A Magnetic Couple Dilemma (Unfinished Liaisons Series) (8 page)

After he stopped, there was a deep silence in the room. He
opened his eyes and found Esteban staring at him in awe, as the rest of the
members of the family, including Doña Elvira broke the silence applauding.

Javier briefly bowed from his seat, and after the room
became silent again, Doña Elvira told Javier, "You're a virtuoso, Javier
Lozano."

She extended her hand and Javier wasn't sure if he should
kiss it or shake it, so he simply grasped it and briefly shook it. She smiled
for the first time and said, "Welcome to our family."

After that, all the other women were all over her, and Diego
pulled Javier to the side.

"You did it! That was amazing. You're in."

"What?"

"You're part of the family. Ask for anything, and they
will help you get it."

Well, the only thing he really wanted from the Hidalgos
probably wasn't for the taking, and it had a name, Esteban Hidalgo, who
remained away from him to Javier's dismay. The game of hiding wasn't for him,
he understood that if these people knew what he felt for Esteban or what
Esteban could feel for him, they would despise him, but hiding his feelings was
something he didn't like doing.

The next afternoon Esteban sent Javier a text message,
asking him to meet him at his place after work. When Javier came back from the
foundation, he kept going upstairs.

"I'm so glad to see you alone again."

Javier couldn't hide his excitement while Esteban's
expression was stern and controlled as usual. Javier didn't care, he placed
both hands around Esteban's neck while his warm lips were feathering kisses
over his mouth. Unexpectedly Esteban pulled him against his body, and started
meeting him kiss for kiss, until Javier decided that it was time to deepen the
caress.

The tip of his tongue taunted the seam of Esteban's lips,
until he parted them, letting him explore his mouth. It took only a brief
stroking to get Esteban's tongue engaged with his. Well, Esteban knew how to
kiss, what else could he possibly know; Javier couldn't wait to find out.

His hand and hips were joining the passionate encounter as
he pulled the front of Esteban's shirt out of his pants, putting his hand under
it and feeling the firm abdominal muscles. Great. He had nice abs, firm without
the bulking of a workout maniac. Javier slipped his hand beyond Esteban's bellybutton
encountering a dusting of hair under his fingers, and held his breath
anticipating what he was about to touch, but the only thing he felt, was
Esteban's hand firmly stopping him.

Javier broke the kiss to look Esteban straight in the eyes.

"Why? Is because of the HIV?"

"No. It's better if we stop this here and now. No more
sexual references Javier, and no more kisses."

"Why do you want to stop now? Are you trying to play
hard to get?"

"Of course not! Forget the attraction between us. It
only exists in your mind."

"And this is my imagination too?"

Javier pointed his index to Esteban's obvious hard bulge
between his legs. Esteban shifted the weight between his feet, as if with it he
could get the hard-on to go away.

"Javier, there is no point denying it, because you
already guessed it."

"Your lack of experience? There is always a first time
for everyone!"

Esteban held Javier's gaze when he said. "That's the
problem. I've been thinking as I told you, what to do about us.
 
I want that experience to be unique, with
someone special, someone I really love. Not some casual liaison."

Javier blurted with the frustration he felt, "I don't
intend some casual liaison. If you make love with me, I promise I'll do my best
to make it special."

Again with a stern voice, Esteban told him, "I don't
want to get involved with someone as young as you. I think you should find love
with someone closer to your age. That's what I wanted to tell you, Javier.
Don't wait for me in case you've been doing that."

Javier was able to hold his gaze afterward for only a few
seconds. This could not be happening to him. He'd never felt this way. Never. A
simple touch could send him to heaven, and when it was gone, he plummetted to
hell.

****

Esteban witnessed how Javier's eyes were bright, as if
Javier were teary eyed, but he couldn't confirm it, because Javier turned
around.

Too late, Esteban realized how hard those words had been on
Javier. Even to him they had been hard to say. He got close to him and tried to
put a hand on his shoulder, Javier shook it off almost violently. Still without
looking back, he said with a broken voice.

"No! I've had enough of your merciful touches. I guess
it should have been hard for you to kiss a HIV positive person. Stupid
me!"

Esteban didn't expect Javier's pain would hurt him too, but
it did.

"Javier, this has nothing to do with you being HIV
positive, it's because of the differences between us. You're a talented
musician that one day will be traveling the world with your music. You're too
young to be involved in a relationship with someone like me, someone who right
now can't offer you anything."

"How could I ever think you would feel the same for me?
Diego is so right. I guess he knows you really well!"

"Did you talk with Diego about us?"

"There is not an 'us'. This is a misunderstanding which
only exists in my mind, correct?"

"Javier, are you crying?"

"Of course not, I don't cry, and I'm not going to begin
now."

"What did Diego say to you?"

"Diego said that you would never accept a relationship
with me, and that you would hide me more than Mauricio did. He also thinks that
the age difference is important, and that you wouldn't take me seriously."

Esteban shook his head, and regardless of Javier's
struggles, put his hands on his shoulders. Javier stopped
 
struggling, and allowed Esteban hands on
him, while staring at the skies in the window in front of them, without seeing
anything.

"Javier, I didn't explain myself properly. The reason I
wanted to talk with you today, is because I've been thinking about our
situation carefully, and deciding what to tell you has not been easy."

He paused, and Javier didn't move, so Esteban continued.
"I can't be the lover you want, but we could be friends."

Javier chuckled. "Friends? I have too many already.
Besides, I can't be your friend. Why is it so hard to understand what I want
from you?"

"Javier, I do enjoy talking with you. And since we must
continue seeing each other because of the foundation, it's better if we are
friends."

Javier stiffened. "That wouldn't be necessary, I've
been offered a position with the Philadelphia's Center City Orchestra, and I'm
taking it."

Suddenly, Esteban knew he didn't want to really let him go.

"Please don't go unless you really want it. Your
presence it not a problem for me, like I said, I want your friendship."

This time Javier turned around and shouted, "And I want
your love!"

He had been crying. Esteban was surprised to confirm the
tears still rolling down Javier's sad face. He looked so vulnerable, and
precious, that without thinking Esteban raised a hand to wipe away some tears.
When Javier felt the contact, he withdrew like it burned.

"You know what, Esteban. Even if you don't love me, I
want you to fuck me, yes, that's what I want the most from you."

After a few seconds of staring at Javier's heaving figure,
Esteban remarked. "I'm sorry, Javier, but friendship is all you can have
from me."

Javier went to full sarcastic mode. "Would you like us
to exchange little romantic letters too? Another twenty years of those?"

Esteban couldn't believe he was going there, so he simply
answered, "No, times have changed."

"Great. Maybe we can e-mail one another, or even
better, we can send texts to each other. Safe enough, Esteban?"

When Esteban's mouth became a thin line and he didn't say
anything. Javier kept going.

"Before you told me, 'I'm not Mauricio'. Guess what?
I'm not Mauricio either!"

Esteban felt the rage slowly replacing the passion that had
overwhelmed him before.

"I would appreciate if you never mock the
correspondence I exchanged with Mauricio. Because you have no idea of how
important those letters were for me."

"I guess the illusion of having an affair with Mauricio
helped you to stay celibate, right."

"That's none of your business." Esteban nearly growled
and Javier looked at him provocatively.

"I'm tired of being your favorite charity. I'm leaving
now, and if you ever call me back, you know what I want."

Esteban muttered. "I'm sorry Javier. This was doomed
from the beginning."

Esteban watched him as he left, hating himself for not
accepting Javier's love, when for the first time, he had found someone he
really was intrigued with. Someone he would do anything to discover, and
explore in a very intimate way. Will he lose him to a younger love like he lost
Mauricio to Javier? Irony of ironies, he was walking the same path once again,
but for some reason, this time it hurt more, and the attraction was
irresistible.

He truly had thought about a possible future with Javier,
but due to their current situation it was cruel to tie the young man to him.
Especially after witnessing how talented Javier was, even if it caused him
pain, he had to set him free.

The sensation of Javier's lips on his lasted days, and
Esteban couldn't stop thinking about Javier. Especially during the nights, he'd
felt his presence. He quivered all over, and he opened his eyes. This had never
happened to him before. What was this strange feeling that moved every inch of
him until settling on his groin? He was hard, and he hated to be aroused. For
years he'd accepted the church's idea of self-pleasuring as being a form of
self-abuse. If one did it willingly, it was considered a mortal sin. In the
past, he resisted doing anything about it unless he could not control it
anymore. Tonight, he didn't have a choice, unless he wanted to call Javier
back. No, that was not an option either.

He lifted his hips from the bed and pulled down his pajama
pants until his cock throbbed and bobbed free. He gasped, spreading the warm
wetness of pre-come leaking from the slit and stroked the length of it
frantically until he settled for a quick rhythm, as his palm rubbed up and down
the smoothness of his shaft.

"Javier, what have you done to me?" He yelled into
the empty room and nearly convulsed while coming.

One night a few weeks later, Javier knocked on Esteban's
door and walked in barefoot. Esteban frowned, looking at his feet. "Where
are your shoes?"

"I didn't get them because I jumped out of bed in a
hurry."

"It's still cold to go around like that, here, you can
have my slippers, I'll put some shoes on."

Javier followed him to the bedroom, and watched him changing
his shoes after handing Javier a pair of socks from a drawer.

"Why did you leave in a rush? A nightmare?"

"Nearly. Raul is downstairs."

"What?"

Esteban was heading for the door, but Javier put his palm
over his chest stopping him.

"Wait! I reacted the same way, and went to see what was
going on when I heard their voices."

"Where is Carly?"

"She's with her mom tonight."

"Okay, but Raul and Diego can hurt each other."

Javier hesitated, but finally said, "I've never heard
of anybody hurting another while kissing."

Esteban froze in awe. "You're kidding me?"

"No. Why do you think I'm here? I would have never left
Diego alone if they were truly fighting, but they are not."

Esteban sat on the bed. "Kissing?"

"Yes, old fashioned French kissing. When I heard a
silence I went to see if they had knocked each other out, but no, Raul got
Diego against the wall, in a very erotic pose."

"How is that possible, I mean, those two hate one
another."

"How? I have a very good idea, allow me to
demonstrate."

Javier pulled him until Esteban stood, pushed him against
the nearest wall, and catching him off guard covered Esteban's mouth with his
own. Unlike the last time they kissed, Esteban took the lead and searched for
Javier's tongue.

Esteban ended the kiss and said,
"We're
not supposed to do this, remember?"

"If those two are making out downstairs, why couldn't
we?"

"They are about the same age."

"Esteban stop using that stupid excuse to avoid me.
Tell me the truth, it's the least you owe me."

He circled Javier and stood in front of the dresser, where
he smacked both fists on and leant forward, burying his head into his hands.
Javier stood next to him.

"What is wrong with you?" Javier asked with
concern.

"Everything. I tried to tell my father that I want to
be out. He knows I'm gay, but he also knows I control my impulses. I went to
see him and I talked, and talked, and at the end, I didn't say anything. Damn
it! I'm a coward. If I can't tell him, there is no way I'll ever tell anybody
else that I want to share my life with another man. I simply cannot do
it."

Javier stood behind him and embraced him, leaning his head
on his back.

"Is it because of that you've been rejecting me? It's
okay, Esteban. I understand."

Slowly Esteban faced him while shaking his head.

"It's not fair. If you are with me, we will never be
able to be out. We'll be living in a closet, and this isn't fair for you."
Esteban stared at Javier's eyes, before finishing, "I can't ask you to
continue hiding for anybody's benefit. I know what Mauricio did to you."

Javier felt touched by Esteban's consideration, but if that
was the only thing standing between them, it didn't really matter.

"Esteban, I know life isn't fair, that was the first
lesson I learned." Javier leaned forward and pressed his face to Esteban's
shoulder, feeling the embrace he craved for weeks.

"I know it is impossible for you to be out. After
spending time with your family, I understand your concern."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. If I have to choose between having you in secret,
and not having you at all, the choice is clear."

Right then they heard steps going down, the front door
closing and a car starting. They peeked out the windows; it was Raul's car.

Javier said, "I'll be right back, I'm going to check to
see if Diego is okay."

He went downstairs and found Diego sitting on a sofa wrapped
in a blanket nursing a cup of tea. The black eyes avoided Javier when he said,
"I thought you were sleeping."

"I was, but I heard your voices. I'm sorry for
intruding, I simply want to know if you're okay."

Diego took a sip of tea before answering. "I am just a
little embarrassed because I have no idea what you witnessed."

"Not much, I went upstairs when you guys started
kissing against the kitchen wall."

Javier noticed how Diego's hand quivered as he sipped his
tea.

"Diego, is he forcing you, I mean, he is obviously
using you, right?"

Diego shook his head. "No. We use each other in a way
only we know. Don't worry, Javier. When Raul was born, I already knew how to
ride a bike."

"And what does that has to do with anything?"

"As the Spanish saying goes, the devil knows more
because he's older than from being the devil."

Javier narrowed his eyes, and shook his head. He didn't get
the saying, but Diego got him.

"I left the box of condoms on the kitchen counter, help
yourself, I'm going to bed to dream with my own devil."

Javier opened his mouth to deny his intentions, but Esteban
walked right in. Diego looked from one to another and said, "I'm okay. You
know better than anyone that Raul doesn't defeat me in a fight."

Esteban nodded, but asked. "Do you know how serious is
this game you're playing, Diego? He would never—"

Diego raised a hand in a gesture that spoke by itself,
"I know. Unlike us, you two have a chance. You need to talk, and it's
better if you do it in neutral territory. Good night."

They both watched Diego going to his room.