A Lover's Secret (18 page)

Jess nodded and stayed quiet.

Evan went on, “But even still, like I said, I fall in and
out of love with being a physician all the time. But I keep showing up and
doing my job anyway.” He laughed through his nose. “Some days are terrible.
Some days, I can hardly sleep at night, even though I’m beyond exhausted, and,
of course, there’s little time for love.”

Jess averted her eyes and found herself wondering what it
would be like to make love to him. This Evan Everhart, the meek, mild-mannered
doctor with the beard and the glasses. He would probably ask her for permission
before he kissed her. Before he touched her. Her mind lurched, then, to Jake.
The rough skin of his fingertips, skimming along her back. The wild, unbridled
way they’d made love on the banks of the river just after she had nearly died.
An image of Jake’s muscular thighs flashed through her mind; the solid wall of
his chest.

Her breath sucked in.

“Are you all right?” Evan asked.

“I’m just fine.” Jess smiled. “Go on. Please.” She waved her
hand at him, and she settled back in her chair.

***

Jake

Elizabeth’s hand encircled Jake’s wrist. Her touch was warm.
There was soft jazz music playing, and a taste of copper in his mouth. How long
had he been asleep?

His voice came out as a croak. “Where is… where is my
phone?” And then he closed his eyes again, and he found later that it was in
his hand. His head. Pounding. Heavy. What fresh hell had made its way into that
IV?

Elizabeth’s voice was lilting and warbly. “How are you
feeling?”

He grunted and the soft tone came again, as through waves.
“The more you can communicate with us, Jake, the better our results will be.
The better chance we’ll have of helping you.”

He nodded and swallowed and felt, suddenly as though there
would be no helping him. How he missed her. God he missed her. He felt it
everywhere. His stomach, his arms and legs, twitchy and restless. He looked at
the date on his phone. He was nearly finished with this treatment, and then,
maybe, he could see her.

Could he do this to her? Could he bind her to all of this?
No, she didn’t have to know about any of it. This would all be over by tomorrow
and they could carry on as before. At least for a little while.

He didn’t trust himself to speak to Jess just then, but he
could send her a text message, though it took some time for him to punch at the
letters.

“Miss you. Need you.”

No return text for a moment. For a long while. He may have
drifted off. Then,

 “Sorry Jake. Jess left her phone behind… again! It’s
Monica.”

He wasn’t sure what to say to that. He didn’t want to engage
with Jess’s sister. He let the phone lie still. He would text another time.

But the phone vibrated again.
“So what’s your big secret,
Jake? You should tell her.”

What was this?
“No secret.”
His fingers trembled to
punch the letters. He had to click the backspace again and again.

“She deserves to know.”

He swallowed hard.
“Where is Jess?”

“On a date.”

Another text buzzed through. It tingled his entire hand, and
one of the machines began to beep.

“On a date with a doctor.”

And then another:
“Tell her what you’re hiding from her
or she’ll never come back to you.”

And another:
“She’s very smart and very suspicious.”

Jake took a deep breath and retrieved the information Margot
had sent to his email. He knew he’d be drifting off again soon, and he had to
get the information sent.
“No secret. Tell Jess ticket is waiting for her
tomorrow. 10 am. Flight 1300. American Airlines.”
Then:
“Elizabeth will
meet her at baggage claim. Tell her to bring it ALL. She’ll be staying awhile.”

That’s when the vibrations ended.

***

Jess

Jess’s dinner with Evan improved enormously once a glass of
wine had loosened up the poor guy. Evan told Jess many things. It was as though
he hadn’t had the opportunity to talk to anyone for many, many weeks. His tone
was soft, like his hands, which were freckled. His skin looked well taken care
of and moisturized. Not grizzly like Jake’s. He probably smelled good, too,
like talcum powder. Not like pepper and sex.

And when it was over, Jess’s voice came out with such
boldness and confidence that it surprised her. “I really want to thank you for
dinner,” she said. “I have truly enjoyed myself, and I do appreciate the
opportunity to speak to a possible future colleague. I’d like to keep in touch
if you don’t mind.”

“I would like that very much, Jessica Madigan.”

“Why do you keep using my full name?” She laughed. “Most
people just call me Jess.”

“I don’t know Jessica Madigan. You’re just so much woman for
a little tiny name.”

At this, she laughed out loud. The glass or two of wine
might have loosened her up a bit, as well. “I’m 5-foot-two on a tall day, and
100 pounds soaking wet. Don’t tell me I’m too much woman for you.”

He shook his head. “You’re just…You’re just really
something. Such a lust for life. A confidence. It’s kind of irresistible.”

She gulped and imagined, once again, what it would be like
to make love to this man. She shook her head.

Evan kindly offered to drive her home, and when he pulled up
in front of her house, Jess was surprised to see that the windows were dark.
Had she really stayed so late? She bid Evan goodbye, then, and she tiptoed into
the house where Monica had left her cell phone resting on the front hall table.

No texts from Jake. No calls. No correspondence of any kind.

She added Evan Everhart’s number to her list of contacts, and
then she sighed and she kicked off her shoes, and she wriggled out of her tight
and tiny dress and she crawled under her covers, which scratched her skin while
she drifted, eventually, into a sad and dreamless sleep.

Jake

Where was Miranda? When were they going to take all this
shit off him? If she didn’t come in soon, he was going to rip it off himself.
Elizabeth would be arriving in the main house any moment with Jess, and Jess
would be expecting to find him there, and if he wasn’t, questions were going to
be asked.

Damn it. Where was Miranda?

Finally, the door crept open, but it was Elizabeth.

“What the hell?” Jake roared. “Tell me you didn’t bring Jess
in
here
?” The monitors chirped, then emitted a sustained buzz.

“Of course I didn’t bring her here, Jake.”

“Well, what the hell?”

“She wasn’t on the flight.”

He took a deep breath. “What do you mean she wasn’t on the
flight?”

“Seriously, Jake this isn’t what you pay me for. To run
around and fetch women and do your personal bidding. Wait for your girlfriend
on your own time. I’m so sick of standing at baggage claim for people who
aren’t there. It’s depressing.”

“Are you sure?”

“Very sure. I hate it.”

He gave his head a quick shake.”Are you sure that she wasn’t
on the flight?”

“Quite. I’m quite sure.” She tossed her hair to the side.
“Jake, maybe you should have sent her another message last night. Or called
her.”

“Oh sure, my big slurry self was going to call her. I
couldn’t even feel my tongue last night.”

“You’re sure you sent her the correct flight information?”

“Yes. The first time I think I was talking to her sister,
and who knows if that message got through, so I sent another one. A little
later. At least I think I did. And then you must have dosed me again. I don’t
know. I just woke up.”

Elizabeth shrugged.

“Why didn’t
you
call her for me, Elizabeth?”

“Well, Jake, because that’s not my job. I do a lot of things
for you, but straightening out your love life and setting up your booty calls
isn’t one of them.”

“You know she’s more than that.”

Elizabeth shook her head. Her hair was pulled into a high
ponytail and when it swung, so bouncy and pert, it was like a slap in the face.
She would go on living. She would sit at the bedsides of countless people just
like him, after he was done.  

He squeezed his eyes shut tight. “Alright. Do you know what?
I’m sick of all these wires. I’m sick of this medication that makes me feel
half dead.”

“Just settle down, Jake.”

His gaze was steely. The muscles in his neck grew tight.
“Elizabeth, I’m done. Really, I’m done.”

“You can’t be done, Jake.”

“Watch me.”

 “Jake, you are really going to need to calm down. Your
monitor—“

 “I don’t give a shit anymore. Just go. You’re done here.”

“Oh, I’m done? Is that right, Jake? Sorry to tell you but
I’m part of this project every bit as much as you are. You can’t say that I’m
done. You don’t have the authority.”

A machine in the corner had begun to squawk. Jake breathed
deeply, watching his chest rise and fall until the sound stopped.

“Elizabeth.” His voice was even now, but tight. “I need the
keys to my car.”

“You know you can’t drive, Jake.”

He sat up then. He tore the electrodes from his arms, from
his thighs.

“Jake! Stop it right now.”

He ripped the IV from his arm. A dark bead of blood pooled
on his skin. In seconds, he was at the closet. He yanked on a pullover; slid on
his jeans.

Elizabeth’s voice shook. “Miranda says if you leave again,
she’ll take you off the project. You can’t do this, Jake.”

“I can do whatever I want.”

“You’ll have no hope, Jake.” Elizabeth was yelling now.
Tears streamed down her face. “You’ll be dead in months. This thing
will
kill you.”

He fiddled with the snap on his jeans.

“Did you hear me, Jake? You’ll be dead in months.”

Her words sliced the air and hung there, steely and grave.
The monitors stood silent now, and Jake could hear Elizabeth’s breathing,
choking and raw.

He raked his hands through his hair, checked his reflection.
“I am going to find her.”

His hands trembled as he dialed her number. No answer, so he
sent a text.
“Where are you, Jess? Did you miss your flight?”

He waited and stared at the phone and listened to
Elizabeth’s breathing and to her sobs. No response.

***

Jess

Monica had been right. About everything.

Jake hadn’t called. He had never called.

Jess wondered when Monica would arrive this morning. To talk
about it. To rub her face in it.

She closed her eyes, not ready for the day, not ready to
wrap her mind around the simple facts: She and Jake weren’t meant to be. She
had been Jake’s plaything, and he wasn’t going to call.

An image flashed through her mind. Jake with Elizabeth.
Making love to her. His hands on her breasts. His hands buried in her hair,
pulling with those gentle tugs, just the way he’d done to her. Now she would
have to sit in this house and let Monica and her parents suck the very life out
of her; tell her where to go and what to do next.

Breath whooshed from her lungs and she laid there, a
profound heaviness pressing her against the sheets; against the old, sagging
mattress.

More than anything, she hated feeling like a victim. She
hated feeling as though her fate was in someone else’s hands. If nothing else,
this past weekend had taught her that she was capable of much more than she’d
ever imagined. She was intelligent and courageous, and he couldn’t do this to
her.

She wasn’t going to just sit there, huddled in her bed,
hiding from her parents and from their judgment of her life. She was going to
go to him. She was going to fly out there and surprise him and see what he
didn’t want her to see, and then she would know, and she could get on with her
life.

Adrenaline surged through her. Silently, she called the
automated teller at her bank and listened to the bank balance. No change.

It didn’t matter. She waited another moment, for her
parents’ footsteps to march out of the house once again. She waited for Grandma
to settle into whatever she was doing that morning: her puzzle, her crochet,
maybe her macramé. Then she tiptoed to her desk, and she slid open the top
drawer and she fished out her emergency credit card. Something that had never
been used before. In a whispery, breathless voice, she booked her flight and
she paid the nine hundred sixty six dollars, because, at this point, what the
hell was the difference? And then she called a taxi, and she put on a sexy
button-down and a short skirt and a pair of high heels, because they made her
feel tall and strong, and she packed a small bag and then she tiptoed up the
stairs and out of the house, before it choked her entirely to death.

***

Jake

And still no return text from Jess. “Elizabeth, just give me
my keys.” His face was inches from hers.

“No. You can’t drive. Absolutely not.”

Then Jake did something he knew he would regret. He pushed
her backward, and he shouted right into her face even as she winced. “Give them
to me. They’re mine.”

“No, Jake. You can’t drive.”

But he rammed his hand into her pocket and enfolded them
tightly in his fist.

Her steel blue eyes stared.

Once the keys were in his hand, his voice softened. “I’m
sorry Elizabeth. I’m just… I have to go and I have to find her.”

“She wasn’t on the plane, Jake. How exactly are you going to
find her?”

“I don’t know, Damn it. But I’m going to find her.”

“You’re just going to drive around L.A., just looking for
her? You can’t drive, Jake. You cannot drive.”

He breathed hot in her face. “I am going to drive. And I am
going to find her.”

***

Jess

Why did she keep looking at her phone? She was forty thousand
feet above the earth, and she’d flipped it off at departure. She no longer
wanted to sit there staring at the screen. Soon enough, she would be in his
city. Then she would call him. She would tell him she was there, and she would
demand some answers.

She tried to imagine what Jake was doing right that moment.
He sure slept a lot, so perhaps he and Elizabeth were just waking. Or, by now,
they were pouring one another freshly squeezed orange juice from a hand-blown
glass pitcher, their satin robes flapping in the ocean breeze as they enjoyed
the view.

But then, there was his book, the hunk of obsidian in her
pocket. There was the way he looked at her.

The Pacific Ocean came into view then, and her breath
caught. Boats bobbed along on its surface, trailing white lines in water so
brilliantly blue, reflecting the sky. Somewhere below, however miniscule, in a
place she couldn’t see, would be the reflection of her plane. And somewhere, just
below, in this vast city, was Jake Lassiter. Somewhere, just below, were all
the answers to her questions, to Jake’s mysterious ways, to his secrets. She
wouldn’t leave before she had them, and then things would be different. She
would be different. By then, she would know what to do.

The water beneath her was so vast. A deep unfathomable
blueness. The beach, a strand of taupe, like a narrow ribbon. She imagined the
scent of sunscreen. The hope of summer. Salt in the air. Jake’s world, so
different from her own. A world of water. A place defined by immersion. And she
was back in the water now, the icy water in New Mexico. He had tried to save
her, and when she had risen from the depths of that water, she was suffused
with a power she had never before known, as though the sheer primal rage of the
river, in its swollen banks, with its pulsing life force, had been channeled
through her, all at once, and they had made love there by the water, atop the
red, red earth.

The corners of her mouth drifted upward and hope pounded in
her chest. What would become of her when she landed in this place?

***

Jake

Jake’s tires squealed as he took a corner too fast, and he
bumped along the curb. A mother and her child stopping, watching, their mouths
open.
Easy, Jake
. The steering wheel gave a quick quake in his hands as
he straightened it out on the asphalt once again.

How he’d missed this car. The feel of the leather against
his back, the buttery way it met his skin. Its scent. The vibration as he
turned the corner, the throatiness of the engine. He swallowed. The sun beat
through the windshield. Where was he even going? The airport? Where could she
be? Why wasn’t she answering his calls?

At certain times, he could actually forget what was about to
happen to him: When he was with Jess and when he was behind the wheel of this
car. Once again, he was living fast and vibrant and free, the way he was meant
to live. But it meant nothing without her. He would sooner die. He would sooner
drive his car straight into the ocean than to live in that room, with Elizabeth
and Miranda breathing on him, with their soft hands and their tender voices and
their pity and their grief and their injections of things meant to help him.

This was all he could recall of getting to the airport. In
his memory, later, it was a blinding flash, screeching tires, the vibration of
the engine, permeating him, infusing him with power. With drive and
youthfulness and ability. The same way she made him feel. Jess.

Damn it. Where was she? How would he get to her, without
leaving town? Without flying to Denver and sacrificing his treatment, his final
hope?

He was in the airport garage now, and the lights were dim.
He squinted to see and pulled in sideways across two parking spaces. He called
her again.

Then her voice.

“Jake?” She was breathless, and he felt suddenly light. “I
just landed,” she said.

“You’re here?”

“Yes, in L.A.”

“Oh, thank God,” he said, and he laughed, and then she was
laughing, too.

“Well, you never called, Jake, so, you know, I came to find
you.”

“I texted you flight information last night. Twice.”

She was quiet for a moment.
“Oh.” And then, “I didn’t
get it…”

“Well.” His chest heaved. “You’re here now, and, as luck
would have it, I’m at the airport.”

“You are? Why?” Her laugh was musical. It sounded like
water, falling.

“I guess I was hoping Elizabeth made a mistake when she came
to get you this morning. When you weren’t there.”

“Oh, well I’m here now.” She laughed again.

“Jess?”

“Yes?”

“I can’t wait to see you.”

“And I can’t wait to see you. Just… stay put,” she said, “Or
we’ll never find one another. I’ll come to you.”

“I’m in the east garage. You can’t miss me. I’ll be the guy
bewildered and breathless with desire for you.”

***

Jess

 “Just keep talking to me,” Jess said. “Guide me toward you.
This airport is huge.”

“Jess, I’ve missed you so much. I’ve been through a lot
since we last saw each other, and all I could think of was you. All I could
think of was how I couldn’t wait to sit next to you again. To breathe your
scent. To touch you and to hold you. I want to make love to you. Right here.
Come and find me.”

She felt breathless and her face flushed as she threaded her
way through the crowds. He still had this secret. But right at this moment, she
didn’t much care what it was. She had to have him, and to know that he desired
her; that he had missed her... She ached with yearning. Her heels clicked
faster.

And then there it was. His car. The smooth lines, the
reflective cherry red. She left her suitcase on the ground, pulled open the
door and slid inside. The car was angled deep, like a nest. She rolled over the
console and sat astride him. She pushed her breasts against his chest, and he
held her face in his hands. “Oh Jess. I love you so much,” he said. “I can’t
live another moment without you. I love you so much.” He kept repeating the
words and tears rolled down his cheeks and everything shifted and tilted.
Colors took on a new richness, a sheen, a tight edge, and she took control of
him. She tore open her blouse and unfastened her bra and her breasts spilled
against his chest. She pushed his mouth to her warm tingling flesh, feeling his
hardness growing against her, and the windows steamed and her neck and her face
became wet with sweat and with his tears.