A Lover's Secret (20 page)

Jess had a sensation of floating. Maybe he
was
coming
to her. “If they keep calling…” Jess tried to sound nonchalant. “Maybe I should
just talk to them.”

Monica rolled her eyes. “Here we go.” Her mother and father
just looked on, no change of expression, as though this was all they could
expect from Jess, from now on. Like nothing else she could do would surprise
them.

Once in the kitchen, near the phone and out of sight, she
leapt for the receiver with a desperation that took her by surprise. “Jake?”

Jess

“Don’t hang up!” It was Elizabeth’s voice. “For the love of
God. It’s a matter of life and death.”

“Elizabeth?”

“Oh, Jess. Thank goodness.”

“What’s going on?”

 “Has Jake made contact with you?”

“Many times.” Not that this contact had been returned, but
that was none of Elizabeth’s business.

“Oh.” She let out a huge breath. “Today?”

“No. Not today at all. Not for a while actually.”

“So you haven’t talked to him
today?”
Her voice
trembled.

“No,” Jess answered. “Why? Is he coming here?”

 “I don’t think so, Jess.” And then Elizabeth began to sob.

“Elizabeth?” Jess swallowed hard. “What’s going on?”

“Jess, I think I need you. Could you… could you get on a
plane? Please? Just come out here and help me. I don’t know what to do. But I
think you will.”

“Jake and I aren’t—”

“I know, but none of that matters now. We’re going to… we’re
going to lose him, Jess. We’re going to lose Jake, and I fear you’re the only
one who can help us.”

 “How could that be true?” Jess said, too loud. She clasped
her hand over her mouth, over the receiver. “Is Jake in some kind of danger?”

“Grave, grave danger, Jess. I’ll explain everything, as soon
as you tell me you are getting on a plane. Please, Jess. Help me.”

Jess teetered as though her legs might buckle.

“Get to the airport, and call me back on this number when
you’re in the car, on the way.”

Jess’s breath made puffing sounds. The room seemed to blare
in and out. “I don’t even have a car,” she whispered.

“Well, figure something out. If you don’t get out here right
now, we’ll lose him. He’s going to die, Jess. Jake is going to die.”

“What makes you think that?”

“I just, I just know. I’ve seen this before. I know his
type.”

“Jake is a type?”

“I’ll explain everything, just… If you love Jake like I do,
you’ll get in a car, anybody’s car, and you’ll get here. Hang up right now,
I’ll arrange your flight. Call me back in five minutes when you are on your
way.” And then there was a soft click on the other end of the line.

Jess hung up the phone, then, as silently as she could, and
she stood in the doorway. Her mother and father looked at her, blinking slowly.
Monica tapped her foot. Andrew and Kelly turned to one another, then back
toward her. Everyone was just blinking and time stood still.

“I’m going out for a walk,” Jess said, finally. “I need to
clear my head.”

Monica stood. “Then I’m coming with you.”

“No, Mon. I just really need to be by myself.”

“No way. I’m coming.”

Andrew grimaced. “What’s going on between you two?”

“I just don’t trust her,” Monica said. “She’s bound to do
something stupid. To leave us again.”

“She doesn’t need a babysitter, Monica,” Andrew said, “If
she says she needs to go out, she needs to go out. Jesus.”

Monica grabbed for her arm and Jess snapped out of her grip.

“Why are you taking your purse and your phone, Jess?” Monica
demanded. “You never take your phone. I’m telling you guys, Jess is up to
something.”

“Monica, really,” Kelly said, taking Monica by the hand and
leading her to the couch. “Sit down.”

“Are you losing your mind, Monica?” Andrew asked, “She wants
to go out for a damn walk.”

“You never know what she’s up to—“

That was the last Jess heard before the door slammed behind
her. Her gauzy black dress snapped in the wind, and she wished she had grabbed
a sweater. Once she got around the corner, out of sight from the windows of her
home, she called for a taxi to pick her up at the convenience store at the
corner. She had to squint to make out the address, and she walked forward, one
foot in front of the other. Even as she did, she wondered why. Why was she
getting involved? Was it because she couldn’t bear the thought of
two
people dying because of her? Was it because she was dying to know, once and for
all, what Jake had been hiding all this time? She wasn’t sure, but she called
Elizabeth just the same.

“You’re on the next flight,” Elizabeth said, “I’ll be there
when you get off. Truly, there’s not a moment to lose, so don’t miss that
flight.”

The cab hadn’t arrived yet, so she felt things were more or
less out of her hands. “Elizabeth, I’m not going anywhere until you tell me
what the hell is going on.”

“Okay, Jess. I’m going to start at the beginning. All of
these things Jake should have told you, but didn’t. Can you hear me okay? Is
our connection okay?”

“Yes. Just go. Tell me.” Her heart was racing, suddenly, as
if it might explode from her chest.

“Jess,” Elizabeth took a deep breath. “Jake has ALS, or
well, something like it. Do you know that that is?”

“ALS, as in Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis? As in Lou
Gehrig’s disease?

“Yes. How much do you know about it?”

“I know it’s…” She was about to say
always fatal,
but
decided against it. “I don’t know a lot.” She found she couldn’t access her
knowledge of anything. Of anything medical or technical, not when it came to
Jake. Not when it came to someone she loved. And she did love him. She knew it
with a certainty, suddenly and all at once, and it forced the air from her
lungs.

“Jess, did I lose you?”

“No, no, I’m here. I don’t know much about ALS. Not at all.
But I know it has something to do with the nerve cells in the brain and in the
spinal cord.”

“That’s right. Basically, these cells, which control motor
function, begin to die. At first, a patient with ALS may experience weakness,
maybe at first in either a leg or a hand or in the face, even the tongue. Over
time, the weakness spreads to cover both arms and both legs.”

Jess thought then of Jake’s arms, of the way he tried to
pull her from the river. The expression of sheer defeat and torment as he lay
on the banks. She winced.
Why hadn’t he just told her?

“Eventually,” Elizabeth continued, “the patient reaches a
point at which the nerves are no longer signaling the muscles to move. Not in
the arms or the legs or the trunk, and not the muscles that control swallowing
and breathing. That means that ALS is a fatal diagnosis, Jess. And… it’s not an
easy end.”

Jess squeezed her eyes shut. “How long has he had it? How
long has he known?”

“Well, that’s the interesting part. He’s known for close to
three years now. It was his diagnosis, in fact, that really prompted him to
write his book. He thought he would be dead so soon, and so he wanted to write
about the lifestyle that meant so much to him. But then he kept on living. It’s
interesting… a full half of the patients with this disease don’t live as long
as he has already, and his symptoms hadn’t been as pronounced as anyone
expected.”

Jess pressed the phone tight to her ear, as though hearing
Elizabeth’s words more clearly would help her to understand them, to understand
what she was supposed to do now.

 Elizabeth went on, “With the publication of Jake’s book
came, as you know, a rather freakish bit of success, and, along with it, a
freakish influx of cash, with which he determined he would do everything he
could to fight this disease. He is one of only three patients in the United
States who has been chosen for an experimental program to stop or stall the
progression of this disease.”

“I didn’t even know that was possible.”

“Well, we’re not entirely sure that it is. But, with Jake,
we aren’t exactly sure what we’re dealing with either. Even now. After
observing Jake, we think he might have some alternate form of ALS because it’s
just not progressing the way one would expect. It had been quite responsive to
our method of treatment, until…” Elizabeth cleared her throat, exhaled and
continued. “Let’s just say that, at one time, Jake’s condition showed great,
great promise. So much promise that it made us question whether we were dealing
with perhaps a new and different form of the disease. One that perhaps was
treatable. This isn’t the time to go into the details, but we do still have
hope. It’s only a glimmer, but it’s there.”

“So what is your role in all of this, Elizabeth?” Jess
blurted. “That’s what I’ve never understood.”

“I’m a neurologist, specializing in ALS. This has always
been my field of study, and I work with the leading researchers of the disease.
The form of therapy that Jake is getting is nothing short of groundbreaking, and
Jake is sort of our poster child. He has responded so well to treatment, and,
as such, he must be observed very closely, and so I have been living with Jake,
well, living in his guest home, where we have a private area for him to take
his treatment. We feel it’s best for me to see him, to witness and observe
him.”

“Isn’t that expensive?”

“Terribly. Much of it is paid for by a grant from the
leading ALS charities. Some of it is paid for by Jake himself.”

“So when you came out here… When you saw us in the hotel?”

“It was time for Jake’s dose. To stay on target for the
research, he needs an injection exactly every seventy-two hours. If he misses
one, it confounds everything, and we all have far too much riding on the
outcome of this research to allow that to happen. So, I’ve been following Jake
around like a damn puppy dog. Not my favorite part of the job description, as
you might imagine.” She sighed, paused, then continued, “Somewhere along the
way, I’m afraid to tell you, I fell victim to his charm. Not that he ever had
eyes for me. It’s always, always been you.” Her voice grew quiet. “Do you know
that he actually carries an old photo of you around in his pocket?”

“He does not.”

“He does. He has, ever since I’ve known him, though I didn’t
know it was you until I met you myself. When I asked him about the woman in the
photograph, he would simply reference his ‘Girl from the Hallway’ chapter and
he would lament how he could never bring you into his life, for he felt he had
reached the end of his own tragic story.”

“Wow.”

“Once I met you; once I witnessed the renewed energy you
gave to him, I pushed for you to know the truth. I told Jake that you could be
instrumental in his healing. But he absolutely refused. And, patient-doctor
confidentiality, I can’t breach that.”

“I understand.”

“Jake has always been willing to let us administer the
maximum dose of our experimental medication. He has always said that he wants
to beat this thing, or he wants to die. And he had been handling it really
quite well, as long as he follows the rules. At times, the injections we
administer can make him a little bit loopy. Certainly, they make him sleep a
lot.”

Jess smiled. That explained a lot. “That’s why you didn’t
want him to drink any alcohol. Not a drop.”

“Precisely.”

The cab pulled up now and Jess raised two fingers. “Airport
please,” she whispered to the driver, who gave a curt nod and sped off.

Elizabeth continued. “Now, Miranda and I knew the medication
could make him a little nuts. A little erratic. That, combined with sleep
deprivation and, of course, the mental state of a man who knows he is most
likely terminal, and all bets are off.

“Now, under the agreement he signed before treatment began,
he was to be directly under a doctor’s care at all times. Absolutely all times.
But, because he was feeling so well, Jake didn’t take well to the hospital bed,
even for just the hour or so it takes, every few days, to administer his
medication and to monitor his symptoms. And when he discovered he had the
opportunity to reunite with you, he pushed me away, quite literally, and he
made off like his life depended on it.” Elizabeth’s voice grew quiet. “Who
knows, maybe it did…”

Jess cleared her throat, and tried to line up all the
questions that were flooding her mind.

Elizabeth’s voice dropped low. “I should have told you
before, Jess, I know. I just…I thought it should come from Jake. Legally, it
needs to.”

“Of course.”

“And I know you wanted to know. I really…I tried to get him
to tell you. He knew you suspected he was hiding something from you and still,
he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t tell you.”

Jess replayed the conversations she’d had with Jake. So many
times he had evaded her. Why? When she could have helped him? When she wanted
nothing more than to help him?

“When I pressed him about it—about his big secret,” Jess
said, “he tried to tell me it was that his parents were on the run somewhere.”

“Well,” Elizabeth said. “That part of his life is certainly
tragic. It’s the reason he’s alone in the world. It’s the reason he has some
serious intimacy issues.” She laughed. “But it was never his secret, and when
he invited you to come and live with him, what he didn’t realize is that we
needed to make up for some lost time. We needed to have him stay on bed rest
until we could catch up with our data and make sure we weren’t over-or
under-medicating him.

“He was so angry with us at that point because he said it
meant he had to push you away. It meant you had become suspicious. I tried to
shake some sense into him. I told him, rightfully so, that he would die if he
didn’t stay there, in bed. If he didn’t start doing what he was told. If he
didn’t start taking his condition seriously. If he didn’t give our cure a way
to work.”

Jess bit at her lip. That’s why he hadn’t come with her,
when her grandmother died. Oh, Jake. The assumptions she had made…

 When Jess spoke next, her voice was barely above a whisper.
“Why didn’t he just tell me?”

“I don’t know, Jess. I know that he doesn’t want anyone to
think of him as sick. Especially you. I know that he wanted to be with you,
like a normal man, for as long as he could. Maybe he thought he could let you
go. Or maybe he always had it in his mind that he would—“