A Love of My Own (19 page)

“If you change your mind, then there is plenty of anything in here. Thank God the kids know to leave me alone,” Hayden said.

“Do you know this guy Merv? The one who played Curtis?” I asked.

“Oh, so that's your style. I feel you. The boy is blessed in many ways, but I am sorry to tell you he's strictly for the dames. Believe me when I say almost every sissy in that chorus has tried to change his religion,” Hayden said, laughing.

“That's cool,” I said, trying to make sure I didn't sound disappointed.

“I'm going to the bar and get me a drink, say some hellos and good-byes and then hope something is waiting at home for me,” Hayden said as he got up from the booth.

“Nice meeting you,” I said.

“Great meeting you as well. Maybe we can get together soon. I can take you to some places where they will have plenty of your type.”

“Give me a call,” I said.

“Will do.”

I finished my drink and was going to look for Zola to tell her I was getting ready to leave, when the woman with no name suddenly reappeared.

“Do you have a card?” she asked.

“No, I don't,” I said. I wasn't about to give my information to someone so cagey.

“Then how am I going to invite you to my next big party?”

“Just call the offices of
Bling Bling.
So, is the party going to be in New York?”

“They're not parties. I produce events that would make this little party seem like a kiddie's birthday. As I look around here tonight, the only thing missing are the animals. Although there are plenty of heifers and cows in too-tight dresses and jackasses who don't know what black tie means,” she said as she looked over the crowd with a mock disgust.

“So, do you live in New York?”

“No, darling, I'm a resident of the world,” she said as she once again disappeared into the crowd.

9
__________________

Everything seemed to be slowly getting back to normal with my friends and me. It was a cool fall evening with a full moon floating brightly in the sky. I had invited Justine, Hayden and Kai for a potluck supper, cards and conversation. I had fried some chicken legs and thighs and made potato salad with hard-boiled eggs garnishing the top. Justine brought over some collard greens and rice pilaf, while Kai brought the wine. Hayden contributed a deep-dish apple pie from the Little Pie Company, a bakery in the theater district, and Ben and Jerry's ice cream. The scents of the food blended in well with the raspberry- and clove-scented candles I had placed on several of the tables on the main floor of my brownstone. A wooden box of colorful roses sat on the center of the table. I had even pulled out the wedding-white linen tablecloth my mother had given me one Christmas. Everything felt and looked like an evening in celebration of life and friendship.

We all exchanged hugs and kisses, and everybody seemed to be having a good time, especially Kai, who had gulped down two glasses of wine before anyone else had a chance to finish one. Justine wasn't drinking and had brought her own concoction of cranberry and lemon juice. After I placed the food out on my dining room table, I clapped my hands and asked everyone to gather around the table, and I began to pass out the plates. I noticed that Kai was wearing her hair differently, letting it flow down her back in waves of curls. I couldn't help but stare at the low-cut sheer blouse she was wearing and realized she had honey-brown freckles on her cleavage.

“Everything looks great,” Hayden said.

“It sure does. That chicken looks golden brown, like this man I fucked the other night,” Kai said. Justine clutched her chest in horror. We had seen her do this before in a playful manner, but tonight she looked dead serious.

“Who was he, honey, and does he have a brother?” Hayden asked.

“I don't know, but you can have him, darling. There are many men out there, and I intend to get to as many of them as possible,” Kai said, laughing.

“You guys need to chill,” I said as I pulled some wine goblets from the cabinet.

“We need some music up in here,” Hayden said as he went to look through my CD collection.

“Put on India Arie,” Kai suggested.

“Oh, I do love her. What's that song, ‘Brown Skin'? That's the truth,” Hayden said.

“Justine, is there anything you want to hear?” I asked when I noticed her rolling her eyes at both Hayden and Kai.

“You probably don't have what I want to hear,” she said softly. Justine suddenly looked sad.

“Whatever,” I said. “Come on, let's eat before the food gets cold.”

Hayden quickly put in the India Arie CD, and when he returned to the table, he and Kai started piling food on their plates. When Hayden took a bite of chicken, Justine suddenly screamed, “We need to say grace, Hayden, before we start eating.”

“Well, excuse me. I forgot my home training,” he said as he placed the chicken back on his plate. Suddenly the temperature in the room was dropping.

“Justine, would you like to say grace?” I asked.

“Yes I would,” Justine said.

“Okay, let's all hold hands,” I suggested.

The four of us closed our eyes and Justine started her prayer.

“Lord, we thank You in the name of Your son, Jesus, for bringing us here tonight. We thank You for the food our bodies are about to receive and for the hands that prepared it. Lord, we thank You for the families that are represented here tonight and we thank You for waking us this morning. Lord, we ask You to forgive us for our sins and thank You for dying on the cross so that we might be forgiven. I ask You to forgive me for my many evil ways I had before I met You. Lord, I ask that You take the demons that hover in this place and these people,” Justine said, and paused. Her voice had the righteous sound of a Southern minister, and I was thinking she was getting to the end of her prayer, but instead she continued and the volume of her voice seemed loud and self-assured.

“Lord, I ask that You take the demons of homosexuality from Hayden. Make him new and whole. Save him, dear Lord, with the blood of Jesus.”

Hayden suddenly squeezed my hand harder, and I could hear Kai coughing. I opened one eye and noticed that Justine was the only one with a calm look on her face as she continued praying. “Lord, please take away the drunkenness and the loss of moral values that hang over this room. Teach us that in times like these we can't fall prey to the demons of sex, and remind us that You said in Your word that marriage between a man and woman is the only true love. Show us the way, dear Lord, and please teach my sister and good friend Zola that You love her and that she doesn't need the love and lust from men who can never be her own.”

Well, I had heard enough, so I said, “Amen,” and released Hayden's and Kai's hands.

“Bitch, what is wrong with you?” Hayden asked as we all glanced at Justine like she was smoking crack.

“Hayden, please, my brother, don't refer to me with that evil name,” Justine said.

“Justine, what's wrong with you?” I asked.

“Wrong with me? Nothing. Just because I prayed for God to save you doesn't mean there has to be something wrong with me,” Justine said.

“I tell you what, Sister Jesus. That was foul. I mean, calling us all out here like you got a direct line to Jesus. I don't appreciate that shit one bit,” Kai said.

“I was just praying for you,” Justine said defensively.

“Justine, we all appreciate what you're trying to do, but I don't think this was the place or the time. I wanted an evening for us to get together and have fun like old times. Now you've ruined the evening for everyone,” I said.

“And no need for you praying for the demon of homosexuality for me, sweetheart, because I ain't no homosexual, I just like sleeping with men,” Hayden said as he smirked at Justine.

“Hayden, I will continue to pray for you. You can be released from that demon,” Justine said.

“What part of I-don't-want-to-be-released-from-any-demons don't you understand?” Hayden asked.

“Where is my purse? I am going home and change clothes and go and see who's out looking for a little lust. This shit is making my brain scream,” Kai said as she looked around the room for her jacket and purse.

“Kai, don't leave. We need to talk about this. Justine, I think you owe us an apology,” I said.

“An apology? I am trying to help you, Zola. I love you, but you're living your life in sin, and if another attack comes upon this earth, then we might not be so lucky. I want you to come to heaven with me. I have been released from the demons of the world,” Justine said.

“How lucky God chose you to save all us sinners,” Hayden said sarcastically.

“This child is crazy, and, Zola, if you want to do your friend and the city a public service, then you need to investigate this church sistah girl is going to, and I would most definitely check what kinda wine and crackers they're serving at communion. I am willing to bet it includes a little crack,” Kai said as she put on her coat.

“Justine, are you going to apologize to Kai before she leaves?” I asked with my arms folded tightly across my chest.

“I am going to pray for her. I am going to pray for all of you,” Justine said calmly.

“That's it, I'm out. Y'all holla when sister Justine comes to her senses,” Hayden said as he grabbed his oxford-red leather bag. He came over and kissed me on the cheek and whispered, “Check your knives in the kitchen. I would suggest locking them up.”

I patted him on the back and whispered, “Everything will be just fine.”

After Kai and Hayden left, I walked over to the table, where Justine was finishing up a plate of food like nothing had happened.

“Will you please explain what that was about? I have never seen you act like this, even when you were drunk,” I said.

“Are you reminding me of my past so that you can feel better about the life you're leading?” Justine said. It was like her words were slicing through the room, cutting anybody who got in her way.

“I am just trying to understand what has happened to my friend,” I said as I grabbed her hand and looked directly into her eyes.

“You should be happy for me. I want you to find the peace and joy I've found, Zola, and you can't have that if you continue to sleep with a married man and someone you're not married to. If you turn your life over to Jesus, He will release you from the burden of lust,” Justine said, her voice rising again to a religious fervor.

Again I took Justine's hand in mine and said, “Please help me understand what's happening to you.”

“Zola, that's Satan using you against me and God,” Justine said firmly. I gazed into her eyes, expecting them to be blank, but they were filled with intensity.

“I think you should leave and we'll talk later,” I said. I could feel my eyes brimming with tears.

“Zola, I'm sorry you can't accept the wonderful change that has come over me. But I still love you, and I will continue to pray for you,” Justine said.

“You do that, and if you find my friend, please tell her I miss her dearly.”

10
__________________

It had been a long day at the office and I was running late for my appointment with Dr. Few, so I ran the last two blocks. I felt like I needed a shower when she opened the door.

“Sorry, Dr. Few, had a hard time catching a cab,” I said as I wiped a film of sweat from my forehead.

“No problem. I was a getting a little concerned,” Dr. Few said.

I followed her into her office, took my regular spot on the left end of the sofa and was ready to talk.

“I went out for a night on the town. To see what the dating scene was like. I don't think I want to do the on-line dating thing that gay men are into heavy these days,” I said.

“What made you do that?”

“I was bored, tired of taking things into my own hands, so to speak. Zola's friend Hayden called me and invited me to hang out with him. At first I said no, but doesn't shit come on television on Friday night, so I said sure.”

“Where did you go?”

“We caught the subway down to the Village and went to several bars. Hayden kept telling me how he visits the Village only a couple of times during the year and last weekend was one of those times,” I said.

“Did he say why?”

“Something about if the moon and wind were right he would usually meet some married or stray guy who had wandered into the bars with curious wonderment,” I said.

“I'm not quite sure I understand, but did you have a good time?”

“It was cool. I got a lot of attention, but just when I was getting ready to make some progress, Hayden would be ready to leave. After bar three I got tired of that and so I decided to settle in. I told Hayden I would talk to him later,” I said.

“Go on.”

“I was standing at the bar, having my third glass of wine, starting to feel a little numb and adventurous, when this really good-looking guy came over and stood next to me, smiling. He didn't have a drink in his hand, so I had the bartender ask him what he was drinking. I felt stupid there for a minute because I didn't know if people still did that,” I said.

“Did what?”

“You know, seeing someone you're interested in talking to and instead of facing rejection have the bartender ask what they're drinking and then telling them that someone wants to buy them a drink. If they accept the drink, then you move to the next step. If they say no, then you move to the other side of the bar or you leave,” I said.

Dr. Few nodded and I took a moment to pull a bottle of water from my gym bag. The water was warm, but my mouth felt dry. I took a couple of swigs and then continued.

“So I go over and introduce myself to the guy, whose name is Damon. He was really friendly. We talked about sports. I am always surprised to find gay men who enjoy sports as much as I do. Damon was from the South, New Orleans, and he had that Creole look, you know, curly hair and custard-colored skin. I mean, I could tell he was mixed when I saw him, but I thought he might be from the Caribbean. Anyway, we talked and were really enjoying each other's company, when all of a sudden he asked me if I wanted to go home with him.”

“What did you do?”

“I thought about it for a few minutes, looked at him and said let's go.”

“So you went home with him?”

“Yeah, he told me he didn't live that far. We were walking, and I was feeling like I was going to wake up the next morning feeling wonderful. Damon couldn't believe it when I told him I was forty, and I knew I was feelin' him when he said I looked like I was in my late twenties. I told him flattery would get him everywhere. That's when he—” I paused for a few seconds, recalling the moment.

“He what?” Dr. Few asked as though she couldn't wait to hear what had happened.

“He took my hand and gently kissed me on the lips. It felt nice, and I couldn't wipe the smile off my face,” I said.

“Are you going to see him again?”

“Oh, no!”

“Why not? Didn't you have a good time?”

“I didn't finish the story. We got to Damon's apartment and he turns on the music. Angie Stone. He gives me a glass of wine and then he excuses himself for a few minutes. I kick my shoes off and take off my sweater, making myself comfortable even though Damon hadn't really told me to. But I figure I was going to be spending some time there.”

“What happened?”

“I heard these voices coming from the bedroom. At first I thought it was a part of the CD, but I listen to Angie so much that I realized it wasn't coming from her. I was starting to slip my feet back into my shoes, when Damon walked out with this man. A great-looking dude. A little taller and thicker than Damon, and he had this beautiful skin and white teeth that reminded me of the contrast of piano keys. Damon introduced him as Jonathan, his life partner.”

I looked at Dr. Few to see if she seemed shocked or surprise. She didn't, just the same passive look, so I continued.

“When I asked Damon what was going on, he explained that they, he and Jonathan, were interested in a three-way with me. I became a little nervous, but I think I am a pretty good judge of character, most times, so I wasn't scared. Besides, I was close to the door and I had my shoes on.”

“What did you say?”

“I asked them what was involved and they said why don't we go to the bedroom and see what happens. I was actually thinking about doing it. I figured wasn't anybody going to know about it but Jonathan, Damon, God and you,” I said as I looked directly at Dr. Few.

“So you didn't join them?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Too many rules,” I said, laughing.

“Rules? I don't quite understand,” Dr. Few said.

“Before we were getting ready to retire to the bedroom, Jonathan told me he or maybe the both of them, I don't quite remember, had a few rules. When I asked him what he was talking about, he told me.”

“What rules did he have?”

“It was so crazy. It sounded like I was getting ready to join some secret club. The Three-Way Club. Anyway, Jonathan tells me: if I want to do this again, because they were both awesome in bed, it must always be together. That there would be no kissing on the lips. The sex would be safe. He also mentioned that one of them was HIV positive and the other negative. Jonathan also said there would be no exchanging of phone numbers but we could share e-mail addresses. He had some other rules, but by then I was in that I-don't-believe-this-is-happening zone and I didn't hear him,” I said, taking another swallow of my water.

“So you declined?”

“Politely,” I said. “I started to tell Jonathan that I couldn't join the club because I had already broken one of the rules by kissing Damon on the lips.”

“Were you disappointed?”

“Not really,” I said.

“Why not?”

“Maybe a tiny bit,” I said, using my fingers to show what my mother used to do when she was describing a pinch. “The time I spent with them, and it was short, I got the feeling they really cared about each other and wanted to ask them why they felt the need to include others in their relationship.”

“Why didn't you?”

“I felt the explanation would take too long.”

“Why did you even consider their arrangement?”

“Because I was horny, that's why. Look, I knew if I was going home with some guy and getting ready to kick it with him, that the best I could hope for was a fuck buddy. I know one-night stands never become a love connection. It was just the dumb rules. It really seemed like there was some type of secret society within the gay community. I was talking with Hayden when we went to the first bar, and he was telling me about these groups of guys who were having unprotected sex, group sex. He told me they met at HIV support group meetings, so you had to be HIV positive to get invited to the private parties they had. It's still a crazy world,” I said as I looked at my watch and realized that Dr. Few had allowed me to go over by five minutes. She must have enjoyed my story.