A Love Worth Living (10 page)

A choked sound from David made her turn, breaking contact with his hand in the process. “Yes?”

“You read romance novels?”

Hands on her hips, she glared at him. “There’s nothing wrong with wanting a happy ending every now and then.” She spun, brushed a frustrated hand through her hair and sought out her favorite author.

Paranormal romance was her literary drug of choice. It was so far removed from reality she could suspend her disbelief and live in an optimistic land of romance for a few hours. Scanning the back-cover blurbs until she found the next book in the series she needed to read, Carrie wished she were home in her deep bathtub, with candles and a glass of wine and her book.

In all reality, she’d have to buy the candles and matches and wine opener, then scrub her never-used tub before settling in for her evening, but she could dream.

Isn’t that what Gunnerson wanted her to do, see what she was missing by being bogged down with work?

Just because she didn’t agree with his conclusion didn’t mean she didn’t understand his motivation. As much as a relaxing bath-time scenario drew her, wasn’t that exactly the problem?

If she gave an inch, where would she stop? What would she give up in her career to find balance in her life—and if she did, what living victims would be left without closure? Falling for David or sinking into a more leisurely routine would be too easy. It might be satisfying, at least until reality slapped her in the face. She’d lose David, or lose respect for herself for passing the buck on to another anthropologist.

Her life would have taken a different path, a darker one, if she hadn’t been given some kind of resolution. Where would she be now if the detectives hadn’t caught the drunk driver who killed her father and daughter? No—she’d been lucky to have those answers, and she was compelled to provide the same closure for other victims.

The weary voice of her subconscious asked,
When will you have atoned enough? Twenty years? Forty? Never?

She shoved the book back onto the shelf. Until David entered the picture, self-doubt hadn’t reared its ugly head. Though it would be easy to blame him, she had to look at the situation rationally and evaluate the mounting evidence against her current
modus operandi
.

If only she could get a little perspective, but that wouldn’t happen when David was nearby. His scent wrapped around her a moment before his warm body edged up behind hers. “No books for you?”

She tucked a wayward strand of hair behind her ear and scanned the shelves, just to do something other than lean back into him. “I don’t have time to read.”

“What a shame.” His voice danced down her spine. “Have other plans for your time this week? That would certainly bode well for me.”

She spun to face him. “A little arrogant, aren’t we? One day was the deal.”

“Let’s see.” He caged her against the bookshelf. “Based on your wildly fluctuating emotions today, you’ve got some killer thoughts percolating in that big brain of yours. And given that the only new variable is me, I’d say I have you off-kilter.” His lips ended inches from hers. “And you like it. You won’t admit it yet, but this makes you feel alive.”

A puff of breath escaped her lungs, but she couldn’t say a word. Not when his kissable mouth was so close.

“Tell me I’m wrong.”

This near, his scent intoxicated her. Maybe getting drunk on him would make things clearer. Or at least take the edge off.

Her thoughts sputtered to a stop when he leaned in for a kiss, laying a too-quick peck on her lips before stepping back and crossing his lean arms across his chest. “If you’re not going to get a book, let’s go. We’ve got stuff to do, places to be, people to watch.”

That peck inflamed her hunger like a decadent gourmet truffle in front of a starving woman. In her distracted haze, she obeyed. Though agonizing in its own way, this hunger was easier than the confusion.

The cashier rang up the bookmark David insisted on buying and made small talk with him, which elicited quicksilver smiles from David that made her stomach churn with longing.

It wouldn’t kill her to give in just a little, would it? Friends with benefits would satisfy her lust for him—and yes, make her feel alive—without any of the ugly long-term commitments that would distract from her career.

True, she wasn’t quite on her game, but it sounded like a rational solution to all of her problems. She just had to figure out how to best propose her plan.

Feeling more settled now that she had a designated course of action, she followed David out of the store. “Thank you for breakfast. And for introducing me to your favorite bookstore.”

He cocked his eyebrow. “You’re welcome.” He stared at her, letting the silence draw out as pedestrians wove around them on the sidewalk.

She slipped her hands into the back pockets of her jeans to keep them away from his hard chest. “You were right. I was all over the place today. And you’ve been very patient.”

He shifted his long, appealing body until he leaned against the wrought-iron fence of the café. “And what brought on this revelation?”

She couldn’t talk about this while he stared at her. She grabbed his hand and started walking to diffuse some of the tension of his steady gaze.

“I have very good reasons for being alone.” From the corner of her eye, she saw him nod. “But I’ve felt more alive today than I have in a long time. I just couldn’t reconcile the two.”

“But you have now?” They stopped at a crosswalk, and she counted down with the pedestrian signal, waiting for their turn to cross.

A nod was all she could manage in response, until she was walking again. All this interpersonal stuff wasn’t exactly her forte, and knowing it was David’s area of expertise only put her at more of a disadvantage. She itched to keep moving, if only for the distraction.

At last they were cleared to cross. She forged ahead into the intersection with David at her side. “I have a proposition. Something I think would satisfy both our needs while keeping reasonable barriers.”

Once they were back on the sidewalk, David tugged her down a side street where the sounds of traffic didn’t compete with their conversation. “Are we going to walk all of DC before you spill this plan?”

Taking a deep breath of the muggy summer air, she braced for his rejection and exhaled out her suggestion before she lost her nerve. “Friendswithbenefits.”

He stuttered to a stop, hand on her elbow. “Come again?”

“You heard me.” She dared a look at him. A lock of hair drooped across his forehead, and his brow was furrowed in thought. She wanted to kiss away the frown lines, but bit the inside of her cheek instead and waited for his reaction.

“Jesus, Care. Do you know what you’re proposing?” He shoved a hand through his sandy hair and his arm muscles shifted under his shirt.

Since she had given herself permission to take things to a physical level, she couldn’t stop admiring his body. He was so optimally put together she couldn’t help herself. “I’m perfectly aware of the social conventions surrounding the friends-with-benefits arrangement. It’s quite perfect for us.”

A growl curled from his lips. “Okay…say I bite. You really think this would help you?”

She nodded. “You were right when you said I was more alive spending time with you. I simply felt conflicted because your presence presented too large a potential disruption of my life. But if we keep our relationship strictly platonic, aside from sex, that’s no longer a risk.”

He invaded her space to wrap his arms around her waist and lock her against his hips. “Fine.” When he bit off the words, his lips brushed against her ear. Tingles sprouted from that point of contact. “I hope you’re prepared for what you’ve just unleashed. I’ve been playing nice, but now that I know your sweet body is fair game, the only thing I’ll be thinking about all day is getting inside you, making you scream my name over and over.”

Arousal melted her core. The vivid picture twisted her into eager knots. “So why don’t we go home now?”

His jaw bunched. “No. We’re going to spend a nice day downtown, and by the time we get back home you’re going to ache for me as much as I do for you.” He released her abruptly, and she reached out a hand to steady herself on a nearby tree.

“It’s settled then.”

So why didn’t her plan make her feel as triumphant now as it had twenty minutes ago?

Maybe it had to do with the calculating glint in David’s eyes and the set of his shoulders. When she wasn’t the target of his determination, she could find it attractive. Now, she just wondered what she’d gotten herself into.

Chapter Ten

David led her back to the Metro stop, where they rode emptier train cars over to the Smithsonian station, their stop for the National Mall. Even though some of her underground anxiety had subsided, she didn’t tell David. Her phobia was a convenient excuse for having his body pressed up against hers.

It wasn’t until they surfaced onto the National Mall that it dawned on her—with their current arrangement, nothing stopped her from acting on her baser instincts. As long as she toed the line between lust and love, she could take full advantage of his body when it suited her.

As their feet crunched in the pebbles of the mall’s walkways, she tugged at his hand until he paused and turned to face her.

“Yes?”

She threw her arms around his neck and kissed him like she’d ached to do since earlier in the morning. A trickle of subway passengers flowed past them, a minor blip on the edges of her awareness.

David groaned and let slip a curse before resting his forehead against hers. “What was that for?”

“Because I can.” And wasn’t that the truth.

Hand in hand they dove into the milling crowd. David led the way across the wide gravel paths of the National Mall. Halfway to the other side, she paused and looked right to take in the Capitol, then left to see the Washington Monument piercing the clear blue sky.

The vastness washed over her—the millions of people who’d taken in this view over the decades, the millions more represented by those structures.

She clung to David, needing a human connection under that weighty shared history. He scuffled behind her in the gravel until his body warmed her back and he rested his cheek on her head.

She could have stayed like that forever.

One of her more dangerous thoughts, for sure. Taking on mass murderers and violent criminals and perpetrators of war crimes was no problem. Getting comfortable with David Cameron brought a whole different set of twisted issues.

Before she could step away from him, he flagged down a passerby. “Take our picture?”

The woman stopped, and David tapped the screen of his phone before he handed it over.

“Say
cheese
!” And with the press of a touch screen, the moment was immortalized. David thanked the woman, and she waved before continuing on her way.

“What do you think?” He held up the screen for her to look at.

She scoured the photo and winced at her forced smile. She looked lost. Not a great picture by any means.

But David’s face made her pause. The way he looked at her, not the camera, with such open emotion. It was too much for her to process.
Compartmentalize and evaluate later.
She returned the phone and pasted on a smile. “What’s next?”

From David’s eye-roll, she didn’t fool him. He’d have to deal with it. “We’re going to the National Museum of Natural History.”

Would he ever be able to predict Carrie’s moods? He was going to get neck strain from following her emotional tennis match and, despite his best efforts to distance himself, the more her moods swung, the more entrenched he became.

She was like a snarled ball of string. He remembered playing with knotted skeins of yarn while his mother crocheted baby blankets for his soon-to-be brother. He’d pull at one loop, sure it would unravel the whole thing, only to have it tighten a knot elsewhere. His mother had tried to teach him how to unravel it slowly, but he’d been unable to help himself.

By the time he’d broken himself of the habit of pulling at tangled messes, he actually could have used that personality flaw. Maybe it could have saved his brother.

Maybe it would save Carrie.

Buoyed by hope, he guided her across the street and walked up the wide, shallow steps of the National Museum of Natural History. He was pretty sure Carrie, in all her genius, wouldn’t really learn anything new, but he had a hunch she would light up when she saw the exhibits highlighting science and discovery and the wonders of the natural world. And if she didn’t have a good time, he at least would. He loved to explore this museum, mostly to see the kids interact with each display.

From the security line, he could see the rotunda elephant looming over students on field trips, tourists and other museum visitors. They all stared up in awe at the giant specimen.

Once they passed through security, the din of schoolchildren echoed throughout the cavernous main room loud enough that Carrie had to cozy up to him to be heard.

“Okay, tour guide, what are we going to see first?”

He took advantage of the moment, putting an arm around her to cut them off from the roaming children and the frazzled field-trip monitors trying to corral them. “Definitely rocks first. That wing has meteorites, gemstones, minerals and even the Hope Diamond.”