on automatic pilot. Undress, wash up, hair brushed, get dressed in her nightgown. Nothing was registering, like getting lost in your thoughts while driving and finding yourself at your destination with no conscious memory of it.

Tabby remained quiet as well. Over the past year, she had come to recognize Ginny's moods. Depending on the mood, Tabby knew how to react. Some, like this one, told her to keep quiet and leave Ginny be. So, when the routine was complete, she said goodnight, picked up Ginny's dirty clothing and left through her dressing room.

Ginny was grateful. There was nothing to talk about, nothing to work out. She just needed some time to get used to the fact that Colin was home. The least he could have done was send a letter, let her prepare. But no, he decided that surprise was his best option.

In a fog, Ginny stared out her bedroom window at the gardens. When she'd had to let half the staff go, including many of the gardeners, Ginny had taken up horticulture. In her own time, she possessed two black thumbs, opting to not even keep houseplants over the cruel treatment she inflicted on them. She wouldn't have a pet, afraid of coming home one day and finding it dead from neglect. But now, she knew most of what was needed to care for a large garden. She weeded and raked, planted and watered. When they had money to spend again, she took over a small plot and made it her own, planting colorful flowers.

It was just one source of pride for her during the past year. Crossing her arms on her belly and hugging tightly, she thought of the one thing in which she took no pride. At no other time did she feel the acute effects of having broken her wedding vows, however, with her husband's unexpected return, she felt it keenly. Ginny spent the better part of the past year justifying it. Seeing her husband again showed her that no amount of justification could relieve her guilt. What she did was wrong and so out of character for her, it was like a physical pain throughout her body.

Miles was a great friend, but she hated how the relationship had evolved. What could she have been thinking, other than wanting to do something to hurt Colin. Ginny was not such a prude that the sex was an issue. What pained her most was the emotional connection she'd forged with Miles. How she had sensed that Miles may have been falling in love with her, but couldn't let him go. Miles had become like a drug for her, a testament that she was worthy of male attention, even if her husband wouldn't acknowledge it.

Her only consolation was that it never came to fruition. That their one night together ended before she could follow through with an action that couldn't be taken back. Not that she hadn't already been unfaithful before that point. At least she could say she'd never slept with him. For whatever that was worth, she would take it and covet it.

A small knock at her dressing room door brought her out of her reverie. Without turning around, she called, “Come in, Tabby.”

“It is not Tabby.”

Closing her eyes, hoping to make the voice go away, Ginny knew that the confrontation could not be put off forever, but was in no mood for it now. So, she steeled herself up and turned around to face her husband, if one could call him that.

“What do you want, Colin?” Ginny hoped by having her arms still crossed, he might take it as her unwillingness to open up to him. She didn't think the study of body language was all too popular in this time period.

“We have yet to talk to each other.” Colin stood just inside doorway, too intimidated to venture further.

“Can't it wait until tomorrow? It has been a long day, with many surprises. I don't have the energy for this right now.”

“I need to know about you and Clarendon.”

Before he could elaborate, Ginny cut him off. “You need to know? Did I get that right? You... need... to know? Well, maybe we can have a chat about your extra-marital activities across the bloody Continent.”

“There is no reason to speak to me in that tone, Bethany.”

“Don't you dare speak to me as if I was your child. You have no power over me, Colin. If it weren't for me, you'd have nothing. Maybe you should remember that.” Ginny's voice was menacing. It occurred to her that this was exactly what she wanted to avoid, a screaming match with her husband.

“I do not wish to discuss your responsibilities as my wife. I wish to know if you are in love with Clarendon. Can you at least answer me that?” Colin knew he didn't deserve any information, but since finding out about their affair, he felt a desperate need to know. He needed to know if he had lost his wife's heart to his friend, with no chance for reconciliation between them.

Staring at her husband, breathing rapidly, Ginny didn't know how to answer his question. No, she wasn't in love with Miles, but she wasn't sure she wanted her husband to know that. The idea of having him squirm was enticing. On the other hand, Ginny was not skilled in playing games. After the guilt she felt over the affair in the first place, lying seemed beneath her.

“No, I am not in love with Miles. He is a good friend, who was there for me when
others
weren't.”

Colin kept his anger in check. He was getting used to Bethany's ability to turn any answer into an accusation against him. God knew he deserved most of it, but how could they ever get beyond the past if she wouldn't just get it out. How much anger was his wife holding onto?

Turning his eyes to the floor, he responded, “That is good.”

“Good for what, Colin? It is hardly our biggest hurdle.”

“I just thought that it would be easier to live together and...”

Colin didn't finish his sentence, but Ginny had a pretty good idea of where the “and” was going.

“And what? Produce an heir? Is that what you were going to say?” Ginny did not relish the idea of sleeping with Colin. Not with the pain and guilt that hung between them. Although she knew that she couldn't continue in limbo either.

Raising his eyes back to hers, his face the picture of stone, he replied, “It is our duty, Bethany.”

“Perhaps, but I don't think now is the time, do you?”

“Perhaps not. May we speak in the morning?” Although his expression had not changed, Colin's eyes took on an almost desperate quality. The pain he'd been feeling since discovering his wife's infidelity with his good friend had been excruciating. The little reassurance Bethany gave him may allow him to get at least some sleep that night.

Having never once taken her eyes off his, Ginny suddenly looked away. The confrontation was inevitable, but she would put it off as long as she could. “Of course.”

“Until breakfast, then.” Colin left the room through the same door he had entered, leaving Ginny glued to her spot.

Ginny continued to hug herself, trying to hold back the pain. What should have been fun and consequence free was really a burden, much like real life. She had liked Colin once, enjoyed his companionship. Was it possible to get that back? Before, Ginny had always thought women who took back their cheating men were stupid. And maybe in some ways they were, but with few choices, Ginny would have to find some ground where she could live with her husband, fulfill her duties and hopefully get home. The hopelessness was weighing her down, like a stone around her neck. Ginny did the only thing she could to escape. She climbed into bed and went to sleep. Everything could wait until the morning.

Chapter 20

The next morning, Colin entered the breakfast room in anticipation of seeing his wife. He realized that if they were to move on, he needed to get Bethany to lash out. She may never fully forgive him, but she needed to come to terms with their situation. The sooner, the better he hoped.

After another sleepless night, Colin had arrived later to breakfast than usual. There, on the table, were his wife's dishes, not yet cleared. He wondered if she had gotten up even earlier to avoid him. Just as he took his usual spot at the head of the table, Pearce appeared from the corner door.

“My lord. Would you like your usual breakfast?” Pearce was very good at giving nothing away.

“Yes, please... No, wait, Pearce.” Colin loathed the idea of letting his wife get away. “Where is Lady Whitmore?”

“She mentioned attending her garden this morning, my lord.”

“
Her
garden?” Colin was willing to share, but that was a bit ridiculous.

Without a hint that he understood Colin's inflection of the word “her,” Pearce continued, “Yes, my lord. Lady Whitmore has taken a small plot of land in the back of the garden and planted her own flowers.”

“Oh, I see.” Every minute, it seemed, Colin faced another fact about his wife that he didn't know before. “Where exactly is Lady Whitmore's garden?”

“Behind the maze, to the east, my lord. Now, shall I get your breakfast?”

“No, it can wait. Thank you, Pearce. Please have my horse prepared. I am meeting Mr. McCarthy this morning.”

Pearce bowed and left to due his master's bidding. Colin rose from the table and walked outside. Making his way through the garden, he saw how well it had been maintained. After finding out about the financial difficulties, he went through many of the household ledgers himself, discovering what he needed to know without having to ask his wife. He found out that she let go half the staff, closed down half the house. Bethany was never able to entertain large numbers of guests, only her parents and his mother and sister. He found out that she had made shrewd investments, nearly tripling his money in less than a year.

He wondered if he would have handled things as efficiently as his wife. Not that it mattered. The past could not be undone and he was on his way to duke it out with his wife.

Colin came around the maze and saw the small, fenced in garden that Pearce spoke about. The flowers were every color in the rainbow, growing in seemingly wild abandon. But once he really looked at the design, he could see the logic behind the placement. Again, his wife surprised him.

Looking around, Colin saw only a small gardener working in one of the beds. Judging by his size, Colin surmised the gardener was only a boy. His large hat obscured his face, but the lack of muscles and the skinny arms were dead giveaways.

“You there, boy. Can you please tell me where Lady Whitmore is?”

The boy turned slowly and sat back on his haunches. Looking up, under the brim of a wide hat, Colin was startled at the sight of his wife. She wore breeches and a loose white shirt, with the sleeves rolled up. Bethany had on old gardening gloves and small, brown boots. Despite her appearance, or maybe because of it, Colin felt the same powerful urges he had before their ill-fated kiss.

Bethany stood up, took off her gloves and let them fall to the ground. She then brushed her hands against the brown breeches and walked over to him. “Shut your mouth, Colin. You'll collect flies.”

Struck temporarily speechless, Colin finally found his voice. “Why are you dressed like a man?” His tone was of awe, not at all accusatory. It was because of that, that Ginny didn't take offense.

“I couldn't very well tend a garden in a muslin dress. This is more practical. And, to be honest, very liberating.”

“Indeed. You allow the staff to see you like this?” His tone was still not accusatory.

“Yes. Why would they care how I dress, as long as I am clothed?” Ginny felt herself loosening up slightly, enjoying her husband's discomfort.

“Yes, indeed. I do not believe I have ever seen a lady dressed in... in... breeches.”

At that, Ginny laughed. It had been a long time since Colin heard that magical sound. Unfortunately, it would not last. “Is there something you needed, Colin? Or do you plan to stare at my scandalous attire all day.”